Icandothis2013

So, my friend who is in recovery had been kindly trying to help/listen to my son which I appreciated as although I can’t/don’t want to have any contact with him, I still need to know he is OK. It was all going very well apparently until he told her he hadn’t got any money ... which means he’s blown his student grant and extra money from me which he got on March 31st and totalled £5000. How can you spend £5000 in one month when your rent and bills are paid ? So my friend (who before knowing this had offered to give him £100) asked him where they money had gone and he became very defensive and rude and told her never to contact him again ... so there we are. Now I am waiting for the usual ‘ give me money or I will send photos of you drunk to your friends and post them on the internet etc ‘ and if that happens, this time I really will go to the police as it breaches the court order (non molestation) I have against him. This whole situation uses up so much of my head space, I’m sick of it ! Wish I could press control, alt, delete and reboot my brain. I won’t drink though. Apart from anything else I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. My friend won’t either as she is quite secure in her recovery. Hey ho ! Onwards !

Aellyce

Is it possible he is using drugs? You can easily spend $5000 (even much more) on that and associated lifestyle. His behavior, and the people he hangs out with (that you mentioned on another thread) would not be inconsistent with that, and might also explain where he gets the idea to blackmail you with your addiction.

Yes, I would save the evidence and report to the police too, if he does not stop harassing you and your friends. You might unintentionally do some good to him even as there may not be much else to break his issues, sounds like he's pretty deep in something dark.

Steely

Hey, ho! Onwards! Ican,

Don't give him money, follow through if he persists in blackmail, and put a smile on your dial, you are doing great. We are putting those boundaries firmly in place, and beginning to care for ourselves. Don't know about you, but it's been a long time for me. Drinking had me hate myself I'm not drinking now, and am going for gold.

This does not mean we do not care, in fact, I'm reading it as of benefit to our kids. And it is. Little buggers.

Hold the line Ican.

decchemist

Got to say that my first reaction to all the money used in one month was the same as Aellyce suggests.

Icandothis2013

Little buggers indeed Steely ! And yes I think it’s drugs Dechemist. What else can it be ? :-(

Dee74

I know the temptation to know how he is doing is strong for a mom, but honestly I think you(and your friend) would be way way better off no contact.

The most important thing tho is to keep your recovery active and strong.
Hold him in your heart sure but don't let him rent any space in your head

It would be a tragedy for you to drink over your son again - it's not worth it.

D

Icandothis2013

You’re right Dee. We’ve both written him off for now. I have no intention of drinking though ... but ever vigilant as SR folks advise ! Thanks for your support Dee as always !

Dee74

D

Anna

I'm glad you made that decision Icandothis. You 'want' to know he's alright, of course, as a Mom. But, you don't 'need' to know how he is. The most important thing is for you to find peace and take care of yourself.

Surrendered19

It is shocking that you would subject one of your friends to communicating with your son to gather information like that. It was VERY predictable that he would become abusive. Your friend will be the next one to be forced to seek court intervention. Why would you put your friend in that position? I hope you apologized.

Icandothis2013

I didn’t want her to. She insisted !

Mizz

Have you looked into information on codependency?

Icandothis2013

No, what is that ?

Mizz

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

I do not have much information on this subject matter and I don't know if it applies to your situation?

It does seem like even though you have been "no contact" with your son you found a way to still have contact. You have said your friend insisted to talk with him but you're still receiving information willingly about your son and his antics. No contact actually means no contact. Nothing.

It is really hard to break these kinds of behaviors that have taken place for a very long time. Your role in this situation has to change otherwise you will be dealing with this over and over again. What has transpired between you and your son is heartbreaking but if you seek proper help and apply the rules, change the dynamic and take ownership of the situation you can get your life back. Are you still seeing a therapist and are you applying the tools that this therapist is giving you?

I'm not sure what else anyone can say about this dynamic that has not already been said? Some part of you feels the need to carry on in this. This is really about you and what you are going to allow to take place in your life. Its not about your son or your friend. The change starts with you.

Dee74

Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More is a good read. It's pretty old so it should be cheap second hand or in the local library maybe.

I did not think I was co-dependent - that book opened my eyes

D

ishallnotwant

ICDT-I am a recovering codependent (and now, recovering alcoholic). In my codependency, I was trying to “save” the other person and was always distraught and hopeless that I could not be “the hero”. Through a program of recovery, I discovered that what I was really trying to do was to feed my selfishness by continuing a futile behavior in order to draw attention to myself—either positive attention by being the wise saving one, or negative attention by playing the martyr. For me, once I began learning how I was contributing to my own misery, I was able to begin learning how to save myself