Mizz

It is okay that you are solely listening on the AA meetings. I did just that. I did not turn on my camera and I did not really participate in the ways of reading or talking. I listened. I listened every single night for one month. I found it very helpful to hear about the struggles that I have/ had.

When I got sober I knew that I needed structure BIG TIME.
I would wake in the morning to SR
Run or weights before work
Breakfast
Work (eat food during working hours)
After work I made hot tea right when I walked in the door.
Logged onto SR
Took a bath
Ate dinner
Attended a meeting
Bed
Rinse and repeat.
Day in and day out until I stabilized.

I still have this routine, minus the AA meetings, and when I do not adhere to this schedule I feel slightly off.

Get a routine. A healthy approach to your days and nights. You can do this. I promise you it works.....
Believe that you are going to heal and that you will get better. Lean on this community. One foot in front of the other.

labgirl

thanks hevyn. You're exactly right. Those feelings are so intense it makes me (gives me an excuse to) drink. I've got to overcome that reaction to shame and guilt.

least

Post here instead of drinking. We'll try our best to talk you out of it.

labgirl

Hey all. Ending Friday sober. I'm feeling very alone tonight. I've been on 3 aa zoom meetings tonight. SO is sleeping and has been since he got home from work. Family drama enused again tonight. I'm trying to fight the desire via listening and posting. It's a little easier tonight since I came back from that awful relapse the first of the week. If I could only keep those memories in my head.

Hevyn

Maybe try writing down how you felt after the relapse. Not to feel shame, but to remind yourself that you never want to go back to that miserable place. Drinking never accomplishes what we think it will. It's not an escape - all our problems are still there when we sober up, only now we're filled with regret. You don't need to go back there, labgirl.
Proud of you for staying sober tonight.

labgirl

Hevyn you were correct about writing those feelings down. I got the same suggestion in an aa meeting last night. I wrote down the awful feelings, sickness anxiety guilt twitchy muscles awful tastes and shame. It helped to get it out of my head a little.

feeling better today. Stomach is still a little off. Sleep is only here and there. Went to an early morning aa meeting. Still can't stand the thought of drink. That's s good thing.

Hevyn

I'm so glad you're feeling better. You're off to a good new start.

labgirl

Thank you hevyn.
I'm sober and on day 5 today. I struggled last night and ended up attending several aa meetings and journaled. One thing I've added is repeating the serenity pray when I start feeling the urge or just whenever I feel my stress level increasing. I've heard this recommendation in the past but never did it. It works!. I'm also starting my day, even before I get out of bed, talking with God. Asking for His guidance and help. It has made a difference for me. But I do still have to talk to him through out the day too.
thanks for reading. Hope you all have a great week.

advbike

Great job, labgirl. Five days is huge, the physical withdrawal is done and slowly the irritability, anxiety, restlessness etc will begin to ease up. You are doing a fantastic job of using all the tools - very impressed!

I also recommend exercise, as before, especially if you can get the heart rate up a bit. It really helps. Sometimes you just have to get away from being in your head, processing all the thoughts and feelings. Just go out and observe nature a little bit. I wouldn't survive a week without my walks, bike rides and the nature in my back yard.

LoveDD

Lab girl, I love your determination and reading your story. Your not alone. Keep up the good work! 👏

labgirl

Hey all. Checking in. What I've done today to stay sober.......being of service to my neighbors by picking up trash along the roadway in front of our houses, helping my family clear an area to move an old vehicle into, attended 2 aa zoom meetings and posted here. Also, I did not pick up a drink. That's all for now. Going to bed sober. Thanks

Mizz

you did amazing stuff today!

BeABetterMan

I would say that I am a very smart person. I am an engineer and I know "stuff" and can solve problems. So if I'm so smart why was it such a surprise to me that a natural byproduct of sobriety is that I would actually have to feel feelings? That I would have to endure them. And live through them and come out the other side of them. Holy ****, AWFUL! I NEED MY MEDICINE! Any miniscule disruption to my mental state required immediate numbing. Seriously, I could not tolerate any feelings. Even happiness drove me to drink.

You are not alone. Experiencing life and all of the feelings that come with it was so foreign to me. Mind bending. But I mean...maybe we can learn to live with our feelings. Other people do it. And feelings aren't always fact right? So maybe we make too much out of them? Maybe we can learn that it's ok to feel them? I think we can. Let's give ourselves the chance.

labgirl

Thanks BABM. You're right on all counts. Appreciate your insight.

labgirl

Hey. Ending another day sober. Thank God! Today I kept busy with a 2 mile walk this morning, a couple of errands (took my mom with me). Then came home and paid bills ( we have a family member in hospital with covid and I'm making sure their utility bills are being kept up). Walked and visited with my mom for a bit. Came home and attended a couple of aa zoom meetings. Right now I'm wiped out. Looking forward to a good nights sleep.
thanks and hope yall have a good night.

Hevyn

Wonderful to hear, lab. Keeping busy is key & you're doing it.
Sleep well.

Anna

Labgirl, I love that you had a 2-mile walk this morning. I can't say enough good things about the benefits of long walks. I'm glad you're doing well.

labgirl

hey mizz. I was just re-reading your post and I'm finding how absolutely right you are. I'm finding that a routine is so very important. I've got to make sure I keep it up and dont get lazy about it. Thanks again for your comments.

labgirl

hey hevyn. You are so right. I've got to keep busy. It keeps my mind occupied and makes me feel like I'm contributing thus eases those feelings of guilt and worthlessness. Thanks for your comments.

labgirl

hey anna. I agree with the walking. It helps me calm myself and I can feel some peace. It's like during that time it's just me and my higher power. No one else is expecting anything from me or judging what I'm doing or how I'm doing it (which in my head happens but likely in reality is not the case). Thank you for your comments.