alchy

I feel like a worthless pos. I'm mad at my 4 year old. My wife is mad at me and I feel like I'm losing them, and I know it's all my fault. I lost my mom in November after a very long decline and many hospital stays. I don't think I've dealt with that at all yet. In fact, we weren't allowed to because of covid. I quit drinking 8-10 beer a night almost two months ago from a health scare.Ironically things were better when I was a drinker. Now I'm a mess and I hate myself and I'm throwing away the two people I care about most.
IM a ****** dad to a 4 year old who cries when he has to play with daddy. He wants mommy for everything. I've always tried really hard to be a good dad but feel like I'm worse than ever now. I've never ever hurt him and love him like crazy and try so hard to be who he needs. He told us yesterday we are the wrong mom and dad and he wishes we were better parents. He is right, he deserves better. I just keep feeling like they'd be better off if I was gone. My son didn't even notice I don't talk to him last night for hours on end even though I'm normally constantly trying to get is attention to want daddy for something. I know he's 4 but it still really messes with me that he doesn't want anything to do with me. And I know it's just as hard on my wife. Which bring me to also being a ****** husband.

Right now I'm sitting at work crying as I type this not knowing how to fix this or if it's too late.

biminiblue

Stay sober. Any perceived slights will likely get a lot better in your head after some sober time. You're right that a four year old is gonna be moody and I think it's completely normal that he wants his mom. Moms are generally softer and gentler and ....he's four. If he is used to you being checked out or maybe a bit abrasive when you're drinking, there will be some time required to fix that perception. More than a couple months.

The more I do the right thing(s) the better I feel about myself. I hope you'll find the same to be true. Resentments are just my addiction looking for an "in."

Sorry about your loss. Have you considered a grief support group or maybe a little therapy?

alchy

I was never checked out when he was around. I was a very functional alcoholic and did all the Daddy duties required. I started drinking while he was up but wasn't really buzzed. I'm more abrasive now actually. I was just usually happy go lucky, roll with it kind of guy. Trying to lighten the mood etc.

ScottFromWI

It's never too late to change alchy. Life is hard, but the notion that "things were better when you were a drinker" is your addiction telling you lies.

Having been in a similar situation myself, my advice would be to be very honest with your wife about everything. Rebuilding those relationships within your family are so important, but also very hard at first. I lost lot of respect and trust from my wife and kids while I was drinking, and rightfully so. It can take years to build it back up, but it's very much worth it. The feeling of things being better when drinking is our default response to try and use alcohol to run away/erase all the bad stuff going on - but of course it only makes it worse.

Don't rule out getting some outside help from a counselor for all of you, it can really help. And of course the most important thing of all is to not drink - doing so would make everything 100x worse.

advbike

Congrats on two months alchy. Great job!

You ever heard of a "dry drunk'? Many of us don't automatically get better when we quit drinking, because our bad thinking is still fully present. There needs to be a different way of thinking, a letting go of ego. In AA it is accomplished through working the steps in order to let go of fear and resentments and forgive ourselves and others. But there are other ways to do it too. Gratitude practice for one. It is a spiritual journey and 2 months is pretty early along the path.

And yeah, at 4 I think it's normal that his mom is the primary caregiver. I would expect that. And kids pick up on addictive behaviors, even at a young age. I think it will all work out if you stay sober and work on the spiritual aspect.

Thanks for posting, and wishing you the best!

Anna

Alchy, I also lost all respect from my husband and children. It's your responsibility to try to rebuild those relationships and to be patient in the meantime. Understand that your son may take some time to open up to you, but continue to put in the effort. You're not a worse Dad now, but you're more aware, and the awareness hurts. As Scott mentioned, consider therapy/counselling as a possibility.

fishkiller

Hey alchy hang in there man!
2 months is great but these things take time. Like others said this is a journey that requires more than just not drinking.

You have already proved to be a good father by wanting to quit the poison and be the best father and husband you can be.
The Addictive Voice in us will tell us anything to get us back to drinking. Shut that **** down. You ARE NOT worthless, you ARE a good person. You must believe these things. They are true.

DriGuy

I can't help with parenting skills, as I never had to learn those, but I will tell you that life got a Hell of a lot better when I quit drinking.

lessgravity

Many of us, as fathers and parents, have been where you are. What you are doing is the best thing that you can for your kid, your wife and, ultimately, your self. I've found therapy to be an amazing resource for me and always recommend it. Stay sober and continue to work through these issues and obstacles. It will get easier and get better over time.

doggonecarl

Congrats on two months.

Quitting is the biggest and most important step in recovery. But if all you did was quit drinking, then it isn't really recovery. Lot of work goes into getting better.

Don't know how long you were checked out of you son's life when you were drinking, but that too is going to take time to fix. But the key is staying sober.

Vincent484

What your wife and son think is and always will be out of your control. The only thing you can do is put yourself in the best possible situation to repair these relationships through positive behavior and thinking. Focus on that and, over time, hopefully things will repair themselves.

LadyBug66

Congratulations on two months! Marriage and Parenting are hard. I've been married 37 years with 4 kids. Don't give up, it's not too late. Your son is getting used to the real you, not the buzzed you. You guys will figure it out. Be patient with your wife as well. She's having to get used to a different husband and I can say I was not really pleasant to be around early in my sobriety. My emotions were all over the place. Hang in there are be honest with your wife in telling her what you are going thru and ask for patience and understanding and it WILL GET BETTER!

ABoiledOwl

Great for you to have two months! Great advice here too! Your disease, alcoholism, lies to you, wants you down and depressed and second guessing everything. Healing takes time, reflection takes time, recovery takes time, all you have it today, just keep doing your best.
The only truly "functioning alcoholic" is a recovering one.

alchy

Thanks for all of the replies and support. I am in no danger of drinking. I've just been so depressed lately and down on myself even though I've started working out again and trying my best to right all of the physical wrongs drinking has caused. Haven't done much for the mental. I think I just had kind of a bad mental day yesterday and into this morning. My emotions have been bad too, contributing to it. My relationship with my family is good and always has been. But now I quit drinking and my emotions are all over the place and it's actually causing problems. Before, drinking "helped" me with my emotions and to "deal" with things. Now I guess I just have to figure out how deal with things better, and booze free now that alcohol isn't there as an avoidance. I just hope my wife and son can forgive me and put up with me until I sort things out.

RenewalOfLife

A thought about your four year old - don’t try too hard. Kids can sense way more than we give them credit for. I’ve found that when my kids were pulling away (at any age) it didn’t work to plead for them to come back. But, that doesn’t mean being aloof, or ignoring them either.

Example - with a four year old, I would engage in what I know is one of his interests, and let him come to me. Sit down and start building a lego building without drawing attention to yourself and a four year old will often be drawn like a magnet. Don’t heap tons of praise when he does engage, just be cool, smile, and say “this is fun!” If it doesn’t work the first time try something else he enjoys, even if it’s putting on a movie he likes (which is more of a parallel activity, but lets him know Dad enjoys what he enjoys).

Sending you lots of encouragement! Stay strong!

kinzoku

Look at it this way with the "things were better when I was drinking". As others have said, its unlikely that is true its just your alcoholic voice lying to you. But lets say its true, you certainly CAP yourself out, limit yourself, with 8-10 drinks a night. You aren't gonna get BETTER. Sobriety is a clean slate, the opportunity to be better. Which is scary man. But its what you gotta do if you wanna improve yourself.

I believe with the sincere desire to be sober and to be a good father and husband, you will be on the right track and you will find a way. May be time to reach out to as many resources as possible to help. I hope someone else here more knowledgeable than me can recommend the proper avenues for therapy / improvement on the home and family front.


**EDIT*

On forgiveness, I forgive both my parents because they have improved themselves and become better people, and because I know they were human, for all their faults as I grew up.

Surrendered19

That behavior from your son is such a normal part of child development. My youngest went through a stage when she was 1 and it lasted for about 18 months - I was the ONLY person on the planet that was allowed to hold her, put her to bed, read her stories, etc. Her wonderful Mom - who was not a mean drunk like I was then - was deeply wounded by that but there was simply no fighting it. It is just how they explore the world and start to learn about relationships. It is hard, I know, but you have to do your best to not attribute any intent to hurt you on the part of a 4-year old. One day it will just change.

I hope I don't insult you when I say you aren't the first person to swear up and down what fun they were when they were drunk, when in reality, many of us were loud sloppy noisy unpredictable jerks. My only reason for pointing that out is that your perception is probably not completely accurate, and it will be better for all if you stay stopped.

I think the more still you are, the more predictable, the more quiet and calm, the less pouty and self-centered you can be, the sooner your son and your wife will begin to view you as someone who is not a liability to be around. You so obviously care deeply about those relationships but right now you aren't really presenting an upside for them. A wounded and hurt dad and husband scares the both of them I'm sure. A supportive and steady dad and husband, one who is positive and healthy, is what will bring them back to you

Anna

This is it, exactly. And, it's very challenging, because most of us alcoholics have avoided dealing with emotions for a long time. But, you can do it. Stay open and know for sure that you can feel your feelings and then let them go. They do not control you.

fishkiller

What Anna said

I know my emotions and thoughts were all over the place for a few months.

Hang in there

It gets MUCH Better!

jim86

Just wanted to say keep going Alchy. It gets better.

I've got a five year old and a two year old and I was found myself getting so annoyed with them when I first got sober seven months ago. My emotions were so unpredictable but over time they've settled down and I'm a more mellow dad than I've ever been now.