Reaffirming my big plan
 

I hadn't been practicing AVRT and I had a slip yesterday. Drank a bottle of hand sanitizer and some beer.

So today is Day 1. I'm going to be vigilant in recognizing AV moving forward and dismissing it. This really feels like my last quit date.

I should have posted to SR when I felt like picking up. I'll stay closer to SR moving forward.

I'm feeling pretty good today. I had a healthy breakfast and went for a run at 11am. Normally I'm too anxious to run this late in the morning. Going to do some yoga later.

I guess I drank because my life feels hopeless right now. My mental state is a mess. I don't know if it's my paranoia or if there is a huge conspiracy to get me to kill myself. And I thought a nice buzz would make me feel better. It did of course but I woke up with a hangover full of regret.

I apologized to my parents and we're good now. It was just a blip.

I feel completely done with drinking. There are better ways to cope, better ways to have fun.

I'm going to use SR, mediation, prayer, exercise and reaching out to my friend in recovery as part of my recovery toolbox.

One issue I have is lots of free time. So I'm going to develop more hobbies and help my parents more around the house.

I will never drink again and I will never change my mind. No matter how bored, depressed, anxious I feel. I feel free from the clutches of alcohol.

You do have some good ideas and strategies to move forward listed FF - SR, prayer, meditation, etc. Having said that, drinking a bottle of hand sanitizer is a potentially fatal mistake and far from a "Slip", at least in my opinion. Do you have an strategies to address your paranoia and suicidal thoughts or outside help for these issues? Seems to me that those may be an important root cause to explore before you consider any new hobbies.

I'm so happy to see you're back with us, dear FF!!!! Please keep posting. I think you and I statred here around the same time and I always look for your name.

I echo what Scott said. Your relapse, drinking hand sanitizer, is not a simple blip. It could cause permanent health problems or possibly kill you.

I hope you get some help for your paranoia and mental health issues.

Can i ask an honest question? Why hand sanitizer? Why not just drink alcohol, if you relapse?

I'm glad you're back. Stick close.

I was dealing with agoraphobia and there was hand sanitizer in the house. Once I was drunk I was able to go to the store for beer.

Almost at the end of day 1. Still feel hungover but did some good things today. Went for a a run, meditated, shaved and cut my hair, showered. So I don't look like a hobo anymore.

Hoping I get a good night's sleep.

I really hope your plan works out for you. Drinking hand sanitizer must do incredible harm to your organs. Drinking that stuff just so you can get to a store to buy beer sounds pretty bad. How you can go for a run after drinking that just bogles my mind. Your tolerance level must be pretty high. The alcohol level in your system must be pretty high and that is not good. If I did that, I'd be laid up for at least a day. Not sure if you are aware of what you are doing to yourself. Don't know why you won't consider in patient rehab. At least while you are there, you can deal with the many issues you are dealing with. Good luck. John

FF - I'm glad you avoided getting sick from the sanitizer. Please stick with us & keep posting.

Hand sanitizer is very harmful to you. :( I hope you'll get the help you need to stay sober.

For me running is medicine for anxiety.

Im not a medical person but the way I understand it, it makes the brain release all these chemicals, the brain gives us the drugs we are supposed to have. The brain and body have evolved to handle physical stress. I think when the brain doesn't get physical stress it creates its own mental stress.

I trust in running like I trusted in alcohol. I know once i start putting one foot in front of the other I will feel better.

What do your doctors say, FF? I say this purely coming from a place of love but as others have said, drinking sanitizer can blind or kill you. Have you found some adjustment to your meds to deal with the paranoia? Every single person here is pulling for you and we all want you to succeed!:grouphug::scoregood

Hi FF, I am glad you are here and posting, but worried about you based on what you posted. Drinking hand sanitizer again is definitely concerning, it is so dangerous for you. I’m also worried about the suicidal thoughts you’re having. Have you been seeing a counselor since you have been back home again? Is it possible to go back to an inpatient facility to help you with both the alcohol and the suicidal thoughts. You had some good strategies listed today to help you stay sober, I just think you need a little more support right now.

Sending lots of love.
❤️Delilah

Thanks for all your posts, everyone.

I know drinking sanitizer is pretty crazy. I don't plan on doing it again.

My next psych appt is July but I'm going to ring them Monday to see if they can fit me in earlier.

My left hand is incredibly sore. I think I might have dipped in in hot water when I was blacked out. Needed to self harm I guess. Not the best coping mechanism.

I got a good night's sleep. Going to relax and chill today, meditate, pray, post on SR. Looking forward to a run on Monday.

I genuinely don't ever want to drink again. I think I've gotten closure as far as alcohol is concerned. It has no place in my life.

Hey FF, how are you doing sir? What's your meds status? Staying away from the booze? I think it's good for you to post here. Let us know what's going on ok?

I'm on day 8. Hand is very sore. I got a new prescription for Ativan which I won't be mixing with booze. That was an incredible mistake. I don't intend on drinking again.

Well done Freedom. Up again.

Maybe you need to see a doctor about your hand? Burns can get infected and need to be treated.

The last time you drank hand sanitizer you said you weren't going to do it again.

I again have to strongly urge you to seek inpatient rehab. They can help you deal with your addiction and mental health issues and you have shown multiple times that you can't do this by yourself. Please consider it before you accidentally do something irreversable on a "slip."

The last inpatient rehab I went to said praying to the virgin Mary was a viable alternative to taking anti psychotic medication. I'm not sure inpatient rehab is going to help my mental health issues. I can only afford hardcore Christian rehab.

Let me guess....Cuan Mhuire? I didn't go there but I've heard things about it.

Coolmine in Dublin 15 is free and secular (non-religious) but I believe has a long waiting list.