My AV needs to shut the h*ll up!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Location: Arizona
Posts: 104
My AV needs to shut the h*ll up!
Today, my husband and I will be attending an initial session with a family reunification therapist. Brief background: my hubby and I were both previously married and he has two girls with his ex, and I have one son with mine. My son's dad and I have gotten along great and were great co-parents - my son is now 23 and his dad and I are still on the same page when it comes to our son. My husband's ex-wife however, has been a nightmare. I'll spare all the gruesome details, but suffice it to say, she has successfully alienated my youngest stepdaughter (YSD) from me, and partially from her dad. I haven't seen YSD and have barely spoken to her since Nov. 2018. Hubby has only seen her a handful of times, but is able to stay in touch via text.
When YSD was younger, it was easy to see how she was being influenced by her mom, and her crappy behavior was understandable. She was being rewarded for treating her dad and me like doormats. As she's gotten a bit older (she's now 18) her behavior has gotten worse, and it's starting to appear that all the undue influence is now pretty much baked into her. While she's obviously still not fully matured and her behavior may one day change, it hurts nonetheless.
After much prodding by my husband, YSD has agreed to start family reunification therapy. YSD has more or less admitted she has no desire to mend things with me, but instead to mend things just with my husband. We think this is just so she can remain on the family payroll and stay in line for what she thinks will be a big inheritance from her grandfather who is approaching end of life. (YSD has been misinformed by her mom on the inheritance, however.)
I really just want to say "f-it" and not attend. She's treated me horribly, has told lies about me, and won't even refer to me by my name. She and her mom are still aligned, and as long as she's influenced by her mom, I don't see much chance for true change. But, the therapist has said she'll only work on the case if all family members participate.
This has been triggering me a LOT today. All day my AV has been reminding me how wine used to take the edge off these old hurts. I almost feel like maybe it's too soon in my sobriety to be tackling this situation, but I don't want to let my husband down. Argh.
So, what's my plan to stay sober? Post here (I feel a smidge better), share how I'm feeling with my husband, do a guided meditation session to try and quell some of the anxiety, get some ice cream (my new pseudo-vice), and remember that today is day 32. It's not worth throwing away 32 days of healing.
If you made it this far, thanks for "listening".
When YSD was younger, it was easy to see how she was being influenced by her mom, and her crappy behavior was understandable. She was being rewarded for treating her dad and me like doormats. As she's gotten a bit older (she's now 18) her behavior has gotten worse, and it's starting to appear that all the undue influence is now pretty much baked into her. While she's obviously still not fully matured and her behavior may one day change, it hurts nonetheless.
After much prodding by my husband, YSD has agreed to start family reunification therapy. YSD has more or less admitted she has no desire to mend things with me, but instead to mend things just with my husband. We think this is just so she can remain on the family payroll and stay in line for what she thinks will be a big inheritance from her grandfather who is approaching end of life. (YSD has been misinformed by her mom on the inheritance, however.)
I really just want to say "f-it" and not attend. She's treated me horribly, has told lies about me, and won't even refer to me by my name. She and her mom are still aligned, and as long as she's influenced by her mom, I don't see much chance for true change. But, the therapist has said she'll only work on the case if all family members participate.
This has been triggering me a LOT today. All day my AV has been reminding me how wine used to take the edge off these old hurts. I almost feel like maybe it's too soon in my sobriety to be tackling this situation, but I don't want to let my husband down. Argh.
So, what's my plan to stay sober? Post here (I feel a smidge better), share how I'm feeling with my husband, do a guided meditation session to try and quell some of the anxiety, get some ice cream (my new pseudo-vice), and remember that today is day 32. It's not worth throwing away 32 days of healing.
If you made it this far, thanks for "listening".
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Glad to hear that you are making a plan to stay sober in the midst of it all, and sounds like you have a good list of things to help. Also happy to hear that you are moving forward with the session - even though it's the last thing you want to do. If nothing else it does show others that you want to be part of the solution, whatever it may end up being.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Location: NC
Posts: 1,654
I can relate to family stress, therapy and trying to stay sober. My 26 year old daughter moved back home in October and I was in the process of tapering down my wine consumption at the time. My last wine was Dec. 16. My daughter and husband fight a lot! Also my daughter is extremely impulsive, self centered and adhd. We hardly go a day with out some sort of blow up with screaming and yelling and slamming doors. We have started therapy and it is helping. I say you attend because you need to be invested and you may appear weak if you don't. "Kill her with kindness" as they say and take the high road. `Don't expect too much in the first session but I bet if this therapist is any good you will make progress!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I think it’s really good if you that you are prepared to do this ROL. It shows you’re a good person and a parent striving to be the best.
I hope this will be a step forward for your family
The AV is a nasty opportunistic parasite. Reject it. Don’t even give it thinking space.
I hope this will be a step forward for your family
The AV is a nasty opportunistic parasite. Reject it. Don’t even give it thinking space.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,592
I'd go just to be part of the solution.
Times like this can really tax our thinking. They can be great learning times too, if properly executed, navigated. I'm trying to learn this myself. Not easy, but unavoidable now. My own big learning time. Motherhood. History.
You'll be so glad after you take the 'next right step.' Otherwise stand still.
Drinking was never a choice, even when I was doing it.
Trying to stay in the moment, but not overdoing it.
Times like this can really tax our thinking. They can be great learning times too, if properly executed, navigated. I'm trying to learn this myself. Not easy, but unavoidable now. My own big learning time. Motherhood. History.
You'll be so glad after you take the 'next right step.' Otherwise stand still.
Drinking was never a choice, even when I was doing it.
Trying to stay in the moment, but not overdoing it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Really impressive forethought and planning for day 32 - nice work. Sobriety gives us the tools to be present and try to be our best selves in difficult times, like the one you have in front of you. Congrats on being able to be there in this way for your husband and your families.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,160
I just want to say I admire your courage facing this challenge. You will be Much stronger afterward. This may very well at least help turn her around seeing you put forth the effort even after she has treated you badly.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Tell the AV to stfu. You don't have to do what its telling you to do. And if you drink, you'll be back at day one and going thru w/d again. 
I'd also advise participating in the family therapy. You never know what could happen if you all take part to work toward a solution.
I'd also advise participating in the family therapy. You never know what could happen if you all take part to work toward a solution.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Location: Arizona
Posts: 104
Thanks all, for your encouragement and words of wisdom. The session went really well! The therapist is focused on where we are now and what needs to happen to move forward...rather than rehashing the past. I walked away feeling strong and ready to participate. I can only control myself and even if things don't work out, I know I'll have peace of mind for having given it my all.
Making the day even better, I took a bold step in going out to eat after the session! Hubby and I recently got the first round of the vaccine and decided to go to a restaurant for the first time in over a year, and sat on the patio. When I sat down and looked at all of the drinks at other tables I had a moment of envy. And as if on cue, a nearby diner who was telling a story in a very exaggerated and loud way, knocked over her cocktail and was making a bit of a scene. I thought to myself "I'm good" and ordered an iced tea.
On to day 33 and beyond!
P.S. - I don't sit in judgment of others and don't want to insinuate that I was judging the gal who spilled her drink. It was more of a moment of self-reflection and recalling that all too often I was the one spilling my drink.
Making the day even better, I took a bold step in going out to eat after the session! Hubby and I recently got the first round of the vaccine and decided to go to a restaurant for the first time in over a year, and sat on the patio. When I sat down and looked at all of the drinks at other tables I had a moment of envy. And as if on cue, a nearby diner who was telling a story in a very exaggerated and loud way, knocked over her cocktail and was making a bit of a scene. I thought to myself "I'm good" and ordered an iced tea.
On to day 33 and beyond!
P.S. - I don't sit in judgment of others and don't want to insinuate that I was judging the gal who spilled her drink. It was more of a moment of self-reflection and recalling that all too often I was the one spilling my drink.
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