I've Been Gone A Long Time. Thought I Could Do It
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,557
Whitejay - I'm so glad you decided to come back & talk about what's going on. I was only able to get free when I admitted drinking could never, ever be fun or a good time - or an answer to any problem. I clung to it for many years, always seeking the comfort I once seemed to get from it. Each time I tried to use willpower it led me into danger & chaos. It took me a long time to let go - I had to be thoroughly disgusted with myself. Sounds like you're at that point.
You aren't alone in this - you have us. We may not be there in person, but we're your friends all the same.
You can do it.
You aren't alone in this - you have us. We may not be there in person, but we're your friends all the same.
You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,479
Originally Posted by whitejay 
Its gotten to where if I dont succeed I will probably make sure it ends another way....this is not living.
this is hell....
this is hell....
I was aIone by choice so no one couId see me.
And then devastated and frightened and it was just enough.
I know you can do this.
And the first thing that I suggest is getting on SR EVERY DAY.
Making that commitment meant that I wouId never have to be aIone again.
And once we Iet peopIe in, Iife changes.
And then it is aII possibIe.
s ❤️
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Originally Posted by whitejay
I think I go away and come back and go away again
because I lived my entire life like that. " Depend on No One - Trust No One"...
Its a sad lonely life I have created - A monster..
and now Im reaping what I sowed.....I have never been sober longer than 5 days in a row...thanks for all your help my friends.
because I lived my entire life like that. " Depend on No One - Trust No One"...
Its a sad lonely life I have created - A monster..
and now Im reaping what I sowed.....I have never been sober longer than 5 days in a row...thanks for all your help my friends.
We're here every day - you have no need to do this alone WJ
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,578
It's a strange paradox that once we surrender whitejay we are set free.
You are just like the rest of us whitejay. Hold the white flag high. It's the ensign of freedom.
The evidence is clear that moderation is not going to work for you, just as for me and the rest of the flag bearers here.
Rock on whitejay it's not as hard as you think once you find the acceptance. At last.
Can you see an addictions counsellor? AA? Smart? Being in face to face contact with others who are facing same can help enormously. Keep you focussed.
You are not alone.
You are just like the rest of us whitejay. Hold the white flag high. It's the ensign of freedom.
The evidence is clear that moderation is not going to work for you, just as for me and the rest of the flag bearers here.
Rock on whitejay it's not as hard as you think once you find the acceptance. At last.
Can you see an addictions counsellor? AA? Smart? Being in face to face contact with others who are facing same can help enormously. Keep you focussed.
You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi whitejay, I remember one of your older threads. How is your general mental health now, any improvement except the fact you continued to drink? Whatever though, it would most certainly get better if you found a way to stay stopped. If you find SR helpful, by all means use it as much as you need or would like!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Yes, acceptance is the key to success. I had to accept that drinking would always turn out badly for me and would bring nothing but misery and trouble.
Keep trying until you 'get it'.
Keep trying until you 'get it'.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
No matter how good of an idea it was at the time you made the decision, whitejay, isolation is hurting you. It's as though you were punishing yourself. When you talk to yourself, argue with yourself, you get on a continuous loop of self-criticism. I would feel crazy too. It's one-sided; no one's there to advocate on your behalf.
I've had a difficult time reaching out for help. It's not what people did when I was growing up. And, according to the conventional wisdom of the time, if you asked someone for help it would "reflect badly" on your parents. I don't know that any of us are built to go through this alone.
I have no idea what getting yourself to ask for help would mean for you, what it would take for you to do this. Without saying it in the same words, this is the thing you've identified as a major obstacle in your staying sober.
Things have never gotten worse for me whenever I've asked for help, and most times it makes things better. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
I've had a difficult time reaching out for help. It's not what people did when I was growing up. And, according to the conventional wisdom of the time, if you asked someone for help it would "reflect badly" on your parents. I don't know that any of us are built to go through this alone.
I have no idea what getting yourself to ask for help would mean for you, what it would take for you to do this. Without saying it in the same words, this is the thing you've identified as a major obstacle in your staying sober.
Things have never gotten worse for me whenever I've asked for help, and most times it makes things better. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hi Whitejay,
Welcome back! I’m so glad you decided to come here and post. The biggest part of my recovery was coming here every day and reading and posting. I joined several monthly classes, the one that finally stuck was January of 2016, I stuck with it, posted in there and on numerous other threads daily. I checked in here a lot. I made sure drinking was not an option, it is really quite simple, but certainly not easy.
Why don’t you join the April of 2021 class, you will be surrounded by others who have committed or recommitted to recovery this month. Another great thread is the 24 Hour Recovery Thread, you can check in and commit to remain sober for the next 24 hours. I also made sure to get outdoors for a walk each day, I still do, it helps me clear my head of whatever may currently be causing me stress, and just makes me feel better. Plan out ways to occupy that time you would have been drinking, keep yourself glued to this site if you need to. Also, get rid of all the alcohol you have in the house.
You can do this White Jay, and you are worth it, you deserve the chance to live a beautiful, sober life.
❤️ Delilah
Welcome back! I’m so glad you decided to come here and post. The biggest part of my recovery was coming here every day and reading and posting. I joined several monthly classes, the one that finally stuck was January of 2016, I stuck with it, posted in there and on numerous other threads daily. I checked in here a lot. I made sure drinking was not an option, it is really quite simple, but certainly not easy.
Why don’t you join the April of 2021 class, you will be surrounded by others who have committed or recommitted to recovery this month. Another great thread is the 24 Hour Recovery Thread, you can check in and commit to remain sober for the next 24 hours. I also made sure to get outdoors for a walk each day, I still do, it helps me clear my head of whatever may currently be causing me stress, and just makes me feel better. Plan out ways to occupy that time you would have been drinking, keep yourself glued to this site if you need to. Also, get rid of all the alcohol you have in the house.
You can do this White Jay, and you are worth it, you deserve the chance to live a beautiful, sober life.
❤️ Delilah
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Hey, whitejay. Thinking of you.
Lots of words of encouragement here. Great people on this site.
I hope you'll keep engaging, it doesn't get much safer than this forum. I get it with the difficulty in trusting people. People are complicated, damaged, flawed, and need lots of forgiveness.
I had to forgive myself first and foremost and then pre-forgive others. This is something I clipped off the internet many years ago and it's good for me to remember:
Lots of words of encouragement here. Great people on this site.
I hope you'll keep engaging, it doesn't get much safer than this forum. I get it with the difficulty in trusting people. People are complicated, damaged, flawed, and need lots of forgiveness.
I had to forgive myself first and foremost and then pre-forgive others. This is something I clipped off the internet many years ago and it's good for me to remember:
Build grace
I encourage people to adopt an advanced form of forgiveness, what I call grace. To prepackage forgiveness and set it on the shelf, in anticipation of a future hurtful action from someone who matters to you : a spouse, partner, child, parent or co-worker. When we've already forgiven others for future offenses, we bypass the formation of grudges altogether.
I encourage people to adopt an advanced form of forgiveness, what I call grace. To prepackage forgiveness and set it on the shelf, in anticipation of a future hurtful action from someone who matters to you : a spouse, partner, child, parent or co-worker. When we've already forgiven others for future offenses, we bypass the formation of grudges altogether.
Seeking wisdom
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 259
Hello my friends. I just read all your posts over and over, so much resonated in each one. I want you all to know I take your words seriously and do try to remember them through out my day. I have had a strange major trigger my whole life. I will tell you about it: I worked hard every day, my favorite thing in the entire world was to wake up early before the world was awake and get alcohol, get in my car and drive for hours in the desert...the warm wind, my sunroof open, no cars, no noise, no concrete, no people, no limitations on how far or wide or long I could drive. Into the sunrise, and then into the sunset at night. I would go so far I would get lost in my happiness and peace. Sometimes I would have a boyfriend with me and my dog - other times I would be alone - it didnt matter, what mattered was the calmness the desert brings. The farther I drove into that deep desert (sometimes Death Valley, sometimes around Palm Springs) I was happy. Just for that moment. By the time I got home I was coming down from the alcohol, back in reality of work the next day, and back with all the bills and reality. I would be in a horrible state within the 2 hours it took driving home,
I now live on the East Coast. I cant even begin to tell you the vast difference between the West and East coast. The people, the pace, the geography, the architecture, the seasons, the beach. The people are indifferent, the mountains are gone, the city is old.
Maybe just maybe I should start by moving back to the West coast - but in all reality I know in my heart it will be the same there. Until I surrender to this awful genetic monster - I will forever be unhappy.
Thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts and writing to me. xxoo
I now live on the East Coast. I cant even begin to tell you the vast difference between the West and East coast. The people, the pace, the geography, the architecture, the seasons, the beach. The people are indifferent, the mountains are gone, the city is old.
Maybe just maybe I should start by moving back to the West coast - but in all reality I know in my heart it will be the same there. Until I surrender to this awful genetic monster - I will forever be unhappy.
Thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts and writing to me. xxoo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Originally Posted by whitejay
Hello my friends. I just read all your posts over and over, so much resonated in each one. I want you all to know I take your words seriously and do try to remember them through out my day. I have had a strange major trigger my whole life. I will tell you about it: I worked hard every day, my favorite thing in the entire world was to wake up early before the world was awake and get alcohol, get in my car and drive for hours in the desert...the warm wind, my sunroof open, no cars, no noise, no concrete, no people, no limitations on how far or wide or long I could drive. Into the sunrise, and then into the sunset at night. I would go so far I would get lost in my happiness and peace. Sometimes I would have a boyfriend with me and my dog - other times I would be alone - it didnt matter, what mattered was the calmness the desert brings. The farther I drove into that deep desert (sometimes Death Valley, sometimes around Palm Springs) I was happy. Just for that moment. By the time I got home I was coming down from the alcohol, back in reality of work the next day, and back with all the bills and reality. I would be in a horrible state within the 2 hours it took driving home,
I now live on the East Coast. I cant even begin to tell you the vast difference between the West and East coast. The people, the pace, the geography, the architecture, the seasons, the beach. The people are indifferent, the mountains are gone, the city is old.
Maybe just maybe I should start by moving back to the West coast - but in all reality I know in my heart it will be the same there. Until I surrender to this awful genetic monster - I will forever be unhappy.
Thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts and writing to me. xxoo
I now live on the East Coast. I cant even begin to tell you the vast difference between the West and East coast. The people, the pace, the geography, the architecture, the seasons, the beach. The people are indifferent, the mountains are gone, the city is old.
Maybe just maybe I should start by moving back to the West coast - but in all reality I know in my heart it will be the same there. Until I surrender to this awful genetic monster - I will forever be unhappy.
Thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts and writing to me. xxoo
You are right though, you will take your problems with you.
Is there an alternative where you are? Somewhere that would give you the same feeling of space but without the booze. Hiking or the ocean??
Seeking wisdom
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 259
I am laughing a little Gabe1980....I was sitting here reading your post, contemplating - I looked up at your location and I see Scotland....
The only place I have ever told anyone I want to visit is Scotland. See, I have never been on vacation, nor taken a plane to any place except coming here.
In the past month I have been researching the land, sites, etc...Its so beautiful, it draws me in. You are blessed.....
The only place I have ever told anyone I want to visit is Scotland. See, I have never been on vacation, nor taken a plane to any place except coming here.
In the past month I have been researching the land, sites, etc...Its so beautiful, it draws me in. You are blessed.....
Seeking wisdom
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 259
[QUOTE. Hiking or the ocean??[/QUOTE]
I live right on the sand at the ocean - its definitely peaceful, I just need to open my eyes to the goodness in people and be grateful for what I have accomplished which allowed me the freedom to live on the water. Gratitude - its hard to see the good. I probably learned that in childhood.
I live right on the sand at the ocean - its definitely peaceful, I just need to open my eyes to the goodness in people and be grateful for what I have accomplished which allowed me the freedom to live on the water. Gratitude - its hard to see the good. I probably learned that in childhood.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Originally Posted by whitejay
I am laughing a little Gabe1980....I was sitting here reading your post, contemplating - I looked up at your location and I see Scotland....
The only place I have ever told anyone I want to visit is Scotland. See, I have never been on vacation, nor taken a plane to any place except coming here.
In the past month I have been researching the land, sites, etc...Its so beautiful, it draws me in. You are blessed.....
The only place I have ever told anyone I want to visit is Scotland. See, I have never been on vacation, nor taken a plane to any place except coming here.
In the past month I have been researching the land, sites, etc...Its so beautiful, it draws me in. You are blessed.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Originally Posted by whitejay
[QUOTE. Hiking or the ocean??
Well....living on the ocean is a blessed place to be too. Gratitude is something I am working on too. I think us addicts get fixated on the negatives, the losses and the dreams of better.
I have been working on reframing certain things - there is so much in the way of opportunity and so many things to open our eyes too. I am guilty of not seeing! Things can change x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
If I can make a suggestion and you are free enough: go and live in an environment you enjoy, that works for you and makes you satisfied. But maybe not the same environment (at least to start) where you used to drink constantly, that can present challenging triggers. I would definitely vibe with those trips to the desert and would very much enjoy the same BTW, but without the alcohol. I live on the East Coast and like it here, but spent many vacations on road trips in the West and love the atmosphere of the deserts (and many other peaceful pieces of nature).
Try to be safe and keep others safe!
Try to be safe and keep others safe!
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