SnoozyQ

Hi everyone

Mothers Day is coming up and it's my trigger. I stress over my kids not coming to visit before the day even gets here. Then when it does get here and they don't visit, I get really upset .

what can I do to stop myself being this way? I've tried going out so I'm not waiting at home all day in case one of them turns up. Then as usual , I feel sorry for myself and go to bed crying.

instead of feeling happy getting a text from them saying " happy mothers day" hope you have a good day, I start getting angry and upset , because there is no " see you after lunch etc " so I know they're not coming.

the 2 girls are only 3 mins away from me so it's not like they are out of state etc.

Oh here I go again, I'm getting all knotted up just thinking about it.

I just want some peace and really need some advice please, it's really doing my head in and it's still 8 days away.


Xxxx

Does anyone else have a " trigger day "

Dee74

Hi Snooz

its a tough situation so I'm not sure you can stop yourself from feeling upset about it, so long as you don;t get too upset over it.
You know there's a lot to unpack in those relationships and its not going to be easy - and it's going to require some action from other parties.

It sucks and its unfair - but it's not your fault.

What I would do is plan an awesome day for myself - a road trip to somewhere, lunch or dinner somewhere - anything that would take your mind off the day/

You can of course stop yourself from drinking over it - I have no fears about that for you - you know you have support here for that 24/7

D

Libby06

I have found that when I drop any and all expectations from other people they can not disappoint me. Our own kids are hard, I know.

When the thought of Mother's day pops into your head, can you find some other activity to distract you? Can you call a friend ( and not talk about it), or go for a walk, help a newcomer here? Just get through it any way that you can.

You don't have to drink over this. It's just one day. I find the anticipation of things is usually worse than the actual event.

I no longer have "trigger days"..I don't drink, no matter what, but I used to. The only way I got here is by getting through the hard times without giving in. Next year will be easier. There is nothing that a drink will not make worse!

You can do it SnoozyQ! I will wish you a happy Mother's Day here on SR . I'm sorry your kids are snots. They will regret it one day. I sure wish my mama was still around...

ScottFromWI

I agree with Dee, maybe you can just make a plan for something fun for yourself - a short trip, a special meal, etc.

On another note, and perhaps you've shared about this before so my apologies if you have, but have you ever just called your daughters up and asked them why they don't visit? I'm just wondering if maybe they don't even know you feel this way? If they do and still ignore your requests I am truly sorry they treat you that way.

least

Sending you loads of hugs.

RecklessDrunk

Serenity prayer.

I think a lot of us have a knack for getting upset about things that we have absolutely no control over.

So its a Sunday and you will be sober. That day is a blank sheet of paper right now. Live life on life's terms. Make the most of it. Find something you want to do. If the kids come then maybe it will be a good day with them. If not, then it doesn't have to be different then any other Sunday. Control what you can control. Make the most of what life gives you at the given time, sunny day try and get outside, rainy day watch Netflix or something. (Unless your a runner then rainy day is still a good day to be outside). If you're in the northern hemisphere May is generally a very pleasant month, try and enjoy it.

Delilah1

Hi Snoozy,

I am glad you are planning ahead. I agree that you should plan something fun for yourself, but try to avoid restaurants, or places you think you will see Mother’s Day brunches or gatherings, it will only add to your triggers.

What are some of your favorite things? Can you plan a little pampering for yourself with a spa day or pedicure, meet a friend or head out on solo hike/walk to do some exploring, take a book to the park/beach/lake and relax with a great story. Do something to get yourself out of the house for a bit so you don’t dwell, and remember we are all here to support you, just log in!

Kaily

Instead of waiting and hoping, could you take control and invite them? Maybe just for tea and cake. Express to them that you would love to see them - they probably have no idea how you feel.

I realise this might set you up for rejection but that is (in my opinion) better than anxiously sitting and waiting that they might pop round. At least you will know one way or the other.

And remember, it's just another day that will pass.

Mizz

Have you spoken to your children about how this day is important to you?

Letting people know of our expectations may result in the desired outcome.

Dropsie

Kids eh. I do not have anything to add except I feel you. I think inviting them over is a good idea, unless you know its not. Moms know. XX

Calmerwaters

Darling Snooz. Sometimes I think we forget that we are trying to control outcomes. That our kids “must”, or “should” act a certain way. (Ideally like out of a Hallmark movie and arrive with flowers and baked goods and a stream of rainbows and Angels following them!)

Thats unrealistic. And sure, even a small phone call or gesture takes little effort. At the end of the day, just like we chose to drink - and keep drinking. They can choose their own life and actions. It hurts. It feels personal - as I’m sure our drinking did to them.

We know better now, so we do better. They are on their own path. All we ever want for them is happiness. Mothers Day is not just one day. You can always journal. One day they will read them and know you cared. Don’t guilt trip them, just record your love, send them goodness and enjoy the gift of the life you have. Tomorrow is never promised.

BeABetterMan

Make plans to do something that day without your children. If they are a constant source of disappointment, change your mindset. “Self, I choose to be happy on this day. My children are grown and healthy and going through a selfish phase where they don’t want to come visit me.” “Maybe them not visiting isn’t all about me and is about them and something going on with them.” “So
for today, I choose to be happy (alone or with a friend) and I will do things to make me happy.” “Maybe someday Mother’s Day will look like what it does in my mind, and maybe it won’t.” “But I won’t be held hostage and link my happiness to the actions of others.” “I will do for myself.”

My oldest daughter did not come to my house on my birthday this year. So I spent it with my other kids. Would I have preferred her to be part of it? Yes. Did it ruin my day or trigger a relapse? No.

Learning to adopt an attitude of acceptance in all times (good, bad, happy, sad.) is a major goal of mine. And when I live in gratitude and limit my expectations and ask god to let me
be happy with whatever comes in life, I do a lot better. Best of luck!!

Aellyce

I don't have kids but would vote with those who suggested invite them directly if you would like them to be around, but I would do it in a friendly manner, focusing on this event and not on that they didn't come in previous years. And if they do visit as a result, express to them how happy you are to see them and that it's brightened your day. If they don't respond positively, like what others said: plan something nice for yourself, possibly try to put away the phone until late at night or the next morning, so messages won't remind you and when you see them, the day is over.

SnoozyQ

This is amazing. I have gained so much from laying here quietly and reading your replies.
Each and every single post I have gained strength from.
It just seems logical to me now.
I can't thank you enough, I have changed my WHOLE thought process on this.
I have been anticipating them NOT coming and getting angry about it b4 it's even happened.
I'm going to take some good advice here and directly just ask them if they would like to go out for sweets with me for Mothers Day.

That way, I'm going to know beforehand.
How do I need to be told something so simple that it was staring me in the face.
That's The beauty of SR and why I love you people here so much.

Thank you to ALL of you xx



x x

Hevyn

Hi Snooz. I'm just now seeing this thread. I love all the responses, & your decision to be proactive.

Anna

That's an excellent plan, Snoozy. It will enable you to take back control of the day. Either they will accept your invitation or not, but at least you will know where you stand. I think Mother's Day sets us up for unrealistic expectations, but planning ahead should help you. And, we'll be here for you next Sunday.

silentrun

That has worked for me. Much of my distress comes from mismatched expectations. This is how this person is so to expect them to suddenly act out if character is unreasonable. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. How people should act seldom matches how they do, myself included.

I've never had to that with my daughter so I feel for you OP.

MythOfSisyphus

Hugs to you, @SnoozyQ! Sounds like a good plan to be proactive and to get out ahead of it.