happylandfills

My first relapse happened. I don't know why I gave in so easily. If I didn't do it, I'd be two weeks clean and feeling a lot better about myself than I do right now. I went on a two day bender after digging through my trash for MDMA crystals I threw away when I decided to be sober. It wasn't worth it- not even in the slightest. Even if I wasn't having withdrawal symptoms right now it wouldn't be. The high was exhausting and the hallucinations were scary, but somehow I want more.

I need to learn how to want to be sober more than I want to be high. I wish I hadn't already screwed up so much so I could tell someone, but if I do I'm afraid they'll think I wasn't trying hard enough. I wish I could describe the hatred I have for my sober mind, and how much I want to escape my head. If I say anything I'll just become the junkie that I was a few weeks ago, with no willpower.

Starting over is so hard. Just a few days ago I was so ready to embrace sobriety. I ordered a few books to help me along the way, but I caved before they even shipped. If it was this hard barely two weeks in, I'm scared for how hard it'll be further on, that is, if I can even make it. I'm going to keep trying, but it's going to be very difficult. I just want to be a normal person who can be happy without substances.

Free2bme888

Gets easier, get through the days (sometimes minutes), and starve that addiction. Gain sober muscle and self trust as the minutes, hours, days, weeks stack into months and years.

good you’re back!

brighterday1234

It’s entirely possible! There is a solution. It also gets much easier over time as new healthy ways of living, being and thinking become engrained 🙏

Anna

It is hard, there's no question about it. But, we can do hard things.

You don't have to feel this way again. Take a look at your recovery plan or make one if you don't have one yet. Figure out what you could add to it so that another relapse will not happen. And, be kind to yourself.

Dee74

I know you said in another thread cravings hit you hard.
When they come again (as I'm afraid they probably will) why not post here instead.,..let us help?

It is hard work and you may not feel glad in the moment, but you will the morning after

Got to be better than rooting through the trash Happy (no judgement - did that myself )

D

TheAten

I’ve done it with the recycling bin - trying to find any dregs in cans and bottles I’d thrown away. Why I bothered, though, I don’t know - I never, ever threw any booze bottle away before first ensuring it was desert dry!

Scd619x

Keep moving forward, read the books and stick around here. NA is supposed to be quite cool, i'm in AA and their meetings and get togethers are much more fun than ours. Remember to look after yourself as best you can, eat, sleep and get some exercise of any sort.

Ekohe

I know the feeling. I have relapsed after a year sober, two bouts of 6 months, and 5 months. Every time, though shortly after there is more despair, I learn more about what lead to my relapse. I can feel myself getting stronger than my addiction every time I get back up. I think the books will be a great help as well. How are you feeling today?

Gabe1980

Sending love to you

Take care you yourself. What we are doing is really hard but you can make it. The prove is on this site with the people who have broken free xx

happylandfills

Thank you so much, everyone. I think that now since I've had my first relapse I know that it's not worth it, and that it never will be. I just need to really put my mind to it and remember all that I have at stake if I start using again.

Tomorrow my sobriety recovery books should come in the mail. I can start making my plan then and I'll share it here with you guys to see if it's good. I've never made a plan before so I'm not quite sure how it's done or what a good one looks like.

Today I'm feeling quite bad. The depression and shame have really been weighing on me. I had dreams about being on Xanax last night and I woke up with immense cravings. Stupid brain. I'm hoping church will make me feel better. I'm also supposed to hear back from a restaurant I interviewed at by tomorrow so fingers crossed I'll get the job. I think work will be a good distraction for me.

phoebe64

Happy. I’m glad you’re right back with us!

anxiousrock

Sorry you has a relapse, but glad that you came back here. Don't be too hard on yourself, and try to figure out what happened and how to change it next time.