BeABetterMan

I've had a very overwhelming couple of weeks. A lot of it was self induced by drinking again. But then today and recently a lot of really good things happened. Got a generally good review at work and was compensated for it, spent half the day with my kids and their two friends at the park playing, and just other general blessings. And I was suddenly struck by how scared I was that I would **** it up again. In the past year I have had 6 months and then 4 or 5 and then 1 month of continued sobriety...so if I'm being objective I am making progress. I just so bad don't want to drink again, but I know the day will come when it will come calling for me again and I'll be too weak. IT. IS. TERRIFYING. I have sooo much to lose and I am scared. I just hate alcohol so much. I hate the grip it has on me. Why can't I be free of this curse? I remember telling my ex-wife over two decades ago that I felt cursed and I wasn't talking about alcohol and today I do believe I've truly been cursed and the curse is my addiction. If I could lose both of my legs today and have this addiction gone you would see me rolling down the street next week. There is something inside of me that will absolutely not let myself be. It is SO HEAVY. It fades and dissipates but it is always there. Lurking. I ******* hate it so much. If any of you pray at night, please pray for me and if not for me, for my innocent children. Sorry so heavy.

MythOfSisyphus

Hang in there, BeABetterMan! I believe you can beat this.

Suzieq17

I’ll say a prayer for you and your kids tonight.

You can do this. This thought pattern can be broken by distancing yourself from drinking and allowing sobriety to take over your life. By giving sobriety a chance, you are opening yourself up to a new life and a second chance.

We only get so many trips around the sun, make the rest of your life the best it can be for you and all the rest will fall into place.

RecklessDrunk

We hear it again and again and again. One day at a time. I think we hear it so much that its easy to forget just how important it is.

It should be like an infinite loop of sobriety. For each day, is it a good idea to drink today, next day.

Its like a boolean evaluated everyday.
Its a good idea to drink today, true or false. Is it a good idea TODAY, not next Tuesday, not in 2 weeks, 6 months, Today. Is it a good idea to drink today?


Our future cravings have nothing to do with today. The idea of going so much time without a mistake can be overwhelming. We gotta control what we can control at the moment, today. Tomorrow will be today tomorrow and we can again ask, is it a good idea to drink today.

lifewithart

Get yourself a 12 step program, follow it to the T and live the program. The obsession will be taken away and you'll be done living in fear. Only speaking from my own experience and those around me. All the best

Anna

Definitely, I'm sending prayers and good thoughts to you and your kids, BABM. I think that the further along you get in recovery, the less of a hold those negative feelings will have on you. Have faith that it will get better.

Libby06

Prayers sent BABM. Ive had many attempts and failures. I'm rooting for you. Yo did it before, and you can do it again. With every failure we learn something valuable about ourselves and what we can do differently to succeed.

Dee74

If we can beat this, you can do BABM...I promise

D

KKAT33

Dear BABM, you are still on my prayer list every night! You must do this for yourself and your family. I pray you find peace and what works for you, be it AA or whatever. In my journey, I thought for the last 3 years out of decades drunk, all I have to do is not drink, How is it so hard for us?! You have it in you not to fail, dig deep!

fini

“but I know the day will come when it will come calling for me again and I'll be too weak.”
BABM, this is exactly why you see most of us not rely on strength alone.
this is why folks use and encourage you to use a program, or a plan, or other such things.
so that “it” can come calling and you won’t answer in that one particular way.

snitch

I identify so much with your post. I wanted to stop so badly and I just couldn't. The obsession was too strong. I had no power. No human power could relieve me of my drinking. My daughter, whom i love more than anything in the world was not enough. Alcohol had its claws in me and was not going to let go. I had been in and out of AA for short periods of time,, once getting 2 months of sobriety. My longest in years. But I drank again. I had no power. No mental defence against that first drink. I believed there was a power greater than me but I was so full of self pity and had zero self worth, I thought why is God gonna help me when there are so many people who need His help more.

This was until my last drink. Which was an horrendous 10 day binge. I don't know how I made it out alive but I did and as i lay in my bed withdrawing and in so much fear and terror , I reached out. I prayed please God, please if there is a God please help me. Help me to live and help me to not drink. The next day I Went to an AA meeting and I haven't had a drink since. That was nearly 3 years ago

My recovery has not been a smooth road. The obsession to drink was on me for a long time. Every morning I asked God to keep me sober and for the obsession to be removed. I went to meetings. Got service. Took ladies phone numbers. I started reading the Big Book. Listening to AA speakers. When the obsession came on me I would pray pray pray to be restored to sanity. THINK THINK THINK the first drink all the way through to the bitter end. The Serenity Prayer became my mantra. I found a sponsor and started working the steps. It was working the steps that changed me and as a result I had a spiritual awakening and just for today the obsession to drink has been lifted. A miracle! For an alcoholic like me who lived to drink and could barely go 2/3 days without a drink.

I have read some of your posts and have seen you have used AA. I urge you to go back and jump into the middle of the lifeboat. Work the steps. The steps are medicine for alcoholics like us. Why on earth would we not want to take a medicine that can relieve us of the horrendous affliction of alcoholism. Be fearless and thorough from the start. Be Honest , Open minded and Willing. God will always help those who seek him. We just have to invite Him in.

I got sober just before my daughters 6th birthday. She will be 9 this year. It is without a shadow of a doubt the bst thing I have ever done in my life. It was hard but it was worth it. I work my programme every day like my life depended on it because it does. This is a killer illness. I have seen first hand people lose their lives from alcoholism, little children left without mummies and daddies. I will die one day but it won't be because of alcohol!

Get back to AA, find your Power, pray and meditate daily, lots of meetings, find a sponsor, work the steps and you will recover.

Praying for you today BABM.

♥️🙏♥️🙏

least

I thought I was hopeless too, that I could never stay sober for very long. Until I finally wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. I mean, with my whole soul I wanted to be sober. That was over 11 yrs ago, so if I can do it, you can too. And make gratitude one of your sobriety tools. I can guarantee that being grateful will change your whole life.

Mizz

What Least said. Especially Gratitude. Its so powerful!

ZIP

..."I have sooo much to lose...".

You do, my friend.
So, you accept that you cannot drink, you commit to change, and you apply genuine effort to stay AF.
To me, it's the only way to successfully eliminate booze from your life. AA helps, in/outpatient programs help, therapy helps, etc. But at the end of the day...it's all up to you.
And I'm confident you can do it. God bless you and your family.

Delilah1

Just said a little prayer for you and your kids. There is so much good stuff in your post BABM, you have lots of really good stuff going on, and I think this move was a good one for you. What are your plans for the weekend? Will you be able to spend some more time with your kids? Congrats on a good work review, that is definitely something to be proud of, and the additional compensation is an added bonus!

Sending lots of love, and sober vibes your way!

❤️ Delilah

Be123

Ive got absolute faith you can do this BABM.

As reckless says above, just stay sober today. Are you cursed today? Is it THAT bad today? If it is, then can you not get through 12/16 hours of misery? It's the biggest cliche going but my experience is that it is the only way through.

I find big-thinking impossibly daunting, it increases my chances of drinking. But even early on I found great solace in getting through a day, doing everything I could in that 14 hour period to stay sober and build up resilience to drinking in the future. It's changed my life as I'm more mindful, live in the moment and take each day and each thing that happens as it occurs.

Put the work in today. Let tomorrow look after itself. What can you do to stay sober today? What can you do to have fun? What will you enjoy? What will make you wiser, richer, nicer, stronger? Do those things. You can't get to permanent sobriety in one day but, in a funny sort of way, you can!

BeABetterMan

So much great feedback. Right after I posted I said, "I have to get to a meeting". I told the kids to keep their butts upstairs and I'll come get them when I'm done and stumbled into a great meeting. I am not cursed TODAY. TODAY I am blessed. Today I am sober. So all of those scary thoughts were just that, thoughts. They were not my actions. My actions were; I prayed when I woke up, made the kids bfast and off to school, I worked, had a great review, picked up the kids and their friends, played at the park, came home made dinner, had a long talk about the stock market (I opened each of them an account and gave them $200 to invest so we're having fun with that), had a freakout about the future, immediately posted here, and went to a meeting right away. As some have mentioned, on my own I will not make. I have evidence that with God and the fellowship I can stay sober TODAY. And I did. Thank you everyone. I was just feeling so insane and had to let it out. Tomorrow I'll take the boolean test and decide again if I want to be sober, and if not, I'll take action to not drink. Goodnight everyone.

Be123

Booooooooommmmmmmm!! Well done BABM

EndGameNYC

You answered your own question. Forcefully. You came to a conclusion about who and what you are that precludes you from staying sober in favor of living your life being frightened about what might happen to you.

Being cursed is not an addiction. Everyone who's born into existence is cursed. That's the challenge. The alternative is nihilism; a life without meaning or purpose.

I might try not to hate it so much. You know that expression about love, hate, and the thin line that separates them? Better to use your energy to focus your resources on building a life that's not filled with terror. There's no downside.

MythOfSisyphus

Whatever you're doing, keep doing it! Glad to hear you got some relief at least for today.