happylandfills

I wish I had quit back when I was 14 when I was first caught. It was just pot, and I didn't see what the big deal was. I lied to my parents over and over again to get them off my back but I kept doing it, over and over and over. In my mind, they were just overly religious conservatives who wanted me to be like them. Now, 6 years later I've done more drugs than I can count on my fingers. Crummy year after another brings more and more drugs my way. Weed, magic mushrooms, LSD, some pills my dealer sold $1 a pop, salvia, Gabapentin, Xanax, Adderall, cocaine, ketamine, ecstasy, and not to mention the alcohol. My grandmom died last Friday and I decided the only way to cope was with vodka and lines of molly, until my boyfriend called my 17 year old sister to check on me because I was acting weird. I don't remember that night at all, but the next day my dad was furious and demanding I pack my things and leave.
My grandmom's funeral is tomorrow, and my dad's heart has softened and fortunately I'm allowed to stay. I haven't had anything since the incident with my sister last week, but thinking about the funeral makes me really want to. I'm not going, not because I don't want to, but because a family member that sexually abused me is going to be there. I tried to make it known that I really don't want to be in the same room as him, but even after my uncle asked if it were okay if he were there, I guess I'm not in good enough standing to be making demands. I'm fortunate that my dad believes in me and trusts me to clean up my act and try to get my life together, but no one else in my family does. We'll be staying home while everyone's at the funeral tomorrow, but I know the entire time I'll be wanting to get high/drunk. I still have a small stash of drugs I'm holding for a friend but since my dad has my phone and keys, I'm not sure when I'll be able to get them to him. It's very tempting to dip into it.
I guess I ended up here because I desperately need someone in my life that I can relate to with these issues. My whole life I've always been the one with the drugs. I was the weird kid in school, but the friends that I had knew they could rely on me for drugs. The friends I had after high school thought it was fun at first, but after I got into harder drugs they fell away from me. The friends I do have either enable me or don't understand, and give subtle support from a distance. It's very lonely, and sometimes all I feel like I have in my life that will always be there are my geckos. I have no idea how to face my emotions because I've been hiding from them my whole life, with drugs, alcohol, self-harm, eating disorders, sex, or even sleeping. I can't fathom any pain, and because of the stress of the past week I haven't been able to grieve over my grandmom. I fear the day the emotions catch up to me.
Even though I'm very fortunate in my position and privileged to still have a place to live after what I've done and all the lies I've told, I still feel so hopeless. I cry all the time. My guilt is overwhelming. I have really dark thoughts and sometimes I'm scared of where my mind goes. If anyone feels like we could find company in misery, or offer advice, or even just say "I hear you," it would be appreciated. I would just really like a friend right now.
Thanks for reading, I hope I did this intro post thing right. Cheers.

Jo43

Hey lovely! Just wanted to say hi and I’m listening. Im Josie and I’m an alcoholic. I’m here if you ever want to talk. We have all done things we are ashamed of and are guilty over but part of the recovery process is to slowly forgive yourself and give yourself the love you deserve. Sending lots of virtual hugs your way xx

tufty13

Hey!

I hear you!

There’s as many friends as you want here. And every one of us will be empathetic to what you’re coping with right now.

I’m sorry for your loss too. Have another virtual hug.

happylandfills

Hi Josie, thanks for reading my post. I'm glad I found a place where everyone can relate to each other. Thanks for the virtual hug, I'm also here for you if you need a buddy too.

happylandfills

Hi, thanks for responding. I'm grateful that everyone here is empathetic and we can all support each other. Things have been really hard lately so I appreciate the virtual hugs. Thanks

Anna

Welcome. Guilt and shame are often overwhelming in addiction and often, those feelings can make it harder to recovery. We do understand how hard this is. You have found a good place for support.

Hevyn

Welcome, happylandfills - I'm so glad you joined.
You've found a great place for understanding & support. Our families & friends usually can't relate to what we go through. Here, we can share our thoughts without being judged or criticized.
Please know that you're never alone, and we definitely do hear you.

GerandTwine

Quote:

Originally Posted by happylandfills

I still have a small stash of drugs I'm holding for a friend but since my dad has my phone and keys, I'm not sure when I'll be able to get them to him. It's very tempting to dip into it.

...

The above is your immediate problem. But there is great hope for solving it. Then you can move ahead to become the adult you would like to be.

You’ve got to make an immediate decision to continue the week you have so far. Continue to NOT satisfy that habituated appetite you have acquired for getting high/low/tripping, all of that mind altering stuff. Then you can address how you want to move ahead and nail down your recovery from addiction and make it iron clad protection from those habituated appetites we all know about here. You CAN do it. And that is the only way you can then solve other mental health issues you might want to deal with.

That “subtle support from a distance” is something good for you. It is you imagining what they are thinking about you that you know you should be thinking about yourself. You are much more than simply being a slave to your managing obtaining those various assaults of pleasure from drugs and alcohol. Your life will grow like a seed bursting into a plant out of the earth.

advbike

Welcome Happy. You're among friends here and you you can have an awesome life with some effort and great support - which you will find here. Keep talking to us!

OneThingAtATime

Thank you for sharing happy and I am sorry about your grand mother. You may not have quit at 14 but hind sight is 20-20 and you are here now. The good thing is that you can use all those bad experiences and turn them into good lessons learned. I am glad that you do have a supportive parent and would surely try and get rid of what you are holding as soon as possible. Temptation, in the beginning is a hard hill to climb over. You have taken a good step getting on here and we are here for you. You have a lot going on so be kind to yourself, you have every right to demand the best for yourself and help is here when ever you need it.

Primativo

Hey.

I am sure your mind is having dark thoughts sometimes. That is the side effect of abusing mind altering substances, whatever pleasure you derive from taking them, the payback is always anxiety, depression etc You will find that prolonged abstinence from drugs will improve your mental health remarkably, and if, and it is a big if, you have any underlying mental issues, they can be treated. You can't get better whilst doing any drugs.

Stick around, you'll find lots of support here.

Scd619x

It took me until my 40s to figure out that guilt is one of the most useless and destructive 'feelings' we can have! Very common though with people who have issues in their life. Who thanks you for feeling guilty? I'll be greeted as the gates by Saint Peter who will have a tally sheet of all the time that i felt guilty lol? I'm pretty sure not. Whenever i felt guilty about hurting someone or doing something dishonest to someone else, how would that make them feel? I really thought they would think oh well at least he feels guilty! Like that is some kind of comfort. Of course the only person who got off on me feeling guilty was me! Perfect as i felt so little of myself and it gave me an excellent opportunity to confirm how i felt and get on with a load of internal self flogging. Tell you what if you meet anyone who thinks it's good that you feel guilt then run for the hills! What would be good is learning and growing so we didn't keep getting ourselves in the s*** again and again not doing it then feeling guilty! Anyways that's my take on guilt. Glad you are here and hope you stick around.

PS just to re-iterate one more time, don't feel guilty we have all done lots of s***, ok

Dee74

Hi happylandfill and welcome

My life was pretty screwed up when I found this place. The love and support I found here helped me turn my life around. The people here really get it .

I know we can help you too

D

Sober45

Hello Happy and welcome to SR. We understand addiction and how tough it is. I think just by posting here you made a very positive step forward. Please try to continue with that, no matter the situation. We achieve sobriety by making a plan to deal with the urges and then we do it one day at a time.

You recognize why you drink, to avoid emotions. That’s another positive realization right there.

Stay close!

least

Welcome to the family! I know you'll find lots of support here.

TroubleAfoot

Hi Happy!

I hope you made it through today okay and I am very sorry about you losing your grandma. You have come to the right place because, here, you will find many of us were in a similar place as you, with the feelings of shame and despair, but have been able to beat their addictions and banish those demons that once haunted us. That means you can do it too and you will get lots of support here to aid you on your journey. The road to a getting, and staying, clean can be bumpy, and sometimes seem uncertain, but you will be able to push through to a much better and fulfilling life, Keep coming by and keeping us updated. Also read the success stories, of others, as they can be very motivating and inspire you to stay the course.

I, myself, am quite fresh on my current attempt at sobriety (13 days) but, after several previous attempts, which failed after a few months, I have a new level of commitment which I never had before. I am confident I can stay the course this time. I felt shaky at first but I found Sober Recovery and, in these short couple of weeks, have been inspired more than I ever thought possible. It's a good place to be.

You can do it. Remember - you are not who you were. You are who you are now, today, resolutely taking control of your life instead of letting alcohol and drugs be in control of it.

happylandfills

I agree that those things weren't helping me at all. I ended up throwing away the stash I had, even though it wasn't mine. Hopefully my friend will understand that I needed to since I'm trying to be sober. I appreciate your honesty, I really do. It's why I knew it was a good idea to join this site.
It's been a week since I've used/drank and I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling. My dad is still supporting me and letting me live at home, but my mom and older sister seem to hate him for it. All I know is I want to prove him right, that he's a good parent for not giving up on me.
Your kind words definitely push me in the right direction, thank you

happylandfills

Thank you for your really kind words! Her funeral is tomorrow and I'm dreading it. It's going to be really hard, especially sober. I did end up throwing away the stash I was holding for my friend, and I hope he'll understand why I had to get rid of it. I really would like to prove my dad right, that he is a good parent and not stupid for letting me still stay in his house.
Being kind to myself is really hard, but I think that's one of the reasons I was inclined to join this site. So far the positivity has been overwhelming, and I don't want to let you guys down either. I never thought I'd have so many new friends

happylandfills

Thank you so much! I'm really looking forward to the friends I'll make here, ones that will understand what I'm going through and help me be better. I'm glad that this site exists and that it's helped you and so many people. It's really given me hope

happylandfills

Thank you! I appreciate your kind words a lot. You make a super good point, I didn't even realize that I was already on a better path by joining this site and realizing why I use/drink. Thanks for helping me realize that! I'll definitely try to frequent the site. I don't really know where else I can go for guaranteed support except my dad, but he's never touched drugs or alcohol so he can't exactly relate, if that makes sense. He's an amazing parent and I'm so thankful for him and his support, but it's nice to have a group of people who have been in my shoes, y'know? Anyways, thanks for the response