Tanky

I have been drinking since Friday night. So apart from some brief sleeping time maybe around 27 hours? Straight after a damn meeting. Like a damn stereotype.

Lots of outside stuff , that I didn’t have the serenity for - a client died, then trauma triggered by a critical incident , my sponsor got unwell , stopped contacting over a few weeks , we agreed I need a new sponsor and then she picked up herself earlier this week, my own mental health is bad and has been for awhile and I needed to just turn it off, because I can’t fight it anymore. I’m too tired. I can’t be sober and almost constantly suicidal. It’s exhausting . And ironically tonight I had my first social occasion in around 18mths-2 years. I lied. I drank lime and soda at the table and vodka in the bathroom. Pathetic. All because I drank “a beer” last night to take edge off after the meeting - which turned into 9. Then had hair of dog beer, wine and vodka all day. I disgust myself.

But I also know I don’t have to do this. I don’t have to keep going. If I can stop , I can start again on recovery path. But maybe I don’t have it in me.

Hawkeye13

You do have it in you. You’ve already taken the first step by posting here.

SaturatedSeize

I’m really sorry you are going through so much right now. I know it’s hard, especially having to feel those feelings. I used booze for years to numb those feelings.

Sobriety has allowed me to learn better ways to deal with my emotions. Which allows me to handle all situations better.

These first steps are so difficult but you can do this. Pick yourself up today and don’t be too hard on yourself, it isn’t helpful. Decide to do at least one thing today. Post here to help with emotional events, we will give you that support!

I hope you can find peace.

sugarbear1

While I was getting sober in 2011, my drinking friend (we partied together for years and she was always concerned about my drinking...) was in the hospital with failing organs due to alcoholism. We met in 1986. That was the year I made it to my first AA meeting.

My sobriety date is May 16, 2011, her death date is July 14, 2011.

I take my alcoholism seriously. It's a matter of life or death. I am either working on one or the other.... I choose sobriety today. Beats all the stuff that goes with my drinking.

Working those steps saved my life. They can help you, too!

You can do this, too. When you know deep in your soul that it's either living or dying, you can move forward in your process. I know you can do this.

Tanky

thanks, ss. It’s not long after midnight where I am. So sleeping is probably a good plan, first. When I can. And you are right, shame is not going to help me. I just need to get back up again, after the fall. Early sobriety can be like this, so I am told. I have drunk for so many years is probably not surprising I didn’t get it right without a few stumbles.

Far out, I don’t know why I am not even drunk. But I guess it only goes to show there is absolutely nothing for me at the end of those bottles.

Tanky

sugarbear I am so very sorry about your friend. And yes, I know I need a huge serve of perspective. I have it easy compared to many. But I only get to live here , in my head, my body. And when my brain is lying to me constantly it sometimes gets hard to keep things straight. Ironically I will have no suicidal thoughts tomorrow. It always works to reset that for awhile. So at least when I wake up in withdrawal I will have tha going for me.

Mizz

For some, sobriety is not linear.

In my own relapses I have known with every ounce of my being that drinking was not the road I needed to walk down. Mental and emotional life situations got the best of me and my only recourse was to drink. It makes no logical sense but that was the decision I made then.

You do have it in you to be sober. You do have the strength to get through those moments sober. You have the strength now. It is good you posted and I hope that you get back to being free from alcohol. You can do this, Tanky.

doggonecarl

Such negative thinking has mired many in addiction for years. While, "I can do this," has freed millions.

advbike

Sorry to hear of all you have been facing, Tanky. I know the feeling and wanting the instant relief of a beer. The brain knows it is an instant fix, hence the craving. The emotional load was high, but also look at what thoughts you had, and whether you were also experiencing HALT. My guess is you may have been tired and hungry after the meeting. It was that first beer that got you. What thoughts were you having?. What was your AV telling you.

You can totally do this, next time just don't have that beer. It's that first drink that gets us, every time. Maybe you also need to take better care of yourself - physically and spiritually - because you have a whole lot going on in your life. Hard exercise, walks in nature, etc. That is what saves me when the stress piles up. Glad you're back, you can totally do this.

Take care Tanky, we are all with you.

lifewithart

You definitely can do this. There are many down the line drunks that have recovered from similar or more hopeless situations. Don't forget to be nice to yourself, many people fall into this trap, but getting sober is your responsibility.
"No one is coming to save you"
-David Goggins

EllyB

Tanky, maybe it’s time to get some more help with your mental health issues? I am now taking an AD, and interviewing therapists because I want to stay quit. The antidepressant is starting to kick in, and it is helping me to feel less helpless.
As you are feeling suicidal, it sounds like your MH issues are making it harder for you to stay sober.

Libby06

You can get back Tanky. I drank after 18 months of sobriety for an entire week, and I drank hard. It sounds like you have been too. That was 5 years ago.

Just go back to exactly what was keeping you sober. It wouldn't hurt to enlist the help of a medical professional to deal with the suicidal thoughts. That is no way to live.

Just because you have fallen off, doesn't mean you have to stay there. There is a way out of the madness. Stay close, and pick up the big book.

Hevyn

Tanky - Every time I decided to have 'a beer' to take the edge off, I was headed to danger. Sometimes it wasn't too bad - but other times, months (sometimes years) of drinking followed. You've come back after a relatively brief time because you know it can't continue. Be thankful you recognize this.
I'm sorry for the bad things that happened - but we know by now that drinking doesn't do a thing to really help. We still have the sad things to deal with - and now, one more - we're hung over, jittery, & disgusted with ourselves. Not worth it, Tanky. I know you have it in you & can get back to building a sober life.

Tanky

Thanks for all support and advice. I woke up shaking & sweaty and alcohol probably still in my system right now, as is only about 4-5 hours since last drink. My brain is quiet , which is nice.

And yes, Elly. I may need more MH support. I did resume taking medication a little over 2 weeks ago. So is possible it just not working fully yet. But I may need more than that to deal w cPTSD symptoms, too. I don’t often get directly triggered by my work, so I guess I need to pay attention to that. And all the other symptoms that are present alongside the obsessive suicidal ideation and planning. If I was my client , risk notifications would have been made, I guess. But I would also have noted all of my protective factors and been quietly thinking “she will get though somehow”.

thanks to HP that I wake up today relatively unscathed.

I will post and face the music today.

Tanky

thankyou, mizz. I needed to hear that. It isn’t linear for all of us. it doesn’t mean I am special brand of loser. hopeless or beyond help. I have it in me. I just need to keep trying . Keep getting back up again.

Tanky

AV was saying “you know how to turn this pain off. You know how to stop the thoughts” I wasn’t hungry. Tired? for sure. I can’t remember any strong emotions because I am depressed - so effectively emotionally numb. I am always lonely. I don’t really have friends anymore, family distanced. All destroyed by my alcoholism and addictions. Trying to make friends/rebuild broken connection in AA. So having one of my sober friends, who I have relied on heavily in a reverse situation where I was trying to support her through touch stuff and get her to put bottle back down, probably made loneliness seem bigger.

Dee74

That’s a lot to have on your plate Tanky, for anybody.

But the thing that strikes me about you is that you always come back.
You want recovery.

I think if you get help on the things you can get help with, stop pushing yourself so hard , stop beating yourself up when you miss those impossible standards you set, and let the Universe run itself for a while, you can do this

be easy on yourself. Clear your plate a bit at a time.
Focus on the not drinking right now as a priority
D

Tanky

I don’t get this. Like I do. But I also don’t. “No one is coming to save me” - including me at the moment - which I have fully disclosed. Find it activates more shame. That it is because I am “too weak” or “too lazy” to save myself. Because it is my responsibility to get sober. Yes. It is. But I am here asking for help , because I recognise that I am not the best judge, not the best carer for myself , simply not the best self, at the moment. So every misstep is mine. And I must own it. Yes. True. And if I can’t get back to sobriety that’s my fault for doing it wrong. but if I was doing well, then it would be my HP. This creates cognitive dissonance for me. I can’t try to believe in myself, if I can’t be allowed to believe in myself. If no one can throw me a rope when I am drowning, then I am just drowning.

Zura

Tanky, I'm so sorry for all you go through. No words of wisdom, just wanted to say I care and am thinking of you ❤️ so glad you came right back, you can do this xxoo

Tanky

❤️ Dee. You are right, I do keep coming back pretty much straight away. Has totally messed with my ability to drink this sobriety gig. 😂 “Let the universe run itself for awhile. ” I think you are on to something.