whitejay

Hello everyone !
I thought I was tough and could do this sober life all alone. Nope No Way
Im desperate.....

Hawkeye13

Glad to see you again whitejay

Libby06

Hi Whitejay. Sometimes we have to do the research. Now that you know better, you can do better. I'm glad you are here.

whitejay

I'm glad I'm here too.
thanks for the warm return
my friends 😔 I am just so baffled by it all....it drives me insane that I cant stop.
I've tried everything, books, AA, rehab 56 days, mind control, reading trying to understand why......Im so sad.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back whitejay. I was pretty baffled too, for years. Not sure if will help you or not, but for me a key breakthrough was accepting the fact that I will likely never "figure out" why I am an alcoholic. Millions and millions of people have tried to do so over the centuries, but at the end of the day no one really has a concrete answer ( or even a muddy one ) as to why some people are addicts and some are not. Maybe someday we will, but for me the real path to peace was simply accepting that I am they way I am when it comes to Alcohol. AKA: I have a choice - and if I choose to drink, bad things will always happen no matter what.

That's not to suggest that working with others to find a new way to live is wrong - far from it. I tried to go on my own many times and it never worked, so whether you seek an online community or a local one to aid in your recovery, I think that's a good thing. And to be honest it doesn't really matter what your plan is - but you need to have one to follow. I hope we can help you form one.

nez

Good to see you whitejay. Yeah, I also thought i could do it alone. That left me in the company of a guy with very little experience at staying sober and whose advice had qualified me for my spot on these forums in the first place.

Mizz

Well said, Scott. Very pragmatic.
Welcome Back, Whitejay. We are here for you. Lean on this community. We got you!

Libby06

I've heard it said that genetics loads the gun, but environment pulls the trigger. We can't change our genetics, in my case I believe that is my "why", so the question is off the table for me. I no longer waste time trying to "figure it out".

Environment...I can change my environment. Not just outside of my house, friends etc. My internal environment as well. What causes me to drink...my headspace. Am I tired, lonely, bored, sad, hungry angry? I address those issues and find a non drinking activity. Any activity that is so far from what I would do while drinking. .

Deep down to the core of my being, I had to admit to myself that I am no longer qualified to drink, EVER. It never goes well, and it never will.

For me, I went to AA and surrounded myself with people who did not drink ever. I really paid attention to what they were doing instead of drinking and how they dealt with life. I see that AA did not work for you, and thats OK. There are plenty of other options.

Choice by choice, minute by minute, day by day is the way to achieve long term sobriety.

DriGuy

Why do you want to do it alone?

whitejay

thanks you guys....I dont know if you remember, but I have purposely made my life as a loner. Dont know why. Maybe because I can hide things better when I have no one. Its made for a very lonely life...
so true Scott: if I drink bad things will ALWAYS happen.
and it always comes true.
But of course at the time, I think Im having a Blast...
delusional.
thank you all for talking with me...Im in bad shape.

whitejay

Its gotten to where if I dont succeed I will probably make sure it ends another way....this is not living.
this is hell....

anxiousrock

Welcome back!

Steely

And in sobriety "bad things will not ALWAYS happen" whitejay, things will always get better. You know this.

Are you still drinking?

whitejay

Hi Steely.....my last drink was at 4am....its now 11am
I feel demoralized.
I have got to win this battle.
I cant keep living like this in a constant state of despair
a hellhole. I am thinking of extreme measures like locking myself up and throwing away the key.
I feel I have tried everything for 10 years and NOTHING.
I cant go on.....

ScottFromWI

Perhaps if you start thinking about it as a choice rather than a battle that you need to "win" that might help. That's where acceptance really comes in - if you truly do accept your addiction for what it is, there is essentially nothing to fight against any more. Right now, you are essentially fighting a battle to be able to drink without consequences, which is indeed one you will never win. I fought that battle for decades and tried every "Moderation" method there was - I even invented some of my own.

What I found in this community was a large number of people who were just like me. I also became involved with some local recovery groups for a while, and it was the same thing there. Each group has a different way of going about things, but in the end every single one of them has the same goal.

biminiblue

Yeah, it doesn't have to be a battle. Throw the white flag. Give up. Admit it beat you. That's actually a freeing stance when you give up the fight.


Then just get through the days. I would suggest finding some people somewhere. A hobby, a sport, AA meetings, church, a counselor, a volunteer position, posting regularly here on this site.

All of the above.

The little nagging voice that tells you to drink? Ignore it, don't engage with it, it quiets down. It does take time, though. Give it six months to a year. Don't give up before you get to the finish line. In AA they say, "Don't give up before the Miracle happens," and it will - but it takes some time of continuous abstinence.

whitejay

You are right...I try and try and try again to drink without consequences.
The night always ends up the same way =scary people places and things !
I like your analogy to not look at it as a battle, but a choice. thank you

Gabe1980

Welcome back WJ. I have just gone through the same thing and I can't do it alone either. My thinking just doesn't stay in the right place without checking in with others. We lucky we can come back and be so welcome! It a Big and positive step x

advbike

Hi, Whitejay, welcome back! I agree with Scott. We have to just accept that we can't drink. Not one. It makes things so much simpler, too.

It's not a mystery why, when you look at the science - the midbrain wants the buzz so it keeps sending messages, craving a drink, and as soon as we have a drink or two, the frontal lobes lose their ability to have a say in moderating things. Result = chaos for many of us. It's not some sort of mystery. But if you get sober for more than a week the physical cravings end and then the AV starts working on us. It becomes more mental, as you know. This is why we need to stay close to a support system, in order to get through that mental game. The good news is with time and experience, the AV diminishes.

Whitejay, anytime you start thinking you can do it on your own - your AV is talking to you. I have seen you come on and post for awhile, then disappear, and I always wonder why you choose not to stay closer to the community. But I realize your AV was talking to you. The community here will help you with that, and getting through the difficulties of early sobriety. At least for the first 6 months or year. In any case there's certainly no need at all to be distressed about it because life in sobriety is far more interesting and rewarding. You just have to allow yourself get there.

It's like driving to another state. First we have to get out of the city, with all the potholes, obstacles, congestion and twists and turns. You wouldn't try to do it without some sort of assistance - a map, or Google, or a NAV system, right? Well, that is our sober community. And once you get to the highway, with the help of your navigational aid, then it's pretty much smooth sailing. Once in a while an obstacle still will pop up (a life event) but with the help of your "navigational system" you can safely and efficiently be re-routed around it and continue on your (sober) journey.

whitejay

I think I go away and come back and go away again
because I lived my entire life like that. " Depend on No One - Trust No One"...
Its a sad lonely life I have created - A monster..
and now Im reaping what I sowed.....I have never been sober longer than 5 days in a row...thanks for all your help my friends.