I hate the old me
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I hate the old me
I can’t really bear to look at a photo of myself from my drinking days. I was huge! People don’t believe me now when I say I was a big fat guy.
But what an a**hole I was - unpleasant, moody and my life (and everyone else’s) revolved around the evening drinks. A friend of my wife has a husband with alcohol cirrhosis. He’s on the liver transplant list. His wife told him to stop drinking for 21 years, and now she’s his carer. That was what my wife had to look forward to if I’d carried on drinking. Shakes me to think about it.
I’m so lucky to have been able to quit (28 months ago). Life’s changed massively. My wife said the other day I was way more confident now. Ten years of our marriage was mostly wasted as I was out of it after 8pm every night. I can’t do much about that now, but I reckon my wife would be just about the most upset person on the planet if I drank again.
The thing is, the only person who made me quit was me. I went to the GP, counsellor and took Campral, but in the end I just decided to quit one day, and that was it. I didn’t really plan it or say I’d quit by such and such a date. It just happened. The only difference that time was I decided on no little “rewards” after a few days. The rewards of not doing so have been far greater.
Take it easy, folks. Don’t hate yourselves. There’s a nice person in all of us
But what an a**hole I was - unpleasant, moody and my life (and everyone else’s) revolved around the evening drinks. A friend of my wife has a husband with alcohol cirrhosis. He’s on the liver transplant list. His wife told him to stop drinking for 21 years, and now she’s his carer. That was what my wife had to look forward to if I’d carried on drinking. Shakes me to think about it.
I’m so lucky to have been able to quit (28 months ago). Life’s changed massively. My wife said the other day I was way more confident now. Ten years of our marriage was mostly wasted as I was out of it after 8pm every night. I can’t do much about that now, but I reckon my wife would be just about the most upset person on the planet if I drank again.
The thing is, the only person who made me quit was me. I went to the GP, counsellor and took Campral, but in the end I just decided to quit one day, and that was it. I didn’t really plan it or say I’d quit by such and such a date. It just happened. The only difference that time was I decided on no little “rewards” after a few days. The rewards of not doing so have been far greater.
Take it easy, folks. Don’t hate yourselves. There’s a nice person in all of us
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Yes, there is a good person in all of us and I'm glad you found that person, Hodd. I agree that ultimately each of us has to make the decision to stop drinking. Programs and tools will help us stay sober, but we are the one who makes it happen.
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Hodd - I'm so glad you saved yourself from a terrible fate. I wish my husband (now deceased) had seen the light before he lost everything.
It's sad how we think we're making life easier & less stressful by drinking. We're really making everything so much harder on ourselves & everyone around us.
Congratulations on your 28 months free of it.
It's sad how we think we're making life easier & less stressful by drinking. We're really making everything so much harder on ourselves & everyone around us.
Congratulations on your 28 months free of it.
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Thanks Hevyn, and I’m so sorry. Drinkers are insanely stubborn. My wife’s pretty shaken up by her friend’s husband. I wonder if I’d still been drinking now, how I’d feel. Because liver disease has no symptoms until it’s at an irreversible stage, a lot of drinkers think it won’t happen to them.
I’d also struggle hugely with a donor’s liver inside me after I’d destroyed mine with alcohol. A guy I know on a liver forum had a transplant due to his own liver being diseased (not from alcohol), and all he knows about the donor was the age (29). Not a day goes by when he doesn’t think of that donor and the life they’re not living now. And this guy is a loving family guy who just got ill. He has nothing to feel guilty about. I’m so thankful that I haven’t drunk myself into going through that emotional hell.
Phew! 🙂
I’d also struggle hugely with a donor’s liver inside me after I’d destroyed mine with alcohol. A guy I know on a liver forum had a transplant due to his own liver being diseased (not from alcohol), and all he knows about the donor was the age (29). Not a day goes by when he doesn’t think of that donor and the life they’re not living now. And this guy is a loving family guy who just got ill. He has nothing to feel guilty about. I’m so thankful that I haven’t drunk myself into going through that emotional hell.
Phew! 🙂
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I’m glad you don’t hate the new you Hodd
I think the old me was crippled by fear and corrupted by being out of his mind wasted 99% of the time. It’s hard for me to hate anyone in that much pain.
But...we got better
D
I think the old me was crippled by fear and corrupted by being out of his mind wasted 99% of the time. It’s hard for me to hate anyone in that much pain.
But...we got better
D
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We all have that fear, Shakeel. Without sounding gloomy, it’s something we have to be wary of.
Our brains have something called GABA receptors which react to stimulants, but these become less effective in long-term drinkers, and that is sadly irreversible, i.e. forever. That’s the science (not that I’m an expert) behind the one drink is too much concept. If I had “just the one” tonight, I’d probably feel OK and go to bed feeling normal. The next day, I’d have a bit of a craving and think that I was OK to have one drink yesterday, so why not today? The next day, I’d have a couple. Within two or three weeks, I’d be on a bottle of wine a night, guaranteed.
I’ve not beaten alcoholism at all. It beat me, and I ran away. If I stay away, things will be fine. I still go out to bars with drinking mates, but they know I don’t drink anymore so I’m not scared to be near alcohol.
Three weeks is great. Keep at it.
Our brains have something called GABA receptors which react to stimulants, but these become less effective in long-term drinkers, and that is sadly irreversible, i.e. forever. That’s the science (not that I’m an expert) behind the one drink is too much concept. If I had “just the one” tonight, I’d probably feel OK and go to bed feeling normal. The next day, I’d have a bit of a craving and think that I was OK to have one drink yesterday, so why not today? The next day, I’d have a couple. Within two or three weeks, I’d be on a bottle of wine a night, guaranteed.
I’ve not beaten alcoholism at all. It beat me, and I ran away. If I stay away, things will be fine. I still go out to bars with drinking mates, but they know I don’t drink anymore so I’m not scared to be near alcohol.
Three weeks is great. Keep at it.
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Originally Posted by Hodd;[url=tel:7629935
7629935[/url]]I can’t really bear to look at a photo of myself from my drinking days. I was huge! People don’t believe me now when I say I was a big fat guy.
But what an a**hole I was - unpleasant, moody and my life (and everyone else’s) revolved around the evening drinks. A friend of my wife has a husband with alcohol cirrhosis. He’s on the liver transplant list. His wife told him to stop drinking for 21 years, and now she’s his carer. That was what my wife had to look forward to if I’d carried on drinking. Shakes me to think about it.
I’m so lucky to have been able to quit (28 months ago). Life’s changed massively. My wife said the other day I was way more confident now. Ten years of our marriage was mostly wasted as I was out of it after 8pm every night. I can’t do much about that now, but I reckon my wife would be just about the most upset person on the planet if I drank again.
The thing is, the only person who made me quit was me. I went to the GP, counsellor and took Campral, but in the end I just decided to quit one day, and that was it. I didn’t really plan it or say I’d quit by such and such a date. It just happened. The only difference that time was I decided on no little “rewards” after a few days. The rewards of not doing so have been far greater.
Take it easy, folks. Don’t hate yourselves. There’s a nice person in all of us
But what an a**hole I was - unpleasant, moody and my life (and everyone else’s) revolved around the evening drinks. A friend of my wife has a husband with alcohol cirrhosis. He’s on the liver transplant list. His wife told him to stop drinking for 21 years, and now she’s his carer. That was what my wife had to look forward to if I’d carried on drinking. Shakes me to think about it.
I’m so lucky to have been able to quit (28 months ago). Life’s changed massively. My wife said the other day I was way more confident now. Ten years of our marriage was mostly wasted as I was out of it after 8pm every night. I can’t do much about that now, but I reckon my wife would be just about the most upset person on the planet if I drank again.
The thing is, the only person who made me quit was me. I went to the GP, counsellor and took Campral, but in the end I just decided to quit one day, and that was it. I didn’t really plan it or say I’d quit by such and such a date. It just happened. The only difference that time was I decided on no little “rewards” after a few days. The rewards of not doing so have been far greater.
Take it easy, folks. Don’t hate yourselves. There’s a nice person in all of us
Congrats on 28 months btw!Onward!!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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I had a somewhat similar thread a couple days ago:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...king-back.html (Looking back)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...king-back.html (Looking back)
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,645
My brother is an active alcoholic well on his way to liver cirrhosis.
I won't be taking care of him in ten years.
I hope his wife doesn't either.
He's just selfish and doesn't give a crap about anything but his alcohol.
I won't be taking care of him in ten years.
I hope his wife doesn't either.
He's just selfish and doesn't give a crap about anything but his alcohol.
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My “thanks” button doesn’t work anymore ☹️
I think heavy drinkers would benefit from seeing a cirrhosis patient. The guy i mentioned has to have his belly drained every week or so. His only “hope” now is a liver transplant, and that’s a massive operation and lifelong immunosuppressant drugs, not to mention the mental anguish of someone else’s death meaning you get to live. It was a fear at the back of my mind, but I always intended to stop one day.
After I’d stopped drinking for 8 months, out of curiosity I had a private liver fibroscan. This measures the stiffness of the liver which would indicate scarring. I was “normal” but on the absolute maximum of normal. The results are an average of twelve or so readings (at various points, the liver is big), and some of my readings were actually above normal. I think I was well on my way to getting cirrhosis. The test was the equivalent of £150 which is maybe $200. I’d already quit, but for others it could be a lifesaver.
A funny tale about my scan. I had it done in a country where alcohol isn’t widely available as it’s mostly Muslim. The hospital receptionist wondered why I wanted a fibroscan as it’s only for people with hepatitis or alcoholics. I had to say quite loudly in a room of people watching “yes, I’m an alcoholic!”
I think heavy drinkers would benefit from seeing a cirrhosis patient. The guy i mentioned has to have his belly drained every week or so. His only “hope” now is a liver transplant, and that’s a massive operation and lifelong immunosuppressant drugs, not to mention the mental anguish of someone else’s death meaning you get to live. It was a fear at the back of my mind, but I always intended to stop one day.
After I’d stopped drinking for 8 months, out of curiosity I had a private liver fibroscan. This measures the stiffness of the liver which would indicate scarring. I was “normal” but on the absolute maximum of normal. The results are an average of twelve or so readings (at various points, the liver is big), and some of my readings were actually above normal. I think I was well on my way to getting cirrhosis. The test was the equivalent of £150 which is maybe $200. I’d already quit, but for others it could be a lifesaver.
A funny tale about my scan. I had it done in a country where alcohol isn’t widely available as it’s mostly Muslim. The hospital receptionist wondered why I wanted a fibroscan as it’s only for people with hepatitis or alcoholics. I had to say quite loudly in a room of people watching “yes, I’m an alcoholic!”
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Originally Posted by Dee74 
I’m glad you don’t hate the new you Hodd
I think the old me was crippled by fear and corrupted by being out of his mind wasted 99% of the time. It’s hard for me to hate anyone in that much pain.
But...we got better
D
I think the old me was crippled by fear and corrupted by being out of his mind wasted 99% of the time. It’s hard for me to hate anyone in that much pain.
But...we got better
D
Dee, you’re a great example too. There was always a nice Dee hiding inside the drunk Dee, and luckily for you and us, he appeared 👍
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Join Date: May 2021
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I hate the old me too. “Self loathing” I guess you’d call it. And unfortunately the old me takes up pretty much all of my life as I was bipolar in addition to the alcohol starting when I was in my teens. Bipolar never quits and makes the ideal partner for alcoholism to create the perfect storm. I have only regrets, remorse and terrible grief when I look at my life. But I’ve learned here on this site to make it a ‘glance’ at the past instead of dwelling on it.
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@Hodd
Thank you for sharing your story and the tragic story of your friend. These stories are why I come here because they remind me what I have to lose if I don't stop for good this time. I'm on day 7 of my latest dry stint but, this time, I want to make it last forever. Previous attempts at sobriety were always open ended. I had always planned on drinking again "responsibly" (3 months being my longest dry spell) but, each time, I returned to it the same old me that always drank too much came back. The health problems have been building up in me to where I can feel some pain in various organs. That pain is already, slowly, subsiding. I sure as hell don't want to drink myself to death. What a miserable and stupid way to die.
One of my closest friends (go figure! But he's a good guy) was diagnosed with cirrhosis. He spent 4 days in the hospital, had to get the fluid drained a few times, and had a rough 6 weeks of aftercare. He didn't drink for 4 months but, then, slowly he started drinking again. I'm worried about him but he won't listen to anyone. He says he's not drinking whiskey anymore, "just beer," and he, wrongly, is feeling okay with that. I read somewhere that something like 50% of people diagnosed with cirrhosis are dead within a couple of years. If I was a betting man I'd put money on which group that 50 percent falls into: the ones who didn't quit drinking.
Thanks again. You are a good man and you have made your wife a very happy woman. Our pasts may haunt us but there isn't much point in dwelling on it. All we have is today, and every day, from this moment forwards. Even if years and years have been wasted, and I have wasted plenty of my own, it is still a wonderful gift to have learned how to change one's life and live fully from then on out.
Thank you for sharing your story and the tragic story of your friend. These stories are why I come here because they remind me what I have to lose if I don't stop for good this time. I'm on day 7 of my latest dry stint but, this time, I want to make it last forever. Previous attempts at sobriety were always open ended. I had always planned on drinking again "responsibly" (3 months being my longest dry spell) but, each time, I returned to it the same old me that always drank too much came back. The health problems have been building up in me to where I can feel some pain in various organs. That pain is already, slowly, subsiding. I sure as hell don't want to drink myself to death. What a miserable and stupid way to die.
One of my closest friends (go figure! But he's a good guy) was diagnosed with cirrhosis. He spent 4 days in the hospital, had to get the fluid drained a few times, and had a rough 6 weeks of aftercare. He didn't drink for 4 months but, then, slowly he started drinking again. I'm worried about him but he won't listen to anyone. He says he's not drinking whiskey anymore, "just beer," and he, wrongly, is feeling okay with that. I read somewhere that something like 50% of people diagnosed with cirrhosis are dead within a couple of years. If I was a betting man I'd put money on which group that 50 percent falls into: the ones who didn't quit drinking.
Thanks again. You are a good man and you have made your wife a very happy woman. Our pasts may haunt us but there isn't much point in dwelling on it. All we have is today, and every day, from this moment forwards. Even if years and years have been wasted, and I have wasted plenty of my own, it is still a wonderful gift to have learned how to change one's life and live fully from then on out.
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Be kind with your 'old' Hodd. As you say, it is the old you who got you here. You have many insights about yourself. You got to see yourself reflected in the ugly mirror we all try to avoid. But you faced it: you saw the reflection and you challenged yourself and did what it took. Asking help is one of the most difficult parts. The act of asking for help, acknowledging an alcohol problem to a GP or your wife or a friend is probably the most difficult thing I ever did. I never got the help myself that I requested, but the help was within the asking.
I think you should show compassion, respect and even admiration for the guy who was there and who got you out of the hole, so you could be who you are today.
I think you should show compassion, respect and even admiration for the guy who was there and who got you out of the hole, so you could be who you are today.
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Originally Posted by TroubleAfoot
@Hodd
Thank you for sharing your story and the tragic story of your friend. These stories are why I come here because they remind me what I have to lose if I don't stop for good this time. I'm on day 7 of my latest dry stint but, this time, I want to make it last forever. Previous attempts at sobriety were always open ended. I had always planned on drinking again "responsibly" (3 months being my longest dry spell) but, each time, I returned to it the same old me that always drank too much came back. The health problems have been building up in me to where I can feel some pain in various organs. That pain is already, slowly, subsiding. I sure as hell don't want to drink myself to death. What a miserable and stupid way to die.
One of my closest friends (go figure! But he's a good guy) was diagnosed with cirrhosis. He spent 4 days in the hospital, had to get the fluid drained a few times, and had a rough 6 weeks of aftercare. He didn't drink for 4 months but, then, slowly he started drinking again. I'm worried about him but he won't listen to anyone. He says he's not drinking whiskey anymore, "just beer," and he, wrongly, is feeling okay with that. I read somewhere that something like 50% of people diagnosed with cirrhosis are dead within a couple of years. If I was a betting man I'd put money on which group that 50 percent falls into: the ones who didn't quit drinking.
Thanks again. You are a good man and you have made your wife a very happy woman. Our pasts may haunt us but there isn't much point in dwelling on it. All we have is today, and every day, from this moment forwards. Even if years and years have been wasted, and I have wasted plenty of my own, it is still a wonderful gift to have learned how to change one's life and live fully from then on out.
Thank you for sharing your story and the tragic story of your friend. These stories are why I come here because they remind me what I have to lose if I don't stop for good this time. I'm on day 7 of my latest dry stint but, this time, I want to make it last forever. Previous attempts at sobriety were always open ended. I had always planned on drinking again "responsibly" (3 months being my longest dry spell) but, each time, I returned to it the same old me that always drank too much came back. The health problems have been building up in me to where I can feel some pain in various organs. That pain is already, slowly, subsiding. I sure as hell don't want to drink myself to death. What a miserable and stupid way to die.
One of my closest friends (go figure! But he's a good guy) was diagnosed with cirrhosis. He spent 4 days in the hospital, had to get the fluid drained a few times, and had a rough 6 weeks of aftercare. He didn't drink for 4 months but, then, slowly he started drinking again. I'm worried about him but he won't listen to anyone. He says he's not drinking whiskey anymore, "just beer," and he, wrongly, is feeling okay with that. I read somewhere that something like 50% of people diagnosed with cirrhosis are dead within a couple of years. If I was a betting man I'd put money on which group that 50 percent falls into: the ones who didn't quit drinking.
Thanks again. You are a good man and you have made your wife a very happy woman. Our pasts may haunt us but there isn't much point in dwelling on it. All we have is today, and every day, from this moment forwards. Even if years and years have been wasted, and I have wasted plenty of my own, it is still a wonderful gift to have learned how to change one's life and live fully from then on out.
You’re getting there, just need that final push. Well done on 7 days. I felt pretty terrified at that stage as the anxiety at wine o’clock was off the scale. One little drink was all I needed, but that’s the killer of any plan. Your body gets it fix for the day, it wants more and you’ve undone seven days of good work. All I can recommend is a new activity to take your mind off the craving. If you watch TV with a drink, don’t watch TV. Keep at it. I’m 28 months in and feel great. Those aches and pains, I had all of those. Now gone.
Keep nagging your friend. He’s now literally drinking himself to death. He needs professional help, but you sound like a good friend to nag him.
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Originally Posted by BackandScared
Be kind with your 'old' Hodd. As you say, it is the old you who got you here. You have many insights about yourself. You got to see yourself reflected in the ugly mirror we all try to avoid. But you faced it: you saw the reflection and you challenged yourself and did what it took. Asking help is one of the most difficult parts. The act of asking for help, acknowledging an alcohol problem to a GP or your wife or a friend is probably the most difficult thing I ever did. I never got the help myself that I requested, but the help was within the asking.
I think you should show compassion, respect and even admiration for the guy who was there and who got you out of the hole, so you could be who you are today.
I think you should show compassion, respect and even admiration for the guy who was there and who got you out of the hole, so you could be who you are today.
And all I pretty much did was stop drinking. Trying to get others to see the light can be frustrating.
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