Need some help
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Need some help
Alcohol has, and continues to be a major factor in troubles in my life.
Yet, no reasonable person could argue that it's the "demon" drink that is the root of all pain. I feel like crying with frustration when well meaning people truly believe that nothing awful or regretful, could or would have happened had I never drank.
If I were more humble, drive out my ego, I would never have been adopted (at six) weeks, my biological Mother did not drink, just for the record, she did chain smoke, hey ho.
I would not ever choose the "wrong" men to love, the list is endless, my apple tree would not have died last year had I been sober !
Yet, no reasonable person could argue that it's the "demon" drink that is the root of all pain. I feel like crying with frustration when well meaning people truly believe that nothing awful or regretful, could or would have happened had I never drank.
If I were more humble, drive out my ego, I would never have been adopted (at six) weeks, my biological Mother did not drink, just for the record, she did chain smoke, hey ho.
I would not ever choose the "wrong" men to love, the list is endless, my apple tree would not have died last year had I been sober !
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Originally Posted by Anna 
Life is full of ups and downs regardless of alcohol being involved. But, clearly alcohol makes everything worse.
Thank you X
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Events are objective reality. An issue many people, especially alcoholic, seem to have is a problem in subjectively judging those events. All of those "bad" events are only bad because you are perceiving them to be. I had two horribly negative (at the time) life changing events happen in a three month span in 2017. Those two events both ended up being things that were positive in the long run - I just couldn't see it at the time. I shudder to think what my life would be like if they didn't happen. Probably still at the bars and driving home drunk. Maybe a worse event would have happened.
Drinking wasn't the the root of all pain for me. My thinking pattern was. Outside events are going to happen whether we want them to or no. All we can control is our reaction to those events, our thoughts and our actions. Peace and happiness comes from the internal.
Drinking wasn't the the root of all pain for me. My thinking pattern was. Outside events are going to happen whether we want them to or no. All we can control is our reaction to those events, our thoughts and our actions. Peace and happiness comes from the internal.
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Thank you
Originally Posted by Vincent484
Events are objective reality. An issue many people, especially alcoholic, seem to have is a problem in subjectively judging those events. All of those "bad" events are only bad because you are perceiving them to be. I had two horribly negative (at the time) life changing events happen in a three month span in 2017. Those two events both ended up being things that were positive in the long run - I just couldn't see it at the time. I shudder to think what my life would be like if they didn't happen. Probably still at the bars and driving home drunk. Maybe a worse event would have happened.
Drinking wasn't the the root of all pain for me. My thinking pattern was. Outside events are going to happen whether we want them to or no. All we can control is our reaction to those events, our thoughts and our actions. Peace and happiness comes from the internal.
Drinking wasn't the the root of all pain for me. My thinking pattern was. Outside events are going to happen whether we want them to or no. All we can control is our reaction to those events, our thoughts and our actions. Peace and happiness comes from the internal.
We, all. of us have a selfish world view. It's all about "me".
In no way do most drunk drivers intend to kill, to be frank they do not care and sincerely believe they can avoid responsibly,
I am glad for you that something good came of it my Friend
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Wanting to quit, even knowing one 'should' quit , is not the same as deciding to quit.
Once one decides to quit, all debate ends.
ps the quitters' way out is the best and simplest.
Quit so hard you're quat, you'll love it and amaze yourself, 100 % doable
rootin for ya
Once one decides to quit, all debate ends.
ps the quitters' way out is the best and simplest.
Quit so hard you're quat, you'll love it and amaze yourself, 100 % doable
rootin for ya
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Originally Posted by JamesW
Alcohol has, and continues to be a major factor in troubles in my life.
Yet, no reasonable person could argue that it's the "demon" drink that is the root of all pain. I feel like crying with frustration when well meaning people truly believe that nothing awful or regretful, could or would have happened had I never drank.
Yet, no reasonable person could argue that it's the "demon" drink that is the root of all pain. I feel like crying with frustration when well meaning people truly believe that nothing awful or regretful, could or would have happened had I never drank.
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Thank you
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
For me what was most important was admitting that there was indeed a problem. What percentage of that problem can be attributed to the alcohol itself vs some innate part of me was really not important. Yes, you will find well meaning ( and ill-meaning ) people that have a lot to say about things they know nothing about, addiction being one of them. Your best bet is to focus on things you can control - like seeking help here and making wise choices about how you live your life.
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like Anna said every life has its ups and downs, alcoholics or not - but addiction made things worse no matter what I chose,or what happened to me.
I can't spend to much time on the woulda been,shoulda beens or coulda beens...of course they are important - but they're fixed points in time- I can't change any of that now however much I might want to.
What I can change is my today and tomorrow and that is where I am best to direct my energy.
D
I can't spend to much time on the woulda been,shoulda beens or coulda beens...of course they are important - but they're fixed points in time- I can't change any of that now however much I might want to.
What I can change is my today and tomorrow and that is where I am best to direct my energy.
D
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James, I agree. I was raised by an alcoholic and spent much of my life resenting her and the chaos she caused in our home. I am handicapped, and that has made it difficult to maintain a career, especially as I get older. These and other painful truths in my life were like planets in my drunken existence, at the center of which was my drinking. I have been sober now for over a decade, my career (such as it is) is about the same, my childhood didn't magically get re-written, and I am still deaf as a haddock. On the other hand, I am now married over five years, I am healthy, and have healthy relationships with people I am proud to call friends. My life is not just better, it is bigger. Alcohol didn't create all those things that caused me pain, but the consequences of my drinking ultimately was the thing that brought me to despair.
I don't know your story, and I will never know your pain. But I can say with confidence that your life will be better without alcohol.
I don't know your story, and I will never know your pain. But I can say with confidence that your life will be better without alcohol.
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There's a subtle, not-so-subtle thing shouting out from your original post, James....
"If I were more humble, drive out my ego, I would never have been adopted (at six) weeks, "
It strikes me pretty powerfully. I'm not sure whether you meant it as it was typed....
but the reason is stood so starkly for me is it seemed a little familiar.
It may be simply my own lens coloring the interpretation.
But what it touched for me was my wound of 'I'm not good enough.... I'm not ENOUGH'.
I know now that is one of the big reasons I sought solace in drink, in drugs, in escapism, in sex.... why I'm forever-wired to try and be worthy.
Feeling 'not good enough' for whatever traumatic reason we carry our original wounds can be a deeply, deeply difficult thing to heal and can lead to self talk and shame that we just want to bury, numb, burn out, run from.
I wonder if you've done much work to dive into that comment, into that "If I were somehow better, I would have never been given up by my mother" sentiment.
It wasn't your fault James.
No amount of humility or blame of that little child could ever have changed the circumstances or decision of that mother....
"If I were more humble, drive out my ego, I would never have been adopted (at six) weeks, "
It strikes me pretty powerfully. I'm not sure whether you meant it as it was typed....
but the reason is stood so starkly for me is it seemed a little familiar.
It may be simply my own lens coloring the interpretation.
But what it touched for me was my wound of 'I'm not good enough.... I'm not ENOUGH'.
I know now that is one of the big reasons I sought solace in drink, in drugs, in escapism, in sex.... why I'm forever-wired to try and be worthy.
Feeling 'not good enough' for whatever traumatic reason we carry our original wounds can be a deeply, deeply difficult thing to heal and can lead to self talk and shame that we just want to bury, numb, burn out, run from.
I wonder if you've done much work to dive into that comment, into that "If I were somehow better, I would have never been given up by my mother" sentiment.
It wasn't your fault James.
No amount of humility or blame of that little child could ever have changed the circumstances or decision of that mother....
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I drive myself crazy at times thinking about how alcohol affected my life for decades. I also feel that without booze a lot of bad relationships wouldn't have happened because I would never had got together with those people in the first place.
One thing for sure is that when you stop drinking, things start to go right!
One thing for sure is that when you stop drinking, things start to go right!
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 527
Thanks for sharing. Based on my experience the bottom line is either you're an alcoholic or you're not. If you're an alcoholic, then you either recover from your alcoholism or you die a premature alcoholic death (along with all the pain and suffering for yourself and others that comes with that). Everything else is everything else. IOW, it's not that there aren't myriad other bad things that life serves up, it's just that an alcoholic can't even begin to deal with those problems effectively (and learn to enjoy life in spite of those problems) unless they recover from their alcoholism.
The following quote from the Big Book might be relevant (emphasis mine):
We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve.... On the other hand-and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand-once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules.
The following quote from the Big Book might be relevant (emphasis mine):
We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve.... On the other hand-and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand-once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules.
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl
There's a subtle, not-so-subtle thing shouting out from your original post, James....
"If I were more humble, drive out my ego, I would never have been adopted (at six) weeks, "
It strikes me pretty powerfully. I'm not sure whether you meant it as it was typed....
but the reason is stood so starkly for me is it seemed a little familiar.
It may be simply my own lens coloring the interpretation.
But what it touched for me was my wound of 'I'm not good enough.... I'm not ENOUGH'.
I know now that is one of the big reasons I sought solace in drink, in drugs, in escapism, in sex.... why I'm forever-wired to try and be worthy.
Feeling 'not good enough' for whatever traumatic reason we carry our original wounds can be a deeply, deeply difficult thing to heal and can lead to self talk and shame that we just want to bury, numb, burn out, run from.
I wonder if you've done much work to dive into that comment, into that "If I were somehow better, I would have never been given up by my mother" sentiment.
It wasn't your fault James.
No amount of humility or blame of that little child could ever have changed the circumstances or decision of that mother....
"If I were more humble, drive out my ego, I would never have been adopted (at six) weeks, "
It strikes me pretty powerfully. I'm not sure whether you meant it as it was typed....
but the reason is stood so starkly for me is it seemed a little familiar.
It may be simply my own lens coloring the interpretation.
But what it touched for me was my wound of 'I'm not good enough.... I'm not ENOUGH'.
I know now that is one of the big reasons I sought solace in drink, in drugs, in escapism, in sex.... why I'm forever-wired to try and be worthy.
Feeling 'not good enough' for whatever traumatic reason we carry our original wounds can be a deeply, deeply difficult thing to heal and can lead to self talk and shame that we just want to bury, numb, burn out, run from.
I wonder if you've done much work to dive into that comment, into that "If I were somehow better, I would have never been given up by my mother" sentiment.
It wasn't your fault James.
No amount of humility or blame of that little child could ever have changed the circumstances or decision of that mother....
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
of course.... you are very welcome. And may those words sink deep into your heart and wrap their arms around that little JamesW who needs YOU and YOUR love, too.
Not only are you 'ENOUGH' - you are blessed and Loved and worthy and deserving and James..... you need not carry the weight of others' failures, flaws and pain.
keep at it, work on you, work on sobriety, it will get better.
Not only are you 'ENOUGH' - you are blessed and Loved and worthy and deserving and James..... you need not carry the weight of others' failures, flaws and pain.
keep at it, work on you, work on sobriety, it will get better.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: TX
Posts: 23
Drinking definitely ruined my life. I feel you there.
I wish i could take back the time I forced myself to drink a Schlitz Malt Liquor in the barn as a teenager. I did it because of peer pressure. I have screwed up so many things because of it.
We are in this war together. We can do it.
I wish i could take back the time I forced myself to drink a Schlitz Malt Liquor in the barn as a teenager. I did it because of peer pressure. I have screwed up so many things because of it.
We are in this war together. We can do it.
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Join Date: Feb 2021
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It's a catch 22 for me. I do way more damage when drinking is in my life in whatever quantity as i have an extremely unhealthy relationship with alcohol and my belief system regarding alcohol is nuts. That said i do way less with my life when i am sober for a length of time and don't change. I was abstinent for 6 years and did basically nothing with my life apart from work, go home, go to meetings and that's it although didn't want to die on an almost daily basis, whereas the previous 6 years from that i was drinking and travelling round Europe doing what i wanted but felt like absolute hell. Somewhere there has to be a balance for me without alcohol and not watching the years go by! Getting a hobby didn't cut it for me, tried that a few times, i need to change.
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Thank you
Originally Posted by Scd619x
It's a catch 22 for me. I do way more damage when drinking is in my life in whatever quantity as i have an extremely unhealthy relationship with alcohol and my belief system regarding alcohol is nuts. That said i do way less with my life when i am sober for a length of time and don't change. I was abstinent for 6 years and did basically nothing with my life apart from work, go home, go to meetings and that's it although didn't want to die on an almost daily basis, whereas the previous 6 years from that i was drinking and travelling round Europe doing what i wanted but felt like absolute hell. Somewhere there has to be a balance for me without alcohol and not watching the years go by! Getting a hobby didn't cut it for me, tried that a few times, i need to change.
Your life sounds good to me, and the pendulum must swing, but always finds it's own level.
Best of good luck
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Originally Posted by JamesW
Alcohol has, and continues to be a major factor in troubles in my life.
Yet, no reasonable person could argue that it's the "demon" drink that is the root of all pain. I feel like crying with frustration when well meaning people truly believe that nothing awful or regretful, could or would have happened had I never drank.
If I were more humble, drive out my ego, I would never have been adopted (at six) weeks, my biological Mother did not drink, just for the record, she did chain smoke, hey ho.
I would not ever choose the "wrong" men to love, the list is endless, my apple tree would not have died last year had I been sober !
Yet, no reasonable person could argue that it's the "demon" drink that is the root of all pain. I feel like crying with frustration when well meaning people truly believe that nothing awful or regretful, could or would have happened had I never drank.
If I were more humble, drive out my ego, I would never have been adopted (at six) weeks, my biological Mother did not drink, just for the record, she did chain smoke, hey ho.
I would not ever choose the "wrong" men to love, the list is endless, my apple tree would not have died last year had I been sober !
Once you get past the initial "high" of early sobriety, you start to realize that aches, pains, anxiety, health problems, grief, guilt -- they're all waiting for you at the other end. I had to *learn* to do life without the crutch of chemically-induced escapism, forgive myself for the wasted time, and move forward.
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