D122y

My mode is to piggy back on threads that don't have many responses for a couple of reasons.

I don't usually start my own threads for personal reasons.

But, I decided this morning to start my own thread because I am having coffee and just fixed the garage door (I think).

So my boss is sooooo annoying. I just want to tell him that he is a full of it, know it all, lieing, cheating, sneaking, low IQ, 2 faced, jerk!

Hopefully, I don't offend anybody that is one or more of these or cares for someone that is one or more of these.

Oh that felt really really really good.

He is a new boss as a civilian, but he was in the military for 20 plus years and his secret to success was all of the above.

He goes to bat for me sometimes, but other times he runs me over with a bus.

Of course I will never tell him what I really think because he would just destroy me and make me even more miserable than he already does.

I don't take it personally, he does this to everyone. His saving grace is he will out work everyone in the building. He will show up a 6 am and stay until 9 pm.

Since being clean this long, I feel like experiences are new, but I don't get as reptile because my brain is not under duress from being an active addict.

There is more, but you get the idea.

I humbly request thoughts, advice, jabs, techniques etc etc.

Love love love.

Thanks.

tufty13

Firstly D122y, thank you for all your input to threads I may have started over the years. And for the encouragement you give to all sobriety seekers.

With regards to your situation, I always find that being as kind and as gentle and as loving as possible, generally disarms those types.

Anna

I love all the posts/threads D122y.

It's hard to have to work for someone who is a miserable person, but hang onto the fact that he supports you sometimes and he's a hard worker. And of course you can come here and vent anytime you need to.

Hevyn

D122 - I hope it felt good to talk about your bosses faults, knowing you're in a safe place where people understand.
I've often worked for people with those same traits. I didn't enjoy repressing my feelings & annoyance, but I always managed to. I suppose it's not healthy for us, but at least we're facing reality with a clear head now.
Your boss probably really appreciates & respects you (& your loyalty) but is one of those types who can't or won't show their true feelings. Some seem to think criticism and belittling is the way to go. I have no idea why - it only results in misery.
Glad you posted about what's going on.

BackandScared

D122. No advice. You are very wise. you can see the good sides of your boss and that this is his personality and not anything related to you. I guess you have to find your own 'win/win' strategy here to make you both as happy as possible. You know you are able to change anything within yourself to achieve what you want and you know how to use that power.

Fusion

Hi D122Y, I wish you weren't experiencing this, so a big hug to you 🤗.

When I was in AA many years ago, although it didn't stop me drinking, it did equip me with some tools. One is this mantra, which I repeated endlessly, because I had a particular person that triggered my reptile brain:, because their behaviour towards me was so reprehensible:

When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done." And I didn't believe in a God, but nonetheless, I repeated that mantra and it worked, although I omitted the 'Thy will be done'.

I don't know how it worked, but It's something to do with neurobiology, apparently. My vision of a 'God' is my Higher Self - which is the polar opposite of my reptile brain.

Love, love, love to you too ❤️.

nez

With knowing all of that, then you should not be surprised by any of his actions. He has shown you what he is, so believe him… and get on with what you need to do. Spinning your wheels over his faults is not productive use of your time. That time could be much better utilized figuring out how to become the best you that you can be.

The best me, I can be, is the one who practices coexistence. That is the me that is the most serene and content me. I like the way the way that me feels.

When I coexist with people that are full of it, know it all, lieing, cheating, sneaking, low IQ, 2 faced, jerks, it doesn’t mean that I buy their crap. It just means that I don’t give them the power to rent space in my head…and that space is prime real estate with a long list of potential renters who are just waiting for space to become available and they are willing to pay top dollar…so I get to selective and careful when I pick and choice who I rent to.

"he is a full of it, know it all, lieing, cheating, sneaking, low IQ, 2 faced, jerk!"..okay…next...

Aellyce

I've never had a boss like that (I think either we would probably kill each-other soon or, preferably, I would quit as I can't tolerate persistent abusive behavior, don't want to be around it even if it does not affect me directly). I've encountered and more loosely worked lots of similar jerks though, some actually my clients (usually I never do gigs for them again). My typical strategy for communicating with the kinds of people is staying very strictly, 100% professional, and keeping the interaction to the minimum. Only communicate things that are either facts or are very clearly supported by evidence. Keep it as short as possible and never get into anything personal, never even respond if they try to push my buttons, only to the strict practical parts of the work. Don't show any vulnerability, bullies tend to capitalize on that. If they are just super arrogant but otherwise intelligent, have useful contributions or are productive, I usually tolerate more for the sake of getting good job done. With ignorant, incompetent, highly insecure (and thus aggressive) people who cannot truly back their views and behavior with rationality, it's the worst. Usually works in the short term, but of course it can be annoying as hell for prolonged periods, so I feel for you!

Fusion

“When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree.

The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying ‘You are too this, or I’m too this.’ That judgment mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are.”― Ram Dass

I love this, Nez. The 'sick man' mantra worked for me, but I 'll admit I didn't feel comfortable calling someone sick. The above Ram Dass quote, is more in alignment with my true-self, it's beautiful.

Fusion

I'm sorry, the AA mantra worked for me years ago...but on reflection, I'd try not to call anyone sick now. I wish I could delete my post No. 6.

Steely

Working from 6am - 9pm look more like 'workaholism' to me D122y. Advise him to 'get with the programme'. . That's 15 hour day! He's a 'new broom' and will 'sweep clean' to start. Maybe he'll settle with Time? Won't improve his IQ tho.

Is there any way you can talk with him, gently?

Military men often don't like advice from those under their 'command' I know, but maybe worth a shot? Engage him in talk of his military career, maybe he's got ptsd? Find out more about him, engage if possible. The more you know about his own trials and tribulations the better placed you will be. Just a thought D122y.

Do you have meetings where stuff like this can be raised? Greater communication between workers and management always makes for better 'productivity' and good will. Peace. I don't know to what degree he's being a jerk, but no worker should suffer mistreatment.

Outside of that just got to employ all of the great strategies we've learned along our sober way. Letting go, etc.

You have every right let him know D122y.

I appreciate your posts too D122y.

Dee74

I think everyone understands you meant no offence or hostility Tatsy, although I too prefer the Ram Dass view.

I had a boss like that D122y. It was way back in my early drinking days, but I did what Tufty suggested and killed them with kindness. It worked - a bit too well cos the guy loved himself & thought I was his best friend when in reality he made my skin crawl.

I didn’t last very long in that job before I got a transfer.

These days I’d probably think there’s a reason for why the guy is why he is, feel sorry for him, shrug my shoulders, and get on with my job best I could.

D

D122y

Your advice/thoughts/experiences made my year.

You folks helped me today.

I have been sober long enough that I am really beginning to see some positive life growth.

I trust my feelings and emotions so much better than in my drinking days of course, but also better than my first couple of years clean.

That is the main reason why I vented to you all.

I am a survivor fan and on one of the episodes a player said something like this...

"I appreciate "so and so" for being honest with me by telling me how I am a nobody (or whatever), but if you think I am stupid enough to tell them what I really think you are wrong."

Love that thought here.

Thanks team.

Love love love.

D122y

P.S. I am studying each response with a microscope. I needed this bad.

Steely

Love love love, D122y

Wastinglife

I get you my friend. You can vent here. It does feel good to get out frustration with work issues with a boss first before you send out drunken emails to the boss at 2am in the morning like I did haha.

I laugh because I actually did that and got fired. I wasn't a member of any support group at the time. Drinking vodka all day and let him have it. He wasn't a good person. Treated people like sh*t

Mizz

I have a few working relationships that I wish were different. There are some behaviors I could do without and those behaviors do not create a positive working relationship with others or myself. Ive seen tempers flare just recently from others and I realized (with some mild satisfaction) that those behaviors were not just for me but everyone was experiencing them. That may sound vague and it is. I dont want others to experience those behaviors that get under my skin but it is good to know I am not alone.

I work on changing myself. Not the other person. I know I am not going to change anyone and its not my job or mission to do that. I know that I can change the way I view this person and these behaviors with enough work on myself. I have been praying for happiness for the other person and staying in my lane. When criticism comes along and there is plenty, I listen and then move forward. I think challenging people are an opportunity for us to grow. Its hard work. Challenging people can bring more challenge than we are prepared for. I also do not talk bad about the person who is challenging me. I have statements of positivity and really try to harness all that is good. That in itself is a very hard exercise when lots of complaints and negativity come into my brain.

I understand where you are coming from and I know it can be hard. So, the above is what I am trying to do to change the dynamic with difficult working relationships.

TroubleAfoot

As Steely said above this guy is a workaholic and, below the surface, this "saving grace," is probably a cover for some extreme inner turmoil he is running from. I say "probably" because maybe, in the short term, he's just trying to impress his superiors but, coupled with his antagonistic attitude I'd say it's more than likely he's either deeply wounded or is a sociopath of some sort. In the former case you might be able to find a way to mesh with him though it seems like his personality is too gruff and macho to allow himself to become too vulnerable or sentimental enough to effect a change. It wouldn't hurt to try though. In the latter case there is absolutely nothing you can do as sociopaths cannot be fixed. They are literally, born that way and are the Achilles tendon of the human race. They say 1 in 25 people are sociopaths. I believe a lot of these people rise to power and are behind most of the evil and corruption on this planet. Not to paint your boss with such a broad paint brush as even sociopaths exist on a scale -- assuming he even is one.

Anyways it really is stressful to have to walk on eggshells, at work, when it's a place you have to be for such a large chunk of your life. If it continues is their any possibility or opportunity for you to work for another company? I know changing jobs is complicated and involves many variables that make it a difficult decision.

Thanks for input here on SR D122y. I am new here and learning a lot. I know everything will work out for you.

novips

The Big Book says:

Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper.

What follows are the instructions for the 4th Step inventory. The 10th Step instructs us to perform a spot check inventory when we are confronted with particular incidents of resentment after having completed our 4th Step. Either way, there is freedom, relief, and sobriety in running resentments through a full 4-column inventory. (It is perhaps worth noting that a much-recounted relapse story in the Big Book begins on p. 36 with a resentment against a boss.)

The Big Book then goes on to say:

[W]ith the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.

And finally:

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.” We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn’t treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.

Later, in the story section on p. 552 [4th ed.], there is a widely cited instruction for how to pray for the perceived source of our disturbance in order to get free of our resentment.

Hope that helps.

PS -- I have a 4th Step template that fleshes out the Big Book instructions by providing fill-in-the-blank sentences for the broad elements like "self-esteem" and "self-seeking". Feel free to PM me if you're interested in taking a look at that.

Surrendered19

You are the best D122y. I soak up your observations about the damage to our brains and bodies that alcohol inflicts on us, and as importantly, the time it takes to heal. Years and years. That realization has been so important to me as I get deep into Y2 of my recovery.

On your situation, I think you are making the best of a bad situation. There is no fix for it. Your boss is likely a person with much unhappiness in his life and it comes out in aggressive ways. I'll bet holidays are no fun at his house. Forgive him. My boss is much like him. Over time I've learned that she is a tormented person and it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I reckon you have to decide what your options are because your boss is not going to change a bit.