TheAten

I realise that this period of time for me is the “danger zone”, as in this is the time I usually relapse (between day 60-75). I’m on day 69 and my longest stretch of days ever prior to this was 73. I am becoming increasingly preoccupied with thoughts of drinking these days, and it’s filling me with an all too familiar feeling of astonishing excitement. I try everything to assuage these thoughts and feelings, from playing video games, to reading, taking baths and walking. I’ve been trying calligraphy, reading books in French, many things. I’ve thought of the consequences of my drinking - I know all too well the guilt, shame, devastation that it can, and almost guaranteed, will bring. I am not being complacent and I am trying to do everything to not feel the way that I do, but this is where I am right now. The only similar feeling to the one I’m experiencing right now (and have in the past) is one where I’ve had sex with an ex; it’s always a monumental mistake, but the sheer intensity of the lust I feel is so powerful, it’s almost overwhelming to resist. I’ve entered the “f!ck it” zone, and I know that this is critical. This is where it always falls apart. This mental compulsion to drink truly feels like demonic possession, and has tormented me in various ways the past couple of weeks to try and get me to cave. It is always, however, the “eff it” stage of assault that I succumb to, and usually quickly and with force. To the outside world, I would appear silent and almost serene, but internally, a war of catastrophic proportions is raging, and I can do little but fight with all my strength against this unwelcome invader.

doggonecarl

This doesn't have to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You aren't destined to drink, though your addiction may try to convince you otherwise.

biminiblue

Of course you can make it past that.

At some point we all had to have that moment where we said, "Ya know what? Never drinking again. The End."

I mean, that's all there is to it.

Any thought to the contrary is temporary insanity or delusion. We all have that, too. Doesn't mean I would give in to it. It's a thought. Thoughts don't have money, arms, or mouths. Let it slide right by and don't dwell on it.

It's a mental game that you know how to win.

Make it so.

TheAten

I’m not saying I am going to drink, nor am I making excuses for anything. I’m just saying exactly how I’m feeling, and how powerful the addictive voice is. The answer may be simple indeed, but that doesn’t make this easy.

Mizz

I cant tell if you have already decided that you are going to relapse?
It reads that way to me.......

Please keep posting.

Write a gratitude list
Go out and run.
Start a suduko book and do that until the end of the book.
Read a novel. Then another novel. Then another.
Start the New York Times crossword puzzle (the Sunday edition)
Knitting?

TheAten

No Mizz, I’m not going to 🙂 but I’m struggling like hell right now and I’m almost in physical agony with how much I want to drink - like I could gnaw off my own arm and it wouldn’t distract me. I’m not going to relapse because I’ve given in several times in the past and it’s always led me back to this point, and at sometime the wheel needs to break. I’m just admitting and saying out loud (you know what I mean, typing, haha) how I feel. I don’t do well when I keep how I feel inside. But I’m not giving in and I’m not going down.

Mizz

I hear you. I understand you.

Making it through this is going to be tough but once you get through it.....It will be over!
It wont last forever.

The next time will have less of a hold on you. I also dealt with this in the beginning coupled with out of control anxiety.
Keep posting. Keep close. You are doing so well.

RenewalOfLife

Thanks for sharing this raw and realistic description of what you're experiencing, TheAten. I think 69 days is monumental - and I hope you will recognize your strength and perseverance when you get to 74 and 75 and beyond. It makes sense that your addictive voice is ranting in your ear right now. Keep fighting, and remind that a$$hat that IT WILL NOT WIN. Sending you lots of encouragement!

Bonnefond87

That sounds really really challenging. Sending you love and support. Each day will be a victory

TheAten

Thanks for the support everyone and I hope I help by posting as well - I know so many posts help me. This is just where I am on my journey and I feel it’s important to share. One week from now I’ll have cleared this personal milestone. To go back to drinking after all this I’m going through would truly be insane! The death throes of a foe are often the most violent and I hope that this is what I’m experiencing.

Again, thank you for the support.

Anna

I'm really glad you shared your feelings about this time period. I'm so happy that you're getting through it. The AV knows that it's losing and it's pulling out all the stops to convince you to cave. But, I believe that when you pass Day 74/75, you will feel so empowered.

D122y

My madness kicked in hard at about 90 days. I was going insane. Googled why and found SR.

That is when I realized I had brain damage from drinking. I was feeling clinically insane.

If i had gone to a Dr. I likely would have been given anti anxiety/depression meds. They tell me this could be for life.

Instead, I found that if i totally blasted my body physically, e.g. run as far and and fast as I could, lifting as much weight as I could, I got high.

I now don't required that much stimulation to feel normal any more, but still enjoy a somewhat vigorous workout several times a week.

Exercise, SR reading/posting, helping folks at work and around, being nice to my family etc. all contribute to my born again non drinker natural high.

I was in a living hell, off and on, for well over 3 years. The hell lessened and lessened, but didn't go away.

These days, it is all but gone. My addict mind tells me it is time to drink again.

I will never be out of the woods. I am always 1 drink away from a total meltdown life ending relapse.

Never going to happen. I would not make it through another relapse.

Thanks.

advbike

Awesome fight, man! You have helped many in describing it. You have helped me.

You have great self awareness and you can get through this. You know it is that Beast fighting for it's life. It doesn't care if it brings you down as long as it feels the buzz, and by your commitment you are killing it.

Don't give up, TheAten.

FreeOwl

when I had feelings like that at challenging times like that, I'd get to a meeting. Three meetings. Ten meetings. And I'd read the Big Book again. And I'd go to my therapist. And I'd hit the gym. And call three sober friends..... I'd do whatever it took to get by it without a drink and to alleviate those pressures by reminding myself in clear and present ways that what I WANT is sobriety.

You can do it.

RecklessDrunk

I agree, I like to push it but I have to be careful at 46 years old. To a pretty good extent even an easy few miles of running can provide much of that ease and comfort that I use to get from taking a few drinks.

For me its not just the ease and comfort after. The other part of the cycle. The insanity. When I'm completely sober and craving a poisonous chemical that destroys me. The anticipation of that ease and comfort. These days I often day dream during the work day about how I am going to feel after my run.

I would compare the two in my head, running and drinking. Running is going to be a pain in the neck, im going to have to get stretched out and dressed. It may be uncomfortable at first. Drinking is going to be a pain the neck as well. Im going to have to go out of my way to the loser store. I'm going to have to arrange for food go out of my way, cut into my drinking time. I'm going to have to stand in line and talk to people. If its after work its traffic time it will be a hassle. I'm going to have to spend money.

Then I get into how I will feel a little bit into the evening. Running may start with a little discomfort but I will quickly start to feel good about myself. It will be like a few beer buzz and then level off. Even a little bit like an opiate without getting all stupid or a touch of a marijuana high without getting too dreamy or paranoid.

The ease and comfort of a few drinks would soon turn to feeling like crap. Then the liability. Best case be smart and isolate and even electronically stay inactive. Worst case.... oh my what could go wrong!

Next morning after running vs next morning after drinking. Some of the best mornings vs some of the worst mornings.

Introvrtd1

I understand TheAten

I want to vent my frustration with paws symptoms as well...I don’t get cravings as bad as you describe (yet) but these other physical symptoms like the ones in my first 96 hours do come but are less intense and a lot more manageable....That tells me healing is indeed taking place and it truly is getting better....as much as I still deny it at the time...it’s getting better.

Keep posting and venting...I hear you and I understand..

Steely

The AV wants to kill me I think.

But I won't let it. I don't want to die. Not that way.

Sober is the only way for me to be. Even though I hate it sometimes.

You say it's "guaranteed" .... the madness....if you continue to drink. I agree.

You are doing great.

Hodd

1000%

You’ll realise this more and more as time goes on. When lockdown ends and people are drinking buckets of ale, you’ll be thankful you’ve done so well. I still can’t believe I’m in my third year of not drinking. You just get out of the habit, and it becomes the norm. Yes, it would become the new/old norm within a week if I started drinking again, but life’s surprisingly easier without alcohol. I don’t envy those who’ll be queuing at the pub doors when they reopen soon. That’s a cr*p life.

Dee74

wanting to gnaw your own arm off doesn't sound good tho.
Are you doing anything about it besides teeth grinding TheAten?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-cravings.html (CarolD's tips for cravings)

D

TheAten

Hi Dee

I’m doing everything I wrote in my original post. The situation is dire because of the pandemic and lockdown here in the UK. The gym is truly a haven for me and that is still closed with no hint of when it reopens. I’m also looking for work which again is hard at the moment. I’m making the absolute most of what I’ve got right now. I cook, I clean, I walk, I read, I play - in a few weeks I’ll buy plants and work on the garden (when we’re allowed to buy plants again - in Wales the garden centres are closed). I’m doing my best. Also, I think sometimes intense cravings are just normal; I’ve drank heavily and frequently my whole adult life, so I guess it would be normal to feel out of sorts as a person who no longer drinks and smokes. Apart from the dramatic and intense feelings, thoughts and emotions I’m going through, I think I’m dealing with it remarkably well. I’ve not been paralysed into inaction nor am I grumpy or unpleasant to those around me. I just need to write these things when I feel them and how I feel them, as a release and also to document this whole thing. And today is day 70 🙂