Day 8 - My friend turns out to be an alcoholic !
 

So I have a dear friend in this neighbourhood who I knew in the past had had problems with eating disorders and drugs . We were both awake very early this morning and she phoned me to say she had been up all night at an ‘online’ AA meeting in New York . She said she recognised she had a problem with alcohol, had decided to do something about it and could never have a drink again. You’d think this would be the perfect opportunity for me to go “Guess what ? Me too ! Let’s support each other “.. but no ! Instead I went “Oh yes, I feel much better when I don’t drink and am trying to stop too ...” which is much less than half the truth ! I feel guilty and like I’m a bad friend ! How come I can admit everything anonymously to you guys but I can’t support my friend (and myself) by admitting that I have the same problem ? I’m seeing her next week for a walk.. and I need to up my truth game ! It can only help both of us !

It's okay. You don't have to tell her at all, really. It's completely up to you how you choose to word it.

I think what you said is enough, but if you want to elaborate with her - just be aware that she is under no "law" to stay quiet about it to your other neighbors. Of course depending on your past behaviors they may already have formed their own opinions.

I don't particularly like the word "alcoholic." I don't use it with anyone outside this site.

Thanks for sharing that. My first reaction was: Don't be too hard on yourself. We all fall short of our chosen ideals on a regular basis. That's why the Big Book gives us a plan of action for "when" our character defects crop up -- not "if" they crop up. My second reaction was that this is something that might be worth running through 4 columns. On some basic level it seems fair to say you have a resentment against yourself, and the Big Book tells us: "In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper." One thing my experience abundantly confirms is that I've never once run a resentment through the 4 columns and concluded the time spent doing that was a waste of time.

I agree. She chose to tell you; that doesn't mean you have to reciprocate. You can be a good friend by just listening to her.

You were not dishonest ICDT and your health is your business and nobody else's. Tell her anything you want to but you are under no obligation to do so. Remember too, at least in the U.S., discrimination against addicts is a phenomenon the courts address. The reason courts take it seriously is because society at large has all sorts of unkind stereotypes about us that are simply not accurate. Anyway, you don't need to go shouting anything from the mountaintops to be in a good, healthy long-term recovery. As with any other kind of deeply personal information about yourself, it is best to share that only with those you trust.

You are allowed to keep your truth with you. Not telling someone about your recovery does not mean you are lying. There are some things that I just dont think others need to know. My recovery and issues around alcohol are 100% my business.

I’m with the general consensus that your relationship with alcohol and recovery are your business. You are under no obligation to share simply because your neighbor chose to tell you about her problem. You don’t need a label of alcoholic to get sober, either. I think what you said, and that you’re trying to stop, is supportive.