BLUESMAN52

No,
I didn't mean it that way. I have the choice, I know that.
I keep making the wrong one.
I would never blame anybody for my actions.

spirit

hi joe, you did this yourself mate, just like i had a drink on christmas day here.

1/2 hour before while cooking barbque with my dad i told him i was on hte wagon again. he said great. then my cousin walks in with a bottle of shiraz. i think we cant let him drink alone, so i check with muzz if it is ok, he says, up to me, so i have a drink with my cousin. that is fine, we finish that bottle then i suggest we open another, a christmas gift to muzz. oh oh, there were some stern looks and the bottle dissappeared, i did some dishwashing therapy and got over it.

so joe i could have blamed my cousin for bringing the wine, muzz for saying i could have a glass (as if i would have agreed if he said no!!) and not tried to pick a fight when they would open the other bottle!!. so it was down to me. i dont feel bad though .

we do these things ourselves. take care and hugs
kath

ps mind you my brother took off home pretty quicklywhen i suggested we try his sample gift pack of irish whiskeys hahahah

oh well happy christmas all

BLUESMAN52

(((Kath)))
I know it was my own doing. I am so upset at myself. I didn't even enjoy it. I just kept drinking because that's the way it is. I start and can't stop.

Ya think I would learn my lesson by now? Especially while taking meds?

I guess I'll just start over again eh?

Talk soon,

Hugs right back to ya

spirit

ok, joe, lets start again together hey!!!

one step forward, no steps back, marching forward again, i will if you will and we both can hon!!!

hugs
kath

BLUESMAN52

I am gonna do it this time.
I am gonna remember the way I feel right now, and all the delicious food that I couldn't eat because I was so sick.

It's Christmas day here, and no better day to start a new life.

spirit

excactly, so happy christmas to you and the family hon, if it gets tough during the day, just wander outside, take a deep breath, count to ten and reenter the party.

if all else fails, do dishes hahaha, hugs and hope you have a great day.

kath

kckman

:couchpota :xmas9 :xmasu Dont quit, get up, dust off, most of all, learn from mistakes made in the past to live like you want in the moment. Greetings, Salutations, Peace and Love

BLUESMAN52

Hey kckman

That's all I can do. I am not going to quit.
I always say the same thing after a slip. I say....." I start to feel real good after about a month of meds and no alcohol, and that's when I get dangerous..."

I guess it is then when I should realize I am going to crave a drink, and I should either get to a meeting, or just go to bed. It was hard. A house full of people for Christmas. How do you excuse yourself and go to a meeting or go to bed when you are the cook and server. I knew what I was supposed to do, but I chose the easy way out. Now I am paying the price.

Peace

kckman

Joe, I dont think you choose the easier way. I know for myself that picking up that drink is the harder way now. Living a life choosing abstence is something I am learning to be proactive with. The truth is I like living without consuming alcohol. It just feels so much better without then with. It is something to do. It takes effort. I am on your sides. Keep on trukin :xmasx :xmas1

BLUESMAN52

I guess I just have to work harder at it, I don't know what else to say.
Every time I slip, I wake up the next day calling myself a F____ing A$$hole.
I have lived with alcohol since I am 13. I don't know how to have fun anymore. I don't know how to live anymore, so I turn to a drink because that's all I know. Stupid, very stupid. You think by now I wouls see it is not helping anymore. Self-medicating with booze is poison to me.
I am off to bed now. I guess I should skip my meds. I probably still have booze in my system.
Thanks for all your support.

spirit

no joe, stick with your meds, you cannot just stop them, that is dangerous, the booze will work its way out, just drink lots of water, try some vitamin b if you have some, eat. but dont jump off the meds mate

kath

2dayzmuse

Keep going to meetings Joe. Get a sponsor and do the step work. Then the cravings for alcohol will subside. I got through my first sober Christmas in 13 years. I had no desire to drink what so ever. I had a great time and the added bonus is, I can actually remember the days events. You can find sobriety as well. It takes work, but you have to want it bad enough to reclaim it. Keep fighting Joe...I'm with you all the way!

BLUESMAN52

Hi all

I did take my meds last night and I am eating and I don't intend to stop. Things are bad here right now. I really feel scared. It's been going on even when I was sober for 99 days. My depression is worsening. I am afraid to get out of bed. I hate the cold, I hate the heat. All things I used to enjoy have become fears. My doc says face the fears and they will go away, but they don't.
I have a boy here who is just dying to go out and play football, but I can't get myself to do it. I know my posts sound like I am on a roller coaster ride, sometimes happy, sometimes sad, but I can't help that. So far, nothing has helped.
Meds, meetings, sobriety, nothing.
So, for today, all I can do is wait for bedtime. I am even getting panic attacks at meetings. I can't be around people. I probably need to be in a rehab but I can't afford the copays, and there is nobody to watch my son. Yup, how many times have I posted that line? It's true. I am stuck here in the hands of God. I pray, and I sleep.
I have no more words.

Time2Surrender

Joe,today is the first time I ever read this thread.All I can say is I am glad you are hear.Keep coming back like your doing.Sorry to hear about your relapse.Dont be so hard on yourself.It happens to the best of us.Reading your posts,i see you have good days too.Stay sober one day at a time no matter what.Things will get better.Recovery doesnt happen over night,and it also takes a lot of work.But the pay off is well worth it.Most of us spent years abusing alcohol,and or drugs.So it does take time to get better again.You can do this.No matter waht just dont drink,one day at a time.Go to meetings,get a sponser,be honest with your self and your sponser,work thre steps like your life depends on it (cause it does) and surrender to God and recovery.

Dan

I am stuck here in the hands of God.

They tell me faith is the antidote to fear.
And most days, that works for me. Some days though...
I can think of worse places to be stuck Joe. The hands of God, as I see them anyway, is a safe place to park your soul in for a moment or two.
But while you're there, again, as it was explained to me, you're to look for the answers you need. And that's a long journey for some of us. We get so programmed to live the worst of our emotions, often overlooking the good ones.
All I really know, and that's not much, is that all of us have the potential to come out the other side of depression.
And the first step towards that is to never, ever give up.
Ever.
BluesMan

BLUESMAN52

Thanks folks....
I guess I could have chose a better word than "stuck", eh?
Being in the hands of God is all I have right now. I can't stop crying again.
I am so very afraid.
I'll keep in touch, and I promise I won't give up. I have all next week with my son because of the holidays, and I don't even look forward to it. I feel he deserves so much better than me. Man, I gotta go....I can't stop the tears.

Time2Surrender

Joe,being in God's hands is all you need.Crying,and being afraid is ok.We have all been there.And dont feel like your son deserves better.Hang in there and keep working to become the man you want to be.

BLUESMAN52

I'm doin' what I can.
It's gonna take a long time.
Thanks for all the support. All of you are great. Michael, Dan, Kath, Todayzmuze, and everybody.
Mountaingirl, where are you? You started this thread for me.....Thanks!

Time2Surrender

Just glad you here Joe.Keep coming back and keep working on it.Im going to be following this thread now and checking to see how your doing.You have a lotta people in here who care about you and believe in you.You even have your own thread "Dear Joe" Im almost jealous.I dont see a "Dear Michael" thread. Lol. Hang in there and keep your head up buddy.We will be praying for you.

BLUESMAN52

Michael,
I'll be here, don't worry.
I can use all the help I can get, and in the meantime, as I post my problems here, that too helps others see the poison that booze really is.