Beabetterme

Wow, so I've been lurking again but just noticed the last time I posted was in 2017. Obviously a lot has changed but also has not if that makes sense. I ended up getting a year of continuous sobriety in after a short rehab stay in 2018 for what felt like a nervous breakdown. Things with my oldest daughter got worse. She became obsessed with a boy and after they broke up was stalking him and had to be put in the hospital etc. for threatening suicide multiple times. She also made up several lies about us after running away to his family, who in turn called CPS on us and put our other three kids in a terrible situation. Everything was unfounded but she later admitted to saying those things hoping they would let her live with them so she could be closer to him even though he didn't want to be with her anymore. Her mental state deteriorated and caused a life of grief for our family unit. My mother who is a text book narcissist and was extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive my whole life was grooming her behind the scenes telling her that my husband and I are crazy and not her, she's perfect! Things started escalating and becoming worse. I still wasn't drinking though. This past year right before the pandemic started my mother kept undermining me with her to the point our daughter was basically turned against us, not listening to us and refusing to follow any sort of house rules or rules with her vehicle that we were paying for. In a heated argument I told her she should just go live with her grandmother since we are so terrible. Well she did and packed up and moved out right after we threw her a huge 18th Birthday party. I even found a journal in her room after she left saying that she was just going to use us to pay her college tuition and then never speak to us again when she graduated. We haven't spoken since she moved out last year and my mother even managed to turn my father and my husband's parents against him!!! She even called my husband's work trying to get him fired and then said my dad did it (they are divorced). We weren't invited to her graduation from high school but everyone else was and gloated about it all over facebook so we would know we weren't included. The lies swirling from her and my mother's mouth have since about broken me. Also, hearing from my other children after she moved out how she was so mean to them and hitting them etc. made me feel horrible. They were afraid to tell me when she lived in the house because she threatened them. The last few years were highly focused on her treatment and basically walking on eggshells to make her happy. It was exhausting. I hate to say that our house has been more peaceful then it ever has been and the lack of family dramatics from my mother is a nice break, although we hear all about it. But a big part of me is sad and depressed that this is how my life is. I have always wanted a big happy family but my mother has tried to ruin that from the start.

When I met my husband she instantly tried to break us up, told his parents lies so they wouldn't like me etc. We let her live with us three times as well since she had no place to go. Don't ask, I've spent my life trying to please her as well, thinking maybe she will love me if I do this. Horrible co-dependent relationship. But she finally won and is in all her glory after doing so. How my husband's parents can choose her after she wouldn't even speak to them for fifteen years because they offended her by offering her help, is beyond me. They've even been going out to dinner together. Before my father got involved in the drama he told me he met my mother for lunch because she needed money to move out of our house and asked him for some. Mind you we gave her 8 months to save and she didn't save a dime, just piled hoards of stuff all over her room and our basement. He told us it was the worst lunch of his life as all my mother did was talk about what a terrible person my mother in law is and he said he would of lost a million dollars if he had bet she would ever sit to have a meal with her. After getting the money from my dad to move out, my husband and I furnished her whole apartment and spent $100's of dollars on groceries for her every month. Put four new tires on her car and the list goes on and on. But now she tells anyone who will listen that we have never done anything for her ever and have always abused her and treated her terribly. This is just the tip of the iceberg on the whole story but it feels good to get it out, even if no one reads it. This is just such a huge thing on my mind all the time and I have so much bottled up anger, I wish I could just let it go but it's so hard after years of putting up with all of this.

Anyways, not sure why I'm having this emotional dump today. After my daughter moved out, I relapsed for a few months. Pretty badly. Then sobered up for months and had one bad night on December 22. I've been sober for 111 days today. I started seeing a therapist to talk about the horrible anxiety that has now come back full circle. I tried going back on an antidepressant that worked for me in the past, but after 4 months I feel worse, so I'm weaning off. I had become slightly agoraphobic again. I just want to feel normal and healthy and let go of what I can't change. My daughter wants nothing to do with us and I know that will not change until my mother passes away or she ever sees her for what she is, which is doubtful, even though in the past she has told me she feels sad for me the way my mother treats me. I am 100% confident I can say that I will stay sober even though I feel like my emotions and thoughts and feelings have been so bad. I never want to go back to that awful feeling of drinking. I'm glad to be here and typing an update even though it's not a great one. Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far. It has helped to get this out.

Dee74

I am sorry for all the family drama, but I’m glad you are back on track recovery wise beabetterme.
I’ve had to accept my family are who they are.I try to avoid toxic situations best I can and I know fundamentally that drinking is not a solution - me getting drunk will not change other people...but me staying sober helps me negotiate the minefield a lot better

D

Beabetterme

Thanks Dee, You are so right, drinking does not change anything but will definitely make me feel worse. I think after all these years I am finally seeing the only person I am punishing is myself. But for years I also felt like I deserved it. I grew up basically being told everything I did was wrong, so I have terrible self esteem/image issues I am working on. A big thing for me was drinking to "turn off" my brain and racing thoughts, so I think that's why my anxiety is bad. I don't know what to do with being "ON" all the time. My therapist and I have been talking about radical acceptance and it definitely has been life changing. Thanks for reading and replying

Dee74

You do get used to it - all the burbling racing mind stuff calms down...and I use what’s left in that mental energy in a positive way to help me get done what needs doing

D

OverthePanic

Wow that is a lot for anyone to deal with!! All I can say is well done on being sober for all this time and keep going, you know how bad alchohol can make anxiety and depression. You doing a great job staying sober through all of this,I'm sure your daughter will come back to you she may need to grow up some more but she will eventually, take care 🥰

Anna

Welcome back, and I'm sorry for your family situation. I think that being a mother is the hardest job ever. 111 days of sobriety is terrific and I'm glad you've found a therapist you like. I think your horrible anxiety will ease up as you continue your recovery journey. I know I used to have a very hard time dealing with anxiety which was a main cause of my drinking. But, it wasn't so much the anxiety, as the fact that I had no tools to help myself relax and understand that my anxiety didn't have to overwhelm me.

I'm glad you're back.

Beabetterme

Thank you guys. My anxiety was definitely my main cause of drinking but in return over the years it made it 100 times worse. I think I've finally learned that after all these years. Thinking about drinking at all gives me anxiety in itself.

Cascabel

I love the photo of the lilacs on your postings. It makes me think of the song by Harry Belafonte “Green Grow the Lilacs “. Memories🥲.

Anna

Yes, I'm glad you are seeing your anxiety issue more clearly now and I hope that you feel better.

Sober45

Congratulations on staying sober despite all the challenges! I'm struggling with my 19 year old girl and mental illness as well. I just overheard her talking to someone online about how easy math is...but she just got kicked of school and math was her most difficult area...WTF!?!? I wanted to say to her "if it's so easy why didn't you do it?" But I just left it alone. Mine doesn't have her license yet either because of the anxiety which is really weighing on me. It is beyond exhausting some days.

She basically goes in the opposite direction of what I say so I try to focus on leading by example and you are doing that by staying sober.

Sometime, we just have to let them be.

Wishing you all the best in your recovery.

Chohoohboo7

hi beabetterme, im in recovery again, like the saying goes, if at first you dont suceed try try again. ive been sober since march 5th 2021. i was away 3 weeks. its the people-places and thing adage. i do also am having challanges in my household, let me say everyone in my household has experienced trauma,my husband and I two big ones, just 5 years ago, my 23 yr old daughter was killed with 2 other young women, a heinous one,I have recovered to the point where im not going to let this grief control me anymore,my husband willl never recover to the point where theres life after grief,im getting side tracked sorry, my triggers are in my home especially with my husband unfortunatly, he's 84 yrs old and developparkinsons.i am having a very hard time to put me first with my recovery.i do smart recovery. workbook, started a forgiveness and gratitude and a daily journal. its very hard to have external choas around you, affecting you emotionally and working on recovery. you know what i try to do every day, i have a sign in my bathroom, and my car, JUST FOR TODAY I WILL SET MY BOUNDARIES WITH Y HUSBAND AND BE PROACTIVE INSTEAD OF REACTIVE thats a good one right and BE DETERMINED AND VIGILANT. its a struggle, affirmations, affirmations!!! we all dont come home to a fairy land life. my husband has cognitive memory decline, he doesnt give me any kind of motivation, confidence to keep going, that messes me up big time, like a sort of resentnent and he is and always will be my angel, but i have to DISCONNECT from him, its very sad for me to have to think and act in those terms, but you bea, its my salvation for a sucessful recovery. with a complex household,i cant worry about this ones life or that ones life, it is what it is with them. taking that backseat isnt easy bea, i constently practice taking that backseat, what evers going to be will be.like i say out loud or to my self,NOT GETTING INTO IT.that saying is a life saver sometimes, cause I COME FIRST NOW.being sober i notice that general responsibilitys are a challange.as before, i let the whole world go, you know what i mean. im gonna stop here, all i can say to you is learn to be proactive 7\with yourelf for your self, you cant a problem solver for anybody. like my younger says to me, they have to learn lifes lessons on their own, good ,bad or indifferent, believe me,i would love to intervene seeing what goes on with my young adults but its like talking to the cats. please be brave, you are strong to put yourself first, its a matter of life of death, i hope i didnt ramble to much and some things hit home. blessings to you and yours

Dee74

Hi and welcome Chohoohboo7

I'm very sorry for your loss and your husbands decline, but I'm glad you have found us.
This is a place of great support

D

D122y

Sorry for your loss.

Relapsing while on meds is out of my wheelhouse.

I have been clean a while and take bp meds. If i stop taking them, i feel pretty messed up because my veins contract and my bp climbs.

Keep coming back here because this place is the only one I know where I can get support and some answers. Support is the main thing because the medical stuff is not allowed for obvious reasons.

I used to cross the line sometimes, but these days I am better at it.

Thanks.