GerandTwine

Congratulations! I feel good for you, too.

Aellyce

I definitely felt like a battle inside during in the first month or so. And I said it before on the forum, I believe the memory of the intensity of this early period fades quite a bit over time and people who are far past that phase no longer feel the same way, it's easier to see the perspective then. I looked at it differently even just about 2-3 months sober and thought it was actually easier than expected, but during those first few weeks it was much more challenging and unpleasant due to the cravings I had. I think the emotions of the addiction Beast are really twisted and unrealistic when it comes to the habit it wants to hold onto, that's what we feel intensely at the beginning, why the experience is intense conflict. It's still there in its prime, fighting for its life, and even if the better self takes over and keeps it at bay, it won't give up trying easily.

Something else I like to emphasize, because I learned it in the hard way and you don't have to. It was easier for me the first time I took quitting seriously. I already knew a lot about addiction and recovery, just had to finally apply all that to myself, so I jumped into it and tried many things. SR, various recovery programs and meetings, big changes in my life. All of that helped, and the novelty aspect was sort of exhilarating for a couple months - I think that gave me that sense of control, confidence and success. The stupid and, sadly, common mistake I made was giving in to a not even strong urge and drank again. Then a couple more times. Got back on track afterward, but that relapse set the cravings and inner battle back to ground zero, or worse I would say. The first month after the relapse was harder than the initial first month, but I also learned that I was paying way too much attention to what was going on inside my mind and that exacerbated it. Sometimes even discussing it made it worse, which many people would disagree with I guess, but probably part of the reason for RR not to have support groups and meetings is to prevent that preoccupation and facilitate moving on. You don't have to do that if you find the support and information helpful, but too much dwelling on whether we have the right mindset already, what it's supposed to be like etc etc I found very counterproductive, especially if someone is already prone to "paralysis by analysis" as I am.

I think the real good focus is on what we do (and not do) - make sure you don't drink, no matter what goes on inside or anywhere else, or what anyone says. It takes time for the brain to get back into a more normal balance after quitting - that's why it throws the battle on us. A lot of it is about patience. For me, a big part of why it helps to think long-term is because then I easily have a reference point to focus on, I'm doing it because I want to have a good life and have many worthwhile goals, not merely surviving or even enjoying today. Of course surviving today intact is necessary but, at least for me, it's not a decent enough perspective. But that's all the AV can deal with, and deal very badly, as we know. I think ignoring it is much more effective than trying to understand it, especially early on when the desire to drink still distorts a lot of good thinking. My AV even prompted me to engage in things I knew were counterproductive and had no perspective, just for the instant gratification that day, then the next day and so on. It can turn everywhere else to get snippets of that pleasure when we starve it from the main one (alcohol), and these other desires and choices are also important to recognize IMO, because you can maintain abstinence from alcohol but make yourself still conflicted and dissatisfied when choosing the wrong occupations, even if they seem innocuous. I think even choosing the wrong recovery program, which is not a good fit for someone, can be counterproductive in that way and make things more difficult rather than easier. I personally like to listen to my own instinct in that area, so if you feel that RR/AVRT is a good fit, fantastic!

In any case, I mostly wanted to say that you are on a very good track and I would put all my focus and energy on making sure it sticks from now on, because even a single lapse after what seems like strong determination and a good streak can make things more painful. Just don't ever go there from where you are now, there may still be struggles, but the one pertaining to drinking will only get better with time - focus on the larger perspective and not always how you feel and what a single day was like.

DriGuy

Nine days does not break an addiction. Some binge drinkers go months between binges, but they are still alcoholics. Common wisdom tells us that addiction is for life. There is no length of sobriety time that breaks an addiction. After 25 years, I no longer feel addicted, but to say I am not addicted anymore is not entirely accurate. I have broken the cycle of addiction, and as long as I don't take a drop of alcohol, I can remain free and live a normal life.

RR makes a big deal about making the Big Plan, and the way I read it, it sounds as if you just pledge never to drink again, and the affect is achieved. It wasn't like that for me. You are feeling uneasy about this, because your rational mind is telling you that gaining permanent sobriety takes more than just a pledge. You probably also think you will be having to give something up that is important to you. Believe me, being a drunk is not that important in your life.

I never made that RR pledge, at least in the way RR presents it. There was a time early on in sobriety, when I knew I would never drink again and mentioned that at an AA meeting. I was chided for saying such a thing, because no one can predict the future, but I was not pledging this. It was just a thing I knew, and I didn't argue with those who chided me. Some of those people are still out there drinking.

Yes, you will lose that uncomfortable feeling. Nine days may be too early to know this. Knowing comes from self confidence, and self confidence comes through success, and success takes time. It takes a string of successes to know when you're done drinking. You have a string of days. That is like 1 success. My next success came from developing other plans on how not to drink when I found myself in situations where others were drinking. I was helped by other AA members in making a plan for such an event. I now had 2 successes. Your next success may be something along those lines, preparing for the future. What will you do if situation "X" happens?

As you add more days to your sobriety this could also be additional success, but I believe there is more to it than just time. AA says there must be more and offers the 12 steps. My "more" was continued self exploration toward better understanding of who I was, basically the 12 steps in secular mode, recognizing my vulnerabilities and planning ahead to be ready for them. This is the enjoyable part of recovery for me. Instead of fighting cravings, it is taking on challenges, being prepared, and taking a more active role in my life. Most successful recovering alcoholics believe there is more than just quitting, although just quitting may be good enough for some.

I had those feelings too, but I recognized those days were long gone. Drinking had become a reaction to my addiction, not something that provided me pleasure. It was something to do, something to fill the time. It was a memory of pleasure from an earlier time, now long gone. But the pleasure was not there, only misery that I was trying hard not to admit.

You will gain what you seek, and you are off to a good start. Keep working, it will get easier, but it doesn't happen that fast. You are still very very new to this.

dustyfox

Yes, it's a good point - the seeking after instant gratification or a pleasure rush is to be guarded against. Even to a certain extent the euphoria of feeling listened to and understood here, on SR, is a form of gratification - but one which is infinitely preferable to getting drunk or high. The larger perspective is that my life will go on and be free of the chains of addiction. However while I am 'recovering' (because I am still 'in recovery' or still in the process of 'transforming') I will no doubt benefit from emotional /spiritual nourishment . I could ask, perhaps now too hypervigilant, is that my AV casting around for pleasure? I don't think it is because the pleasure remains with me rather than drains away. For me 'how I feel' is quite important - at the very least I need to feel numb - but at best I strive for joyful and calm, each day passes and is marked by me as a success not only because I have not drunk any alcohol but because I have not experienced, what I now know was called, a 'white knuckle' day - I have/am welcoming my sobriety, something that in the past I didn't , all I did was battle.

Aellyce

Yes, of course feelings carry important information about ourselves and are essential for a fulfilling life and to find our place in society. I think it's best if you judge for yourself what is good/necessary and what is counterproductive/AV. I think sometimes people go a bit overboard with designating too many normal human desires and ways of doing things as AV, but I guess (hope) because that works for them. Find out what works for you. I also think that emotional and spiritual nourishment is important, especially because they often get so neglected during active addiction, but it means different things to everyone. I personally do not believe that too much deprivation is ever a good idea, that's what can lead to craving destructive substitutes - our brains and whole system are designed to respond to stimuli and operate with rewards, that's why addiction can also exist. Quit one addiction, trade it with another - it can be very sneaky. I had that experience with eating disorders in my childhood, and when I once moved to a geographic/cultural location very unsuitable for me, thinking I could handle it for a while. The latter condition was when my alcoholism escalated very quickly and I would neglect my normal needs even more and just indulge in drinking and other things that were bad for me. It's a cliche, but balance is everything. For me, a big part of the post-alcohol era is achieving a new, healthier balance - it definitely involves working on many aspects of myself and my life.

Anna

Dustyfox, I'm glad you're looking at recovery programs and seeing what each offers. We all need to find a path that works for us. I'm a DIY person, but I know that when I accepted I would never drink again, my mind jumped onboard and began coming up with healthy ways to get through early recovery. Right now your AV is shaking you up because it knows that it's losing. Find comfort in that thought.