Day 1 (again) ! Insanity !
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 870
Day 1 (again) ! Insanity !
Well if the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and thinking you’ll get a different result .. I am the living proof of that !
My son’s father forwarded me a letter he had been sent ( by my son) from his University saying he was being given a formal warning because of poor attendance ... he hasn’t been in since March 8th !!!!!! The bigger question is what HAS he been doing as he has a tendency to hang out with petty criminals and lowlifes.
It made me reach for the wine and I went on a six day drinking spree... am now withdrawing and being sick.
When will I learn ??? :-(
My son’s father forwarded me a letter he had been sent ( by my son) from his University saying he was being given a formal warning because of poor attendance ... he hasn’t been in since March 8th !!!!!! The bigger question is what HAS he been doing as he has a tendency to hang out with petty criminals and lowlifes.
It made me reach for the wine and I went on a six day drinking spree... am now withdrawing and being sick.
When will I learn ??? :-(
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I hope this is the time you'll learn that no matter what your son does you shouldn't be the one punishing yourself for it, ICDT.
I know that on a deep level you love and worry about your son, and maybe like a lot of alcoholic parents you might even feel a level of guilt over past events, but even the courts have decreed he's been abusing you.
That's not on you, it's on him.
He's an adult. Let him lie in the bed he's made and look after yourself from now on, please.
Come here for help when you want to drink.
We'll have your back and your best interests at heart.
D
I know that on a deep level you love and worry about your son, and maybe like a lot of alcoholic parents you might even feel a level of guilt over past events, but even the courts have decreed he's been abusing you.
That's not on you, it's on him.
He's an adult. Let him lie in the bed he's made and look after yourself from now on, please.
Come here for help when you want to drink.
We'll have your back and your best interests at heart.
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi Icandothis - read your username over and over again, that message is not insanity but plain truth. Sorry to hear about your frustration. I always wonder why it is so compelling for people to discuss at great length how a relapse was associated with a particular event, why focus on that event (especially when it's related to other people, we cannot control others) instead of the fact that you picked up and how that could be avoided next time? Maybe changing this could finally snap you out of the cycles of insanity? Because, by definition, something has to change, right? I believe that's how you could learn, but most importantly, learn from the experience of reacting differently. I think change can be very empowering and rewarding, creating additional motivation to break the cycle.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Your son is doing what he does. He is walking his own road. The road may be one that brings heartache and one that you can see will cause him suffering in the long run but you do not have to suffer along with him. We cannot save other people. We are responsible for changing and saving ourselves.
It is hard to break a habit. It is hard to find a way out of addiction. Our brains like to tell us all kinds of crazy stuff but we dont have to listen to our brains (thoughts)
The only thing you can do is create a positive change in your life. If sobriety is a road that you want to walk then employ as many tools as possible to keep yourself sober. Use this forum as a tool and pick up other tools that will create change. You can do this! Your username says it all.
It is hard to break a habit. It is hard to find a way out of addiction. Our brains like to tell us all kinds of crazy stuff but we dont have to listen to our brains (thoughts)
The only thing you can do is create a positive change in your life. If sobriety is a road that you want to walk then employ as many tools as possible to keep yourself sober. Use this forum as a tool and pick up other tools that will create change. You can do this! Your username says it all.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
It made me reach for the wine and I went on a six day drinking spree
I have few couple of questions for you.
Did your 6 day bender improve your son's university performance?
And why is wine within reach?
And what's your plan going forward so that you stay sober?
I have few couple of questions for you.
Did your 6 day bender improve your son's university performance?
And why is wine within reach?
And what's your plan going forward so that you stay sober?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Welcome back ICDT. The others are correct. You are allowing yourself to be manipulated by external factors that you have no control over. You have to stop drinking over things your son does or doesn't do. He's an adult now, which means he has separated from you and makes his own decisions, for better or worse. Focus on sobriety. Be glad you have another chance to try.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Of course, you will be much better able to support your son if you are sober. However, he is on his own path and may not want you to be involved at this point. Either way, he will get through this and so will you. I hope Day 1 goes well for you. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
I'm sorry ICDT. Look at the court's order in the no-contact matter that you have on your son. I would be very surprised if your son contacting you through a third party (your ex) doesn't constitute a serious violation of the court order. Call the authorities and report it if that is the case.
Please take care of yourself. If you feel like drinking for any reason, talk about that with someone first. Here on SR or somewhere else. I think 99 times out of 100 if you simply put words to what you are feeling - telling others you sure feel like drinking - you won't drink. Trying to navigate it alone in your head is REALLY fraught, especially in early sobriety.
Hope you aren't feeling too awful today.
Please take care of yourself. If you feel like drinking for any reason, talk about that with someone first. Here on SR or somewhere else. I think 99 times out of 100 if you simply put words to what you are feeling - telling others you sure feel like drinking - you won't drink. Trying to navigate it alone in your head is REALLY fraught, especially in early sobriety.
Hope you aren't feeling too awful today.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 870
That’s great advice Surrendered ! In fact the Court Order says he can contact me via his father if it is an emergency. I stipulated that to me an emergency was either about his health or his studies, so I guess he was entitled to do that. I got a friend of mine to call his father and explain what the University letter meant (he doesn’t speak English) and she said he was exasperated as me as the boy doesn’t listen to anyone... and I mean anyone. :-(
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Your son effing off down the road and not attending school is NOT an emergency ICDT. It just isn't. Neither is his health. His health will deteriorate over time on the path he is walking and that cannot constitute an emergency or you will have him around your neck from here on out. Same with the school nonsense. If that constitutes an emergency for you, you are stuffed. Pardon my impertinence. You deserve peace and quiet.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by sortofhomecomin 
I wonder if you would consider some form of counselling as there is a repeating pattern of your relationship with your son triggering you to drink.
A counselor may be able to help you work through some of these issues and identify healthy ways to take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
I hope things start to get better for you and I suspect a big part of that will be finding new and healthy ways to cope with the situation with your son, and your feelings about this.
Counselling is an awesome idea!
Counselling is an awesome idea!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 870
Thank you everyone ! I really have to get a grip and distance myself from him. I can’t cope with any more of his shenanigans. I have counselling but he won’t engage. The last joint session we attempted, he told me and the counsellor to “go @#£& “ourselves. I am convinced he’ll be arrested and the counsellor who is truly excellent ( and was himself on the wrong side of the law when he was young) thinks the same !!
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Icandothis2013
Thank you everyone ! I really have to get a grip and distance myself from him. I can’t cope with any more of his shenanigans. I have counselling but he won’t engage. The last joint session we attempted, he told me and the counsellor to “go @#£& “ourselves. I am convinced he’ll be arrested and the counsellor who is truly excellent ( and was himself on the wrong side of the law when he was young) thinks the same !!
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