Positive, energizing stress in early recovery
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Positive, energizing stress in early recovery
Here on SR, people often talk about how it's not a good idea to make significant life changes in early sobriety. I understand that and do believe it's good advice for many, but have also I'written in various posts during the past 3 or so months about how taking on significant changes, challenges and the accompanying stress is not negative for me at all, quite the opposite. I think it probably depends on one's personality, circumstances at the time of getting sober, and a variety of other things.
So a few months ago I submitted my resignation from a job I've had for >10 years - a great, fulfilling and even prestigious job that I loved for a long time but, after a while, more just used as a security blanket and procrastination from much-wanted professional and personal advancement. I have been preparing for a career transition for years and finally the time has come - taking sobriety seriously definitely helped in making the final decision, and I felt the relief and uplifting effect immediately after submitting my letter. It had to be followed by a few more months of intense, stressful wrapping up, but finally it's coming close to the end - next week! I'm overwhelmed but beyond excited
Have also been looking for a new home in the past ~2 months and am now in the middle of a complex and invasive application process for what could possibly be the best apartment I've had so far - right now just want to rent it for a while but might buy eventually. I've looked at so many places, met so many brokers and negotiated with so many people - am just exhausted, but also very energized by it. Much like the professional change, the move has been overdue.
Also very happy about having done all the medical appointments I procrastinated for a long time. I wanted to do all these before I quit the job because I had very good medical insurance there. Still need to do a couple tests and the dental work I wanted is still not complete (they just canceled what was supposed to be my second last appointment yesterday because someone in the office was diagnosed with COVID), but now all very close, assuming no complications.
I know many people in successful recovery say this, but the experience is something else... it's incredible how much progress and improvement can happen when we get sober, and for me all this stuff I chose to engage in very quickly. I did neglect attending meetings in the last couple weeks, but will get back on it in a couple weeks when everything will likely become much calmer. It's not an issue because I don't struggle with sobriety at all. I plan on taking a few months of vacation and want to use some of that time to really cement and expand my recovery work.
I also have a question: have others had similar experiences in early sobriety? We discuss stress and pain all the time, but often in the context of how it can negatively affect recovery... For me, even the moments I feel very overwhelmed and even dead tired, it does not register as a negative, it feels like living full-time, but not excessively Even my initially super strong and frequent alcohol cravings have subsided a lot, and I find the challenges help. I'm not describing some kind of manic spell or pink cloud, as I say there are a lot of challenges and unexpected things I would rather not deal with, I am careful and recognize dangers well, but it has not been easier to keep my balance for a long time. An upgrade in my wellbeing I have not experienced for a very long time. Anyone else with similar stories?
So a few months ago I submitted my resignation from a job I've had for >10 years - a great, fulfilling and even prestigious job that I loved for a long time but, after a while, more just used as a security blanket and procrastination from much-wanted professional and personal advancement. I have been preparing for a career transition for years and finally the time has come - taking sobriety seriously definitely helped in making the final decision, and I felt the relief and uplifting effect immediately after submitting my letter. It had to be followed by a few more months of intense, stressful wrapping up, but finally it's coming close to the end - next week! I'm overwhelmed but beyond excited
Have also been looking for a new home in the past ~2 months and am now in the middle of a complex and invasive application process for what could possibly be the best apartment I've had so far - right now just want to rent it for a while but might buy eventually. I've looked at so many places, met so many brokers and negotiated with so many people - am just exhausted, but also very energized by it. Much like the professional change, the move has been overdue.
Also very happy about having done all the medical appointments I procrastinated for a long time. I wanted to do all these before I quit the job because I had very good medical insurance there. Still need to do a couple tests and the dental work I wanted is still not complete (they just canceled what was supposed to be my second last appointment yesterday because someone in the office was diagnosed with COVID), but now all very close, assuming no complications.
I know many people in successful recovery say this, but the experience is something else... it's incredible how much progress and improvement can happen when we get sober, and for me all this stuff I chose to engage in very quickly. I did neglect attending meetings in the last couple weeks, but will get back on it in a couple weeks when everything will likely become much calmer. It's not an issue because I don't struggle with sobriety at all. I plan on taking a few months of vacation and want to use some of that time to really cement and expand my recovery work.
I also have a question: have others had similar experiences in early sobriety? We discuss stress and pain all the time, but often in the context of how it can negatively affect recovery... For me, even the moments I feel very overwhelmed and even dead tired, it does not register as a negative, it feels like living full-time, but not excessively
Even my initially super strong and frequent alcohol cravings have subsided a lot, and I find the challenges help. I'm not describing some kind of manic spell or pink cloud, as I say there are a lot of challenges and unexpected things I would rather not deal with, I am careful and recognize dangers well, but it has not been easier to keep my balance for a long time. An upgrade in my wellbeing I have not experienced for a very long time. Anyone else with similar stories?
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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I had been down the rabbit hole for so long, my first 6 months were spent cleaning up everything in my life. Literally every single item. I was living in filth. I hadn't seen a dentist or a doctor in years. I hadn't cleaned the toilets or tubs in at least a year. I hadn't dusted in 5 years. Suffice to say there were many many simple tasks. When I was done with those first few months I kept going. If I had not touched an item in my home for the last 6 months, I got rid of it. I happened upon a minimalist podcast and although I am not a strict minimalist (possess less than 100 things, including individual pieces of silverware), but my home and car are now uncluttered and clean. 15 months in to my sober journey, those simple but significant things still give me daily good vibes and physical simplicity is a very important part of my ongoing recovery. My early sobriety was very much like a boot camp for me. It had to be because I'd been drunk for 30 years, insanely crazily drunk for the last 10 of those.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
I drank off and on since I was 5. I quit when I was 50. Off and on anywhere from 1 to 20 units, sometimes taking months off to drinking every day. I thought I was good to go because I didn't always drink every day.
Wrong. I was/am forever damaged. I will never be normal. If I ever relapse (some poor souls call it "decide to drink again") I am sure going to go insane and need pro help.
In my case, I am still figuring out what I am like as a normal person. For a while, any stress seemed to be too much. Then it was periodic stress that sent me into panic mode. Then I went numb where I was just flat and mostly emotionless. Now I am mostly positive teetering on too happy sometimes. I don't know what the final out come will be except it will never never never involve a relapse.
I am keeping my eyes and plans looking forward because the past is gone. I learned from the mistakes and now I am a bit wiser.
Us ex drunks have a depth of character never drinkers and active addicts don't have. Many of the AA quotes seem to be based on this depth of character.
In closing, the real me is mostly out, but not all the way. At 3 months, the real me was buried in a deep horrible hell on earth. It took well over a year to start to see some wonderful normalization. I am mostly med free except for 10 mg of Lisinopril for my blood pressure.
Thanks for the therapy.
Wrong. I was/am forever damaged. I will never be normal. If I ever relapse (some poor souls call it "decide to drink again") I am sure going to go insane and need pro help.
In my case, I am still figuring out what I am like as a normal person. For a while, any stress seemed to be too much. Then it was periodic stress that sent me into panic mode. Then I went numb where I was just flat and mostly emotionless. Now I am mostly positive teetering on too happy sometimes. I don't know what the final out come will be except it will never never never involve a relapse.
I am keeping my eyes and plans looking forward because the past is gone. I learned from the mistakes and now I am a bit wiser.
Us ex drunks have a depth of character never drinkers and active addicts don't have. Many of the AA quotes seem to be based on this depth of character.
In closing, the real me is mostly out, but not all the way. At 3 months, the real me was buried in a deep horrible hell on earth. It took well over a year to start to see some wonderful normalization. I am mostly med free except for 10 mg of Lisinopril for my blood pressure.
Thanks for the therapy.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
My very early sobriety coincided with a distance move (due to husband's job). It was a city where English was not the first language. For me, this was a very positive thing and it helped me get through the early days of sobriety.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Good analysis Aellyce. You really are hitting your peak I would say, and self-directing many positive changes in your life and career. In my experience, anytime I got completely sober (as opposed to "moderating") for any length of time beyond a few months, I was able to do the same - because I gained significant confidence, clarity and energy. At those times, my career and personal projects flourished.
As opposed to that, during the years when I was drinking regularly (3-4 drinks/day), I almost always moved into the slow lane. Yes, I could still get things done, had a good reputation among clients and associates, etc, but there was no drive like there was when I was completely sober. When I was sober I was a killer, haha. I fell into a career in IT for most of my life and while it was challenging and exciting at first (when I was young), it eventually it became boring and stressful as I worked my way up the corporate ladder.
Unfortunately, due to my drinking and associated lack of confidence, I never really channelled my dissatisfaction into permanent change. This is what I regret the most - I just went with the flow. In retrospect IT just wasn't the career for me. I was technically competent, but very susceptible to the stress of management, and used alcohol as a coping strategy. Lots of therapy at that time as there was also unaddressed emotional baggage that was affecting me and my relationships. I guess I was fully alcoholic by then.
The closest I came to permanent change was when I quit my executive position at age 45, stopped drinking for several months, started yoga and other stress-reducing activities, and created a more holistic lifestyle. I developed some land I owned in the Bay Area which was risky but eventually paid off in several ways. It was my most creative phase, and lasted almost 5 years. I still drank a bit during that time, but overall very little.
I eventually drifted back to the IT world for the stability, then started drinking again more regularly, and eventually retired early because I was unable to handle the whole facade any longer. I was doing a job which bored me and was below my prior level, disliked the stress from the technical aspects and pressure, and lacked the confidence and energy to try something new (I was in my mid-50's by then). So I did everyone a favor and got out. Shortly after that I was able to get sober for more than 3 years and my life went in a completely different direction (international travel, etc).
So to summarize, I used alcohol as a coping strategy for anxiety most of my life, which worked early on but eventually kept me from reaching my career potential. I had pretty significant emotional dissatisfaction with many aspects of my life, not just work - a "void" as Gabor Mate calls it in his great book about the roots of addiction. I had moments of brilliance, especially when I went in new directions, but eventually the drinking always pulled me down from achieving my best.
It is clear to me that you are on the right track, and will not fall prey to your addiction. You also seem to love your career, which is so important. You are on a great journey of discovery and accomplishment, and I wish you success on your exciting journey!
As opposed to that, during the years when I was drinking regularly (3-4 drinks/day), I almost always moved into the slow lane. Yes, I could still get things done, had a good reputation among clients and associates, etc, but there was no drive like there was when I was completely sober. When I was sober I was a killer, haha. I fell into a career in IT for most of my life and while it was challenging and exciting at first (when I was young), it eventually it became boring and stressful as I worked my way up the corporate ladder.
Unfortunately, due to my drinking and associated lack of confidence, I never really channelled my dissatisfaction into permanent change. This is what I regret the most - I just went with the flow. In retrospect IT just wasn't the career for me. I was technically competent, but very susceptible to the stress of management, and used alcohol as a coping strategy. Lots of therapy at that time as there was also unaddressed emotional baggage that was affecting me and my relationships. I guess I was fully alcoholic by then.
The closest I came to permanent change was when I quit my executive position at age 45, stopped drinking for several months, started yoga and other stress-reducing activities, and created a more holistic lifestyle. I developed some land I owned in the Bay Area which was risky but eventually paid off in several ways. It was my most creative phase, and lasted almost 5 years. I still drank a bit during that time, but overall very little.
I eventually drifted back to the IT world for the stability, then started drinking again more regularly, and eventually retired early because I was unable to handle the whole facade any longer. I was doing a job which bored me and was below my prior level, disliked the stress from the technical aspects and pressure, and lacked the confidence and energy to try something new (I was in my mid-50's by then). So I did everyone a favor and got out. Shortly after that I was able to get sober for more than 3 years and my life went in a completely different direction (international travel, etc).
So to summarize, I used alcohol as a coping strategy for anxiety most of my life, which worked early on but eventually kept me from reaching my career potential. I had pretty significant emotional dissatisfaction with many aspects of my life, not just work - a "void" as Gabor Mate calls it in his great book about the roots of addiction. I had moments of brilliance, especially when I went in new directions, but eventually the drinking always pulled me down from achieving my best.
It is clear to me that you are on the right track, and will not fall prey to your addiction. You also seem to love your career, which is so important. You are on a great journey of discovery and accomplishment, and I wish you success on your exciting journey!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Thanks very much, each of you, for your open and honest shares about how early sobriety was for you and some of the obstacles where you slipped after a good start. I can't possibly express appropriately how valuable and helpful sharing your stories continues to be for me - I kinda started to worry that perhaps I come across too sure of myself and not appreciative/grateful on the levels I truly am, for all the feedback
Right now, it's some of those hours again when I feel exhausted, but it's Friday night, and I have an appointment tomorrow with the real estate guy to move closer on the deal with my next dream home.
I am really curious to see how all this sobriety/recovery thing will proceed for me in the longer run. I can't truly predict anything, but can have goals, plans and a critical evaluation of all of it. I have what I would consider a pretty good background as far as my childhood, early life, most relationships... but also have strong isolating, escaping and sometimes relationally dismissive tendencies - especially the dismissiveness is something I'm still fairly puzzled about, especially given that I otherwise value human connection so much. My SMART program has this excellent part about what they call "the hierarchy of values" - it's an exercise for us to inventory all the things that matter to us most dearly, and use them as a source of motivation in recovery.
I've thought about, worked through and discussed my hierarchy of values many, many times since last November. I want to share the list that distilled from it here as well - it will probably help motivate me further, and perhaps some others will find ideas in it as well about powerful personal motives to do all this recovery work. This part of SMART asks us to bring up pretty much anything that we find meaningful, valuable and goals in life - then shortlist ~5 that we consider the strongest, most consistent, persistent, and important.
Mine, after many rounds of evaluation but now consistently:
1. Physical and mental health
2. Competency and making useful contributions
3. Personal integrity and ethics
4. Autonomy and self-sufficiency
5. Connection with other people
As you can see, the "connection with other people" is preceded by a bunch of more individualistic things here, but this is who I am and no matter how far back I can look so far, this is who I have known myself so far. Of course, the future is wide open!
Well, open to many things, not to alcoholism and the horrible blocks it can, and most definitely would impose, with any relapse.
Thanks so much again! I want to elaborate and respond to each of you a bit later, because I have so much to relate to in your posts and to reflect on. Just want to relax a bit now and tomorrow morning, finally, before that meeting with the broker and continuing wrapping up the job.
Another cliche I know, but I just can't believe how much more restful sleep is in sobriety even though I still tend to wake up 1-2 times each night and sometimes have typical anxiety nightmares. Please wish me endurance, persistence, luck or anything good for the coming week - it'll be critical in many things that matter to me, in many ways!
Right now, it's some of those hours again when I feel exhausted, but it's Friday night, and I have an appointment tomorrow with the real estate guy to move closer on the deal with my next dream home.
I am really curious to see how all this sobriety/recovery thing will proceed for me in the longer run. I can't truly predict anything, but can have goals, plans and a critical evaluation of all of it. I have what I would consider a pretty good background as far as my childhood, early life, most relationships... but also have strong isolating, escaping and sometimes relationally dismissive tendencies - especially the dismissiveness is something I'm still fairly puzzled about, especially given that I otherwise value human connection so much. My SMART program has this excellent part about what they call "the hierarchy of values" - it's an exercise for us to inventory all the things that matter to us most dearly, and use them as a source of motivation in recovery.
I've thought about, worked through and discussed my hierarchy of values many, many times since last November. I want to share the list that distilled from it here as well - it will probably help motivate me further, and perhaps some others will find ideas in it as well about powerful personal motives to do all this recovery work. This part of SMART asks us to bring up pretty much anything that we find meaningful, valuable and goals in life - then shortlist ~5 that we consider the strongest, most consistent, persistent, and important.
Mine, after many rounds of evaluation but now consistently:
1. Physical and mental health
2. Competency and making useful contributions
3. Personal integrity and ethics
4. Autonomy and self-sufficiency
5. Connection with other people
As you can see, the "connection with other people" is preceded by a bunch of more individualistic things here, but this is who I am and no matter how far back I can look so far, this is who I have known myself so far. Of course, the future is wide open!
Well, open to many things, not to alcoholism and the horrible blocks it can, and most definitely would impose, with any relapse.
Thanks so much again! I want to elaborate and respond to each of you a bit later, because I have so much to relate to in your posts and to reflect on. Just want to relax a bit now and tomorrow morning, finally, before that meeting with the broker and continuing wrapping up the job.
Another cliche I know, but I just can't believe how much more restful sleep is in sobriety even though I still tend to wake up 1-2 times each night and sometimes have typical anxiety nightmares. Please wish me endurance, persistence, luck or anything good for the coming week - it'll be critical in many things that matter to me, in many ways!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I have the isolating and escaping tendencies big time, lol. Been a motorcyclist for my entire life. Camping, sailing, you name it. I am also big into cycling - a mostly solitary activity, as was my trail running. I travel a lot. Escaping is/was one of my most powerful coping tools, developed in childhood when I had no say in anything. No control. It sucked. I mainly used books to escape. I inhaled books like a crazy kid, just got lost in them. Well that carried over into my adult life. Always seeking adventure, travel, exotic places, food, etc.
I found the "hierarchy of values" very interesting. Your list is very impressive. I can relate to most of it, surprisingly even the last one, considering what I mentioned earlier. I live alone and during this pandemic I have been surprised at how I crave interaction with others. I am generally quite outwardly sociable but do not make close friends easily as I tend to guard against/overanalyze deep connections with others. Must not be very trusting, another lovely inheritance from my childhood. But those deep friendships I do have are lifelong.
I'm going to have to look into the SMART program, I have read the Rational Recovery book and found it compelling.
I hope you do relax, and get some quality sleep. Mine seems to vary in quality lately even at 3 months this time - better with exercise, worse with excessive sugar or too much coffee earlier in the day. Unfortunately I love that habit. Nightmares are no fun, I rarely get them but I do experience the 3am anxiety at times. When I improve my connection with my higher power and remove my ego things go better.
Thanks for your posts Aellyce, they are always thought provoking and cause me to perform some valuable self examination in formulating a response.
I found the "hierarchy of values" very interesting. Your list is very impressive. I can relate to most of it, surprisingly even the last one, considering what I mentioned earlier. I live alone and during this pandemic I have been surprised at how I crave interaction with others. I am generally quite outwardly sociable but do not make close friends easily as I tend to guard against/overanalyze deep connections with others. Must not be very trusting, another lovely inheritance from my childhood. But those deep friendships I do have are lifelong.
I'm going to have to look into the SMART program, I have read the Rational Recovery book and found it compelling.
I hope you do relax, and get some quality sleep. Mine seems to vary in quality lately even at 3 months this time - better with exercise, worse with excessive sugar or too much coffee earlier in the day. Unfortunately I love that habit. Nightmares are no fun, I rarely get them but I do experience the 3am anxiety at times. When I improve my connection with my higher power and remove my ego things go better.
Thanks for your posts Aellyce, they are always thought provoking and cause me to perform some valuable self examination in formulating a response.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
So finally it's arrived: the last day on my job! I've been insanely busy in the past two months with things related to wrapping this up and some other tasks, and now most of it is over. It's so bizarre, and I have felt strangely disoriented and anxious since yesterday, even had a very restless night - don't fully understand since I have been looking forward to this career change for years! But surely it's been a long time: >11 years on this job, before I only ever had one for 3-4 years and then moved on.
Today I'll have a farewell lunch (no alcohol involved, or at least I hope so, many of them know me as a non-drinker even from the times I was a secret active alcoholic) with my close, soon-to-be ex-team and instead of being excited about it, I have these weird feelings of not even wanting to attend and wishing I didn't have to talk with anyone today, let alone giving a speech to my colleagues... Maybe it's one of those pulls of self-sabotage that I often acted out in the past with drinking, I really don't know. I definitely don't have any conscious feelings of ambivalence or sadness around quitting this job, maybe it's just some sudden disorientation about the fact that this is no longer an oh-so-wanted plan but truly happening
But, knowing my pattern, I expect some major AV activity later tonight when I come back home - curious to see if it will actually happen. I won't stay at work late this afternoon (packed and gave my office to a new person already a month ago) so plan to go on a long walk and then throw a self-care "spa party" at home tonight or tomorrow. I feel I need to have some solid plan to relax and celebrate otherwise the AV will likely invade with its agendas - it's definitely one of those moment in life that mine loves to take over. Maybe that's why I have this weird, diffuse anxiety. Anyhow, I won't spend my energy to think about it more, need to get going and get this day done
Today I'll have a farewell lunch (no alcohol involved, or at least I hope so, many of them know me as a non-drinker even from the times I was a secret active alcoholic) with my close, soon-to-be ex-team and instead of being excited about it, I have these weird feelings of not even wanting to attend and wishing I didn't have to talk with anyone today, let alone giving a speech to my colleagues... Maybe it's one of those pulls of self-sabotage that I often acted out in the past with drinking, I really don't know. I definitely don't have any conscious feelings of ambivalence or sadness around quitting this job, maybe it's just some sudden disorientation about the fact that this is no longer an oh-so-wanted plan but truly happening
But, knowing my pattern, I expect some major AV activity later tonight when I come back home - curious to see if it will actually happen. I won't stay at work late this afternoon (packed and gave my office to a new person already a month ago) so plan to go on a long walk and then throw a self-care "spa party" at home tonight or tomorrow. I feel I need to have some solid plan to relax and celebrate otherwise the AV will likely invade with its agendas - it's definitely one of those moment in life that mine loves to take over. Maybe that's why I have this weird, diffuse anxiety. Anyhow, I won't spend my energy to think about it more, need to get going and get this day done
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 3,767
Originally Posted by Aellyce2 
...maybe it's just some sudden disorientation about the fact that this is no longer an oh-so-wanted plan but truly happening
But, knowing my pattern, I expect some major AV activity later tonight when I come back home - curious to see if it will actually happen. I won't stay at work late this afternoon (packed and gave my office to a new person already a month ago) so plan to go on long walk and then throw a self-care "spa party" at home tonight or tomorrow. I feel I need to have some solid plan to celebrate otherwise the AV will likely invade with its agendas - it's definitely one of those moment in life that mine loves to take over.
But, knowing my pattern, I expect some major AV activity later tonight when I come back home - curious to see if it will actually happen. I won't stay at work late this afternoon (packed and gave my office to a new person already a month ago) so plan to go on long walk and then throw a self-care "spa party" at home tonight or tomorrow. I feel I need to have some solid plan to celebrate otherwise the AV will likely invade with its agendas - it's definitely one of those moment in life that mine loves to take over.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by Aellyce2
I am careful and recognize dangers well, but it has not been easier to keep my balance for a long time. An upgrade in my wellbeing I have not experienced for a very long time. Anyone else with similar stories?
The question you need to ask yourself, is "What will you do if this change doesn't deliver what you expect?" Can you take on a setback without drinking? That's about the only thing I would worry about, but that's just me, and doesn't apply to everyone else.
I wish you the best in your decisions. The rest is up to you. The only thing left to say is, "Don't drink."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Thanks friends! The day is almost over. The part with my colleagues, the lunch, all the personal farewells were wonderful. I am not someone who particularly struggles with self-esteem and self-confidence, especially at this moment of my life, but it was so amazing, reassuring and inspiring to see and hear all the feedback and respect from the people I have been working with, some long-term, some shorter. The anxiety I felt completely evaporated ~an hour into my being there, doing the final steps talking with everyone on the team. I am always serious about asking for colleagues to give me an evaluation (no matter what position relative to me) and what I've gotten today (even without asking) was amazingly useful and meaningful. People were honest. Not just rainbows and unicorns, but a general trend I perceive is that they tend to appreciate what I bring, whether it's solutions or challenging them sometimes what they feel far beyond comfortable, very highly.
Of course, as predicted, the AV has reared its ugly head big time during this day. I'm just so overwhelmed now and want nothing else but a relaxing evening at last..., so will tell you guys about all that later.
But VOOOHOOO!
BTW, just while I was at the lunch with my colleagues, my broker tried to call and later told me that my apartment application has moved forward and now the next (and probably only) step will be an interview with the board of people who live in that community. So preparing for a NYC co-op apartment board interview - for those of you familiar with this process.
But before that, this weekend I will really just TURN IT OFF. I mean, all pursuits, worrying, strategy. Just try to relax. For F's sake, I haven't had a break from working longer than ~3 weeks, since colleague. I even mostly worked through colleague, so since I was 18 and now I am 47. I truly feel I deserve it now.
I will get to responding to many of your great points later
Of course, as predicted, the AV has reared its ugly head big time during this day. I'm just so overwhelmed now and want nothing else but a relaxing evening at last..., so will tell you guys about all that later.
But VOOOHOOO!
BTW, just while I was at the lunch with my colleagues, my broker tried to call and later told me that my apartment application has moved forward and now the next (and probably only) step will be an interview with the board of people who live in that community. So preparing for a NYC co-op apartment board interview - for those of you familiar with this process.
But before that, this weekend I will really just TURN IT OFF. I mean, all pursuits, worrying, strategy. Just try to relax. For F's sake, I haven't had a break from working longer than ~3 weeks, since colleague. I even mostly worked through colleague, so since I was 18 and now I am 47. I truly feel I deserve it now.
I will get to responding to many of your great points later
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Thanks again.
If I have believed in an AV, and if one ever existed, as predicted, I am really overtaken by it NOW. I wanted freedom so much, even in the material terms I described above, and as fast as possible...this b*tch is really trying to undermine all of it.
Alcohol craving back-to-back, ever since I stepped out of my office yesterday. It's definitely the worst and the most challenging state since I took sobriety seriously >3 months ago. I definitely, and first-hand, understand now the idea of "no big changes in the first year". This type of craving, with ALL of my most challenging triggers, is the definitely the WORST. It also doesn't seem to be transient, like many of my other urges. I've been in this state constantly since I left office yesterday. Couldn't even sleep properly last night, it really is one big, seeming merging with my AV, and I feel it's even that demon typing this message now. If I ever wanted to get to know it, it's now, here I have it for all of my enjoyment.
So yes, folks please please think about what what you take on in early sobriety. The challenge I took on is enormous and not sure now it was the best idea now, but I have no other choice except dealing with it now.
One good thing thing is that I have an appointment with my new new GP doctor this coming Tuesday. Originally, it was just to calibrate my home BP/HR machine and get a booster of MMR vaccine and the first dose of a Hepatitis A vaccine that I haven't had before. My crazy mind even tried to convince me to reschedule the appointment to a week later. Luckily I didn't comply, so I will see the doctor next Tuesday and plan on asking what she could recommend for these insane cravings I'm still having. It's much worse than yesterday or many times before, the SMART tools still cut it, but not sure how long.
If I have believed in an AV, and if one ever existed, as predicted, I am really overtaken by it NOW. I wanted freedom so much, even in the material terms I described above, and as fast as possible...this b*tch is really trying to undermine all of it.
Alcohol craving back-to-back, ever since I stepped out of my office yesterday. It's definitely the worst and the most challenging state since I took sobriety seriously >3 months ago. I definitely, and first-hand, understand now the idea of "no big changes in the first year". This type of craving, with ALL of my most challenging triggers, is the definitely the WORST. It also doesn't seem to be transient, like many of my other urges. I've been in this state constantly since I left office yesterday. Couldn't even sleep properly last night, it really is one big, seeming merging with my AV, and I feel it's even that demon typing this message now. If I ever wanted to get to know it, it's now, here I have it for all of my enjoyment.
So yes, folks please please think about what what you take on in early sobriety. The challenge I took on is enormous and not sure now it was the best idea now, but I have no other choice except dealing with it now.
One good thing thing is that I have an appointment with my new new GP doctor this coming Tuesday. Originally, it was just to calibrate my home BP/HR machine and get a booster of MMR vaccine and the first dose of a Hepatitis A vaccine that I haven't had before. My crazy mind even tried to convince me to reschedule the appointment to a week later. Luckily I didn't comply, so I will see the doctor next Tuesday and plan on asking what she could recommend for these insane cravings I'm still having. It's much worse than yesterday or many times before, the SMART tools still cut it, but not sure how long.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Aellyce, Hang on!
Do not pick up a drink today. That's your only assignment. You can do anything for 24 hours.
Do not pick up a drink today. That's your only assignment. You can do anything for 24 hours.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Well, your AV does like to come around during the successful moments of life.
I am so proud of you! Talking here. Being honest. Letting us know how it is going. Stay close today and post often. You can get through this and you have the power of this community to help you.
I am so proud of you! Talking here. Being honest. Letting us know how it is going. Stay close today and post often. You can get through this and you have the power of this community to help you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Thanks Mizz. If my dissociation "skills" have ever come handy, it is now. I'm actually thinking about finding a therapist who can work with Schema Therapy. I think I am am textbook case for the "Impaired Limits" in that concept (I had this perception for many years), and not not only in the most obvious ways most addicts have. I now have all the time and energy and planned to invest most of it in self-work even before I fully realized how challenging my choice of early sobriety would be.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Don't drink. That's not a good way to start an adventure. What you are experiencing right now is so common there is a name for it in Psych 101. It's called an approach avoidance conflict. They exist all the time in so many aspects of our lives, and they vary from mostly unnoticeable to dramatically powerful. I looked forward to retirement for years, wishing for it like it was the proverbial lost treasure. When the time came to do it, all the reasons not to do it overwhelmed me, making an awfully big deal out of turning in my resignation. It's a big life change so the decision becomes harder the closer we get to it. And after I turned in my resignation, I was overwhelmed again by worries that I may have made a mistake.
As it turned out, it was not a mistake, and I regret absolutely nothing about doing it. NOTHING! I also realize I made much much bigger mistakes throughout my life that I did with no forethought at all. It's like getting sober in a way. This is also a big life change that is hard for us because it puts us in unfamiliar territory, and unfamiliar is scary because it's an unknown. Alcoholics deal with the goal of sobriety as an approach avoidance conflict, but it's easy to to return to the familiarity of the bottle where you know what's going to happen. It may be ugly as Hell, but it provides the safety of familiarity.
Who knows how any of this will work out? You are in a place where you feel uncomfortable. Did you do the right thing? One encouragement I can feel confident about is that if this is a mistake, it's not going to be the biggest one in your life. You have already made bigger ones and survived quite well, but you won't know this until later. Best of all, you have opened the way for new opportunities. I don't know what they might be, but now is the time to be alert and spot them when they come up.
The two biggest approach avoidance conflicts in my life, turned out to be giant personal successes. First retirement, which I did on a shoe string. I would have enough to survive, but it might require sacrifices. <Red Herring Alert!> I am more financially secure now than ever.
Second biggest conflict, leaving the North American continent behind, as I headed out alone into the open ocean for the first time, a dream I had since I was a teenager. I had planned for it, sold my house and belongings to buy the boat I wanted to do it in, but the day that I had decided I was to leave the marina, I was so nervous that I avoided people because my mind felt like it was on the fritz. I had to literally focus on untying my boat from the dock to give the bow a push toward the breakwater. I had misgivings at 10 miles from shore watching the land get smaller and smaller behind me. This was the farthest I'd been from shore in all the years of my sailing. The wind picked up and by nightfall I was in the beginning of an unexpected gale that lasted for three days. The boat was built for it, and actually thrived on it, and I settled into that realization that I could only control so much, but I knew enough that I could control what I needed, and that was to point the boat toward Hawaii and stop worrying about what might be beyond my control. On day three, I had the first of several break downs. My self steering failed, and I went through this exaggerated mental crisis for half a day as I sat there bobbing and wallowing in the seas left over from the gale.
Going back would have been a nightmare of defeat and humiliation. In addition, I would be sailing into the wind instead of before it. There's an understated saying among knowledgeable ocean going sailors that is clever but wise, "A gentleman never sails against the wind." OK usually this is true, but not always. But it was true in my current situation, and it made no sense to turn around and tack back and forth into the wind when I was now 400 miles off shore. The best solution was to go FORWARD. I had to hand steer, which was both annoying and an interesting prospect, but it was actually the easiest way to deal with the circumstances. I realized I was reacting to everything that was unanticipated as the crisis it was NOT. At 1000 miles out, I had adjusted, and invented a great way to cope during the night that gained me a few more miles toward my goal while I slept and the boat more or less sailed itself, although at a greatly reduced speed. I was now comfortable and have nothing but fond memories of the open sea. Even the anxiety of leaving the shore at the beginning is a fond memory that I chuckle about.
I'm happy I did it by myself, because if I had a guest on board, I would have scared them to death during those first few days of my imaginary crisis mongering. On the leg from Hawaii to Alaska, I did have a guest on board, and I could sit back calmly and watch his first time crossing anxiety and just quietly reassure him that everything was just as expected, even the things that weren't expected were to be expected. He wrote a magazine article about the trip in a mostly unknown publication that made us seem like were were both old salts of the sea, but hey, that's what writers do after the fact.
My two biggest approach avoidance conflicts turned out to be things I would cherish the most about my life.
As it turned out, it was not a mistake, and I regret absolutely nothing about doing it. NOTHING! I also realize I made much much bigger mistakes throughout my life that I did with no forethought at all. It's like getting sober in a way. This is also a big life change that is hard for us because it puts us in unfamiliar territory, and unfamiliar is scary because it's an unknown. Alcoholics deal with the goal of sobriety as an approach avoidance conflict, but it's easy to to return to the familiarity of the bottle where you know what's going to happen. It may be ugly as Hell, but it provides the safety of familiarity.
Who knows how any of this will work out? You are in a place where you feel uncomfortable. Did you do the right thing? One encouragement I can feel confident about is that if this is a mistake, it's not going to be the biggest one in your life. You have already made bigger ones and survived quite well, but you won't know this until later. Best of all, you have opened the way for new opportunities. I don't know what they might be, but now is the time to be alert and spot them when they come up.
The two biggest approach avoidance conflicts in my life, turned out to be giant personal successes. First retirement, which I did on a shoe string. I would have enough to survive, but it might require sacrifices. <Red Herring Alert!> I am more financially secure now than ever.
Second biggest conflict, leaving the North American continent behind, as I headed out alone into the open ocean for the first time, a dream I had since I was a teenager. I had planned for it, sold my house and belongings to buy the boat I wanted to do it in, but the day that I had decided I was to leave the marina, I was so nervous that I avoided people because my mind felt like it was on the fritz. I had to literally focus on untying my boat from the dock to give the bow a push toward the breakwater. I had misgivings at 10 miles from shore watching the land get smaller and smaller behind me. This was the farthest I'd been from shore in all the years of my sailing. The wind picked up and by nightfall I was in the beginning of an unexpected gale that lasted for three days. The boat was built for it, and actually thrived on it, and I settled into that realization that I could only control so much, but I knew enough that I could control what I needed, and that was to point the boat toward Hawaii and stop worrying about what might be beyond my control. On day three, I had the first of several break downs. My self steering failed, and I went through this exaggerated mental crisis for half a day as I sat there bobbing and wallowing in the seas left over from the gale.
Going back would have been a nightmare of defeat and humiliation. In addition, I would be sailing into the wind instead of before it. There's an understated saying among knowledgeable ocean going sailors that is clever but wise, "A gentleman never sails against the wind." OK usually this is true, but not always. But it was true in my current situation, and it made no sense to turn around and tack back and forth into the wind when I was now 400 miles off shore. The best solution was to go FORWARD. I had to hand steer, which was both annoying and an interesting prospect, but it was actually the easiest way to deal with the circumstances. I realized I was reacting to everything that was unanticipated as the crisis it was NOT. At 1000 miles out, I had adjusted, and invented a great way to cope during the night that gained me a few more miles toward my goal while I slept and the boat more or less sailed itself, although at a greatly reduced speed. I was now comfortable and have nothing but fond memories of the open sea. Even the anxiety of leaving the shore at the beginning is a fond memory that I chuckle about.
I'm happy I did it by myself, because if I had a guest on board, I would have scared them to death during those first few days of my imaginary crisis mongering. On the leg from Hawaii to Alaska, I did have a guest on board, and I could sit back calmly and watch his first time crossing anxiety and just quietly reassure him that everything was just as expected, even the things that weren't expected were to be expected. He wrote a magazine article about the trip in a mostly unknown publication that made us seem like were were both old salts of the sea, but hey, that's what writers do after the fact.
My two biggest approach avoidance conflicts turned out to be things I would cherish the most about my life.
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