How do you forgive yourself?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
How do you forgive yourself?
After giving up your addiction, finding physical and mental healing, how do you move past the guilt? For the blackout nights, things you did or said that injured relationships, people negatively affected by your drinking, the wasted time hungover, the muted experiences where you should’ve been more present, etc. etc. etc...
I feel like all the people in my life have *long* moved on. Or they are active in alcoholism themselves. While sober living has lasted two years, my *worst* days are 6-7 years behind me... ancient history to them. Many others who knew me in those years I’ve lost touch with.
there are nights I lay awake wondering how I ever let the addiction take over. It’s a deep sense of guilt in the pit of my stomach.
Do you ever forgive yourself?
I feel like all the people in my life have *long* moved on. Or they are active in alcoholism themselves. While sober living has lasted two years, my *worst* days are 6-7 years behind me... ancient history to them. Many others who knew me in those years I’ve lost touch with.
there are nights I lay awake wondering how I ever let the addiction take over. It’s a deep sense of guilt in the pit of my stomach.
Do you ever forgive yourself?
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Forgiveness is possible and, I believe, necessary to remain sober, Evoo. But I can’t answer that question for you or how you would go about getting there.
I don’t know how long ago it started. By the time I realize that something’s different about me, it’s impossible for me recall when the change began or how I got there.
Anyway, on an unspecified date, I once found myself going through past events (and who hasn’t had a lot of time for that since last March?) with little or no criticism or judgment. I was a participant-observer in my memories in a way that offered a different kind of comfort for me. As though I were appreciating and taking care of the person I was when I was younger.
I went to a lot of meetings and to outpatient treatment (groups and one-on-one) when I got sober. I reached out for help; a decision that changed a lot of things for me. It helped me get through the hard parts and the very hard parts and the worst parts. I don’t recall an instance when help from others made things worse.
Being active in AA, I was thorough enough in making amends, which is also another way of reaching out. When I look back now, I’m happy that I was able to do that, to address my bad behavior with the people I’d hurt or harmed. To describe it as it was. It’s a big deal.
With the help of my sponsor, I was less likely to blow things out of proportion or minimize things that were more serious, more harmful, than I had at one time thought them to be when considering and then making amends.
The support that I got after reaching out early on helped me to keep going, to take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings, and, at times, to walk through hell.
Don’t deny yourself. People love to help.
I don’t know how long ago it started. By the time I realize that something’s different about me, it’s impossible for me recall when the change began or how I got there.
Anyway, on an unspecified date, I once found myself going through past events (and who hasn’t had a lot of time for that since last March?) with little or no criticism or judgment. I was a participant-observer in my memories in a way that offered a different kind of comfort for me. As though I were appreciating and taking care of the person I was when I was younger.
I went to a lot of meetings and to outpatient treatment (groups and one-on-one) when I got sober. I reached out for help; a decision that changed a lot of things for me. It helped me get through the hard parts and the very hard parts and the worst parts. I don’t recall an instance when help from others made things worse.
Being active in AA, I was thorough enough in making amends, which is also another way of reaching out. When I look back now, I’m happy that I was able to do that, to address my bad behavior with the people I’d hurt or harmed. To describe it as it was. It’s a big deal.
With the help of my sponsor, I was less likely to blow things out of proportion or minimize things that were more serious, more harmful, than I had at one time thought them to be when considering and then making amends.
The support that I got after reaching out early on helped me to keep going, to take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings, and, at times, to walk through hell.
Don’t deny yourself. People love to help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
I have been sober 3 years now and it's only recently I have been able to forgive myself.
I worked the steps in AA and I made amends to the people I had caused harm to. The people who had harmed me, I was able to forgive them by praying for them. By making amends and forgiving others I was also able to make an amend to myself and forgive myself for how I was when I was drinking.
I did not set out to become an alcoholic. I started drinking like lots of other people do. I had no idea that I was bodily and mentally different to normal drinkers. I was addicted to alcohol and the effect it had on me and my life was devastating. I did things I would never dream of doing sober, I hurt people including myself, I wasted opportunities and ultimately alcohol nearly killed me.
I havent had a drink in 3 years now and I have worked hard at my recovery. I am not the same person I was before I put down the drink. The past cannot be changed and it has gone forever. I have done my best to clear up the wreckage, make right my wrongs. There is not much else I can do as time travel has not been invented lol. What matters now is what I do TODAY. I am sober today. I am not perfect but I am a decent member of society today. I have my morals, self respect and dignity back. I am a sober loving daughter, sibling, mother and friend. I don't go about my day causing harm to others. If I am wrong I can say I am wrong and apologise. I also have boundaries to protect myself from others.
I learnt I wasn't a bad person but I was very sick. I was in the grip of a progressive addiction and I didnt know. Today I do know and I have a choice whether I pick up a drink or not today. I had no choice before.
Yeaterday is gone forever. You are here, you are sober. Accept what cannot be changed, look in the mirror and into your own eyes and say you forgive yourself for everything you did under the influence of the poison that is alcohol. Let that go. Say goodbye to it. You are not that same woman today. It is what you do today that is important and I dont know about you but I am so grateful that I have this beautiful chance to start over as there are many who do not make it.
Lots of love to you.
♥️🙏
I worked the steps in AA and I made amends to the people I had caused harm to. The people who had harmed me, I was able to forgive them by praying for them. By making amends and forgiving others I was also able to make an amend to myself and forgive myself for how I was when I was drinking.
I did not set out to become an alcoholic. I started drinking like lots of other people do. I had no idea that I was bodily and mentally different to normal drinkers. I was addicted to alcohol and the effect it had on me and my life was devastating. I did things I would never dream of doing sober, I hurt people including myself, I wasted opportunities and ultimately alcohol nearly killed me.
I havent had a drink in 3 years now and I have worked hard at my recovery. I am not the same person I was before I put down the drink. The past cannot be changed and it has gone forever. I have done my best to clear up the wreckage, make right my wrongs. There is not much else I can do as time travel has not been invented lol. What matters now is what I do TODAY. I am sober today. I am not perfect but I am a decent member of society today. I have my morals, self respect and dignity back. I am a sober loving daughter, sibling, mother and friend. I don't go about my day causing harm to others. If I am wrong I can say I am wrong and apologise. I also have boundaries to protect myself from others.
I learnt I wasn't a bad person but I was very sick. I was in the grip of a progressive addiction and I didnt know. Today I do know and I have a choice whether I pick up a drink or not today. I had no choice before.
Yeaterday is gone forever. You are here, you are sober. Accept what cannot be changed, look in the mirror and into your own eyes and say you forgive yourself for everything you did under the influence of the poison that is alcohol. Let that go. Say goodbye to it. You are not that same woman today. It is what you do today that is important and I dont know about you but I am so grateful that I have this beautiful chance to start over as there are many who do not make it.
Lots of love to you.
♥️🙏
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
step work.
therapy.
active rituals of self forgiveness (one I like to use is writing down things I'm carrying shame for and then burning the lists in simple ceremonies I design for myself..)
then, more step work
more therapy.
group work.
rituals.
Repeat.
therapy.
active rituals of self forgiveness (one I like to use is writing down things I'm carrying shame for and then burning the lists in simple ceremonies I design for myself..)
then, more step work
more therapy.
group work.
rituals.
Repeat.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by C0ntr0ls 
In my case, I look forward but occasionally take a peek-see in the rear-view mirror [I can't change it.] just as a quick reminder of where I have been. I can't look too long because I may get into a wreck. 
YMMV
YMMV
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I've always been quite future-oriented (actually needed to learn to focus on the present more and not dismiss it), definitely not someone who tends to dwell much on the past with heavy feelings. I look at it more as experiences to learn from. This natural focus on the future can stem from anxiety sometimes, but also helps because I'm always looking for new possibilities and improvement, how I can do it better, moving forward. I wonder if this orientation can also be developed, like I learned how to be more present in the ongoing reality, e.g. using meditation and reminding myself that life is short and better not to miss it by thinking too much about parts of it that are not currently accessible.
Sometimes it takes a long time to make the improvements happen, but my mind is on it naturally, so emotional rumination just does not occur too much. This also includes people and relationships - if they are still alive and relevant in the present, the goal is to do things differently in current and future endeavors. For me, the exception can be when I am in a bad depressive episode (I also often had these negative mind states just for a day during hangover/withdrawal) or feel very unfulfilled. Then intense feelings like that can be symptoms that something in mental health and/or circumstances might be off, usually an internal call for change that are better not to miss. I think people often try to resolve the discomfort by going over the past a million times (example is when talking excessively about past traumas in therapy re-traumatizes the patient and blocks improvement further), wondering how to fix the wrongs or make up for them, then feel even worse knowing it's not possible (especially when receiving rejections from others), but forget that what we do now and in the future has the power to transform those feelings and often even relationships. We need new experiences though for that to happen effectively.
Sometimes it takes a long time to make the improvements happen, but my mind is on it naturally, so emotional rumination just does not occur too much. This also includes people and relationships - if they are still alive and relevant in the present, the goal is to do things differently in current and future endeavors. For me, the exception can be when I am in a bad depressive episode (I also often had these negative mind states just for a day during hangover/withdrawal) or feel very unfulfilled. Then intense feelings like that can be symptoms that something in mental health and/or circumstances might be off, usually an internal call for change that are better not to miss. I think people often try to resolve the discomfort by going over the past a million times (example is when talking excessively about past traumas in therapy re-traumatizes the patient and blocks improvement further), wondering how to fix the wrongs or make up for them, then feel even worse knowing it's not possible (especially when receiving rejections from others), but forget that what we do now and in the future has the power to transform those feelings and often even relationships. We need new experiences though for that to happen effectively.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 527
My experience (and that of many others I've discussed this with) is that self-forgiveness is not something we gain directly. Rather, for an alcoholic like me the sense of being forgiven comes as a result of working the steps of A.A. and otherwise committing to the A.A. program of recovery. So, for example, the Big Book promises that we "will not regret the past" but in some meaningful sense conditions that promise on our being "painstaking" in making our 9th Step amends. My experience also suggests that sometimes this takes more than a one-time run through the steps. We are told that in order to be freed of our character defects (including, I believe, the inability to forgive ourselves appropriately) we must understand the "exact nature of defects". It should not surprise us that we do not necessarily come to a full understanding of the exact nature of our defects after just one run through Steps 1-9.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Evoo - This was a huge problem for me, & a few times the remorse & guilt led me back to drinking. I finally convinced myself that the drunk me was not the real me - that my behavior was that of a stranger who I bore little resemblance to. As snitch said, we were very sick. As nice & kind of a person as I think I am - I was awful to those I loved the most - I let down many people, & I spent a lot of time grieving over that. Yet it would be a tragedy to allow ourselves to waste the time we have left by morbidly reliving our worst days. That was not us. 
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Evoo, dealing with the guilt and shame was something I really struggled with. For a long time I wasn't able to forgive myself and move on. I did a lot of reading on the topic and I learned that forgiveness doesn't always happen at once. It can be something that is a process where you forgive yourself multiple times and each time you move a bit closer to leaving the past behind. Finally, someone suggested journaling, which was not something I wanted to do, so I resisted it for quite awhile. But, eventually I did begin to journal. Whenever I'd be overwhelmed with guilt and shame, I'd grab my journal and write until the feelings passed. The journaling ended up being a process which lasted for many months. But, each time I wrote the words on paper, my load would lighten a bit. In the end, I burned the journal so there was no risk of anyone else finding it, ever. We can do hard things.
We can do hard things.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 743
You should see the neighborhoods i run in sometimes. 7 figure homes with perfectly manicured lawns. Most of the owners probably have beautiful wives and obviously children ( playground sets and toys sitting out). Even when I was college aged, I would run in better places then where I lived and think of having a nice house and a family someday.
That could have been my life but its not. Many of my dreams were completely demolished. How much because of my drinking, how much just because of me, bad luck or whatever? Who cares now? They way I see it I am right where God wants me to be. Whether somebody believes in God or some spirit of the universe or whatever. We are on a course through life that we do not have complete control over. We can only control the now, like don't take a drink right now, don't eat crappy right now, do make sure to get up for work Monday, etc.
It took decades of self destruction and a rock bottom to develop a solid relationship with God. Maybe had I made better decisions i would have bought my own airplane and crashed it into a mountain. Apparently my purpose wasn't to live in a nice house and raise a family. So I have to figure out what my purpose is now. Any of us can help other alcoholics, right there that is one purpose, one way we can serve God and mankind. Look how mankind has served us. For one, we can communicate back and forth instantly from all over the World. We are all a very small part of that. Like a tiny little star that lights up the sky. Doesn't mean anything alone but the sky just isn't exactly the same with even one little star missing.
I can't remember the exact situation but i remember something John Madden said during a football broadcast. A team is within one score in the final minutes. He says something along the lines of... You know right now if not for the big PI penalty back in the 1st quarter, if not for INT return back in the 3rd quarter the Raiders would have this game in hand and running out the clock to go to the playoffs. But you can't let that kind of stuff bother you. Right now you can only think we have to get a 1st down and keep this drive doing.
That could have been my life but its not. Many of my dreams were completely demolished. How much because of my drinking, how much just because of me, bad luck or whatever? Who cares now? They way I see it I am right where God wants me to be. Whether somebody believes in God or some spirit of the universe or whatever. We are on a course through life that we do not have complete control over. We can only control the now, like don't take a drink right now, don't eat crappy right now, do make sure to get up for work Monday, etc.
It took decades of self destruction and a rock bottom to develop a solid relationship with God. Maybe had I made better decisions i would have bought my own airplane and crashed it into a mountain. Apparently my purpose wasn't to live in a nice house and raise a family. So I have to figure out what my purpose is now. Any of us can help other alcoholics, right there that is one purpose, one way we can serve God and mankind. Look how mankind has served us. For one, we can communicate back and forth instantly from all over the World. We are all a very small part of that. Like a tiny little star that lights up the sky. Doesn't mean anything alone but the sky just isn't exactly the same with even one little star missing.
I can't remember the exact situation but i remember something John Madden said during a football broadcast. A team is within one score in the final minutes. He says something along the lines of... You know right now if not for the big PI penalty back in the 1st quarter, if not for INT return back in the 3rd quarter the Raiders would have this game in hand and running out the clock to go to the playoffs. But you can't let that kind of stuff bother you. Right now you can only think we have to get a 1st down and keep this drive doing.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
I constantly flip flop between many emotions but strive to be grateful.
I can see, hear, I have all my limbs, walk, run, etc etc etc etc.
I am in such a better place mentally, my current issue is not allowing negative interacting problems to escalate with folks that like negative interaction.
Thankfully, these folks are few and far between. Passive aggression is something I am guilty of and am always on the look out for.
I don't mind saying I made a mistake and I am sorry. Then I forgive. But, within the same day, I will obsess and not forgive and think it is not my fault.
But, the sober me knows this is not a healthy way to live. I can will myself happy. Happy begets happy. I don't have to be a clown, just happy.
SR reminds me of this and gives me strategies to move forward.
There are folks that have killed people, many people, and don't even remember doing it because they were drunk. Other examples can be mentioned, but I would say that would cause the biggest guilt.
That was the old me. The grown up, never drinking again me will not allow this to happen. So help me God. Amen.
I am an addict for life. I will crave for the rest of my life. Any decision to drink is a relapse. My drinking privileges have been revoked.
Thanks for the therapy.
I can see, hear, I have all my limbs, walk, run, etc etc etc etc.
I am in such a better place mentally, my current issue is not allowing negative interacting problems to escalate with folks that like negative interaction.
Thankfully, these folks are few and far between. Passive aggression is something I am guilty of and am always on the look out for.
I don't mind saying I made a mistake and I am sorry. Then I forgive. But, within the same day, I will obsess and not forgive and think it is not my fault.
But, the sober me knows this is not a healthy way to live. I can will myself happy. Happy begets happy. I don't have to be a clown, just happy.
SR reminds me of this and gives me strategies to move forward.
There are folks that have killed people, many people, and don't even remember doing it because they were drunk. Other examples can be mentioned, but I would say that would cause the biggest guilt.
That was the old me. The grown up, never drinking again me will not allow this to happen. So help me God. Amen.
I am an addict for life. I will crave for the rest of my life. Any decision to drink is a relapse. My drinking privileges have been revoked.
Thanks for the therapy.
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,385
Originally Posted by least
I try to treat myself as kindly as I would a stranger.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Originally Posted by least
I try to treat myself as kindly as I would a stranger.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 141
I have fallen off the wagon a few times over the years but I still distinctively remember the first time I got sober. I blamed everything bad I did or said on the booze and that just isn't realistic nor accurate at all. At least in my case anyway. If I said something bad, 9 time out of 10 it was to a drinking buddy I wouldn't have been hanging out with otherwise or they were being even worse. If it was a relationship that ended, had I been sober and thinking clearly I wouldn't have even been in it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 146
I like to frame forgiveness as a daily practice. Some days are harder than other days, and I think it’s sort of pretty that it is in constant flux because it connects me to my values again (like, if I feel guilt, it represents that I didn’t live into my values but I DO have a compass that isn’t totally busted, kwim?). Ultimately, I remind myself a lot that I really didn’t have a lot of control of the drinking and the behaviors that came out of it. Now that I have more tools in my toolbox and greater perspective, it’s easier to make better choices. That makes it easier to not beat myself up over not knowing what I didn’t know before I knew it.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
What helped me was practicing on other people.
My mind put me through this exercise were it kept showing me things people had done to me. One of the things its showed me was a time someone I had a crush on said hateful things to me when I told him. It didn't even bother me so I couldn't understand why I had to keep remembering. Then it hit me, I had done the same things to some one else.
I had a hard time forgiving myself because it had been drilled into me that I should be held to some higher standard. That's complete BS because Im not better than anyone else.
If I can forgive them I should be able to be forgiven.
The further I want trying to make sense of the abuse I suffered the more I realized my abusers didn't have a sense of what they were doing but acting out of their own ignorance and pain. That applies to me as well. I never meant to hurt anyone, I was just in so much pain.
My mind put me through this exercise were it kept showing me things people had done to me. One of the things its showed me was a time someone I had a crush on said hateful things to me when I told him. It didn't even bother me so I couldn't understand why I had to keep remembering. Then it hit me, I had done the same things to some one else.
I had a hard time forgiving myself because it had been drilled into me that I should be held to some higher standard. That's complete BS because Im not better than anyone else.
If I can forgive them I should be able to be forgiven.
The further I want trying to make sense of the abuse I suffered the more I realized my abusers didn't have a sense of what they were doing but acting out of their own ignorance and pain. That applies to me as well. I never meant to hurt anyone, I was just in so much pain.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
