Staying sober when SO keeps accusing you of being drunk when you aren't.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Chrisclare00 
I dont get why he's baiting me. He says if I drink im done and he wants the me back from before..
I would offer a suggestion to you - print out both of the threads that you have started here and contact a woman's shelter in your area. Let the intake counsellor or social worker ( if they have one ) read it. It will be confidential. This forum is a great place to find support for recovery from addiction - and in many ways, the situation of not being able to leave an abusive relationship is very similar to addiction. But in your particular case, you are on the verge of violent threats and definite mental abuse. You could greatly benefit from help from someone that can directly intervene in your daily domestic situation - in my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 2
I once had a counsellor tell me that there was going to be an end. It could be a hard, quick end right now, or a long and ugly end, but it was going to end. Which way would I prefer? She was right, although I chose the long and brutal way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 2,698
Gosh. You've got so much going on. I'm glad your here and posting. Keep reaching out and connecting. Recovery from alcohol is not linear and recovery from abuse isn't either. On top of this you have a lil one dependant on you. Lots going on. One foot in front of the other. You really can do this. I think the main thing you need to get through is the fear. I liked the post about it ending quick and ugly or drawn out and ugly (often the drawn out way is uglier btw). You need to be gentle with yourself too, as in not allowing him to convince you your worthless or unworthy of motherhood. You are strong and you can do hard things. Childbirth, natural or medically assisted is HARD WORK. Motherhood is hard work in the best of circumstances and I bet you look after you daughter really well. Your doing well. You may be flawed but you don't deserve this. You seem like a thoughtful and compassionate person. I wish you healing and a better life. It's out there. But it's in a seperate house to that man.
Samantha
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2,031
My mother has always, constantly asked me if I'm drunk when I'm not! It drives me insane and I resent her for it.
She makes it all about her..."I've been dealing with this for years", when the truth of it is, I've never done anything harmful while drinking, that would make her say that.
anyways, I know exactly how you feel, and it's so frustrating!
She makes it all about her..."I've been dealing with this for years", when the truth of it is, I've never done anything harmful while drinking, that would make her say that.
anyways, I know exactly how you feel, and it's so frustrating!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
He seems to be mad much of the time. Maybe he's enjoying it. It could be his version of intimacy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
He seems to be mad much of the time. Maybe he's enjoying it. It could be his version of intimacy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Surprisingly, that is probably correct. He also clearly is a control-freak, and insecure. The type who boosts his self-esteem by bringing others down. So of course the more you fail the better he feels. Don't give him the satisfaction. I cannot believe he is drug testing his own wife. That is incomprehensible to me. The sad part is you accept this now because he has slowly and continually demeaned you until you believe that is okay. You can get out of this and be loved and appreciated again, Chrisclare.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
This is a sad story. I have seen it in my own family. What we seem to be forgetting is that alcoholism makes dysfunctional families and the alcoholic is not the only one afflicted. I appeared to be getting sober one time when I relapsed. I will never forget the look on my father's face - his hopes had been raised then dashed. This happens to every partner of an alcoholic. He never said a thing, but I knew I had yet again destroyed any progress he had made towards trusting me.
The same thing with my mother, also an alcoholic. When I got sober, a big effort was made to help mum. Dad got his hopes up when she was admitted to treatment program number one, and they were dashed shortly after her return. Then the same thing with treatment number two. Then just a continuation of the lies and deception, the denial even when she could hardly stand. And you should have heard what was coming out of her mouth, a resentful tirade of hatred and resentment towards both dad and me, face all screwed up, muttering under her breath - we both could have been the most horrible people in the world - according to her.
Dad did his best to keep her safe. It ruined his retirement, he could not go anywhere for fear she would burn the house down. He stuck with her right up to his death. And she continued to hate. After his death her hatred extended to include all the extended family on Dad's side. Totally irrational as we never saw them due to the fact that they lived so far away. Before she was seventy she had to be placed in care having twice been found in an awful mess due to DT's. She was not capable of looking after herself. She often said she wanted to die, but as I have seen with alcoholics who won't surrender, only the lucky ones get to die.
Now she lives in a home, is well into her nineties, gets no visitors, and still hates the world. This seems to be the end destination for an alcoholic who will not take responsibility for their part. She believes and will tell anyone that it is all Dad's fault, even more than 20 years after his death. She loves to play the victim, and is living walking proof that victims don't recover.
This may not be you, but it is worth noting that my mother's determination to blame everybody else were rewarded with over 40 years of a lonely miserable living hell which still continues today.
The same thing with my mother, also an alcoholic. When I got sober, a big effort was made to help mum. Dad got his hopes up when she was admitted to treatment program number one, and they were dashed shortly after her return. Then the same thing with treatment number two. Then just a continuation of the lies and deception, the denial even when she could hardly stand. And you should have heard what was coming out of her mouth, a resentful tirade of hatred and resentment towards both dad and me, face all screwed up, muttering under her breath - we both could have been the most horrible people in the world - according to her.
Dad did his best to keep her safe. It ruined his retirement, he could not go anywhere for fear she would burn the house down. He stuck with her right up to his death. And she continued to hate. After his death her hatred extended to include all the extended family on Dad's side. Totally irrational as we never saw them due to the fact that they lived so far away. Before she was seventy she had to be placed in care having twice been found in an awful mess due to DT's. She was not capable of looking after herself. She often said she wanted to die, but as I have seen with alcoholics who won't surrender, only the lucky ones get to die.
Now she lives in a home, is well into her nineties, gets no visitors, and still hates the world. This seems to be the end destination for an alcoholic who will not take responsibility for their part. She believes and will tell anyone that it is all Dad's fault, even more than 20 years after his death. She loves to play the victim, and is living walking proof that victims don't recover.
This may not be you, but it is worth noting that my mother's determination to blame everybody else were rewarded with over 40 years of a lonely miserable living hell which still continues today.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 2
Mike, I am so sorry you have gone through that with your parents. It does sound different, though. It doesn't sound like your father raised a fist against your mother, or tried to humiliate her in front of others, like the original poster writes. Does your mother have dementia? My father had it, and he became quite hateful. He said I wasn't his real daughter, obviously untrue as we looked so much alike, and everything else he could think of to be mean. He eventually came around to be like a charming little boy again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
What a story Gottalife.. thanks for sharing that. Frightening. I got to see my brilliant engineer father, who built some of the most difficult construction projects all over the world, reduced to living on the street at one point. Thankfully we got him settled into a little apartment on the Oregon coast but he wouldn't go to AA, couldn't stop drinking, and died of his disease.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
That is such a sad story, Gottalife.
I'm sorry to say that I know and have known people who've lived in that way. I've met a few as part of my work. People have tried to help for years at a time before giving up and moving on. That's what happens.
In its own way, it's as painful to watch as watching a person dying from a deadly disease. Despair is worse; we usually get to live through it.
I'm sorry to say that I know and have known people who've lived in that way. I've met a few as part of my work. People have tried to help for years at a time before giving up and moving on. That's what happens.
In its own way, it's as painful to watch as watching a person dying from a deadly disease. Despair is worse; we usually get to live through it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Gottalife
This is a sad story. I have seen it in my own family. What we seem to be forgetting is that alcoholism makes dysfunctional families and the alcoholic is not the only one afflicted. I appeared to be getting sober one time when I relapsed. I will never forget the look on my father's face - his hopes had been raised then dashed. This happens to every partner of an alcoholic. He never said a thing, but I knew I had yet again destroyed any progress he had made towards trusting me.
The same thing with my mother, also an alcoholic. When I got sober, a big effort was made to help mum. Dad got his hopes up when she was admitted to treatment program number one, and they were dashed shortly after her return. Then the same thing with treatment number two. Then just a continuation of the lies and deception, the denial even when she could hardly stand. And you should have heard what was coming out of her mouth, a resentful tirade of hatred and resentment towards both dad and me, face all screwed up, muttering under her breath - we both could have been the most horrible people in the world - according to her.
Dad did his best to keep her safe. It ruined his retirement, he could not go anywhere for fear she would burn the house down. He stuck with her right up to his death. And she continued to hate. After his death her hatred extended to include all the extended family on Dad's side. Totally irrational as we never saw them due to the fact that they lived so far away. Before she was seventy she had to be placed in care having twice been found in an awful mess due to DT's. She was not capable of looking after herself. She often said she wanted to die, but as I have seen with alcoholics who won't surrender, only the lucky ones get to die.
Now she lives in a home, is well into her nineties, gets no visitors, and still hates the world. This seems to be the end destination for an alcoholic who will not take responsibility for their part. She believes and will tell anyone that it is all Dad's fault, even more than 20 years after his death. She loves to play the victim, and is living walking proof that victims don't recover.
This may not be you, but it is worth noting that my mother's determination to blame everybody else were rewarded with over 40 years of a lonely miserable living hell which still continues today.
The same thing with my mother, also an alcoholic. When I got sober, a big effort was made to help mum. Dad got his hopes up when she was admitted to treatment program number one, and they were dashed shortly after her return. Then the same thing with treatment number two. Then just a continuation of the lies and deception, the denial even when she could hardly stand. And you should have heard what was coming out of her mouth, a resentful tirade of hatred and resentment towards both dad and me, face all screwed up, muttering under her breath - we both could have been the most horrible people in the world - according to her.
Dad did his best to keep her safe. It ruined his retirement, he could not go anywhere for fear she would burn the house down. He stuck with her right up to his death. And she continued to hate. After his death her hatred extended to include all the extended family on Dad's side. Totally irrational as we never saw them due to the fact that they lived so far away. Before she was seventy she had to be placed in care having twice been found in an awful mess due to DT's. She was not capable of looking after herself. She often said she wanted to die, but as I have seen with alcoholics who won't surrender, only the lucky ones get to die.
Now she lives in a home, is well into her nineties, gets no visitors, and still hates the world. This seems to be the end destination for an alcoholic who will not take responsibility for their part. She believes and will tell anyone that it is all Dad's fault, even more than 20 years after his death. She loves to play the victim, and is living walking proof that victims don't recover.
This may not be you, but it is worth noting that my mother's determination to blame everybody else were rewarded with over 40 years of a lonely miserable living hell which still continues today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Zura
Gosh. You've got so much going on. I'm glad your here and posting. Keep reaching out and connecting. Recovery from alcohol is not linear and recovery from abuse isn't either. On top of this you have a lil one dependant on you. Lots going on. One foot in front of the other. You really can do this. I think the main thing you need to get through is the fear. I liked the post about it ending quick and ugly or drawn out and ugly (often the drawn out way is uglier btw). You need to be gentle with yourself too, as in not allowing him to convince you your worthless or unworthy of motherhood. You are strong and you can do hard things. Childbirth, natural or medically assisted is HARD WORK. Motherhood is hard work in the best of circumstances and I bet you look after you daughter really well. Your doing well. You may be flawed but you don't deserve this. You seem like a thoughtful and compassionate person. I wish you healing and a better life. It's out there. But it's in a seperate house to that man.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by advbike
What a story Gottalife.. thanks for sharing that. Frightening. I got to see my brilliant engineer father, who built some of the most difficult construction projects all over the world, reduced to living on the street at one point. Thankfully we got him settled into a little apartment on the Oregon coast but he wouldn't go to AA, couldn't stop drinking, and died of his disease.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
