Raw emotions
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Raw emotions
I am feeling a ton of raw emotions, mainly in the later parts of the day when I’d be drinking. My husband and I also seem to butt heads whether we are drinking or not. Lately it’s been me trying not to drink and he still is. But then something happened and he wanted to quit smoking. And then one thing led to another and somehow I convinced him not to drink either. So we are both on day 2 of no drinking - well except I know for a fact he drank a beer on his way home today, because I could smell it when he came in. But that’s not where our issue is. I did mention to him I could smell the beer and knew he drank one and told him that was not helping support me. And of course he said nothing. We went on about our evening and he’s watching TV with the little one and I mention the little one shouldn’t be watching it, he snaps at me asking why I am telling him what he can and can’t watch. Which I’m sure he’s pissed because I had declined his earlier invite for “intimacy”. Which brings me to another emotion - wanting actual true intimacy and not just the act. I’m starting to think that my husband has no way of showing actual love and compassion stemming from his childhood abuse.
I don't know where I’m going with all this, I just know that I’m extremely emotional. Probably one of the reasons I drink. And the fact that my husband and I cannot communicate effectively just adds to the emotions. When will I feel happiness? Joy? Elation? Love?
I don't know where I’m going with all this, I just know that I’m extremely emotional. Probably one of the reasons I drink. And the fact that my husband and I cannot communicate effectively just adds to the emotions. When will I feel happiness? Joy? Elation? Love?
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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The early days are very tough. I would let all non-critical issues go for now. A bit of extra tv for the kid and your husband is not worth the energy.
Focus on yourself as much as possible. At least the first few weeks. I know that is easier said than done with a little one in tow.
Also, you and your husband are each on your own journeys. If you feel the need to tell him he smells like beer and that you would appreciate some honesty, tell him, then just leave it. He is going to do what he is going to do.
Focus on yourself for now as much as possible. You are in a tough spot and I feel for you.
Happiness, joy, love, elation? Those are tall orders but I know one thing for certain - you won't feel any of those things as long as you are drinking.
Hang in there.
Focus on yourself as much as possible. At least the first few weeks. I know that is easier said than done with a little one in tow.
Also, you and your husband are each on your own journeys. If you feel the need to tell him he smells like beer and that you would appreciate some honesty, tell him, then just leave it. He is going to do what he is going to do.
Focus on yourself for now as much as possible. You are in a tough spot and I feel for you.
Happiness, joy, love, elation? Those are tall orders but I know one thing for certain - you won't feel any of those things as long as you are drinking.
Hang in there.
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Originally Posted by Surrendered19 
Also, you and your husband are each on your own journeys. If you feel the need to tell him he smells like beer and that you would appreciate some honesty, tell him, then just leave it. He is going to do what he is going to do.
Focus on yourself for now as much as possible. You are in a tough spot and I feel for you.
Happiness, joy, love, elation? Those are tall orders but I know one thing for certain - you won't feel any of those things as long as you are drinking.
I’m trying to express my feelings to him and it’s just hard. I have all these emotions and when I try to tell him something, he rolls his eyes or turns his head which just creates even more emotions. I’m currently reading the book Emotional Detox so I’m hoping to find some helpful information there. The idea behind an emotional detox is to it be in state of “reactivity” all the time.
As far as wanting to feel the “good” emotions - it just sucks that alcohol has depleted all the good feelings only leaving the bad and trying to trick me that if I drink, I can have those good feelings again. Hope that makes sense.
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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Everything you say makes total sense.
I am going to suggest to you that you not look to him for now as an outlet for your feelings or expect anything in return when you tell him about your emotions. Neither of you are in any shape to be a source of steady, strong loving support for each other. You both have much work to do and I think you need some support from other people. Come here on SR and perhaps seek some in real life support.
At any rate, it doesn't sound like he is a person you should be leaning on for emotional strength right now. Right now he has his own fish to fry.
I am going to suggest to you that you not look to him for now as an outlet for your feelings or expect anything in return when you tell him about your emotions. Neither of you are in any shape to be a source of steady, strong loving support for each other. You both have much work to do and I think you need some support from other people. Come here on SR and perhaps seek some in real life support.
At any rate, it doesn't sound like he is a person you should be leaning on for emotional strength right now. Right now he has his own fish to fry.
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I agree with what Surrendered said, Jillian. You have every right to a loving and joyful relationship, but right now the priority is to stay sober and not push the other person too much, especially if he is even trying to quit with you. I give him credit for that. Early sobriety tends to be an emotional minefield anyway. There's just no way to do everything all at once, so you have to set priorities and start with the basics. The rest will come later.
Great job so far though! You're doing great.
Great job so far though! You're doing great.
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Join Date: May 2012
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In the early days I put myself to bed early. Sometimes I would hit the bed right after work. I was all over the place emotionally and I knew it. Raw.
Perhaps you and the little one can watch a movie and get to bed. Tomorrow is full of promise.
Perhaps you and the little one can watch a movie and get to bed. Tomorrow is full of promise.
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Originally Posted by Mizz
In the early days I put myself to bed early. Sometimes I would hit the bed right after work. I was all over the place emotionally and I knew it. Raw.
Perhaps you and the little one can watch a movie and get to bed. Tomorrow is full of promise.
Perhaps you and the little one can watch a movie and get to bed. Tomorrow is full of promise.
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Jillian2563
I am feeling a ton of raw emotions, mainly in the later parts of the day when I’d be drinking. My husband and I also seem to butt heads whether we are drinking or not. Lately it’s been me trying not to drink and he still is. But then something happened and he wanted to quit smoking. And then one thing led to another and somehow I convinced him not to drink either. So we are both on day 2 of no drinking - well except I know for a fact he drank a beer on his way home today, because I could smell it when he came in. But that’s not where our issue is. I did mention to him I could smell the beer and knew he drank one and told him that was not helping support me. And of course he said nothing. We went on about our evening and he’s watching TV with the little one and I mention the little one shouldn’t be watching it, he snaps at me asking why I am telling him what he can and can’t watch. Which I’m sure he’s pissed because I had declined his earlier invite for “intimacy”. Which brings me to another emotion - wanting actual true intimacy and not just the act. I’m starting to think that my husband has no way of showing actual love and compassion stemming from his childhood abuse.
I don't know where I’m going with all this, I just know that I’m extremely emotional. Probably one of the reasons I drink. And the fact that my husband and I cannot communicate effectively just adds to the emotions. When will I feel happiness? Joy? Elation? Love?
I don't know where I’m going with all this, I just know that I’m extremely emotional. Probably one of the reasons I drink. And the fact that my husband and I cannot communicate effectively just adds to the emotions. When will I feel happiness? Joy? Elation? Love?
Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, says in her book Attachment Theory, “Contraindications include significant, ongoing violence between partners, ongoing untreated addictions that compete with attachment to the partner, or current affairs that will stymie the recreation of trust in the couple’s relationship.”
To me this is telling. Active addictions compete with our attachments to our partners. So the emotions you’re describing? They are telling you that you’re noticing his attachment to alcohol taking priority over his attachment to you, and that hurts. But that’s what addictions do. Even if you saw the best couples therapist you could find, they would likely say the addiction to alcohol must be dealt with first before their therapy would be expected to really help.
Convincing a loved one they have an addiction and need to give it up is really hard. They can hardly help but become defensive, dismissive, minimizing, perceive you as controlling and accuse you of such, and so on. It can be hard to convince them. So hard that sometimes it takes threatening the end of the relationship to shake them out of it, and sometimes even that doesn’t work.
Your emotions are valid. It can take time for partners to come around and get on board with sobriety. Try to find some patience but don’t enable. Stay assertive about your needs but don’t attack/blame/criticize too harshly. This is not an easy situation for anyone who’s in it.
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Originally Posted by BatDad
This is hard. Really hard. Hiding alcohol use feels like secrecy and betrayal to a lot of people, and really damages trust. Reading your post makes me think couples counseling could help, but on the other hand, addiction can interfere with that being effective too.
Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, says in her book Attachment Theory, “Contraindications include significant, ongoing violence between partners, ongoing untreated addictions that compete with attachment to the partner, or current affairs that will stymie the recreation of trust in the couple’s relationship.”
To me this is telling. Active addictions compete with our attachments to our partners. So the emotions you’re describing? They are telling you that you’re noticing his attachment to alcohol taking priority over his attachment to you, and that hurts. But that’s what addictions do. Even if you saw the best couples therapist you could find, they would likely say the addiction to alcohol must be dealt with first before their therapy would be expected to really help.
Convincing a loved one they have an addiction and need to give it up is really hard. They can hardly help but become defensive, dismissive, minimizing, perceive you as controlling and accuse you of such, and so on. It can be hard to convince them. So hard that sometimes it takes threatening the end of the relationship to shake them out of it, and sometimes even that doesn’t work.
Your emotions are valid. It can take time for partners to come around and get on board with sobriety. Try to find some patience but don’t enable. Stay assertive about your needs but don’t attack/blame/criticize too harshly. This is not an easy situation for anyone who’s in it.
Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, says in her book Attachment Theory, “Contraindications include significant, ongoing violence between partners, ongoing untreated addictions that compete with attachment to the partner, or current affairs that will stymie the recreation of trust in the couple’s relationship.”
To me this is telling. Active addictions compete with our attachments to our partners. So the emotions you’re describing? They are telling you that you’re noticing his attachment to alcohol taking priority over his attachment to you, and that hurts. But that’s what addictions do. Even if you saw the best couples therapist you could find, they would likely say the addiction to alcohol must be dealt with first before their therapy would be expected to really help.
Convincing a loved one they have an addiction and need to give it up is really hard. They can hardly help but become defensive, dismissive, minimizing, perceive you as controlling and accuse you of such, and so on. It can be hard to convince them. So hard that sometimes it takes threatening the end of the relationship to shake them out of it, and sometimes even that doesn’t work.
Your emotions are valid. It can take time for partners to come around and get on board with sobriety. Try to find some patience but don’t enable. Stay assertive about your needs but don’t attack/blame/criticize too harshly. This is not an easy situation for anyone who’s in it.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Focusing on yourself is a good plan. We can only change ourselves. What road someone chooses to walk is really up to them and if it becomes detrimental to you then you can deal with that in the future.
I spent a lot of time in my drinking career thinking that both parties needed to change in order for me to live a sober life. I focused a lot on the external. Focused on other people. I learned through a lot of trial and error that my strength and determination to get sober was all that really mattered. I cant ask others to follow on the road I am walking. I can ask for respect and some understanding. I can ask that they not affect me with their use. We can talk about it if I am affected but this sober road is my road. Things change when we start to change.
I spent a lot of time in my drinking career thinking that both parties needed to change in order for me to live a sober life. I focused a lot on the external. Focused on other people. I learned through a lot of trial and error that my strength and determination to get sober was all that really mattered. I cant ask others to follow on the road I am walking. I can ask for respect and some understanding. I can ask that they not affect me with their use. We can talk about it if I am affected but this sober road is my road. Things change when we start to change.
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What I've written below is what worked for me. It may or may not apply to you.
You might be a real alcoholic. If you are, then you might want to consider prioritizing your recovery. By that I mean simply committing to the following actions and leaving everything else for later to the extent reasonably possible. IOW, try to leave managing your husband till later.
1. Don't drink and go to A.A. meetings. Go to at least one meeting per day for 90 days.
2. Get on your knees every morning and every night. Ask God to keep you sober in the morning; thank Him for keeping you sober at night. (Feel free to replace "God" and "Him" with whatever works. Note also that you don't need to believe in "God" to follow this instruction.)
3. Get an A.A. home group and an A.A. service commitment.
4. Get an A.A. sponsor who is ready to lead you through the steps of A.A. as laid out in A.A.'s Big Book. Call that sponsor every day.
5. Read the first 164 pages of the Big Book, highlighting everything that jumps out at you (i.e., you thought that, did that, felt that).
You might be a real alcoholic. If you are, then you might want to consider prioritizing your recovery. By that I mean simply committing to the following actions and leaving everything else for later to the extent reasonably possible. IOW, try to leave managing your husband till later.
1. Don't drink and go to A.A. meetings. Go to at least one meeting per day for 90 days.
2. Get on your knees every morning and every night. Ask God to keep you sober in the morning; thank Him for keeping you sober at night. (Feel free to replace "God" and "Him" with whatever works. Note also that you don't need to believe in "God" to follow this instruction.)
3. Get an A.A. home group and an A.A. service commitment.
4. Get an A.A. sponsor who is ready to lead you through the steps of A.A. as laid out in A.A.'s Big Book. Call that sponsor every day.
5. Read the first 164 pages of the Big Book, highlighting everything that jumps out at you (i.e., you thought that, did that, felt that).
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Originally Posted by novips
What I've written below is what worked for me. It may or may not apply to you.
You might be a real alcoholic. If you are, then you might want to consider prioritizing your recovery. By that I mean simply committing to the following actions and leaving everything else for later to the extent reasonably possible. IOW, try to leave managing your husband till later.
1. Don't drink and go to A.A. meetings. Go to at least one meeting per day for 90 days.
2. Get on your knees every morning and every night. Ask God to keep you sober in the morning; thank Him for keeping you sober at night. (Feel free to replace "God" and "Him" with whatever works. Note also that you don't need to believe in "God" to follow this instruction.)
3. Get an A.A. home group and an A.A. service commitment.
4. Get an A.A. sponsor who is ready to lead you through the steps of A.A. as laid out in A.A.'s Big Book. Call that sponsor every day.
5. Read the first 164 pages of the Big Book, highlighting everything that jumps out at you (i.e., you thought that, did that, felt that).
You might be a real alcoholic. If you are, then you might want to consider prioritizing your recovery. By that I mean simply committing to the following actions and leaving everything else for later to the extent reasonably possible. IOW, try to leave managing your husband till later.
1. Don't drink and go to A.A. meetings. Go to at least one meeting per day for 90 days.
2. Get on your knees every morning and every night. Ask God to keep you sober in the morning; thank Him for keeping you sober at night. (Feel free to replace "God" and "Him" with whatever works. Note also that you don't need to believe in "God" to follow this instruction.)
3. Get an A.A. home group and an A.A. service commitment.
4. Get an A.A. sponsor who is ready to lead you through the steps of A.A. as laid out in A.A.'s Big Book. Call that sponsor every day.
5. Read the first 164 pages of the Big Book, highlighting everything that jumps out at you (i.e., you thought that, did that, felt that).
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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Many people with long-term sobriety achieved that with other types of recovery and support systems than AA. But I think novips expresses an important sentiment to make a commitment to something that works for you and then really focus on that and work on it. Make it your priority for months to come. And don't look for AA or SR or any other recovery report system to reach into your mind and help you. Many wise posters here on SR have observed that nobody and nothing external is available or for sale and nothing or nobody is coming to save you. It is largely up to you and the work you put into recovery and sobriety. My very humble opinion is that if AA did not help you, that is far more on you than on AA.
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I agree with the comments to focus on yourself. This is not the time to concern yourself with your husband's drinking. Very early recovery should be your priority. I also agree that you need to make a plan that works for you. I think that having a specific plan for the day/week is what helps when the emotions take over. You can do this! 
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Dealing with feelings and emotions is hard. I don't know about anyone else but I drank every feeling away for a very long time.
Getting sober and staying that way means we have to relearn the art of dealing with feelings - but like any skill it gets easier the more we do it.
I think support is important. Its fine if AA ois not your thing but there are many other meeting based methods out there - SMART, lifering, WomenForSobriety, Refuge Recovery or Dharma Recovery (both Buddhist based)...there may indeed be others and all should have meetings available at a click of the mouse, via Zoom etc.
D
Getting sober and staying that way means we have to relearn the art of dealing with feelings - but like any skill it gets easier the more we do it.
I think support is important. Its fine if AA ois not your thing but there are many other meeting based methods out there - SMART, lifering, WomenForSobriety, Refuge Recovery or Dharma Recovery (both Buddhist based)...there may indeed be others and all should have meetings available at a click of the mouse, via Zoom etc.
D
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