Backtogood

I need help. I'm at my own person rock bottom. If only for my own emotional rollercoaster. My husband said it pretty spot on "I never know which version I'm going to get of you from day to day." I am powerless when it comes to alcohol, the only way for me to take that power back is to quit drinking FOREVER. I have kept this thought in the back of my head that i can always go back, but I can't. I'm sorry to the great people here on SR for always posting "day 1"s, i wouldn't believe me either! Let's do this. I don't want to look back, time to find my life. And to be honest I'm scared. So day 1. Pleas don't give on me. I know i can do this

ThisIsIt123

It's a wonderful time to start! I am back at Day 1 again. My wife has had more than enough of my drinking. Yesterday she came home from work to find me plastered and incoherent on the couch. Lots of beer, vodka, whiskey. I dont want to repeat a day 1 again.....

Backtogood

ya my husband says he's not cooking dinner anymore for me and I'm on my own cause i just drink my dinner or pass out and don't Appricate the effort he makes. Hate day 1's. I even made a song...Day 1 sweat it out, day 2 feel the blues, day 3 starting to eat, day 4 been here before, day 5 don't take a nosedive....ect lol know it is silly

tornrealization

You really have to want this for yourself. So start small with don't drink today. Then tomorrow, same goal "don't drink today". It takes awhile for spouses to trust us again. I recall getting texted nearly every morning for months asking if I went to work that day from him. I had pulled some "call off" work stunts and sat at home with big ole bottle of vodka and he's come home to a disaster. Now, incredibly I have a job that isn't going well - and I'm home sometimes (like today) and instead of boozing it...I'm on SR, doing chores, baking banana bread. I'm studying for a newer tech Cert to help me get my next job and there's no going to liquor store at 9am. He's learned to trust I don't do that anymore. He's not texting me asking for updates and how are things. It's nicer this way. It takes time. I did have to want to be sober for myself. It just makes everything better. The only way to heal is to get sober then build on your trust. The kicker is he wants to be weekend binge drinkers still in the beginning - and I had to say no. I said no so much and just explained over and over how a drop puts me into the races and - then I play the "one more drink" game - which turns into "one more day" game which turns into "one more week" then eventually EFF IT - next year I'll quit. He's accepted it. I asked him recently if he missed us drinking on weekends anymore and he said "honestly, NO". He said he worries less now about so many things. He drinks less too but this might be co-dependence issues we don't have to address for your particular post. Once you are sober for yourself for some time you are so much better equipped emotionally and logically to handle remaining problems. I had to try over and over and over and to get this far took years and I don't wish that for you. Keep posting! Many of us have posted day 1s. It truly is better to being sober. It is super simple - Just don't drink. It's also incredibly hard. You have you brain/body re-wired fighting for the drink. After being sober awhile and going through experiences sober, those cravings start to come less frequently and become less intense. So keep trying, it's worth it.

Backtogood

My husband is very much an alcoholic As well, but I want this for me, And he doesn't want to quit. Like you said one day at a time. My anxiety is crazy today and I'm so dehydrated and my liver hurts. Yah, feels like day one. I'm an idiot for putting myself through this again.

Hevyn

Backtogood - Never going to give up on you.
I did the same thing a few times. I would come to the conclusion I couldn't touch the stuff - and when I said I was quitting, I really meant it. Then I'd start feeling better & tell myself it was ridiculous - I could have 'a drink' now and then. Except there was never just one - and never just occasionally. In the end it was 24/7 drinking. That's when I got serious about never picking up again. I was terrified at my lack of control & the dangerous situations I was putting myself in. 13 yrs. later, I still visit SR every day for strength & inspiration. You CAN do it - there is no doubt.

Backtogood

Yeah, didn't get drunk yesterday, but sipped all day. I really don't want this anymore. I think I'll look into some smart meetings or AA.

Hevyn

It becomes exhausting - never worth it when we reach this point.

ThisIsIt - good to see you back with us again.

Surrendered19

It is as good of a time as any for Day 1. I'm glad you are motivated BTG. I worry about your home environment. It would have been VERY difficult for me to stop drinking with an active drinker in the house. Just speaking for myself, there would have just been no way. But I know several people on SR have people in their homes who drink, so I know it can be done. In a way, it forces you to really examine the reasons you want to be sober. If you know your why's, I think it is easier to be sober and have a good plan to stay that way.

ScottFromWI

Congratulations on making the decision to quit Backtogood. It is scary and it's also hard to fathom some of the big picture/long term sobriety questions when you just feel crappy and scared in the early days. Just remember that it's OK to be scared and there's probably very little you will experience today that hasn't been experience by the collective here - so stay close and ask questions as you see fit.

Anna

Backtogood, I won't give up on you and I believe you. You can do this, of course you can.

You will have a few tough days to go through, but keep telling yourself this will be the last time.

My suggestion would be to come up with a plan, perhaps including Smart or AA, of things that you can do to get you through cravings and things that you will enjoy in your life to help you stay sober.

phoebe64

Hi BTG, I’m glad to see you. We need to keep trying. I think most people here have had the experience of trying repeatedly to get sober before it stuck. The more we post and work at it, the more wisdom we gather to help our journey. 💕

Backtogood

I never want to feel like i did last night when my son looked at me with mistrust and i could see him wondering if i was drunk. I felt like something died inside me. I will not live this life anymore. My husband can can do what he wants. But I'm done. God i feel like crap today, physically and mentally. I'm kinda glad i thus hurts so much. I want to remember this moment and relish in the pain.

advbike

Glad you're back BTG. We're not giving up on you but we want to see you succeed. In order to make it happen you have to really want it enough to take action and make serious changes. What will you do differently this time?

I'm sorry I was kind of harsh before but at that time it just sounded like you expected to get sober by "wanting to" but you were still planning to participate in social drinking situations. Most on here would probably say they couldn't do that, as I also could not. Eliminating those sorts of events in early sobriety is one of the actions we can take to reduce the temptation that occurs when our anxiety is high, or we are stressed, or happy, etc... and we know what would cure or enhance that feeling.

I also think you should ask your husband to not drink in front of you. Or to limit it. Maybe not when you're at the dinner table or something. I was with a drinking partner for many years and it was really hard for me to resist when I would see her enjoying that glass of wine (or two). Of course, some have been able quit with an actively drinking spouse in the house but undoubtedly it makes it harder and I want to try and help you succeed. Certainly talk to your husband about this and his support in general, as he apparently would like the other you back.

I also suggest you investigate what happens when you give up the sobriety plan and drink. Is it stress? Is it the social situations? All of the above? Whatever it is, find another way to deal with it. Examine your thoughts.. what does the AV tell you? Learn to identify that voice and take action. Usually cravings pass in 10 or 15 min if we don't purposely entertain the thought. You might also benefit from a "one day at a time" approach as I suspect your "forever" statement may be too overwhelming. Many of us find the best way to kill the craving is to just say "I won't drink today" - that eliminates all the pressure loomimg around the term "forever".

Backtogood

My husband usually drinks art his buddies house, as to not drink in front of me or sneaks drinks in the garage. (Who is he kidding) when i see him drunk it makes me not want to drink. I've looked into some local AA meetings on zoom and will check them out.

advbike

Great idea, and keep posting here too! I saw you have participated in the classes, that helped me with accountability.

dwtbd

Deciding to never drink again( the guarantee of never being a drunk again) , and wanting to decide to never drink again both come from YOU, the authentic, real, rational You. The 'thing' that doesn't want that decision ( and the absolute realization that that decision is 100% doable) is what You need to separate from.
AVRT (great threads on these ideas here on SR in the Secular recovery forum) showed me how to identify , acknowledge and separate from that 'thing' that stood between Me and the decision I knew I Wanted to make.
Rootin for ya, get that 'thing' in a cage and make the decisoin you want to and live it no regrets

brighterday1234

A happy contented life of sobriety is absolutely possible 🙏

Dee74

Hey BtG - I doubt anyone here will give up on you - so don't give up on yourself.

I have two bits of advice - the first is throw everything you have at this - if that means AA meetings or SMART meetings or counselling or whatever else up to and including rehab - do it - do whatever is feasible.

You'll get back every bit of effort you put into this.

the second thing - you have to run your own race.
If you make getting sober dependant on what your husband does (or doesn';t do) things are not going to change.

Its tough when those around us continue to drink and it's not fair, but thats how it is.
You have to accept that reality and stay sober anyway - for you.

I believe you can do this too

D

anxiousrock

I had soooo many day 1's... you can check my posts lol.
BUT! I now realize I never actually did anything to work for sobriety until now.
I started working the steps with a sponsor and I'm almost 8 weeks sober. I have my step 5 this week!
Soon the obsession will leave me, and I cannot wait.
Talking with other alcoholics helps.