kamm

Hi everyone. I come here with so much shame. I had made it. I was sober and what I thought was secure in my sobriety. I had over two and a half years and my av started to creep back in. “You were so much more fun when you drank” “all of your friends drink and are fine” “you’re boring now” “you just need to relax” “when did you get so high strung?” And so many more.

Well, for those of you wondering, if only took about 3 nights before I was out of control again. I only drink to get drunk and I’ve put on weight like it’s my job. I’ve been drinking now for 2 months and I once again feel like I can’t stop. I’m so mad at myself and so frustrated with life that I’m close to just giving up.

I've found solace here more than once and I am humbly asking for help again. How do I crawl back out of this familiar hell again ? The shame and self hatred is so much.

Dee74

I'm glad you made it back Kamm - don't give up now

D

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Kamm - I remember you and of course you are welcome here once again. This time around you have a lot of experience to pull on, leverage that and you can definitely pull out of this. The shame and self-hatred is fueled by the drinking....and it's counterproductive. As hard as it seems you need to kick it to the curb and focus on getting better. Have you actually quit yet or are you still drinking?

kamm

Hey Scott. I’m still actively drinking. I know what to do I’m just not pulling out the how at the moment. Thank you for your kind words.

LadyBug66

I am so sorry you are going thru this. You quit once you can do it again. Thoughts and prayers for you.

Wayne62

I was sober for 5 years and thought I could drink normally. That was about 25 years ago. Now I'm 18 months sober. You know you have to stop, You did it once, you can do it again. Tomorrow is a new day. Day 1? You can do it!

least

I drank after 20 yrs sober. Drank for almost 3 yrs. But now I'm sober over 11 yrs. It's hard but it can be done.

advbike

It was 3 years for me, when I thought I could have a glass of wine while on a trip to Thailand. It quickly turned back into my old nightly routine, and it took me 3 more years of on and off, starting and stopping to get back here and get serious about it.

You can absolutely do it here, start reading and posting daily, join the April class and kick it to the curb. Don't mess around with it.

Surrendered19

I appreciate you coming back on SR and telling your story kamm. It really helps people like me. I'm sober 17 months and I often worry about staying healthy and sober. I am always so struck by how many people have a year or years of sobriety and then drink again. I don't want that and it helps me reject that possibility when you tell your story about how that happens.

Steely

Was same for me Kamm. Drank after 5 years and used same reasoning as yourself...didn't work for me either. . I'm now 16 months sober.

It can be done if you want it Kamm, and I know that you do.

And I know you know how.

Just do it.

brighterday1234

You did it before and you can do it again! You can get abs stay sober again 🙏

Jo43

Welcome back Kamm. You can do this! We all start on day 1 and do our best. Love and prayers

can I just ask how do I join the April class please? X

D122y

Glad you decided to stop before the hole gets any deeper.

The brain damage is permanent and insidious.

My BP spikes when I drink and booze weakens my medication for BP.

Your post helped a bunch of us push the thought of drinking off the table.

It is poison.

We here are lucky to know better.

There are other ways to "make the world go away for a while."

Thanks.

Zebra1275

Welcome back, Kamm!

I can relate to your situation. I once had 5 1/2 years of sobriety, and thought it would be ok to have a couple of beers with my steak dinner in a nice restaurant. Wrong.

In no time at all, I was back to my old level of drinking, except this time the hangovers were much worse. I would cope with them by having a couple of beers in the morning, another bad idea. I would drink for 3 or 4 days, then manage to stay sober for a couple of weeks, and then drink again for a few days. This cycle went on for a year, it was awful.

I found this website, and finally gave in and went to AA. It wasn't easy, but I managed to break the cycle. I just hit 11 years sober, so if I can do it, I believe you can too.

JustJohn

Welcome back - and as you can see, you're one more of many members of this not so exclusive club. 3 years, 7 months for me, then 13 years on and off boozing. We all seem to have had that common denominator of taking that first drink that deep down we knew would end in disaster...

OK - step one: Forgive yourself and get to work doing whatever it takes to quit. We are here for you!

Outonthetiles

I second what @advbike says . . . join a class and start fresh. When I came here in Feb 2016, I thought the "class" idea was corny. I joined the Feb 2016 class and I can say that the bonds I formed, which I continue to this very day, were instrumental in my recovery. I wouldn't have able to do it without being in a class.

You can do this. The important thing is that you've come back and posted. That's a great start.

BackandScared

It helped me. I am reaching my 2 years mark and somehow the thought of drinking has been strong for the past few days. I don't know why but I surely needed a reminder.
I hope you can make it Kamm. It is so easy to fall off the wagon and so difficult to get back on track again.

When I quit drinking I quit smoking too. When I had been 11 months smoke free I decided to smoke one cigarette. Bought the tobacco, smoke only one and threw away the rest. Obviously I repeated that operation a few times, until I was smoking my 20 a day a few weeks in. I could not find the way back. I knew the drill but couldn't make it happen again.

I finally quit again with pills. I am now about to hit my new 8 months without smoking milestone.

What I am trying to say is: you know what it takes; try to think what worked when you quit; what is it that you did differently and do it again. Or try something totally new.

The addiction is brutal. It is not enough to want to quit; you must use some tools. It is not about the goal. Most of us want to quit addictive substances. The problem is the method to get there. You must find the method and stick to it. Good luck.

Anna

Kamm, try to be kind to yourself and put down the blame/shame. Focus on what you can do today to stop drinking. You know that you can do it and you know how much better your life will be.

Dee74

How are things now Kamm?
D

Buckley3

Hey there.

It can happen to any of us.

Make sure you don't make it more of a monster than it is. Put it down. Refresh to keeping things simple. Don't drink. That's it. As you rebuild the muscle memory and confidence and shed some of the negative feelings you are experiencing now you can deal with it more effectively.

Keep you perspective where you want it. Sure, you can look at this as failure. Or you see it as an opportunity to not drink, give it a few weeks of sobriety, and then start picking away at what happened so that you continue to grow and change and create the life around you that you want to live. Think about it... in another year or so you'll just kinda look back and go - 'yea, I relapsed for x days or so, learned a ton. Life sure is better now than it was!!"

Your choice.

Best-

B

PS - Stop being mad at yourself and redirect that energy into just not drinking today. Rinse and repeat tomorrow. Self-pity is a mechanism linked to our addictive issues. I think it goes something like - we drink (or do self destruct in some way) so that we can feel bad about it, and by feeling bad about it we can make ourselves believe that we really are trying and we really must want to change because hey, we feel bad and all. It's a rationalization that distracts us from doing something useful. Problem is - during that whole wasted energy and cyclical rationalization with ourselves we're not actually doing anything about the self destruction - which will, either very suddenly and dramatically or very slowly and painfully kill us.