Keeping promises I made to myself by posting here
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Join Date: May 2021
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Keeping promises I made to myself by posting here
Hello all - Tomorrow I'll celebrate 30 days of sobriety yet again. Over the past 10+ years I've lost count of how many times I've celebrated that important milestone. "They" say it takes 21 days to form a new habit.... AA celebrates your first milestone with a 30 day chip. I've tried them both, made it farther many times (100+) days but something happens, I get complacent, depressed, anxiety rears it's ugly head or I decide for whatever reason, happy or sad that I can handle it. Well this time I stopped 100% of everything (no drinking, marijuana, legal here, I've never had the desire to try anything else) and starting talking out loud. I promised myself that I would start journaling, set a goal of at least 3-4 times a week and decided on a public, but anonymous forum, to be truthful and to dive into all these thoughts and feelings that I tried to drink away. Feelings of helplessness, failure, betrayal, loss, hopelessness. To face myself and my behaviors - the lies, anger, rage, hurt. To once again get back to the smart, funny, talented ever achieving person I was before I decided that a glass or two of wine would make things better.....and then it spiraled. Looking back at over ten+ years of struggle, failure to control myself and hurting others. It's not who I am and not the life I want to live, hence the moniker "livingintegrity". I once lived a life of extreme integrity, achieved great things, enjoyed the fruits of my effort and had great success. I haven't lost the ability, I lost my drive, I lost myself so I'm hoping that by this process I'll find it again. I'm not on here for "likes" or for people to respond, in fact I'm sure many of you will disagree with some of my comments and posts, that will come over the next weeks, months and years. I'm only looking to heal myself, if anyone else gets something from a moderately successful women who completely lost herself and is hopefully on her way back 100%, that will be a big bonus. I want to tackle things like lies (the numerous ones I've told to cover my drinking), anger and rage, love and loss. Behaviors that I exhibited but still don't understand as well as behaviors that I want to exhibit. Topics like why do 30 days of drinking fly by, but 30 days of sobriety seem like a year? Efforts that I've made and philosophies I don't agree with, powerlessness being one of them. Well enough for today, here's to keeping my promises to myself and many great days ahead.
Last edited by livingintegrity; 05-24-2021 at 01:21 PM. Reason: spelling correction
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livingintegrity, congrats on those 30 days! I know many of us can relate to so much of what you shared. I come here often when temptation strikes. And, don't get me started on boozing and lying - alcohol can certainly make liars of us (not a very good one in my case). I am glad to have left all of that behind. Keep it up!
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by livingintegrity;[url=tel:7640426
7640426[/url]]Hello all - Tomorrow I'll celebrate 30 days of sobriety yet again. Over the past 10+ years I've lost count of how many times I've celebrated that important milestone. "They" say it takes 21 days to form a new habit.... AA celebrates your first milestone with a 30 day chip. I've tried them both, made it farther many times (100+) days but something happens, I get complacent, depressed, anxiety rears it's ugly head or I decide for whatever reason, happy or sad that I can handle it. Well this time I stopped 100% of everything (no drinking, marijuana, legal here, I've never had the desire to try anything else) and starting talking out loud. I promised myself that I would start journaling, set a goal of at least 3-4 times a week and decided on a public, but anonymous forum, to be truthful and to dive into all these thoughts and feelings that I tried to drink away. Feelings of helplessness, failure, betrayal, loss, hopelessness. To face myself and my behaviors - the lies, anger, rage, hurt. To once again get back to the smart, funny, talented ever achieving person I was before I decided that a glass or two of wine would make things better.....and then it spiraled. Looking back at over ten+ years of struggle, failure to control myself and hurting others. It's not who I am and not the life I want to live, hence the moniker "livingintegrity". I once lived a life of extreme integrity, achieved great things, enjoyed the fruits of my effort and had great success. I haven't lost the ability, I lost my drive, I lost myself so I'm hoping that by this process I'll find it again. I'm not on here for "likes" or for people to respond, in fact I'm sure many of you will disagree with some of my comments and posts, that will come over the next weeks, months and years. I'm only looking to heal myself, if anyone else gets something from a moderately successful women who completely lost herself and is hopefully on her way back 100%, that will be a big bonus. I want to tackle things like lies (the numerous ones I've told to cover my drinking), anger and rage, love and loss. Behaviors that I exhibited but still don't understand as well as behaviors that I want to exhibit. Topics like why do 30 days of drinking fly by, but 30 days of sobriety seem like a year? Efforts that I've made and philosophies I don't agree with, powerlessness being one of them. Well enough for today, here's to keeping my promises to myself and many great days ahead.
What a great post, and very timely for me. Thank you for speaking so candidly about the rage, I’ve been here racked by guilt thinking about how badly I’ve behaved in the past when drinking. I’m sure there are many in the world who can’t stand me due to my own behaviours, but hopefully moving forward I can make amends by doing good things in the world and helping others. Great work on 30 days. I know you’ve been here before, but you’re back, trying. I hope we can all just keep going in the same direction, never going back.
This was great to read, and thank you for posting!
I know all too well how difficult it is to keep starting over and repeating milestones 🙁 Don’t give up 🙏🏾
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Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: London
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I thought it was 28 days to break a habit but who cares, it's 20 something
Ok, that was my life too, with all the feelings you describe. My mistake for a couple of decades, even going to therapy, AA, rehab etc was thinking that the drinking made me feel that way, so when i stopped drinking i felt how you describe. I learned the hard way that this is absolute bollocks. The reason i drank was because i felt as you describe, not the other way round! As soon as i got my head around that i could make the changes i didn't particularly want to make to my life in order so i didn't feel so crap most of the time. That's the important thing to act on, not counting days or getting medals.
Ok, that was my life too, with all the feelings you describe. My mistake for a couple of decades, even going to therapy, AA, rehab etc was thinking that the drinking made me feel that way, so when i stopped drinking i felt how you describe. I learned the hard way that this is absolute bollocks. The reason i drank was because i felt as you describe, not the other way round! As soon as i got my head around that i could make the changes i didn't particularly want to make to my life in order so i didn't feel so crap most of the time. That's the important thing to act on, not counting days or getting medals.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 116
Livingintegretity, you sound like you have a clear vision of what your triggers are and what you need to do to stay clean...good job 👏 you've got this.
I almost relapsed at 6 months sober because I got complacent...it's amazing how well our brain blocks out painful memories from the past. I had to remind myself constantly of what I would lose if I went back to my old ways. I shudder to think of how things would have turned out if I did
I almost relapsed at 6 months sober because I got complacent...it's amazing how well our brain blocks out painful memories from the past. I had to remind myself constantly of what I would lose if I went back to my old ways. I shudder to think of how things would have turned out if I did
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Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 177
Congratulations! I am 7 days behind you and am waiting until then to post some of my own insights on my first month. I am very fortunate that I was a "happy drunk" and rarely caused harm to others through my words or actions (though there were certainly some of those incidents). My biggest regret is the harm I did to myself psychologically and physically. At the top of my list of regrets is the 36 wasted years, since that first sip when I was 15. Running and hiding from pain that could have been addressed some other way. I'm facing it now though and better late than never. I look forward to your posts.
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Join Date: May 2021
Location: Upper Chichester, Pennsylvania
Posts: 121
Wonderful and informative post. I enjoyed it very much.
For a couple years now I have been having to face my rage, anger and irritability as well as impatience and intolerance after acting out in these areas got me more and more belligerant until I was becoming a crazy person in the process.
Still working on these things. I’m an alcoholic and bipolar and now that my craving for alcohol fueled Friday nights is a thing of the past I have the time to deal with the emotional mess I’ve become.
I am a total coward at facing loss. The pain of it is just too much for me when it’s the loss of a loved one.
For a couple years now I have been having to face my rage, anger and irritability as well as impatience and intolerance after acting out in these areas got me more and more belligerant until I was becoming a crazy person in the process.
Still working on these things. I’m an alcoholic and bipolar and now that my craving for alcohol fueled Friday nights is a thing of the past I have the time to deal with the emotional mess I’ve become.
I am a total coward at facing loss. The pain of it is just too much for me when it’s the loss of a loved one.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,537
Originally Posted by livingintegrity 
Topics like why do 30 days of drinking fly by, but 30 days of sobriety seem like a year?
Congrats for 30 days!
I had to laugh at the above quote. It definitely seems like that to me. I am 7 days sober and I feel like 'what's the big deal!?', if I can stay sober for THIS LONG it can't be that much of a problem. Apparently I like lying to myself.
I think sober time goes by much slower for me because I have so many thoughts running through my brain day and night with no Off Switch. Luckily it seems like nobody else has noticed how crazy I am yet.
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