Takeaction

I’ve been down this rabbit hole since I was 19!!! Why can’t I just stop?!!!! It ruins my life!! I drank again- I had a bender of about 20 miniatures in two days without food. I’ve been through a lot feeling alone like most people. I hate that I did this to myself.

Dee74

Hi takeaction

I’m glad you made it back. Many of us falter a time or two before we find our way.

It’s not easy to change our lives, especially when our lives revolved around something that we no longer want to do but we keep on finding ourselves back in the middle of old behaviours.

It takes time and effort to change that, but there is support and help here.

I really encourage you to keep reading keep posting ...maybe join some group threads ?

you can do this!
just think about what else you could do to make this happen ?

D

Eddiebuckle

TA, every long term sober person has a similar story leading up to their version of what AA calls the jumping off place. Shame is a useless emotion, and the past is history - the real question is what will you do today that brings you closer to sobriety? It is difficult and painful, and initially it feels fraudulent, but that's how it is. Personally, I was incapable of just not drinking - I had to fill those hours with things that occupied my head and my heart, and I surrounded myself with people on the same journey. You can do this.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Every word of this sounds like alcoholism.
Going on a bender - check.
Drinking the little shooters (because they're convenient, easy to hide, whatever) - check. This is expensive by the way.
Not eating - check.
Feeling demoralized when you come down - check.

I lived this and you are correct. It ruins your life.
The good news is it's not entirely your fault. Alcohol is an extremely potent anxiolytic and euphoria inducer.
The bad news is that's not a reason to do it again. The really bad news is that its good qualities are really just bad qualities in disguise. When you're intoxicated, your central nervous system goes into fight or flight mode and tries to balance your brain chemistry. When your blood alcohol level falls, the chemicals that your CNS released are still present and it makes you feel the opposite of how you felt when you were drunk. Extremely anxious, probably depressed, jumpy, etc. This effect will never go away. Alcohol abuse is the antithesis of healthy brain chemistry.

Also, alcohol metabolism generates a lot of acetaldehyde which is just toxic all around. It's the main reason that alcohol abuse leads to liver damage and that alcoholics die young - and chronic alcoholics die horribly.

Delilah1

I’m glad you are back and posting, that means you want to stop. It took me a while to finally get recovered right, and I am so glad I kept coming back here. Reading and posting here daily can really help.

DriGuy

It doesn't feel good at all. You're just different from many others in this one particular area. Why? I don't think anyone knows why. It happens to so many of us, and we never saw it coming until it had us. But you can find your way out. At this point, it would be good to realize that this thing can be fixed, and you are the one that can do it.

Scd619x

I had to really look at the eating thing myself. Why did i not eat prior, and sometimes during, to drinking when everyone else did? It was something that i did since the beginning and not sure why tbh? If my mate would go out drinking without eating he would feel hoorendous the next day but i never connected this dot for myself until in my 40s. Maybe drinking to get drunk as opposed to drinking to be sociable and have fun? Who knows?

brighterday1234

Unable to stop and life being ruined are the 2 fundamentals of alcoholism. Once I accepted my alcoholism truly and fully I was able to recover with a plan of recovery that I live everyday. It’s not always easy but it’s always worth it 🙏

Mizz

Active alcoholism does include a lot of shame. Regret.
I felt so many bad feelings while I was actively drinking. All the time. I cant explain why I continued on in active alcoholism even when I was destroying all healthy parts of myself. You think it would be something that a person would just walk away from considering how awful we start to feel internally? Addiction is powerful but getting sober has more power. Self empowerment. Sobriety has so many positive life affirming things associated with it. All the more reason to stay sober and to build a life that you are truly proud of. Move forward with determination. Move forward with hope and with faith. You can change your life. One moment, step and action at a time.

DriGuy

I know. Addiction is illogical. I have to drink. Now I hate myself. Now I have to drink. Now I hate myself. What's fun about that? We all did it and wondered why because it makes no sense.

Aellyce

I personally think the addiction cycle, the drive, and feelings associated with it all are perfectly logical when we understand how it works in the body, and we are lucky to live in an era when that has become quite advanced, so that eases the stigmas a bit (for me it also helps that it's not a mysterious wrong I can't comprehend). Of course, it doesn't mean all that knowledge and rational understanding of addiction makes it go away, or even makes it easier to stop, at least it didn't for me. We need to go against that current and make hard efforts to break the cycle because it is extremely powerful. It can be so powerful because addiction takes over some of oldest and strongest biological dives we have naturally for aspects of survival - ironically, to levels that interfere with survival.

For me, shame only lasted as long as I kept drinking and typically the day after bad binges, simply just staying sober cures for me. But it's very hard to make that change first and then maintain it, that's why it can sometimes feel so hopeless.

novips

Three Big Book excerpts that may be relevant:

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink. (Page 24.)

There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet. (Page 25.)

Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power? Well, that’s exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem. (Page 45.)