sortofhomecomin

Does anyone have experience of dealing with a verbally abusive and psychologically manipulative family member, specifically in my case an elderly parent? I feel as though everything I do, I am criticised and attacked. She constantly sets up verbal traps for me.

Moving is out of the question for the time being, for financial reasons.

sortofhomecomin

Oh never mind. I'll just have to deal with it. It's not her fault I'm an alcoholic.

Dee74

It's a difficult situation to deal with if you can't move out and speaking with the person about it is difficult. I returned to my folks house for a little time before I got sober and still get the old song and dance from time to time.

I've found tho, the longer I was sober the more I had an innate sense of who I was and other peoples negative opinions of me have less impact - to put it another way - I know my own strengths and weaknesses and I'm far more aware now of when the criticism is valid and when its not.

When I find myself reacting in the same old way I stop and think about a different approach. I may not be able to change others but I can change myself.

D

Anna

I'm really sorry that you are in this situation and that you can't move out right now. I was not strong enough to deal with my mother in early recovery and so I distanced myself in order to focus on getting better. I was fortunate to not be living with her and wasn't even in the same city. Still I found that distancing myself really helped me to built my self-esteem. Are you able to see yourself being able to move out in the near future? Maybe saving money for a place of your own would help you to feel better to navigate through this situation.

Mizz

My birth family is a real piece of work.

Emotional and mental abuse run rampant. The only way I have been able to get clarity and emotional and mental health is by distance and removal of family members. To this day there is limited contact with one parental unit. Some members I will not speak with or allow in my life.

I agree with Anna. Working towards a way out of your parents house is going to be very beneficial for you. Rent a room? Rent a studio? There has to be some options that have not been looked at yet.

sortofhomecomin

Unfortunately financially it is not remotely possible as I am unemployed and live in Dublin which is very expensive. Today she started a row over nothing again. She said if I could replace the key fob battery in her second, I said as a holding operation to avoid nagging, you would probably have to go to garage for that. So when she was taking her afternoon nap, I was trying the key fob with different batteries. Then a delivery man arrived with flowers ordered by my brother for Mother's Day (I bought her some yesterday). I called out to her 'your flowers have arrived', she got up and said 'oh that's nice I didn't hear him', I said 'he didn't need to come to door, I was outside trying to sort your key fob' then she started on angrily about why was I outside, I never told you to replace battery, I just told you to take out battery as my horn is starting for no reason'. Well, any commonsense person would assume she meant to replace the battery, right? Is that not an objective take? She never mentioned anything about the horn.

Mizz

I mean, she could take the battery out herself instead of micromanaging the situation and creating drama. Is she incapable of handling that sort of thing? I am sorry you are dealing with that sort of behavior.

It sounds like space is the key.

Libby06

Sort, my first thought was "no good deed goes unpunished". Has she always been this difficult? I had little tolerance for these type things when newly sober. I could deal with it while drinking, or maybe I never noticed this is how some people always were.

Maybe you cant blame her if this is who she has always been? Can you shrug it off and not sweat the small stuff while you are recovering? For me, it was always the small stuff that got me agitated and then led to drinking.

Please be careful and pick your battles wisely. It is hard co habitating and it sounds like you are lucky she is putting you up. Not to say you have to acept abuse. It just sounds like she is cranky and you are the closest target.

There is a price to pay for eveything. Stay the course and eventually you will get out of there!

sortofhomecomin

^ thanks very much Libby and Mizz. Mizz, she is quite elderly so I wouldn't expect her to take battery out herself, even younger people can struggle with that kind of thing. Well it turned out the key fob was in the washing machine, that's why it stopped working. The reason she wanted me to take out the battery and not replace it with new one was that it was shortcircuiting and activating the car horn from the house! She hadn't mentioned it to me before about it being in the washing machine. I think maybe she was embarassed to admit it but she is elderly and let's face it we've all done things like that, young or old. I managed to destroy a mobile phone in a washing machine years' ago and I don't even think I was drunk. Rest of family were here for mother's day. All was peacable and polite, thankfully.

sortofhomecomin

I started working part-time. The relationship with my mum has already improved as I am/will be out of the house more and we won't be in each other's way.

Anna

That sounds like a good idea, Sortofhomecomin. I hope you enjoy your new job.

Dee74

congrats on the job Sort

D

kinzoku

https://www.healthline.com/health/gr...#offer-nothing

Thats so hard, good for you first of all for your sober journey. Secondly I might reccomend this tactic for dealing with emotionally abusive situations you cant escape for the time being. Refusal to engage.

sortofhomecomin

Thanks v much Anna, Dee74 and kinzoku.

Scd619x

You didn't come out an alcoholic baby!

sortofhomecomin

Well there is such a thing as fetal alcohol syndrome, but certainly didn't have it! My parents were both drinkers and my mother still drinks in tiny amounts now and again, but neither were what I would consider to be alcoholic drinkers.

sortofhomecomin

My mum was horrible to me yesterday.

She asked me to move some bags of garden fertiliser from her car to the garden. I moved two to the back garden and was just about to carry the third into the house (the house has no side passage) when she shouted "I said leave that one in the front". Then she started on about my niece's birthday on Saturday and had I got a present. I had already agreed with my brother that I would get chocolates. I won a voucher and asked him if there was anything she wanted from the shop the voucher was from and he replied "spend that on yourself, she will be getting plenty of presents, just get her chocolates." My mum maintained I should ignore this, over her own father's wishes. Then at dinner she said "maybe you should look for a job". I said "I just started a new job and there aren't many jobs for accountants out there at the moment". (I don't actually feel capable of full time work at the moment).

She has turned into the definition of a nasty grumpy difficult elderly person. She was not like this when she was younger.

sortofhomecomin

When I get back from work I will raise her behaviour with her and mention that I will inform my brother and sister if it goes on.

Dee74

Not making excuses for her at all...but is she dealing with any kind of chronic pain Sort?
that can change a persons demeanour and outlook as they age. \

D

labgirl

Hey sort. Congrats on your new job! Keep up the good work. I'm sorry for the difficulties you're having with your mom right now. I hope this will pass soon for you. Take care.