Ignored birthdays
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
Ignored birthdays
Dears:
I am still hurt, My partner and I seperated due to his alcoholic problem since January, however we have been together on and off for last fiver years. I knew from the begininning his proble, I was Ok with that. Because I am still in love with him. Besides the alcohol, we have ups and downs with so many things, but I accept all those, or ignore them and move one.
But this time, I seem I can't move on, last three years consecutively, he ignored my birthdays ever year on April. Even he knew my birthday, first year he ignored and went with his friend's place for woodwork, then last year we were living together, he did not do any thing and this year while we were seperated he did not call me or anything, later he said he just forgot.
I feel so bad since then I never contacted him, he as well did not call me.
What does it mean somone special forgets your birthday or ignores it?
I still feel so unvalued by him.... mean time, I still miss him. Could you pleare spare your thoughts and concerns.
Thanks.
Enki
I am still hurt, My partner and I seperated due to his alcoholic problem since January, however we have been together on and off for last fiver years. I knew from the begininning his proble, I was Ok with that. Because I am still in love with him. Besides the alcohol, we have ups and downs with so many things, but I accept all those, or ignore them and move one.
But this time, I seem I can't move on, last three years consecutively, he ignored my birthdays ever year on April. Even he knew my birthday, first year he ignored and went with his friend's place for woodwork, then last year we were living together, he did not do any thing and this year while we were seperated he did not call me or anything, later he said he just forgot.
I feel so bad since then I never contacted him, he as well did not call me.
What does it mean somone special forgets your birthday or ignores it?
I still feel so unvalued by him.... mean time, I still miss him. Could you pleare spare your thoughts and concerns.
Thanks.
Enki
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Hi Enki. Welcome to SR.
I wouldn't be surprised if he ignored your last few birthdays when you lived together and I definitely wouldn't be surprised he ignored your latest birthday after you separated. By your description he is an alcoholic and when we are drinking, we mess up all manner of things. We forget things, we ruin the occasions that we do remember, and we spread misery and dysfunction far and wide.
I think you should forget about his inattention to your birthdays and for now, be glad you are away from him. I also would not get back in touch with him at all, and certainly would not live with him again, until he achieves some long-term sobriety.
When he is drinking, you will always be unvalued by him. It is a certainty. For now move on with your life as time marches on.
I wouldn't be surprised if he ignored your last few birthdays when you lived together and I definitely wouldn't be surprised he ignored your latest birthday after you separated. By your description he is an alcoholic and when we are drinking, we mess up all manner of things. We forget things, we ruin the occasions that we do remember, and we spread misery and dysfunction far and wide.
I think you should forget about his inattention to your birthdays and for now, be glad you are away from him. I also would not get back in touch with him at all, and certainly would not live with him again, until he achieves some long-term sobriety.
When he is drinking, you will always be unvalued by him. It is a certainty. For now move on with your life as time marches on.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Hi and Welcome,
I'm sorry for your situation. Your partner is an alcoholic and likely is too self-involved to pay attention to you or others. You said you feel unvalued by him and that's how he's treating you. It could be due to the alcoholism or it could be he's just like that. Either way, you deserve better. This is a time for you to focus on you and to take care of yourself.
I'm sorry for your situation. Your partner is an alcoholic and likely is too self-involved to pay attention to you or others. You said you feel unvalued by him and that's how he's treating you. It could be due to the alcoholism or it could be he's just like that. Either way, you deserve better. This is a time for you to focus on you and to take care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
Thank you Surrendered19:
So much for your response with kind time. I really appreciiate for your sincere advise and some insights. It's the most difficult thing to think to leave him, even I tried before several times, I always failed. This time probably I am very weak too.
So much for your response with kind time. I really appreciiate for your sincere advise and some insights. It's the most difficult thing to think to leave him, even I tried before several times, I always failed. This time probably I am very weak too.
Originally Posted by Surrendered19 
Hi Enki. Welcome to SR.
I wouldn't be surprised if he ignored your last few birthdays when you lived together and I definitely wouldn't be surprised he ignored your latest birthday after you separated. By your description he is an alcoholic and when we are drinking, we mess up all manner of things. We forget things, we ruin the occasions that we do remember, and we spread misery and dysfunction far and wide.
I think you should forget about his inattention to your birthdays and for now, be glad you are away from him. I also would not get back in touch with him at all, and certainly would not live with him again, until he achieves some long-term sobriety.
When he is drinking, you will always be unvalued by him. It is a certainty. For now move on with your life as time marches on.
I wouldn't be surprised if he ignored your last few birthdays when you lived together and I definitely wouldn't be surprised he ignored your latest birthday after you separated. By your description he is an alcoholic and when we are drinking, we mess up all manner of things. We forget things, we ruin the occasions that we do remember, and we spread misery and dysfunction far and wide.
I think you should forget about his inattention to your birthdays and for now, be glad you are away from him. I also would not get back in touch with him at all, and certainly would not live with him again, until he achieves some long-term sobriety.
When he is drinking, you will always be unvalued by him. It is a certainty. For now move on with your life as time marches on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
Dear Anna,
Thanks for your welcome and kind advise, I am very thankful for this forum. People seem very nice. I have so much psychological issue since I cannot leave the unhealthy relationship. It's been like 5 years, no progress, still same......
Thanks for your welcome and kind advise, I am very thankful for this forum. People seem very nice. I have so much psychological issue since I cannot leave the unhealthy relationship. It's been like 5 years, no progress, still same......
Originally Posted by Anna
Hi and Welcome,
I'm sorry for your situation. Your partner is an alcoholic and likely is too self-involved to pay attention to you or others. You said you feel unvalued by him and that's how he's treating you. It could be due to the alcoholism or it could be he's just like that. Either way, you deserve better. This is a time for you to focus on you and to take care of yourself.
I'm sorry for your situation. Your partner is an alcoholic and likely is too self-involved to pay attention to you or others. You said you feel unvalued by him and that's how he's treating you. It could be due to the alcoholism or it could be he's just like that. Either way, you deserve better. This is a time for you to focus on you and to take care of yourself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Hi Enki - it's so good to have you with us.
I had the same situation with my first husband. I knew he wasn't unhappy with me & didn't want to lose me - but his drinking destroyed his personality. As Anna said, he was too self-involved to look beyond himself & his own problems. He never even tried to live without alcohol - it had been part of his life since he was young & he couldn't imagine doing without it.. I had to give up on the idea that things would ever change, even though it was terribly painful.
I'm sorry for the hurt this has caused you. I hope it helps to know that others understand.
I had the same situation with my first husband. I knew he wasn't unhappy with me & didn't want to lose me - but his drinking destroyed his personality. As Anna said, he was too self-involved to look beyond himself & his own problems. He never even tried to live without alcohol - it had been part of his life since he was young & he couldn't imagine doing without it.. I had to give up on the idea that things would ever change, even though it was terribly painful.
I'm sorry for the hurt this has caused you. I hope it helps to know that others understand.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I am sorry to hear of your situation Enki, It does sound like you need to separate completely, because it is not a healthy and respectful relationship, but I know how painful that can be for some of us. I have similar difficulty, due to an attachment disorder. It is almost impossible fo me to leave bad relationships that are not healthy for me. In my case it stems from my early childhood experience with loss and multiple caregivers, and it is also fairly common in people who consider themselves Adult Children of Alcoholics, due to chaotic childhoods without a consistent primary caregiver.. There are other reasons too of course. Not trying to imply that you have an attachment disorder, I just mention it so you can look into it if you want. It was originally brought to my attention by a therapist when I sought help for this very issue.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
It does sound like the person you are with is very self involved and does not offer much love and support. I think it is very important for you to respect and honor yourself and that would mean not allowing people to treat us poorly and to disrespect us. You get to choose who is in your life and who is not.
It does sound like the person you are with is very self involved and does not offer much love and support. I think it is very important for you to respect and honor yourself and that would mean not allowing people to treat us poorly and to disrespect us. You get to choose who is in your life and who is not.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
Dear Hevyn:
Thanks for your response and shared your experience. It really sucks, but I have to accept the ugly truth, he will hardly change ever, hsi personality will deteriorate progessively.
Thanks, Hugs
Thanks for your response and shared your experience. It really sucks, but I have to accept the ugly truth, he will hardly change ever, hsi personality will deteriorate progessively.
Thanks, Hugs
Originally Posted by Hevyn
Hi Enki - it's so good to have you with us.
I had the same situation with my first husband. I knew he wasn't unhappy with me & didn't want to lose me - but his drinking destroyed his personality. As Anna said, he was too self-involved to look beyond himself & his own problems. He never even tried to live without alcohol - it had been part of his life since he was young & he couldn't imagine doing without it.. I had to give up on the idea that things would ever change, even though it was terribly painful.
I'm sorry for the hurt this has caused you. I hope it helps to know that others understand.
I had the same situation with my first husband. I knew he wasn't unhappy with me & didn't want to lose me - but his drinking destroyed his personality. As Anna said, he was too self-involved to look beyond himself & his own problems. He never even tried to live without alcohol - it had been part of his life since he was young & he couldn't imagine doing without it.. I had to give up on the idea that things would ever change, even though it was terribly painful.
I'm sorry for the hurt this has caused you. I hope it helps to know that others understand.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
Advbike dear,
You are right, the attachment disorder, thanks for your time to reply and explain. I have tried so many times unsuccessfully to leave this guy, but I could not for som reason, still I go back to him even after 11 months seperation. How that sounds? Pretty unhopeful. Right, so he never treats me with respect... its like I am the one who is after him.
As you said that something happened in the childhood that's why some of us like here today. I agree with you. Its really stemmed from the childhood.
I am sure I have so low-esteem and jealous type of person. I always scare what if I left alone at the end of the life. Pretty sucks.... yeah.
Yes, I do have some attachment issue, I really tried to educate myself since 2018, but I failed so many times, even I read, understand the root problem which was related my chilldhood, I cant give up the toughts of ending the relationship.
Hugs, thanks again,
You are right, the attachment disorder, thanks for your time to reply and explain. I have tried so many times unsuccessfully to leave this guy, but I could not for som reason, still I go back to him even after 11 months seperation. How that sounds? Pretty unhopeful. Right, so he never treats me with respect... its like I am the one who is after him.
As you said that something happened in the childhood that's why some of us like here today. I agree with you. Its really stemmed from the childhood.
I am sure I have so low-esteem and jealous type of person. I always scare what if I left alone at the end of the life. Pretty sucks.... yeah.
Yes, I do have some attachment issue, I really tried to educate myself since 2018, but I failed so many times, even I read, understand the root problem which was related my chilldhood, I cant give up the toughts of ending the relationship.
Hugs, thanks again,
Originally Posted by advbike
I am sorry to hear of your situation Enki, It does sound like you need to separate completely, because it is not a healthy and respectful relationship, but I know how painful that can be for some of us. I have similar difficulty, due to an attachment disorder. It is almost impossible fo me to leave bad relationships that are not healthy for me. In my case it stems from my early childhood experience with loss and multiple caregivers, and it is also fairly common in people who consider themselves Adult Children of Alcoholics, due to chaotic childhoods without a consistent primary caregiver.. There are other reasons too of course. Not trying to imply that you have an attachment disorder, I just mention it so you can look into it if you want. It was originally brought to my attention by a therapist when I sought help for this very issue.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
Dear Mizz:
Thanks for the birthday greetings, so kind of you. As well as shared your thoughts, I know he is very selfish, he drinks non stop 3 to 4 weeks consecutively at home, alone. OMG, I really tried to leave 10 times even more, but I am still stuck........... I have some issue personal issue. which I accept.......
Thanks for the birthday greetings, so kind of you. As well as shared your thoughts, I know he is very selfish, he drinks non stop 3 to 4 weeks consecutively at home, alone. OMG, I really tried to leave 10 times even more, but I am still stuck........... I have some issue personal issue. which I accept.......
Originally Posted by Mizz
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
It does sound like the person you are with is very self involved and does not offer much love and support. I think it is very important for you to respect and honor yourself and that would mean not allowing people to treat us poorly and to disrespect us. You get to choose who is in your life and who is not.
It does sound like the person you are with is very self involved and does not offer much love and support. I think it is very important for you to respect and honor yourself and that would mean not allowing people to treat us poorly and to disrespect us. You get to choose who is in your life and who is not.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Hello Enki, I am glad you are still resolved to end the relationship. Now you just need to take some steps. This is the hard part, I know.. Can you see a therapist or counselor about it? My therapist always told me that I was getting something out of the relationship or I would not be in it. Maybe it is the same with you - what are you getting from the relationship with him? You don't need to post it on here, I just mean to explore that aspect of the relationship. Another thing is we often choose similar types of partners, so it is important to learn more about this to prevent it happening again.
Best wishes to you.
Best wishes to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
Dear Advbike
Thanks so much again.... yeah you are right, I agree with that your therapist mentioned about "I was getting something out of the relationship or I would not be in it." I agree with this. Maybe it was companionship at intimacy level. It's very true. I am like addict in this case too. I feel so bad I am only staying for this relationship because I am addict, because he is providing that thing..????
Thanks so much again.... yeah you are right, I agree with that your therapist mentioned about "I was getting something out of the relationship or I would not be in it." I agree with this. Maybe it was companionship at intimacy level. It's very true. I am like addict in this case too. I feel so bad I am only staying for this relationship because I am addict, because he is providing that thing..????
Originally Posted by advbike
Hello Enki, I am glad you are still resolved to end the relationship. Now you just need to take some steps. This is the hard part, I know.. Can you see a therapist or counselor about it? My therapist always told me that I was getting something out of the relationship or I would not be in it. Maybe it is the same with you - what are you getting from the relationship with him? You don't need to post it on here, I just mean to explore that aspect of the relationship. Another thing is we often choose similar types of partners, so it is important to learn more about this to prevent it happening again.
Best wishes to you.
Best wishes to you.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
Dear Advbike,
I am planning to take online group therapy on Fall with the professional, at the moment, I am listening to her lectures whcih is very expensive in Mongolian language, she was exactly talking what you guys talking.... its very true....
I am planning to take online group therapy on Fall with the professional, at the moment, I am listening to her lectures whcih is very expensive in Mongolian language, she was exactly talking what you guys talking.... its very true....
I believe in miracles :)
Join Date: Nov 2020
Location: Europe
Posts: 160
You separated in January, yet you expect him to contact you and say Happy Birthday? I think you haven't moved on so I would work on this first. Who cares about words at this point? He failed in his actions. Lower your expectations toward others and try to be kinder to yourself. No one owes you anything but you owe yourself love and happiness. Learn to be happy on your own, be your own crutch Telling you this as someone who's out of a 15+ y relationship with a weed addict husband and a 2+ y relationship with an alcoholic fiancé (on probation on top).
Telling you this as someone who's out of a 15+ y relationship with a weed addict husband and a 2+ y relationship with an alcoholic fiancé (on probation on top).
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
Dear Velvetee:
Thanks so much for responding with advice. Yes, I am still missing him and expecting him more, even we seperated since January. Even after the seperation we met several times. I feel so bad when did not call me on my birthday. Why he was so ignorant yeasr by year on my special day. Now, Iam kind of hate him, definitely will not be responsive if he calls. He really undervalues me, he never mastered up to make me stop if I decide to move out from his place, he just let me go everytimes I moved out, he never tried to stop me.
You right, I really have to work on myself and lower my expectations from others.
Thanks so much for responding with advice. Yes, I am still missing him and expecting him more, even we seperated since January. Even after the seperation we met several times. I feel so bad when did not call me on my birthday. Why he was so ignorant yeasr by year on my special day. Now, Iam kind of hate him, definitely will not be responsive if he calls. He really undervalues me, he never mastered up to make me stop if I decide to move out from his place, he just let me go everytimes I moved out, he never tried to stop me.
You right, I really have to work on myself and lower my expectations from others.
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