Havetochange

Hi everyone

I can’t remember the last time I went to bed sober.

I can’t remember the last time I got up without a hangover and had to physically force myself to go to work through the nausea and lethargy that comes with drinking too much.

My face has become permanently red and blotchy, not hat I was good looking before, but I now look like a heavy drinker, which I am.

Im hoping that just typing this is going to help me attempt recovery simply by “saying” it out loud.

Thank you for allowing me an audience, don’t know where to start, but start I must.

SWB

Havetochange, I too had been stuck in the same horrible cycle but there is another life if you want it bad enough. Come up with a plan to keep you on track to the goals that want and take it one day at a time. We are here to support you

Havetochange

Thank you SWB

What is everyone’s thoughts on my thoughts:

The feeling I get when drinking in terms of relaxation and better mood must be strong as it has the hangovers I inevitably get the next day, haven’t been enough to make me stop.

My very being, however, is screaming at me that I shouldn’t be doing it. Is this the definition of addiction, is my brain playing tricks on me?

i’m intelligent and of strong morals yet here I am ....

fishkiller

Yes your brain is playing tricks on you. There are many ways to relax without killing ourselves in the process. We just have to learn/relearn the ways.

You have come to the right place to start.

I drank for over 3 decades daily and have been sober 14 months with the help of the great people here.

Good luck and keep coming back

You can do it

silentrun

I think that's a thing. That was one of the reasons I ran screaming when I figured it out. This isn't who I am. For the last 2 years of my drinking, my brain did the same thing. I would practically beg myself not to stop at the liquor store as I turned into it. With lots of support, I was able to override that long enough for the part that didn't want to live that way to get strong enough on its own. I think the toxic effects of too much alcohol shut that part of our minds down.

biminiblue

Yes. That's the definition of addiction. Ambivalence in the face of overwhelming evidence, desire for that sweet release regardless of the consequences.

Only way out is to stop and stay stopped and let your brain and nervous system settle back to baseline.

It won't be easy and it won't be fast.

I'll never forget how lost and damaged I was, and so I'll never drink again.

doggonecarl

Say this aloud: "I'm never going to drink again, and I'm never going to change my mind!"

Then do everything in your power to do just that.

novips

One thing to consider is whether it may be time to check yourself into some sort of rehab center. The Big Book says:

Of course an alcoholic ought to be freed from his physical craving for liquor, and this often requires a definite hospital procedure, before psychological measures can be of maximum benefit.

Beyond that, perhaps consider committing to (1) 90 A.A. meetings in 90 days, (2) finding an A.A. sponsor, and (3) starting to work the Steps.

Finally (for now), perhaps consider getting on your knees and asking whatever conception of a Higher Power works for you to help you get the taste for alcohol out of your mouth.

Happy to chat more about any of that via PM if you're interested.

Libby06

I did exactly as you describe, day after day, waking up going to work feeling like death. I looked very little like my former self. Red faced, blotchy, bloated, knowing I couldn't continue, but unable to stop until I was willing to do whatever it took to change my life.

For me, I committed to 90 meetings in 90 days, as was mentioned above, and not drinking one day at a time. I did what they said and got what they had... Long term sobriety.

It is not an easy task, but if you want it more than anything else, and are willing to put in the work, you can have it too. You will not be sentenced to a lifetime of meetings unless you find that you like it. Just keep on going until you find a way of coping with life booze free.

Don't try to detox alone if you are a long term heavy drinker, as that can be dangerous. Please have a talk with your doctor.

Yes, your brain is lying to you. Life is so much better and simpler living without a pickled brain. I'm glad you are here.

Anna

Alcoholism is a baffling disease, which I think you are experiencing. I'm glad you're ready to make a change in your life. Do you have a plan for how you will stop drinking and stay sober?

Mysteryman

I used to be exactly the same. Ive gotten sober dozens of times somehow, so it's doable.

Mizz

I can relate to waking up hungover everyday or every other day. My last week of drinking had all sorts of baffling thoughts and I was absolutely terrified of where I was going. I was terrified that I had already gotten so far down the road with alcohol. My body was screaming at me and I was really not able to stop myself.....until I did stop.

You will need to come up with a plan of action and stick to that plan no matter what. Post here often. Get through the urges. Implement health into your life. You can do this. It all starts with not picking up today.

Havetochange

I thank you all for your responses and positive words, I am humbled by the unselfish efforts to help me in what is a truly dark time for me.

My work prevents the option of rehab or hospital but my first step will be to speak to my GP, see what help is available in my area and make the beginning of the end come into fruition.

Is it best to plan a day and a time to stop, just quit immediately?

doggonecarl

A plan to quit in the future is really just a plan to keep drinking.

That said, if going cold turkey is going to cause issues, then detox with medical supervision. By issues I mean the danger of seizures, not mild withdrawals and cravings to drink. But I stand with my initial statement. The best time to quit is NOW.

Mizz

Quit. Today is the your day to freedom.

If you are physically dependent on alcohol then you should talk with a doctor.
Carl has some good suggestions.

tornrealization

I'm glad you found the boards and you are investigating ways to quit. I also had a job that seemed to prevent rehab or hospitals but please go see your GP as you had outlined here. You'll get a lot of help here. Believe it or not, you can relax at the end of the night without alcohol. It takes work to get to that state. The work is hard but also incredibly simple. Just don't pick up that first drink. Your body is physically craving it so your brain tells you - I NEED THIS to relax. Take a timeout and think about the relaxation you get versus the hell you pay for said relaxation. 1-2 hours? Maybe 3 "relaxation" before crappy sleep, hangovers, getting sick and trying to slog through the next day? It's a terrible deal for your body.

I'm rooting for you! Stick around the boards, talk to your GP and learn all you can. So many approaches to sobriety!