WindPines

Good morning, are there enough slashes in my title? Haha

My child's father has gotten her for an overnight at least a couple dozen times in the past five years. We have no custody agreement. He swoops in whenever is convenient for him, and it seems as if when someone is in town that he is trying to impress. I've worried EVERY single time that she has gone with him. As far as I know, he is an active alcoholic. I heard through the grapevine lately that he has quit drinking. I don't know that for a fact. I've tried communicating with him for seven years, but it's futile. He continues to manipulate and abuse me, so the times when he is out of the picture (the majority of the time,) I'm thankful, and safe from his abuse.
Even when he has her in his care, I've texted him to check on her, and he says the most outlandish and verbally abusive things toward me, never letting me know how she is doing.

I have attempted custody agreements, and went to court in the past. I've hired lawyers. It's always the same thing. I've even proved that he was abusive to me, and neglectful toward my daughter. The judge said, word for word, "he is of no threat to you or your daughter." He's an ex cop. I always wonder if that has anything to do with the court's decision.

All of that being said, I'm grateful that she is always happy and excited to go with him. She doesn't know what a narcissistic and terrible human he is. He definitely puts on a facade around other folks. He has a girlfriend of longer than a year now. She has spread rumors about me, from what I've heard. I don't take any of that to heart. My daughter says that she really likes the girlfriend, so that's all I hope for.
It's only an overnight, but you guys, it's the first time she'll be gone where I'm not going to drink. It's the first time she'll be in his care when I'm in recovery. It's a very fragile time in my life regardless of whether she is with him or not, so I'm a bit on edge.
I've planned out some things for today, for after she goes with him. If it's raining and I don't get to go on a walk with a girlfriend that I made during my hospital stay last month, I'm going to the gym. Afterward, (hopefully no rain,) I'm going to work in my garden, and sketch out how I'm going to design it this year. This afternoon, a good friend and I are going to the movie theatre for the first time in over a year. This evening, if I can't find a face to face AA meeting, I'm going to come back to my folk's house, where I've been staying at night, and watch TV and just relax.

I hope you all have a lovely day, and thank you so much for being here on this site. You all are inspirations to me. Have a nice weekend.

advbike

I'm sorry her father is abusive, and he also sounds really manipulative, but I'm glad you're sober WIndPines. Try not to worry. You're doing the right thing by making plans for a productive and sober weekend. Make sure you wear a mask in the theatre!

Anna

I'm sorry that you have had no luck dealing with the courts. My suggestion would be to document everything, just in case, to be prepared. I think the fact your daughter likes spending time with her father and that she likes your ex's girlfriend is really important. Keep the lines of communication open with your daughter so that if anything happens, you know she will talk to you.

Erica375

How are you today, WindPines?

Steely

These are the tentative steps we undertake when choosing sobriety. Life on life's terms. I'm facing a few of life's trials at the moment and it seems to be be paying off simply by being sober. It surprised me. Makes me stronger, ready for the next time better equipped. Hopefully they'll be good times in between. Sober can be fun too.

Did she want to go?

He can't just turn up whenever. You need to have 'access' defined in law otherwise things can get really messy.

If she is not at risk I'd just go with it (now) and expect her home soon. 💕 But I'd be seeing a lawyer to have it set up properly. He's still being controlling.

Just don't drink. First law of sanity.

You can do this.

Edit: Just saw that your daughter was excited to go with her father. Don't think this enough to not have orders set tho.

I don't understand. I thought the courts were compelled to make a ruling on 'access'?

lessgravity

I'm sorry you have to go through this, especially in early sobriety but I also have to say I was in very very similar waters in my early sobriety as well. It sounds like you are doing the absolute right thing with plans to fill time and be with your parents. That's great. You can go to be sober with the awesome feeling that you are in control and you will wake up knowing you are making the changes to your life that will benefit your daughter for the rest of her life. Focus on those good feelings and let the urges pass over you. Congrats on your sober time. You got this.