Allabouteve

Hi, I haven't posted for a while.
I am in a relationship with a functioning alcohol who is in denial. I am completely in love with him, but he can be verbally abusive by text and voicenote when intoxicated. It isn't just me he is abusive to, he does the same to his Family and friends. I know its the drink talking and not him. He is always sorry and apologetic afterwards.
A few weeks ago, my partner wet the bed. I was laying there and felt it. I was horrified but he was sleeping and I was mortified for him, so I just got out and lay on top of the covers. When he woke up, he tried to use the excuse that he must have spilt a can of beer but I know its not true. To save his feelings I never said anything.
Last night it happened again only he was facing the other way and then I heard water going on the floor. Yet again I am embarrassed for him and didn't say anything. He left for work. We don't live together and it's never happened at my place, only his. We see each other a few times a week. Is this common in alcoholism? It's a very embarrassing topic and no one probably feels more embarrassed than him. I mentioned his drinking to him yesterday and he said he knows he drinks too much but he hasn't got a problem. He enjoys the taste. I love him and want to be with him but I want him to control his drinking or stop.

Dee74

Hi and welcome back Eve

well yeah I'm sure you'll hear from a bunch of us with similar stories of embarrassment and incontinence - its awful and no one should have to put up with it from a partner who refuses to stop drinking so much......and I don't think its very 'functioning' at
all...

but to me the ongoing abuse is the really big major problem.

Like I said last time, abuse is never ok.

Last time you said, you told him that you won't tolerate disrespect if it happens again - has it happened again?

D.

C0ntr0ls

Is this common in alcoholism? It was for me so been there done that.
Unfortunately, if he's anything like me, he will not stop until he wants to and it does not matter what anyone says. My ex-wife, former employers all had talks with me plus all the other effing drama that I caused didn't make me stop.
I stopped when I was sick and tiered of it but it took a while of me being that way for it to stick. Hell, I even went and paid for my funeral in advance because I was expecting to die.
After about 1.75 years sober now, my ex-wife is my best friend and my life is better then I could have ever imagined.

What you do next is up to you.

Good Luck.

Allabouteve

Unfortunately I did tolerate the disrespect because I know the sober him doesn't mean it and is loving and caring.

Regarding the bed wetting, it's not pleasant at all and I'm as embarrassed as him. I love him dearly. Its so hard when you love someone to give up on them, even this early in the relationship. I see his potential and we do have lovely times together.

doggonecarl

His drinking didn't stop after your first post. It's unlikely to stop after this one. How long you tolerate the verbal abuse, drunken antics, and bedwetting is up to you. You say you don't want to leave him because you see his potential. His drinking will potentially get worse.

What about your potential? You can choose to tie it to an alcoholic. But it won't make him sober. That's on him.

D122y

In my drinking days it was anything can happen once the poison takes over.

People are in prison for life and don't remember what happened.

I used to tell folks to run away as fast as they can, but I have changed.

Now I say, if you love the drunk, buckle up and try to enjoy the ride. You know what is in store. Sort of like Russian Roulette.

They won't stop drinking until they are good and ready. If they are forced to stop, ultimatums/legal ramifications, they will sneak it.

I feel for both of you. Bed wetting is pretty nasty etc. I assure you the bed wetting is nothing compared to what might happen.

Booze alters the CNS. Drunks black out and don't remember what they did. It doesn't take much.

I venture it is about 6 units on an empty stomach to black out.

Some drunks don't like to eat before they drink because it hurts the buzz.

Most drunks don't come close to stopping at that point.

My wife learned to just stay away from me when I was drinking. It was very sad. I remember her carefully choosing her words so as not to set me off. Embarrassing.

Another problem is that it takes years to normalize from drinking. The brain gets used to the chemical imbalance and needs it to feel normal.

That is why drunks get agitated until they get their fix. Viscous cycle. There is more, but you might not believe me.

Hope you stay safe.

Prayers.

Thanks.

DriGuy

I don't usually get too uppity about other people's drinking problems, but there is a point where I begin to strongly disapprove. Frankly, peeing in the bed is disgusting. With children, it's a necessary training process, but children somehow learn to go to the bathroom and even take pride in their accomplishment. If you have to pee at night, get up and go to the bathroom. It's simple common courtesy. If you are too drunk to know what you are doing, go sleep in someone else's bed. In fact, if you're drunk, go sleep in someone else's bed.

D122y

I ran out of editing time.

Anyway...

In closing, the whole thing is sort of common sense, but addiction alters this.

Who in their right mind would do something that causes them to pee in their bed, deny it, and do it over and over.

Addiction is insanity.

That's all for now.

Thanks.

Mizz

Think about the way you want to be treated or how you treat others.

Seeing someone's "potential" does not sound like there is an acceptance of what is actually happening. The behaviors of verbal abuse, and whatever else may be taking place, are not an acceptable way to be treated. If you look at the situation in its entirety, as a whole, it does not sound healthy and there is an allowance by you due to "potential" or hoping things will change.

You get to decide what you allow in your life and what you don't. We can only change ourselves and strive to be the best versions of ourselves in this world. May you find a solution to this problem. The solution is within you.

Bethany57

I would tell him what has happened. That may shock him into realizing he has a problem...a big one. You don't want to keep enabling him.

DriGuy

I punched the "thanks" button on that, but it deserves more. Your whole post needs to be thoughtfully reread a few times.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear all of this is continuing Eve. Abuse is never OK, and yes, all the bad things you mention are common with alcoholics. It's also common for them to deny that they have a problem, like he's doing right now. It's understandable that you love him, but you have to be aware that he loves alcohol more than he loves you right now. Sorry to be so blunt but it's true because I've been there before and so have many of us. It's not impossible that he could realize his problem and do something about it, but he has to do it himself.

JustJohn

This is more common than you might believe. The unconscious urination happens during blackouts, usually to drunks under age 30. In the military, I saw guys urinate all over the place while blacked out. One guy passed out and wet himself EVERY TIME he drank. It's easy to say "get up and go to the bathroom" - but when someone has consumed so much booze in one sitting, they're on autopilot. My own BIL pissed all over the place when blacked out - it was brought up in an intervention after which he went into resident treatment. Embarrassment seems to be the only way to stop it.

My opinion only, but he needs to be told the truth. I don't think it is helping to spare him the embarrassment - I think you should be 100% honest with him.

I found an article that I'll share. I'm reluctant to share the link because it may be against SR rules - but here's the crux: Sometimes, after a night out, you may have heard of someone wetting the bed or maybe you have first-hand experience with this. Embarrassing as it is, this can happen to anyone. What happens if imbibing leads you to involuntary peeing throughout the night?

Waking up in urine-soaked sheets is not anyone’s idea of a good time, especially if you’re sharing the bed. Urologist James Uchaker, helps explain what’s going on in your body that’s causing this involuntary bed-wetting after too many drinks.

1. Alcohol suppresses a hormone in the brain

Nocturnal enuresis, or nighttime bedwetting, can happen when you overindulge because alcohol affects several things in your body that make it more difficult to hold your pee.

We are all equipped with an antidiuretic hormone (ADH) produced by the brain. ADH signals the kidneys to keep them from making too much urine, thereby preventing you from using all of your hydration reserves. Drinking alcohol suppresses ADH production, so your body produces more urine than it normally would.

“When you’re awake, you make up for extra urine by making more trips to the bathroom,” Dr. Ulchaker says. “If you pass out later or are sleeping too soundly, your bladder continues to fill more quickly and gets over-distended. Your body then releases the pressure by urinating,” he says.

But if you’re drinking to excess or late into the night, this suppression of ADH can continue long after you hit the hay. The result is your body is producing a whole lot more urine while you’re dozing than it normally does when you’re sober … which can result in wet sheets.

2. Alcohol irritates a key muscle in your bladder

Alcohol also irritates the detrusor muscle, part of the wall of the bladder that signals when you need to pee. If you’re passed out with inhibitions lowered from a drunken state, you may miss the signals from this muscle and void in your slumber.

3. Extra fluids build up faster

The volume you’re consuming might play a role in increasing the amount in your bladder. Sharing a pitcher of beer during a game or dinner with friends adds significantly to the normal amount of liquids you take in.

But add to this the simple fact of when we usually drink alcohol: evening time! This means you’re drinking closer to the normal time you go to bed, and this can dramatically increase the amount of pee your bladder has to hold through the night. This can really be a problem as you turn out the lights, especially if you already have a difficult time holding your pee under normal circumstances.

What’s more, Dr. Ulchaker says drinking alcohol causes your body to pull from its liquid reserves, which can lead to dehydration and add even more volume in your bladder.

But a main factor with your bladder’s involuntary contractions is caffine, Dr. Ulchaker says.

4. Caffeine activates the bladder

Remember that muscle in the bladder? The detrusor? Caffeine makes that muscle contract, telling you to pee before the bladder is even full. This allows you to hold less and less urine over time. Because caffeinated beverages so often go hand-in-hand with alcohol (think rum and Coke), this is a double-whammy for your bladder.

From: clevelandclinic.org

Anna

Please read the definition of abuse as per the National Domestic Violence Hotline. I hope it helps you to understand that you are being abused. No one deserves to live like that:

https://www.thehotline.org/identify-...ionship-abuse/

Also, your partner doesn't acknowledge his addiction problem so it's very unlikely he will decide to seek help for himself. Please take care of you.

JustJohn

This ^^^

advbike

I peed when drunk once, when I was about 19 or 20. Got up and peed in the corner of the room, lol, I was so drunk I thought I was in the bathroom. Never again after that, in my adult years. I can't imagine it. Although I drank fairly heavily (espec in my 20's) I did not drink to blackout, and in my opinion, anyone who is doing that is fairly far along on the alcoholic spectrum. I only say this to let you know that in my opinion he is a very heavy drinker, and probably consuming more than you realize. And he apparently doesn't care. That also explains the verbal abuse. Please seriously consider getting out.

Steely

I agree with Dr Guy.

Worked in women's services for a long time. Heard many women say, "he only hits me when he's drunk." It's not Really him." And, "I luv him". Yes, it is him forever while he's drinking. I wouldn't tolerate it.

He's not going to change until he experiences the consequences. I don't know why you don't object. Well, I do, but that's something you need to examine within yourself.

Why not tell him?

Aellyce

I'm sorry you are dealing with this Eve. I think abusive relationships and even if not abusive, relationships with active addicts sometimes become an addiction on their own that can be just as hard to break as a substance problem. The fact that you tolerate his behaviors almost points to something like that - you keep going in spite of serious, repeated negative experiences. I once had a relationship with another alcoholic in denial (I was in denial myself at the time about my own alcoholism) who didn't wet the bed and wasn't abusive, but was a horrible communicator and it became a twisted, intense addiction for both of us, much like alcohol itself. Both of our lives looked pretty functional and even glamorous on the surface, we had high profile careers, traveled around the world, had a lot of freedom to do what we wanted, but we didn't know how to communicate like two normal human beings who respect and love each-other, it was more a seemingly endless fantasy. I didn't see it as negative back then, I though he was the love of my life (we both did) and the most interesting relationship in the world. It's very easy to see now, in retrospect, what caused that fantasy and intensity.

I like what doggonecarl said - what about your potential? You are spending it on this complicated and clearly not exactly satisfying situation, where you can't even communicate normally, while you could be with a similarly interesting person and have a great time, without these issues. I think when we are in love, sometimes we exaggerate the uniqueness of the loved one and the relationship, but in reality there are millions of great people out there who would be just as interesting and engaging, without flooding you with urine, verbal abuse and mystery.

velma929

In your posts in January were that you were going to give this man a second chance. You've seen what his level of appreciation is, and his condition is now physically deteriorating.

YOU don't like him urinating in bed, but it doesn't seem to bother HIM, and in spite of your assumption that he's embarrassed, you've not written anything that suggests he's embarrassed at all. He's still verbally abusive, not just to you but to others as well.

Heck, *everyone* has potential. This is the man he is today. This is the man who you said in January deserved a second chance. Does he deserve a third as well? And what do you deserve?

Obladi

Eve, I wish someone had told me straight out that a person who is abusive is simply abusive. It doesn't matter if it's just you or if it's everyone he knows, it doesn't matter whether he's sober or intoxicated. It doesn't matter if he's nice to his mom, is the kindest person you've ever known - sometimes, or whether he or isn't sorry about his behavior. Abuse is abuse and it is Never Ever ok.

I understand that feeling, "Everything would be perfect if he would just _______." For you, today, the blank seems to be filled in by "if he would just stop drinking." But the thing is, you don't know what he'd be like if he wasn't drinking at all. You have no idea if some other awful trait would emerge or not. All you know is that right now he is abusive and drinking to the point of passing out. And you know that's not ok with you. The only choices you have are to stay and deal with whatever comes your way or to remove yourself from the situation. Right? Can you see any other options that are within your control?

I stayed in relationships with a series of abusive men for far too long each time. All because the guy was really good at heart and everything would be perfect "if only" a certain condition would change. I hope and pray that I've learned my lesson now - that lesson being that I am good enough, decent enough, just enough. I don't deserve to be hurt by anyone. For me, that starts with not hurting myself anymore by allowing other people to hurt me.

I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation. I know how heart-wrenching that can be.

O