JustShowUp

Hey all. What a comforting yet sad realization that there are more like me.

I've been with my husband since 2013. We come from opposite sides of life. He had a sketchy past but it drew me in, bad habits were there but I stupidly pedestaled them (if that makes sense). In 2016, I had a failed pregnancy that triggered an alcoholic coping path for my husband that I didn't see coming.

I feel obligated to say that he really IS wonderful man when he's sober. Annoying and quirky but that's that's I love.

Fast forward May 2021....he crossed a line he can't uncross over the weekend and I am now sleeping in a separate room. He mixed Trulys (his new go-to), pain meds, and likely liquor (I keep finding Vodka bottles). Long story short, it resulted in him coming at me with his fist. Nothing like this has ever happened. It was all slow motion because I couldn't actuality believe he was following through with one of his BS-threats of god-knows-what. It was by NO means full force but it happened. It was *literally* slow motion because he was out of it. But I saw it and remember it clearly. He immediately denied it and said tried to say I somehow messed up my own lip.

He apologized.

I'm so f-ing sick of apologies and I'm sorrys.

He said he would put the pain meds away and "only use them when he needs them". Sure. That fixes everything.

Alcoholism has been discussed painfully at length. He knows. I know. He's incredibly intelligent and knows he's too smart to be this dumb.

I'm just.....I've just......I have nothing left. No empathy, no sympathy....no interest in hearing him mumble to himself or twitch excessively. No desire to see him sleep all day but be awake at awful hours. No longer do I care when I find large empty bottles stashed around the house. The sound of that can popping at 6am still makes my skin crawl but no longer am I immediately resentful. I'm just over making him be the center of this house.

All that to say I don't know what to do now. I plan to stay in the spare bedroom. I imagine wanting to stay there until he takes his health seriously. I know it's not me despite him saying otherwise. I'm just finally waking up to my self worth. I want better. But I know now I've been an enabler for so long. I've been declining I job perfomance and mental health for a while now. I finally started seeking help a few months ago, things are turning around for me. I just wish he would try to make things turn around for him too. He's so fantastic, so wonderful, my flippin' hubs....but I can't stand his other side. Am I pathetic for still seeing the good? Sigh.

It's just so nice to know there are other out there that also carry this weight.

KidsEverywhere

Welcome and yes- sadly there are a lot of stories like yours.
For me, there were a lot of “yets” that were passed: only drink beer- until I drank liquor. Never drink and drive- until I drank and drove. Never endanger my kids- until I endangered my kids. I never hit my wife- but if kept my drinking up- that would have happened too. There are simply few, if any, lines that go uncrossed as this addiction thing is a progressive problem (gets worse and worse over time).
Having said all of that- it is completely up to him. There is no shaming, guilt, or other pressure you can apply to him that is going to make him stop until he is ready. Talking to him about it when things are heated or when he is drinking/ using- never leads to anything constructive. The notion of taking pain pills “only when needed” when someone is already abusing them is simply not realistic.
when there is an alcohol/ drug problem- part of the issue is we cannot drink/ use like a normal person- that is the big wish of all problem drinkers users.
So it is really about what your bottom line is- are you willing to put up with it? Are you ready to draw a line in the sand and say- I’m leaving until you clean up your act? Just like nobody can make him stop/ he has to decide that for himself- you have to do the same for what makes sense in your life.
I pray things improve quickly and you have a good life regardless.

Dee74

I’m sorry for what brings you here, but you will find help and support.

Violence is a deal breaker for me tho.
It would mean a exit for me.

Do you feel safe where you are?

D

D122y

Drinking and drugging is a learned behavior that quickly causes an insidious progressive death spiral for an accepted percentage of the population. A stat.

Health is wealth. The addict has to want to quit very bad because quitting hurts like nothing a person has ever experienced. Even for the so called normie.

These is more if you read around here and there and ask questions.

Thanks for the therapy.

JustShowUp

I feel safe. I'm just uncomfortable with how to move forward. I believe this was a one off event....but I feel ridiculous for thinking that. I worry that if I go back and sleep in our room, it will be like everything is OK. I don't feel like things are OK.

I don't feel unsafe. I just feel awake to a new reality of what happened.

Dee74

I'm a guy but I've been on the receiving end of physical abuse.
I just wanted everything to 'go back to normal' - but after what happened there was no normal to go back to anymore....

It might be worth looking at our Family and Friends forums as well, for their take on this JustShowUp.?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family
D

Delilah1

Hi JustShowUp,

I am glad you joined us, but sorry for what brings you here. I am with Dee in this one, I was engaged right after college to a man who hit me and the first time, said it would never happen again, it did, it was a bad situation and I got myself out of it. I would not feel safe near him, and I also think if you were to just return to the room you share it signals that all is well, when it is really not at all.

A few wonderings..Do you own the home you are living in? If not, making a plan to leave will probably be a little easier, if you do, the. Definitely talk to a lawyer to see what you can do. I would also document what happened, and honestly, I would file a police report. This may be something you want down the road. Do you have kids? If so, that’s another big factor, you want to make sure they’re safe.

Nobody EVER has the right to put their hands on you, drunk or sober, you deserve better, you deserve to be in a safe and healthy relationship.

least

I agree, violence is a deal breaker for me too. I once had a boyfriend who got drunk and abusive. I had little self esteem after living with him and it took me a while to get loose. I'll never let that happen to me again. I don't deserve abuse, and you don't either.

D122y

P.s. I totally agree with my SR friends regarding the violence.

It is a very big deal and it could get extreme. There are people in prison for murder that don't remember doing it.

I don't want to say things like...maybe it will be alright etc.... because God forbid if something were to happen again. Continuing to trust a drugged person is a dice role.

I was usually a mellow drunk but drunk folks, myself included, can get aggressive and insane. Towards the end of my drinking days my wife generally avoided me when I was drinking. Not a good situation.

I have seen several mean drunks. Passive aggressive, mean comments, escalating towards physical violence.

Prayers.

Thanks.

Surrendered19

Hi JSU. Welcome to SR. Humbly, there are no one-offs with us heavy duty drinkers. Once we're drunk, the friggin sky is the limit and everyone else get below decks. A one-off sort of connotes a rational situation. A one-off happens when there are no other variables that can account for the one-off. That is simply not the case with addicts. The variable of being drunk is always there and you might get hit a hundred times. The thing to remember is that he doesn't control whether he hits you or not any more than he controls the sun coming up.

Also, I quibble with the term "one-off" as it applies to you being violently assaulted. A one-off happens when he eats the whole pizza before you get home for dinner. I think it is dangerous to ever describe domestic abuse as a "one-off". It will always be best described as what it is - a violent domestic criminal assault.

biminiblue

I'm 100% with Dee.

I've been in two relationships that turned physically abusive. It's an immediate dealbreaker. I would be gone before the next sunset. It seems like you're in denial.

Sleeping in the other room isn't going to fix this, protecting yourself NOW is the only solution.

Please read these threads:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...out-abuse.html (About Abuse)


Please call a Domestic Violence hotline today.

Aellyce

I've never experienced abuse from a partner or anything else domestic, but am certain it would be a fast deal breaker for me, any kind of abuse and manipulation - it's a boundary that I would not change for any reason. The possible problem with overlooking this episode (even if you sleep in a separate room, might just make it easier for him to engage in substance use) is that it may reinforce a notion for him that he can get away with more bad behavior, even if not physically violent. I don't believe anyone needs to show forgiveness and compassion for abuse, I would not write it off especially with thinking what a wonderful man he is sober, and would not tolerate not communicating about the reality of the situation. At the minimum, I would have a very serious talk with him when he is completely sober and state my boundaries with zero tolerance for turning against you in any form, and add if anything like that happens, I will report it. See what he says, if he shows willingness to work on his problem. If yes, see how it goes, maybe... If no, I personally would not stay, no matter what kind of good past we also have around this.

JustShowUp

Thank you all for the feedback. I have to travel for a few days for work, so I'll circle back with him when I get back home. I'm sick to my stomach about this. All of your feedback was a much needed wake up call. I think I rationalize everything since I've been so alone with this situation for so long. Everything can get explained or brushed under the rug. I'm just done supporting the bad behavior.

As for the home situation, we both own the house. No kids, just 2 fur babies.

I feel so lost for loving him so much. I want such good things for both of us but I can't see us being on the same page anytime soon. And when I talk to him, he will absolutely "work on it". He always does. And then backsides, sometimes quickly, sometimes months go by. He has an addiction therapist but doesn't utilize the sessions when he needs them most. We both struggle with mental health issues....depression for me, anxiety/depression/semi-bipolar for him. Sigh. What a ****** situation.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom.

Mizz

Kick him out of the house or move out yourself. Someone is going to end up seriously injured.

biminiblue

Since you jointly own Real Estate, I would contact an attorney (divorce attorney) before leaving the home permanently. If you get this physical hit documented with the police or an attorney (take a picture!) you'll be in a better position to legally force HIM to leave.

Until you have legal advice, can you stay at a friends' house for a few days? Just tell him you need to be apart for a minute, or that you're puppy-sitting or something.

I think you need to carry your phone and your car keys on you at all times and the next time he's under the influence, call the police (without him knowing) and LEAVE the house immediately. Make copies of your important documents and store them off-site somewhere, change your financial and personal passwords, block his access to any of your monies. If he sniffs that things are different, it can escalate.

If you stay, the next time can be worse.

Please call an attorney today and a Domestic Abuse hotline for advice and ideas.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...out-abuse.html (About Abuse)

Mizz

^^^^^^^^^^^ EVERYTHING Bimini said ^^^^^^^^^

Do all those things.

JustShowUp

Thank you all for the feedback. I have to travel for a few days for work, so I'll circle back with him when I get back home. I'm sick to my stomach about this. All of your feedback was a much needed wake up call. I think I rationalize everything since I've been so alone with this situation for so long. Everything can get explained or brushed under the rug. I'm just done supporting the bad behavior.

As for the home situation, we both own the house. No kids, just 2 fur babies.

I feel so lost for loving him so much. I want such good things for both of us but I can't see us being on the same page anytime soon. And when I talk to him, he will absolutely "work on it". He always does. And then backsides, sometimes quickly, sometimes months go by. He has an addiction therapist but doesn't utilize the sessions when he needs them most. We both struggle with mental health issues....depression for me, anxiety/depression/semi-bipolar for him. Sigh. What a ****** situation.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom.

Anna

Violence and threats of violence are abuse and never acceptable. Violence always escalates. Please take a moment to read the definition of Domestic Abuse:

Domestic Abuse Defined

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US):

http://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.womenshealth.gov/relatio...afety/get-help

Canada:

http://endingviolencecanada.org/getting-help/

https://www.sheltersafe.ca/find-help/#call

UK:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Europe:

Cosc, the National Office for the Prevention of Domestic, Sexual and Gender-based Violence: Local & National Services

https://ec.europa.eu/justice/saynostopvaw/helpline.html

Australia:

https://au.reachout.com/articles/dom...olence-support

call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.

JustShowUp

Is divorce the only option? Am I a complete fool for thinking/imagining otherwise?

ScottFromWI

While it may not be the only option it's certainly one of them and I would prepare for the possibility. Is it a drastic step, yes. But so is physical assault - which has already transpired.