WindPines

Hey all, hope you're having a nice weekend.

I've been sober for a little over a month.
I just heard about a wedding that's happening today. The wedding is for two people that I used to have superficial conversations with at the bar that I went to. I quit going to that bar just about two years ago, and for some reason am feeling a bit left out, or alone since hearing about the wedding. The folks that are attending are big drinkers, and there are other substances involved as well. I was just on the phone with one of the people that I still communicate with, who I know from there. She was getting ready to head to the bar to meet the people that she's riding with. The person driving her is another friend who I sometimes hear from. From what I gathered, there are going to be LOTS of people there. During Covid, I probably wouldn't even want to go anyway.
The memories that are flooding in are ones of happiness, and fun. They all drain into a black out though, or to somewhere that I wouldn't want to be anymore.

There's another friend of mine who is taking her daughter and husband horseback riding today. It's a beautiful day for it. I don't associate drinking with neither her or her husband. Our kids go to the same school, and we've been friends for long over a decade, way before we had any kids! They drink, but it's not the center of their universe like the wedding friends. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm calling any of these people my friends anymore. In reality, they're all just people that I used to know.
Point being about the horse back riding is that they didn't invite my daughter and I.
Point about the wedding is that I didn't get invited.

None of these people know that I've quit drinking.
It was most always this way - I was rarely ever invited anywhere with these people even when I was drinking. I never let anyone get to know me, and I was always a weirdo. I never felt bad about it, or so I thought. Now that I'm sober, I can feel everything, and I'm feeling pretty down about it all!

I've been staying with my parents since my hospital stay, which was a bit over a month ago. Tonight is actually the first night that I won't be staying with them because they're going down to their boat, and I'm at home.
Maybe I'm feeling a bit lonely.
Tomorrow is Easter, so I'm going to church for the first time in years. I haven't been to a service in maybe 9 or 10 years. The church that I contacted told me to stick around afterward for an Easter egg hunt for my kiddo. It'll be nice for her, and for me!
I keep thinking about that. If I were to go to the wedding, I'd be drunk. Ever since I quit drinking in February, I don't want to drink. Which means I actually wouldn't even want to go to the wedding! I feel very contradictory right now, sorry!
I am SO grateful, and so excited that I am not drinking today. We'll be able to attend church tomorrow morning. What a gift!

Thanks you guys. Your support means the world right now.

Vik88

Means alot to me too, i still got a cross in my hand that soothes me .. Glad i got friends like you here

doggonecarl

Pretty much defines early sobriety. Emotional, sensitive, introspective.

Glad you hear you are still sober!

advbike

Great thoughts and analysis WindPines. Like you, I do not feel left out at all these days, don't miss any of those social drinking situations, and don't care what people think about me. The opinion of folks like that matters not. I live a good life with many adventures in real life, not on a barstool. I have a few close friends, the kind who will be there if you need them, and that is enough. It is so much more rewarding.

Anna

Yeah, early recovery is a minefield and very confusing. Of course, you're missing people that you used to socialize with. And, on one hand you'd like to have gotten a wedding invitation, but you know it would be a mistake to go and try to stay sober - and of course, the covid issue. And, I relate to you saying people didn't really get to know you. I was like that, too, because I was too insecure to be myself. It's a catch-22 isn't it! I couldn't be myself because of insecurity and yet I wondered why people don't call me.

Take some time to get to know yourself and gradually put yourself out there. Going to Church and to the Easter egg hunt afterwards could be a good place to start chatting with people.

DriGuy

I understand the push pull of the wedding, and the emotions involved. My best friends were not big drinkers, so I didn't have the problem. Most of the people I had to let go were the kind of friends you are talking about, and not all that close, and it was definitely not in my plan to hang with those types. The risk was just too high. Not a big loss. There was one close friend who I had to break with, not completely, but the friendship was certainly compromised. We had been close for 30 years, so there was a little sadness there. On the other hand, I was so happy to be totally committed to never drinking again that the joy in my commitment outweighed any negatives.

At some point, this conversation will strike you as one of those, "What was that all about?" moments.

Red78

Windpines this is exactly how I feel. I'm that weirdo also lol When I was a teenager I was never invited to hang outside of school with the girls I hung out with in school and I found it hard to make friends and was never the one that got invited to places. Even as a 43 Yr old I hardly have any friends and get lonely.

I am starting to realise that the reasons I started drinking were to calm my social anxiety and to stop feeling so alone.

And as for the wedding, would you really wanna go and watch all those people that you know through drinking get drunk whilst you stay sober? Not too much fun really...

I think we need to learn how to be ourselves in our own skin, not in alcohols skin and be comfortable with being who we are even we are a little weird..

Dee74

I lost a lot of acquaintances and drinking buddies - but I gained (and regained) some true friends - you will too WP

D