RUL23

Friendly Disclaimer I realize this question is asked frequently. I also realize that all of the activities I mention below can be (and are by millions of people) enjoyed sober. Please, no need to state the obvious again. I also know the negative impacts of alcohol. You also don't need to remind me how bad we feel after drinking at things like this. These reasons alone haven't helped me tackle this in the past. Neither has reading This Naked Mind book haha, which I have.

I also know I'm an alcoholic. But I'm struggling with the sobriety mindset today. No risk of drinking, just feeling down in the dumps. I can easily avoid the random weeknights of drinking. Easily avoid the "glass of red" with dinner. But It's these specific life events I'm afraid of.

So my question is:

Those of you with long time sobriety, any tips to slowly realizing these can be enjoyed without poisoning your body? I'm not talking about avoiding them during early sobriety. I get that. I'm talking for the rest of my life. How do we change our mindset? Is it as straightforward as practice and time?

Thank you

Events I Love But Also Drink At:

• Sporting events
• Parties at friends houses
• A beach bar after a long day in the sun
• Wine tasting in Napa
• Craft beer shows
• Concerts
• Sitting on my back patio in the sun with friends and family
• Our lake house on the pontoon boat
• Holidays
• Weddings
• vacations
• Many more

New Found Hobbies That I Enjoy and Don't Drink With (btw- never thought I'd discover this many when sober):

• hiking
• Daily hour walk
• Podcasts
• Reading (read 35 books last year. Only reason two in an entire year before that)
• A strategy game on my iPad
• True crime documentaries
• Playing with my dog

Thanks for listening.

RU

Dee74

I accepted the fact that the way I drank was hazardous to me. I also accepted the fact that I would never have the life I wanted, or the me I wanted if I continued to drink.

I did change. I thought I was the real me but, with more and more time away from alcohol, a me I’d forgotten existed re-emerged. I liken it now to being a hostage and suffering Stockholm syndrome...I fell in love with my captor and was brainwashed into thinking I’d never live without them.

I did everything with a drink. Now I don’t

Not drinking is not a punishment or an ordeal. I hope you’ll see that as you go along RUL.

I often think ‘I have this great life...and all I had to do was give up drinking?’.

Trust me, It’s a laughably small toll to pay

D

Anna

I love your 'new' list of hobbies. I love true-crime documentaries and books. I'm glad you've found new and healthy ways to spend your time.

RUL23

If you could only see my smile right now. Thank you.

Surrendered19

I'm only 15 months sober so I don't know if you would consider that long-term sobriety. I don't feel very long-term and I must not be, because I don't have any tips on how we change our mindset and how we can move through life's milestones like vacations and weddings. I still worry about those things. I've gone through several holidays now sober and I just planned ahead of time a sober strategy, and so far it has worked. I have thoroughly enjoyed all of my sober holidays and I would have absolutely never thought that would be the case.

RUL23

thanks for this. It helps. I appreciate it.

doggonecarl

As long as you continue to romance alcohol and equate it with having a good time, you are going to struggle. If you feel sobriety is depriving you from enjoying yourself, you are going to struggle. If you feel sobriety is a punishment, you are going to struggle.

You are right. Sobriety is a mindset. It's also a lifestyle. To live a sober life, you have to love your sober life. I have no tips for attaining that except to carefully study the lies your addiction is telling you about enjoying life without drinking and how difficult it will be.

I had a long list of things I enjoyed doing, loved doing, when I drank. Once I was sober, I realized that what I loved was the drinking, not the event, and sober I just didn't do a lot of them anymore. I found new things I did enjoy, without the drinking.

RUL23

never really thought about it this way. It makes sense. Thank you.

fini

what really helped me was putting snapshots in my head, so to speak.
imagining myself in future scenarios, sober, at events, sober, and feeling fine, nothing missing.
i pictured a sober, contented me in the situations where i always drank and made myself see it.

least

The best advice I ever got was from someone(s) here and that was, to shore up your sobriety, practice gratitude every day. Start and end each day with something you're thankful for. I found that by being grateful, I found even more to be grateful for. Gratitude begets gratitude.

I got that advice when I was about 3 months sober and 'wasn't feeling it'. I've been sober now for over 11 yrs and am happier than I've ever been. My life is not always easy, but I have a feeling of peace and contentment in my soul, so I can deal with adversity without falling apart.

Here's an article about how being grateful can make you happier.

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0

2ndhandrose

This reminds me of a quote I recently read -

"To have one thing I gave up everything. To have everything I gave up one thing."

Steely

Drinking messed me up in so many ways. In everything I did. In every place I went.

Now, I love to be sober every place I go.

RUL23

These are all great posts. Thanks everyone. Wonderful advice.

Be123

This isn't advice as I don't feel qualified to give it, but my technique is not to worry about the future. Do I want to drink today? No. What's going on today...I need to plan my day to make sure I won't drink. As time goes on that planning needs to be less specific (first weeks sober I planned to the minute).

What do I need to do today to help my recovery? What do I need to do today to make myself happier, more whole etc. I'm going to eat well, I'm going to exercise, I'm going to be kind to myself.

It's a paradox I know but this short term approach is also my long term one. I have faith that when those difficult days come - a funeral for example - this same approach will take care of the day. But as for me, today is going to be a good one I reckon, and I'm going to pour all of myself into it.

DriGuy

This is a good question, and posed in a way that is not often seen. It's a good question because it focuses on that part of sobriety that so many programs, especially AA, consider to be the essence of recovery. This is reinforced with bumper sticker slogans that authoritatively assert, "You can't just put the plug in the jug, and be sober," or label some recovering drunks as, "Dry drunks." Personally, I don't share that same perspective. We are all different. We survive by our own wits, not by bumper stickers. Who says you can't just put the plug in the jug and be satisfied? If that's all you want, you've taken a big step already, and I believe some can be happy with that. Granted, I did want more, but I'm not saying you should.

I have a friend I met 10 years ago who one day just sobered up on his own before I ever knew him. No program, no plan. At least he has never described a plan. He just stopped, and this automatically stopped such negatives in his life as taking a bullet to the stomach, which actually happened to him. He professes to be quite happy, but doesn't go on and on about personal growth, and he's been sober for as many years as I have. His story as he tells it is nothing more than, "I used to act like a drunken slob. I don't do that anymore." I totally believe he is quite happy, because he is a remarkably good person, and a friend I trust. He handles adversity with remarkable ease. But while I'm OK with just putting the plug in the jug, I do seek personal growth, but I did that long before I turned into a drunk.

OK so the first thing is that if you aren't happy right now, you need to do something different, and the things you can do different are infinite. Or you may adjust your expectations to accept more of reality.

The second thing is that this self improvement thing and attitude change don't lend themselves very well to description, but to answer part of your question, practice and time is part, but not all of it, and yes, you can practice being happy and content. But it's not a matter of accumulating knowledge. It's more like the muscle memory musicians use when they play. They don't think their way through every note. Practice has given their finger muscles the ability to "think" on their own while the muscian's mind is off singing the words to the music, or God knows what else musicians think about while they play. This is muscle memory, and you recognize it when you master it. It's quite non intuitive, and it's hard to learn, but easier to recognize when you get it. Much of personal growth is like that.

That probably doesn't help much. You are searching for a thing that you haven't had, so you don't know what you are looking for. Once you find it, the light comes on and you go, "Well I'll be! This is kind of cool." When I discover these little life tidbits, it is often accompanied by a sensation that I had been looking in the wrong places before I found them.

But sometimes this kind of struggle with personal satisfaction can be as simple as a chemical imbalance, so that needs to be sorted out too.

BackandScared

19 months sober here. Last time the idea of a glass of wine felt super attractive was yesterday night while writing my diary with my teenager girl resting her head on my lap. So I am still romanticizing the alcohol (first disclaimer)

However, the way I was able to change my mindset was realising that it was very sad not to find joy in anything but alcohol. The fact that I could not enjoy time with friends, dancing, sex, nature, anything without adding wine was just telling me one thing: I did not enjoy anything any longer. Just the alcohol. Imagine you could not enjoy any of the things you are listing above without a cigarette (perhaps you are addicted to that too; I was) or without chocolate cake. It is the ultimate proof of what alcohol is stealing from you.

Hodd

Hi BackandScared, you’re doing just fine. I’m 26 months sober and often have the feeling a glass of wine would be nice. It’s no longer a powerful urge, but it could become one. If I did “experiment” and have one glass - the shop near me sells one-glass bottles - I’d probably have that one and nothing would happen that day. The next evening, though, I just bet I’d be craving that bit more for that wine. After all, I was fine with just the one yesterday, right?

It’d become a daily occurrence within a week. I’d also be having wine in restaurants, etc. There’s only one way the level of consumption would go after that,

So, nothing wrong with having that feeling on occasion. We’re sober long enough now to ignore it

fishkiller

Only a little over a year sober but my strategy is to focus all my attention on the reason for the event. That won't help with the beer and wine festivities, I personally would have no interest in those anymore.
I have done holidays and birthdays so far and now it is 2nd nature to think about the event instead of how much we will drink and how much better it will be if I drink. Which is total bs, for me anyway.
I enjoy these events much more sober and that has reinforced my strength.

Also not lookin too far ahead and worrying helps. One event at a time.

lessgravity

Great post and typically great responses.

For me the social events that I used to drink at are now events that I am actually able to remember afterwards and enjoy for what they are - rather than mere vehicles for booze. Movies, sports and the like I can now recall. Social events are sometimes less fun, less easy to be totally at ease while enjoying - but that's life. There are sometimes that I am turned off my friends/family who are drunk at events, sometimes that I have fun with their levity and others where I do not even notice that other people are drinking. Prior to covid this was the emerging experience for me - that I barely cared or took note of who was drinking what where.

And to fortify my sobriety I have taken advantage of the things that drinking sabotaged - physical fitness and mediation and reading and work. I focus on those things and enjoy the progress and value they give to me.

Zebra1275

I'm coming up on 11 years sober. I'm only going to comment on a couple of things on your lists.

Events I Love But Also Drink At:

• Concerts - No way, not anymore. I love going to concerts now and remembering the setlist the next day. I went to many concerts back in the day where the only proof I had of attending was the ticket stub because I didn't remember any songs that were played.
• Holidays - I embarrassed myself too many times. I look better now in pictures because I'm sober.

New Found Hobbies That I Enjoy and Don't Drink With (btw- never thought I'd discover this many when sober):

• Keeping track of our finances and investments. It's so nice to have discretionary income every month that I'm not drinking away in some manner.
• Reading - I've always read a lot. What I find enjoyable now is reading a mystery or thriller before bedtime, and actually remembering how it ended the next day. In the old days there were so many times I needed to reread the last couple of chapters to remember how it ended. The same thing was true for movies.
• Planning my days and weeks better so that I actually accomplish the things I want to do. In the old days I spent considerable time planning how to get alcohol, consume it discretely, dispose of the empty bottles, and then try to act normal the next morning when I was actually very hungover.