Vik88

I wanted to date. but i cant do that during my prolem with booze. anybody here feel the same?

Dee74

I think a lot of us did but any relationship I had was doomed to failure when I put my relationship with booze ahead of it.

The best relationships of my life have been sober ones.
Get sober, stay sober and then you can look at dating again Vik

D

Anna

It's probably best to get some serious sober time, Vik. There will be lots of time for dating.

gypsytears

Working on your relationship with yourself first wouldn’t be a bad choice right now .

least

Work on making yourself the best person you can be, then, when you're ready to date, you'll be offering your best self.

Libby06

Definitely get some sober time first. We inflict so much damage on innocent bystanders while we are drinking.

Surrendered19

Vik, if what you are saying is that in your noggin, you cannot separate relationships and dating from booze, and that accordingly you are not ready for new relationships or dates, I completely agree with your observations.

BeABetterMan

I could write a book on this topic, and it would be a doozy. But if you want to read the first and last pages to save some time it would readd

1. I tried it A LOT.
2. Relationships are a huge trigger and 100% DOOMED TO FAILURE if you don’t have serious sober time behind you.

The sober time isn’t about time. It’s about working through so many new emotions and learning to cope with regular old life without your pacifier. Never mind the complexities of liking someone or loving someone. Then throw some sex in there and it is basically a minefield. The sober mind/heart will look for a different person then the sick/drinking mind/heart will seek too.

advbike

Give it some time, then find a non-drinker to date. It makes things so much easier. No temptation (to drink, haha).

Delilah1

Give yourself some time first, BABM sums up how all over our emotions are in early sobriety, let yourself work through those first, and then when you are feeling ready you will know.

EndGameNYC

As I was reading this I was treated to an image of a live hand grenade just as it began to explode in a small room with a lot of people.

anxiousrock

Personally I think dating is fine. You can be sober and in a relationship.
be upfront with the person and if they respect you I don't see how it could even be an issue.
remember HALT. The L is lonely. If you're lonely - dating really does help.
But I know literally everyone else is against it, and I truly don't understand that. Everyone has the right to be with someone else if they want to be.

brighterday1234

In my experience if you place your sobriety as no1 priority in your life and live your best life in recovery then the romantic side of life will take care of itself.

biminiblue

Is it "dating" you want? Or someone or something to take away your boredom or fear and to be a distraction? Or a real grown-up selfless, caring relationship? Or sex?


I think figuring all that out takes a lot of serious sober thought. It's really easy to get in too far too fast when still drinking. There's no rush, right? Another person doesn't make things easier necessarily.

Aellyce

I have not had an interest in dating for a while now but have similar thoughts to bimini's. I think people vary a lot in how fit they are for relationships, but one thing is generally true I believe: substance abuse plays havoc one one's sense of boundaries, even if the person have a pretty good background for this otherwise. So I said no interest in dating, but I can mentally engage in all sorts of useless fantasies while drinking heavily or a couple weeks sober, and sometimes it led to seemingly not-so-harmful, but still distracting and disruptive complications in my life and/or in others' life. And it's not surprising that, for many people, substance addictions and relationship troubles co-exist intimately - these things all affect the same reward pathways in the brain and associated perceptions. Of course genuine, mutually caring, love relationships are much more (and much healthier) than addictions, but the fact is that long-term substance misuse usually disrupts these mechanisms, and this can manifest in multiple ways, including excessive desire for things we would not consider healthy or even wanted under more normal circumstances, sometimes even just a few weeks into recovery.

It's well-known that sex is one of the strongest drives and reinforcers known to man (and animals), it makes perfect sense, it exists to maintain the species. So maybe that, and other romantic elements, are indeed good to avoid for a while in early recovery. I don't subscribe to a year or any specified universal timeline or suggestion, just take a breather before engaging in something very consuming and involving again. If it's just a desire for human connection and interaction, I personally would rather opt for new friendships and would make that very clear. If someone does not respect that (I ran into many people like that throughout my life) and keep pushing, I would make them go - no one is really that unique and there are plenty of great people on this Earth, no need to grab every opportunity and/or act out every desire IMO. I think good boundaries are very important in every relationship, including romantic ones, so it's healthy to wait for a situation where that can be achieved naturally and effortlessly.

lessgravity

Just a voice of a different experience here, maybe not relevant for the OP but for others reading this post. I got sober in the aftermath of a divorce, while falling in love, getting engaged, married and having children. I started my own business. I righted my fking ship and did the work. Although I understand the tendency to avoid certain things during early sobriety, there are times when we have no choice but to continue wading into and through the difficulties, opportunities, setbacks and victories that are essential to the fiber of life. I did it, I'm not special, it can be done.

Vik88

lessgravity, great to hear.
sex is so far from it. might be abit closer to the emotional thing. so i'm thinking of trying to get my mind back together and just wait a few months or more. sex isn't a trigger here, way too old fashioned when it comes to it all. so i fall into the emotional thing, so that's why it's obviously best that i wait a while.

freedomfries

I had a boyfriend once. But there were three or us in the relationship, me him and the bottle. Unfortunately I chose the bottle too many times and he dumped me.

I think if I were going to date again, I'd want to be a year minimum sober.

Vik88

I will do that. planning on getting better.

Vik88

I'd like to thank you all, working on myself and not wanting to bring some of my problems into a relationship, it will take several months but i hope that you are there to give me guidance.