BackandScared

We all have a style LG. Being direct is not the same as aggressive and being a bit 'aggressive' in the tone when something has bothered you, is a form of expressing your emotions when you only have written words; a form that is not hurtful to anyone.
I repeat that our reactions to this kind of posts reveals a lot about ourselves and our relation (or lack of) with alcohol. It was for sure extremely insightful to me. So thanks again.

EllyB

So, I've been reading this thread as a relative newcomer (nearly 5 months sober) and I can relate to lessgravity's nostalgic feelings.
I was rarely someone who drank more than others in social situations and rarely experienced negative consequences as a result...most of my negative results were from drinking at home, alone or with my husband. As an introvert, it did help to have a drink or 3 to relax and enjoy conversations in social situations. I also drank for 20+ years before my drinking became problematic.

So I can relate to your feelings, LG, even as a 50 something female..and I appreciate your expressing them.

It seems like the message from many is more, "you shouldn't feel/think this way about alcohol and socializing if you are going to stay sober." But one thing I have been learning in recovery is that putting down thoughts and feelings can help process them. As can sharing then feelings. (ETA message from some)

So on that note, I would be curious to know how others who have felt this way have dealt with this nostalgia or move forward from it. Is it just a matter of reminding oneself of the negatives of drinking overall? What do you do to connect better to people when you are the only completely sober person? Did you find it got easier with time to be in social situations?

ciowa

I've heard other people express similar feelings in some of the groups I attend so I know it happens. I just keep in mind that even thought its not something I deal with, others will feel things different due to our own different experiences and personalities. Part of my job is dependent on me meeting a lot of people and traveling. In both my drinking days and recovery, I can feel a little bit of social overload and value the time I get to spend alone.

In the same way, I dont really relate to people who share that they experience boredom because I feel like Im already over scheduled as it is and wish I had more free time to pursue things like reading, watching movies, listening to music etc. But there are people in group and on the forums for whom boredom is a big obstacle to deal with and I recognize that. Its not one I deal with but I understand it is for others and try to at least lend a supportive voice when I can.

silentrun

For what its worth I had some weird thing come over me at 3 years where the AV tried to convince me I was missing out on something and wasnt normal because I wouldn't be able to take shots during trick or treating. I didn't even have anyone to take trick or treating.

silentrun

My social life took an immediate nose dive. It really didn't matter tho because the worse my drinking got the more I isolated. My social life was about to take a dive either way.

The thing that really gave me trouble was finding some other way to motivate myself. Flying around all day to make everything perfect so I could justify getting drunk just wasn't the same without the drunk. It took awhile but things started to balance out once that motivation was gone. I shouldn't have been flying around all day like that to begin with.

lessgravity

That's exactly it for me, in terms of many responses to this thread and many responses I've gotten throughout the years on SR. And while I appreciate that some of us put up a kind of wall against or push back against my kind of thinking, I haven't found this method of process helpful in my sobriety. And that's just me.

However I can speak to this too, even as someone who has the feelings I've expressed in this thread. I do not romanticize drinking - my last years of booze were brutal, ugly and shameful. The negatives of drinking so vastly outweigh the positives that it's barely even an equation - nothing will cause me to drink again, ever, in any situation. I don't doubt this and I feel if throughout my whole person. And yes, social situations got much easier with time. I've posted here about how now when I have a dinner with friends I barely notice wine being drunk, whereas in my early sobriety I would count everyone's last sip. Point is that you can be a person like me, who acknowledges what I have said in these posts, and still get to a point where there is absolutely no ambivalence as to drinking.

EllyB

That's good to know. I'm doing my best to be there in a year or two.

silentrun

The negatives outweigh the positives?

Something that helped me was to frame that as there were no positives to drinking. Early on there were or I wouldn't have gotten hooked like I did but there was nothing good about it left by the time I finally escaped. Any enjoyment I was ever going to get from drinking was long gone.

Dropsie

Everybody has their own way, but for me it does not work to say there are no positives to drinking, because for me there would be but...... If I could stop at 2 or even 3 drinks, I would have a more fun life than I do as a tee totaler (TT), but that fun would be totally counter-balanced by the pure hell that small amount of fun would bring because I cannot have 2 drinks. I know that.
​​​And that is why I do not drink and will never quit the decision.
But the way my mind works, it is better to acknowledge that and at the same time accept to my soul that I will never drink because I cannot and never will be able to control my drinking, than to try and convince myself that there is nothing at all positive about drinking.
I know other people I hugely respect feel differently, but that is the way I roll.
The other thing I would add is that I do wonder if you are right that those same guys would not be as good friends with your TT self, provided you want to be friends w/them in their not TT selves. For me, my old friends are exactly the same and I have made a lot of new friends, including many in our chosen profession, since I went TT.
Men and women and they all think its cool I don't drink and many seem actually quite envious and respectful because they know it would be hard for them given how important drinking is around our job.
But I don't tell them why I quit drinking or the gory details, just that I decided to stop drinking. Period. No more. If they ask why, I say because on balance it is better for me. We work hard and being able to sleep better and be at the top of my game is preferred to a bit of drinking. At which point they say something like, respect, and that is the end of it.
I go out of my way not to make anyone who is drinking feel uncomfortable. I buy rounds, have fun, chill out, just like I used to, but I remember everything I do and can be around to assist if anyone is over served. Does not work for everyone, but it works for me. And everyone loves a designated driver. Just saying.
LG, found this thread very helpful, thanks.
XX

BackandScared

It depends. Not sure how this will evolve. I have not drank for the past 22 months. At the start I was just convinced I could not drink or think about drinking; I would push the thought away. In social settings non-alcoholic beer helped me. I know is very controversial, but it was very useful to me because quitting coincided with a full residential course. I had to socialise with students and trainers from morning to night. Alcohol was always there.

I hardly ever drink a non-alcoholic beer now. My favourite 'special' drink is rose lemonade or other kind of lemonades.

My husband drinks most WEs. He gets a bit tipsy at times but I have never, in 20 years, seen him drunk. He is someone very serious by nature; brought up in a very strict family and culture. He manages lots of people and never seems to relax. When he drinks, both the kids and I enjoy when he overdoes it a bit and relaxes. He becomes funny and relaxed and vulnerable in a very nice way. My main danger is not feeling 'connected' with him on this any longer. Getting a bit tipsy together, even the drunk sex. I guess he misses it too. He never dealt with my problem; I always managed to hide it despite passing out every night. When these nostalgic thoughts come I remember what comes next: not remembering anything the day after. The fear I have done something stupid I don't know about; did I fall asleep during a conversation? did I initiate a stupid row and he will get up upset with me not having a clue what about?

How will I cope with the massive headache all day while everybody else is fine (I would be obviously drinking secretly much more than my husband so he would not be having a hungover at all). How will I find time to drink more? Where will I hide the bottle now? When can I escape to the shop to buy more alcohol and bring it to the house? When I think of the consequences, the craving and nostalgia disappears. So yes, for me I need to think on what it really was like to get this 'connection' with my husband and where it got me.

EllyB

Thank you. Yes, this is useful. I miss having a few drinks with my husband or friends and enjoying that relaxed closeness. I don't miss worrying about where my next drink is coming from or hiding bottles. I don't miss feeling guilty fo arguing with my daughter over whether I needed a couple of glasses of wine every afternoon. I definitely don't miss the benders when I was feeling bored or stuck and I would get sick the next day. And I can't separate the two things because this is where I ended up in my drinking. Tonight we are going out to dinner with friends to celebrate all of us being pretty much fully vaxxed, so I will look at it as another chance to practice enjoying myself sober.

fishkiller

I disagree with the highlighted points. I will dismiss them as AV.

I know noone, unless they are in denial about their problem, who has said " if I didn't drink my life would not be this good". To counter that, in the short time I have been sober my life has been enriched in ways never possible while drinking.

As alcoholics we have no idea what a normal life is while we are actively drinking. The one we are in is definitely not normal. Most people I know living a "normal" life do not drink.

I know you are comparing "normal" people to problem drinkers but we cannot worry about what others do, can do or cannot do. We need to focus on us and our lives.
It makes this process much easier.

I am not picking on you so please don't take it that way. Just trying to give you another perspective. You are looking at life from a drinkers eyes. Someone who does not drink, for whatever reason, looks at life completely different.

Look at it this way, when there are a couple guys standing around having a few beers and I am not do I not fit in? Maybe, maybe not. I don't care
Do diabetics get looked at and treated differently because they cannot enjoy a candy bar with us? Probably not

Don't over think this. If alcohol is causing problems in your life you need to eliminate it from your life. Period. Everything else is just noise, AV.