I'm back old friends
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 524
I'm back old friends
Some may remember me, so many not.
I went back out there last year, I think lockdown played a big part. The first lockdown I was ok, and didn't drink. As the year wore on though and figured I didn't need to leave the house, I could just stay in and drink so it was a win win. I could work from home so if I was hungover, no anxiety really and no big deal, and if the anxiety was bad, I could easily drink and nobody would know. Anyway, as ever it's progressively got worse again and with a return to the office looking, I need to get this back on track.
My binges have got longer and the last one was ridiculous. I drink on Friday and I am guaranteed to spend three to five days drinking almost morning to night time. The number of weekly empty wine and gin bottles are just disgusting to look at. I'm getting fat again.
I drank for five days last week and yesterday morning I woke up at 4.30am in despair. I wanted to call an ambulance I felt so unwell in my mind, just felt in terror. One half of my mind was thinking about a drink, but I knew the only way out was through it...and as the day wore on I felt better. I truly have a battle on my hands and my life on alcohol is completely dysfunctional. There is absolutely no doubt I am incompatible with drinking. One drink and I am off on another binge 90% of the time.
Just ending day two now and still feeling a bit under the weather. I truly am done now. I need some better tools to cope though when the inevitable happens in weeks and months when I decide this was all a distant memory and it's ok to drink again.
I went back out there last year, I think lockdown played a big part. The first lockdown I was ok, and didn't drink. As the year wore on though and figured I didn't need to leave the house, I could just stay in and drink so it was a win win. I could work from home so if I was hungover, no anxiety really and no big deal, and if the anxiety was bad, I could easily drink and nobody would know. Anyway, as ever it's progressively got worse again and with a return to the office looking, I need to get this back on track.
My binges have got longer and the last one was ridiculous. I drink on Friday and I am guaranteed to spend three to five days drinking almost morning to night time. The number of weekly empty wine and gin bottles are just disgusting to look at. I'm getting fat again.
I drank for five days last week and yesterday morning I woke up at 4.30am in despair. I wanted to call an ambulance I felt so unwell in my mind, just felt in terror. One half of my mind was thinking about a drink, but I knew the only way out was through it...and as the day wore on I felt better. I truly have a battle on my hands and my life on alcohol is completely dysfunctional. There is absolutely no doubt I am incompatible with drinking. One drink and I am off on another binge 90% of the time.
Just ending day two now and still feeling a bit under the weather. I truly am done now. I need some better tools to cope though when the inevitable happens in weeks and months when I decide this was all a distant memory and it's ok to drink again.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I remember you, Primativo. I'm sorry you've been struggling and are feeling so down. Good job on Day 2, a very good start. Yes, it does sound like you need some more/new tools to help you stay sober and recover? What kinds of things had you been doing in the past to help you? Coming here to SR daily is always a good start, exercising, avoiding people and places were alcohol is available, meditating, reading positive things that help your soul - these are some things that might help you. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 524
Originally Posted by Anna 
I remember you, Primativo. I'm sorry you've been struggling and are feeling so down. Good job on Day 2, a very good start. Yes, it does sound like you need some more/new tools to help you stay sober and recover? What kinds of things had you been doing in the past to help you? Coming here to SR daily is always a good start, exercising, avoiding people and places were alcohol is available, meditating, reading positive things that help your soul - these are some things that might help you.
Another thing I need to do is visit here daily, this place is invaluable with remembering the awfulness of active drinking, and with just being with like minded people. I stopped visiting here of course, which was another thing.
I know when I need to do, I actually really loved my sober life, drinking lots of tea, being healthy and not blacking out. Why did I change back? I do think the social side of not drinking is something I struggle with, I'm a very social person and let's be honest, so much in society revolves around it. I can't become a recluse though, so will just need to tackle it head on, accept drinking is completely off the table.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Welcome back Primativo. As you say, regular daily reading and posting on here really helps, as does a gratitude practice.
You can do this if you want it, before it gets any worse.
You can do this if you want it, before it gets any worse.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Welcome back.
You are taking positive action and that is really something to be proud of.
Necessity is the mother of invention, ya? The great outdoors can be your gym for now.... if you want?!
You have been sober before and so you know what to do. Get a plan and see that plan through.
Looking forward to seeing you around!
You are taking positive action and that is really something to be proud of.
Necessity is the mother of invention, ya? The great outdoors can be your gym for now.... if you want?!
You have been sober before and so you know what to do. Get a plan and see that plan through.
Looking forward to seeing you around!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Glad you made it back. This place saved my life.
You reminded me that drinking again would kill me. It would destroy my life.
My boss is in my face at least 3 times a month. He is a smart man and his casual encounters are his radar to see how I am doing.
He knows I was a heavy drinker, a drunk. He is rooting for me, but I think he expects me to relapse at some point because so many of us drunks do.
In my entire life I only know of 1 other person personally that quit drinking. He was a fat drunk like me and he sort of went crazy after he quit. Not really crazy but just kind of weird like he was terrified of a relapse.
For some reason, I am not like that. Don't get me wrong, I am terrified of booze, but I tend to look at it like a drug, say pot. I know it alters the mind etc etc. The effects don't go away for years. Too many drinkers don't understand that.
Most drinkers don't realize that their personality is greatly altered by booze. The real them is buried under the addiction.
Hope this helps you in some way to never take another drink again.
Thanks.
You reminded me that drinking again would kill me. It would destroy my life.
My boss is in my face at least 3 times a month. He is a smart man and his casual encounters are his radar to see how I am doing.
He knows I was a heavy drinker, a drunk. He is rooting for me, but I think he expects me to relapse at some point because so many of us drunks do.
In my entire life I only know of 1 other person personally that quit drinking. He was a fat drunk like me and he sort of went crazy after he quit. Not really crazy but just kind of weird like he was terrified of a relapse.
For some reason, I am not like that. Don't get me wrong, I am terrified of booze, but I tend to look at it like a drug, say pot. I know it alters the mind etc etc. The effects don't go away for years. Too many drinkers don't understand that.
Most drinkers don't realize that their personality is greatly altered by booze. The real them is buried under the addiction.
Hope this helps you in some way to never take another drink again.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Welcome back Primativo! The gym here has been closed, it recently opened up again, I’ve been trying to walk outdoors and that has helped with my mental health, and I’m sure my physical health as well, but I definitely need to get back into a routine again.
What other supports did you have in place in the past? Is there anything you can add?
What other supports did you have in place in the past? Is there anything you can add?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
Welcome back, Primativo! I can definitely relate to those feeling of despair and terror that you described. The first key is to stay close to SR, and pay attention if you start to feel like posting less. We're 100% here for you. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 527
The Big Book says: "Though we work out our solution on the spiritual as well as an altruistic plane, we favor hospitalization for the alcoholic who is very jittery or befogged." Keep an open mind about the possibility that you may need to check yourself into a rehab. As the Big Book also says, you can recover if you are "willing to go to any length to get it" -- including being willing to go to rehab.
Beyond that, I'll share with you the instructions that began my journey to 18+ years clean & sober after repeated rounds of relapsing:
1. Get on your knees every morning and every night -- asking God to keep you sober in the morning and thanking Him for keeping you sober at night. Feel free to replace "God" and "Him" with whatever works to get you on your knees to ask for help (e.g., "Great Spirit", "Higher Mind", etc.). Also, note that you don't need to believe anything in particular to perform this action. An atheist can follow this instruction without spontaneously combusting. The power of getting on one's knees to ask for help is referenced in the Big Book (4th ed.) on pages 56, 215, 251, 335, 377, and 516.
2. Attend at least one A.A. meeting every day for at least 90 days.
3. Get an A.A. home group and an A.A. service commitment.
4. Read the first 164 pages of the Big Book, highlighting whatever jumps out at you (you felt like that, thought that, or did that).
5. Get an A.A. sponsor who has been through the Steps of A.A. as laid out in the Big Book. Call that sponsor every day.
The key point here is that, as written in the Big Book:
Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power? Well, that’s exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.
Beyond that, I'll share with you the instructions that began my journey to 18+ years clean & sober after repeated rounds of relapsing:
1. Get on your knees every morning and every night -- asking God to keep you sober in the morning and thanking Him for keeping you sober at night. Feel free to replace "God" and "Him" with whatever works to get you on your knees to ask for help (e.g., "Great Spirit", "Higher Mind", etc.). Also, note that you don't need to believe anything in particular to perform this action. An atheist can follow this instruction without spontaneously combusting. The power of getting on one's knees to ask for help is referenced in the Big Book (4th ed.) on pages 56, 215, 251, 335, 377, and 516.
2. Attend at least one A.A. meeting every day for at least 90 days.
3. Get an A.A. home group and an A.A. service commitment.
4. Read the first 164 pages of the Big Book, highlighting whatever jumps out at you (you felt like that, thought that, or did that).
5. Get an A.A. sponsor who has been through the Steps of A.A. as laid out in the Big Book. Call that sponsor every day.
The key point here is that, as written in the Big Book:
Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power? Well, that’s exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 524
Originally Posted by Delilah1
Welcome back Primativo! The gym here has been closed, it recently opened up again, I’ve been trying to walk outdoors and that has helped with my mental health, and I’m sure my physical health as well, but I definitely need to get back into a routine again.
What other supports did you have in place in the past? Is there anything you can add?
What other supports did you have in place in the past? Is there anything you can add?
I am going to be reading and listening to self help recovery books, also finding some online AA meetings. And re-reading the AA book. Will also reach out to my old AA sponsor who I haven't spoken to for nearly a year. Also lots of walks, just need this British Summer to start, it's May and still so cold. You have it good in Cali
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 524
Originally Posted by D122y
Glad you made it back. This place saved my life.
You reminded me that drinking again would kill me. It would destroy my life.
My boss is in my face at least 3 times a month. He is a smart man and his casual encounters are his radar to see how I am doing.
He knows I was a heavy drinker, a drunk. He is rooting for me, but I think he expects me to relapse at some point because so many of us drunks do.
In my entire life I only know of 1 other person personally that quit drinking. He was a fat drunk like me and he sort of went crazy after he quit. Not really crazy but just kind of weird like he was terrified of a relapse.
For some reason, I am not like that. Don't get me wrong, I am terrified of booze, but I tend to look at it like a drug, say pot. I know it alters the mind etc etc. The effects don't go away for years. Too many drinkers don't understand that.
Most drinkers don't realize that their personality is greatly altered by booze. The real them is buried under the addiction.
Hope this helps you in some way to never take another drink again.
Thanks.
You reminded me that drinking again would kill me. It would destroy my life.
My boss is in my face at least 3 times a month. He is a smart man and his casual encounters are his radar to see how I am doing.
He knows I was a heavy drinker, a drunk. He is rooting for me, but I think he expects me to relapse at some point because so many of us drunks do.
In my entire life I only know of 1 other person personally that quit drinking. He was a fat drunk like me and he sort of went crazy after he quit. Not really crazy but just kind of weird like he was terrified of a relapse.
For some reason, I am not like that. Don't get me wrong, I am terrified of booze, but I tend to look at it like a drug, say pot. I know it alters the mind etc etc. The effects don't go away for years. Too many drinkers don't understand that.
Most drinkers don't realize that their personality is greatly altered by booze. The real them is buried under the addiction.
Hope this helps you in some way to never take another drink again.
Thanks.
Thanks. Always enjoyed reading your posts, glad to see you post in here. Also glad I have helped you too in some way by reminding you of the horrors of drinking. My personality is really altered. I've done some very out of character things recently, that only happened because I was drinking. I'm done.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 300
Originally Posted by Primativo
Some may remember me, so many not.
I went back out there last year, I think lockdown played a big part. The first lockdown I was ok, and didn't drink. As the year wore on though and figured I didn't need to leave the house, I could just stay in and drink so it was a win win. I could work from home so if I was hungover, no anxiety really and no big deal, and if the anxiety was bad, I could easily drink and nobody would know. Anyway, as ever it's progressively got worse again and with a return to the office looking, I need to get this back on track.
My binges have got longer and the last one was ridiculous. I drink on Friday and I am guaranteed to spend three to five days drinking almost morning to night time. The number of weekly empty wine and gin bottles are just disgusting to look at. I'm getting fat again.
I drank for five days last week and yesterday morning I woke up at 4.30am in despair. I wanted to call an ambulance I felt so unwell in my mind, just felt in terror. One half of my mind was thinking about a drink, but I knew the only way out was through it...and as the day wore on I felt better. I truly have a battle on my hands and my life on alcohol is completely dysfunctional. There is absolutely no doubt I am incompatible with drinking. One drink and I am off on another binge 90% of the time.
Just ending day two now and still feeling a bit under the weather. I truly am done now. I need some better tools to cope though when the inevitable happens in weeks and months when I decide this was all a distant memory and it's ok to drink again.
I went back out there last year, I think lockdown played a big part. The first lockdown I was ok, and didn't drink. As the year wore on though and figured I didn't need to leave the house, I could just stay in and drink so it was a win win. I could work from home so if I was hungover, no anxiety really and no big deal, and if the anxiety was bad, I could easily drink and nobody would know. Anyway, as ever it's progressively got worse again and with a return to the office looking, I need to get this back on track.
My binges have got longer and the last one was ridiculous. I drink on Friday and I am guaranteed to spend three to five days drinking almost morning to night time. The number of weekly empty wine and gin bottles are just disgusting to look at. I'm getting fat again.
I drank for five days last week and yesterday morning I woke up at 4.30am in despair. I wanted to call an ambulance I felt so unwell in my mind, just felt in terror. One half of my mind was thinking about a drink, but I knew the only way out was through it...and as the day wore on I felt better. I truly have a battle on my hands and my life on alcohol is completely dysfunctional. There is absolutely no doubt I am incompatible with drinking. One drink and I am off on another binge 90% of the time.
Just ending day two now and still feeling a bit under the weather. I truly am done now. I need some better tools to cope though when the inevitable happens in weeks and months when I decide this was all a distant memory and it's ok to drink again.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
Hi Primativo
I remember you too!
Come join us in the May class, we’d love to have you.
I went over a year sober, went back too. I was worse this time ever, sneaking drinks, putting on weight. Lost my self respect, gained self loathing. I was actually Free when giving myself daily mindful self compassion.
No one is going to save us. We must save ourselves. So awesome to see you here
😍
I remember you too!
Come join us in the May class, we’d love to have you.
I went over a year sober, went back too. I was worse this time ever, sneaking drinks, putting on weight. Lost my self respect, gained self loathing. I was actually Free when giving myself daily mindful self compassion.
No one is going to save us. We must save ourselves. So awesome to see you here
😍
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