Dealing with shame?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 45
Dealing with shame?
Hi guys
Really feeling it today. The regrets of my past, the way I used to look and act (I had a crippling anxiety disorder for years made even worse by drink. I used to look awful and pretty much couldn't function day to day - a walking panic attack). Today however I'm really thinking about the errors of judgement I've had when drunk and getting down about them. I'm a different person sober to when drunk but really feeling it today.
Any advice?
Really feeling it today. The regrets of my past, the way I used to look and act (I had a crippling anxiety disorder for years made even worse by drink. I used to look awful and pretty much couldn't function day to day - a walking panic attack). Today however I'm really thinking about the errors of judgement I've had when drunk and getting down about them. I'm a different person sober to when drunk but really feeling it today.
Any advice?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
The Serenity Prayer is something they say at the end of every AA meeting, and it was on a constant loop in my head in early sobriety.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference.
Rumination about past events is a human thing. A dog doesn't stress out over that time she chewed up your slipper. It's also a really bad habit that can be broken with practice. I accept that I made some super bad decisions under the influence. Some things I did when I was in my twenties still haunt me to this day, decades later. However, what can be done? Absolutely nothing. So I don't dwell on them.
If/when they come up I do something. Anything. Wash dishes, clean a drawer, fold clothes, weed the garden, do squats. Whatever.
Turn the page. It's over, we all have regrets. Just don't pick up a drink to quiet those thoughts. They will become manageable in time.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference.
Rumination about past events is a human thing. A dog doesn't stress out over that time she chewed up your slipper. It's also a really bad habit that can be broken with practice. I accept that I made some super bad decisions under the influence. Some things I did when I was in my twenties still haunt me to this day, decades later. However, what can be done? Absolutely nothing. So I don't dwell on them.
If/when they come up I do something. Anything. Wash dishes, clean a drawer, fold clothes, weed the garden, do squats. Whatever.
Turn the page. It's over, we all have regrets. Just don't pick up a drink to quiet those thoughts. They will become manageable in time.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
The past is the past. Its not your current state nor is it your future.
You have NOW. You are not drinking. Making improvements and learning.
Be gentle with you. We all have made mistakes. Every single human on the planet has made or will make mistakes.
Walk with strength and love for yourself. You are on a new chapter. Rejoice in that.
You have NOW. You are not drinking. Making improvements and learning.
Be gentle with you. We all have made mistakes. Every single human on the planet has made or will make mistakes.
Walk with strength and love for yourself. You are on a new chapter. Rejoice in that.
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: Upper Chichester, Pennsylvania
Posts: 121
I need to tell you that you’re very fortunate to be aware of your problem before you get too old to do anything about it.
I had a friend with the same anxiety problem as yourself. He was a brilliant man but, In his case, he never left the apartment and drank his entire life until it killed him in the end when an infection from his bad teeth hit and spread throughout his body.
You are doing much better than him of course.
As for regret, I have a full lifetime of them, all due to alcoholism and bipolar disease. I’ve hurt everyone I ever loved - over and over again - and it’s too late to say I’m sorry or tell them how much I love them because they’ve all passed on now.
But, for me, being able to squarely face up to my past means that it’s starting to become a part of that I can begin to accept.
I had a friend with the same anxiety problem as yourself. He was a brilliant man but, In his case, he never left the apartment and drank his entire life until it killed him in the end when an infection from his bad teeth hit and spread throughout his body.
You are doing much better than him of course.
As for regret, I have a full lifetime of them, all due to alcoholism and bipolar disease. I’ve hurt everyone I ever loved - over and over again - and it’s too late to say I’m sorry or tell them how much I love them because they’ve all passed on now.
But, for me, being able to squarely face up to my past means that it’s starting to become a part of that I can begin to accept.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Remind yourself how much you have improved your life by not drinking and focus on that.
I also found journaling helped when I was really struggling with guilt and shame. For me, it helped to write things on paper and it made it easier to let them go.
I also found journaling helped when I was really struggling with guilt and shame. For me, it helped to write things on paper and it made it easier to let them go.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
I don't see it as we have anything to be ashamed of. We did what we did out of pain and ignorance. Then we work on fixing what made us act that way. Guilt is still good because it motivates us but shame is worthless.
Nothing to be shamed of. You are not your actions.
Nothing to be shamed of. You are not your actions.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Guilt is a useful emotion, shame is destructive. Guilt is getting a speeding ticket for driving too fast. Shame is thinking you're the worst driver in the world for getting a ticket.
Guilt over getting a ticket may help keep you from getting another one but shame just keeps you stuck in the mistakes you made in the past.
It's hard to do, but you must forgive yourself for your wrongdoings.
Guilt over getting a ticket may help keep you from getting another one but shame just keeps you stuck in the mistakes you made in the past.
It's hard to do, but you must forgive yourself for your wrongdoings.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Rumination. We used to be friends and my lifelong friend anxiety would also tag along. They overstayed their welcome and I had to kick them out. I now have the house to myself. Its been really nice.
Keep moving forward.
Keep moving forward.
Member
Join Date: May 2020
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,025
silent run & least, can you explain to me how guilt is good in the op’s context? I’m confused a bit and thanked you for your posts but I’m having a hard time understanding it. I might learn and I enjoy learning so please share your thoughts on guilt a bit more.
I’m sorry to distract from the original post so please pm me if you’d care to.
I’m sorry to distract from the original post so please pm me if you’d care to.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Don't feel bad about overthinking - it comes with the territory for most of us.As far as feeling shame goes - I think it's better to use that energy to make today the best day we can.
Doing good cancels out shame like nothing else
D
Doing good cancels out shame like nothing else
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
When I've done something wrong, I feel guilty, cause I was raised in a family that encouraged honesty. So if I feel guilty, I know I've done something wrong and need to rectify it. So guilt isn't harmful (to me, anyway) as it just backs up my honesty meter in confirming that I need to correct something in my life.
Whereas shame makes me feel like poop, worthless and unwanted. I don't need that dragging me down, or back into my past. Guilt motivates me to right the wrong, shame keeps me stuck in despair.
Whereas shame makes me feel like poop, worthless and unwanted. I don't need that dragging me down, or back into my past. Guilt motivates me to right the wrong, shame keeps me stuck in despair.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
DR - I know exactly how you feel. Those were my thoughts too when I was newly sober. It almost led me back to numbing myself - but I knew that would just set me back & undo all my hard work. I finally convinced myself that the person I was when drinking - who lived so recklessly - is not me. Thankfully, she is gone now & never coming back. Be kind to yourself and don't let those thoughts overwhelm you. I think of the bad times only once in a while - and they serve to remind me of a life I would be horrified to return to. Then I get back to recovering.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Guilt means you did something you recognize as hurtful so you work to change it. Shame attaches that action to yourself. Its the difference between you told a lie and you're a liar.
I had this experience in my recovery where I saw that what I really was could never be added to or subtracted from. No amount of anything could move that needle of worth in either direction.
I had this experience in my recovery where I saw that what I really was could never be added to or subtracted from. No amount of anything could move that needle of worth in either direction.
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