Lots of tears tonight
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 424
Lots of tears tonight
Working Step 2, reading it, and meeting with sponsor in the morning
Lots of regret for bad decisions and lost chances that are solidly in the past — tears just keep flowing tonight
I believe I am in need of sanity and I believe in a higher power.....I also believe right now I’m beyond upset. I’m grieving what I could of had if I sobered up and quit running.... tough tough memories tonight. I’m hurting. Won’t drink but it really really hurts.
Lots of regret for bad decisions and lost chances that are solidly in the past — tears just keep flowing tonight
I believe I am in need of sanity and I believe in a higher power.....I also believe right now I’m beyond upset. I’m grieving what I could of had if I sobered up and quit running.... tough tough memories tonight. I’m hurting. Won’t drink but it really really hurts.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I'm sorry you're upset and feeling bad Suzieq. There is nothing wrong with feeling your emotions and the grieving the loss of what could have been. I have gone through it too. But do not get stuck in it. You can have a great life ahead of you in sobriety. It is important to ultimately accept that the past is gone and live in the present, in order to make the most of it.
Some day you'll feel good again. Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,588
It does hurt Susie. It can hurt bad, feels like the tears won't stop. But they will, and we get to know ourselves as we never thought possible. Regeneration at last. No longer a dream we set for ourselves in the drinking. We get to be real, and it's what we've always wanted.
The losses you cry for now will be cast to the wind. Not forgotten, but no longer with same intensity, grief. They will be replaced with new beginnings. New gains. Cry your little heart out, you will feel the relief given by tears. Recovery.
It's a good thing Suzie, without which no real growth would be possible.
The losses you cry for now will be cast to the wind. Not forgotten, but no longer with same intensity, grief. They will be replaced with new beginnings. New gains. Cry your little heart out, you will feel the relief given by tears. Recovery.
It's a good thing Suzie, without which no real growth would be possible.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Suzieq,
i assume you are taking these steps because you want the results that you see in those around you that have taken them.
while you are going through grief and regret about past actions taken and omitted, it is good to remember that this is one side only of the coin you are holding, in the place you’re at.
the other side is hope, and promises, as you will no doubt have heard read many times and seen come true in others’ lives.
it would be really odd if you had no tears of regret.
but, also, while it hurts, you can choose to look forward towards the new direction you are going on.
hang in there.
i assume you are taking these steps because you want the results that you see in those around you that have taken them.
while you are going through grief and regret about past actions taken and omitted, it is good to remember that this is one side only of the coin you are holding, in the place you’re at.
the other side is hope, and promises, as you will no doubt have heard read many times and seen come true in others’ lives.
it would be really odd if you had no tears of regret.
but, also, while it hurts, you can choose to look forward towards the new direction you are going on.
hang in there.
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
That is really tough stuff Suzie. I think regret will always be with us. But it doesn't need to rule the day. Use all of that hurt and emotion to govern future decisions and behavior. I don't know a single person who walks this earth long enough - addicts and non-addicts included - who doesn't struggle with some regrets. I think we fool ourselves that that stuff won't bother us on some level forever. I think it will. But every minute we spend doing that is a minute that is gone forever. So keep it in its proper place in your day. We're with you Suzie and I am sorry you are hurting.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Hey Suzie.... I remember the power and the pain of emotions - unaided by the anesthesia of alcohol.
Packed-up, backed-up and stuffed inside, layer upon layer.... then amplified by the clarity of a sober mind, looking around the landscape of a life impaired by booze. Man, that can be super glum, super painful. It can feel hopeless and despairing.
A therapist encouraged me to think about those feelings like clouds. Like clouds, they don't last forever. Like clouds, there is a subtle ever-changing nature to emotions that, if observed with a little bit of detachment, can help..... rather than simply feeling "I'm in PAIN and this is awful and I want it to stop" - we can choose to become curious about our pain. Observe it. See how it morphs. Ask it what it needs. Be gentle with it and with ourselves.
And, like clouds, when we sit in a place of acceptance and we observe them.... we begin to see that within the greyglum tapestry of emotions, there are breaks in the cloud cover. There are bits that shine through. There are lighter spots, darker spots, there are shapes we can make out that remind us of goodness, of love, of inspiration and of meaning.
We came to view pain as something to be escaped, and that became the seed of our addiction along the way..... we can choose to welcome pain as a part of life, and work WITH it rather than seek to escape it.
That's not easy, but it makes a big difference!
I offer you a hug from wherever I am to wherever you are, across the miles, though in Spirit - right beside you and offering you support and encouragement.
Packed-up, backed-up and stuffed inside, layer upon layer.... then amplified by the clarity of a sober mind, looking around the landscape of a life impaired by booze. Man, that can be super glum, super painful. It can feel hopeless and despairing.
A therapist encouraged me to think about those feelings like clouds. Like clouds, they don't last forever. Like clouds, there is a subtle ever-changing nature to emotions that, if observed with a little bit of detachment, can help..... rather than simply feeling "I'm in PAIN and this is awful and I want it to stop" - we can choose to become curious about our pain. Observe it. See how it morphs. Ask it what it needs. Be gentle with it and with ourselves.
And, like clouds, when we sit in a place of acceptance and we observe them.... we begin to see that within the greyglum tapestry of emotions, there are breaks in the cloud cover. There are bits that shine through. There are lighter spots, darker spots, there are shapes we can make out that remind us of goodness, of love, of inspiration and of meaning.
We came to view pain as something to be escaped, and that became the seed of our addiction along the way..... we can choose to welcome pain as a part of life, and work WITH it rather than seek to escape it.
That's not easy, but it makes a big difference!
I offer you a hug from wherever I am to wherever you are, across the miles, though in Spirit - right beside you and offering you support and encouragement.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 424
Thank you everyone. Last night was very hard. I woke up this morning with my eyes hurting and having briefs moments of sadness still.
In all my sadness last night, I started thinking maybe I shouldn’t really regret the past—I should see it as the path that my higher power had for me. And if things were really meant to be—he would have made it happen. Instead, he’s letting me use it as a learning tool for me for this very moment in my life—that my higher power is in control ALWAYS, and I need to let that guide me going forward into sobriety. And maybe, just maybe, if I can let go of the past—I could have something even better in the future.
In all my sadness last night, I started thinking maybe I shouldn’t really regret the past—I should see it as the path that my higher power had for me. And if things were really meant to be—he would have made it happen. Instead, he’s letting me use it as a learning tool for me for this very moment in my life—that my higher power is in control ALWAYS, and I need to let that guide me going forward into sobriety. And maybe, just maybe, if I can let go of the past—I could have something even better in the future.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
letting go of regret was and is important to me..... regret is simply holding on to pain past. Our past can be useful, valuable and informative to who we wish to become, even if it's painful. But we needn't hold onto that past pain as we examine the past for insight. Regret, like resentment, keeps us stuck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 424
Talked to my sponsor today. She was right on the money. I need to go to more meetings. I need to be with people.
I have been busy with the kids and not been able to attend. She made a good point—when we don’t go, or involve ourselves in listening to others—we are left to deal with the constant ruminating thoughts in our head. And last night, that is exactly what happened.
I need to listen to the stories of others to find a connection and to get out of my own head. And that all that has happened has lead me to this defining moment in my life—sobriety.
Beyond thankful for this today 🙏
I have been busy with the kids and not been able to attend. She made a good point—when we don’t go, or involve ourselves in listening to others—we are left to deal with the constant ruminating thoughts in our head. And last night, that is exactly what happened.
I need to listen to the stories of others to find a connection and to get out of my own head. And that all that has happened has lead me to this defining moment in my life—sobriety.
Beyond thankful for this today 🙏
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 424
Talked to my sponsor today. She was right on the money. I need to go to more meetings. I need to be with people.
I have been busy with the kids and not been able to attend. She made a good point—when we don’t go, or involve ourselves in listening to others—we are left to deal with the constant ruminating thoughts in our head. And last night, that is exactly what happened. I was having lots of feelings—which is totally fine, but I need to learn how to deal with them.
I need to listen to the stories of others to find a connection and to get out of my own head. And that all that has happened has lead me to this defining moment in my life—sobriety.
Beyond thankful for this today 🙏
I have been busy with the kids and not been able to attend. She made a good point—when we don’t go, or involve ourselves in listening to others—we are left to deal with the constant ruminating thoughts in our head. And last night, that is exactly what happened. I was having lots of feelings—which is totally fine, but I need to learn how to deal with them.
I need to listen to the stories of others to find a connection and to get out of my own head. And that all that has happened has lead me to this defining moment in my life—sobriety.
Beyond thankful for this today 🙏
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
If I hadn't done everything that I did, I wouldn't know what I do today. My past was the precursor and held the keys to the better life I know today. There definitely was some pain and hardship involved in my past, but it was preparing me for the gifts I receive today. The pain of the past opened my eyes to the beauty of today and insure that I proceed into my future with my eyes wide open and my heart filled with gratitude. I know what was...and what is now.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Suzie, I find it fascinating that (I think) we are on the same timeline in sobriety yet how different our challenges and paths have turned out (other than not drinking of course), at least in these first few months. For me, it speaks volumes to how important it is for all of us to find methods and the kind of help that fit well. It seems like you have found that in AA and that is so good to hear.
Not very different though is that I've also found some of the greatest help in my online recovery meetings and program and I am also up and down with attending a bit. There has never been a week so far when I have not gone to any, but the quantity and which meetings I attend varies. Also usually feel that I need to get back on track when I've been lagging for a little while and rationalize it with being busy. In addition to these interactions and using the program that works for me great, I personally find it essential for mental balance to have engaging, productive, rewarding occupations in my life other than recovery. For example, I wonder if you have such things? For me, right now these are mostly wrapping up a complicated job, working on a new business, and looking for a new home. I tried to add new hobbies but found it was a bit too much right now together with all the other time-consuming, change-making things, but I think it's important to actually do things that are enjoyable and that relaxing. So I just go on walks, exercise a bit, read books and watch things online for now. Saying this because thinking about and discussing the details of our addiction and its consequences can be quite taxing mentally, so I wonder if you are also doing pleasant things to balance it, even if they are just conversations about non-recovery stuff or simple distractions?
Not very different though is that I've also found some of the greatest help in my online recovery meetings and program and I am also up and down with attending a bit. There has never been a week so far when I have not gone to any, but the quantity and which meetings I attend varies. Also usually feel that I need to get back on track when I've been lagging for a little while and rationalize it with being busy. In addition to these interactions and using the program that works for me great, I personally find it essential for mental balance to have engaging, productive, rewarding occupations in my life other than recovery. For example, I wonder if you have such things? For me, right now these are mostly wrapping up a complicated job, working on a new business, and looking for a new home. I tried to add new hobbies but found it was a bit too much right now together with all the other time-consuming, change-making things, but I think it's important to actually do things that are enjoyable and that relaxing. So I just go on walks, exercise a bit, read books and watch things online for now. Saying this because thinking about and discussing the details of our addiction and its consequences can be quite taxing mentally, so I wonder if you are also doing pleasant things to balance it, even if they are just conversations about non-recovery stuff or simple distractions?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 424
Originally Posted by Aellyce2 
Suzie, I find it fascinating that (I think) we are on the same timeline in sobriety yet how different our challenges and paths have turned out (other than not drinking of course), at least in these first few months. For me, it speaks volumes to how important it is for all of us to find methods and the kind of help that fit well. It seems like you have found that in AA and that is so good to hear.
Not very different though is that I've also found some of the greatest help in my online recovery meetings and program and I am also up and down with attending a bit. There has never been a week so far when I have not gone to any, but the quantity and which meetings I attend varies. Also usually feel that I need to get back on track when I've been lagging for a little while and rationalize it with being busy. In addition to these interactions and using the program that works for me great, I personally find it essential for mental balance to have engaging, productive, rewarding occupations in my life other than recovery. For example, I wonder if you have such things? For me, right now these are mostly wrapping up a complicated job, working on a new business, and looking for a new home. I tried to add new hobbies but found it was a bit too much right now together with all the other time-consuming, change-making things, but I think it's important to actually do things that are enjoyable and that relaxing. So I just go on walks, exercise a bit, read books and watch things online for now. Saying this because thinking about and discussing the details of our addiction and its consequences can be quite taxing mentally, so I wonder if you are also doing pleasant things to balance it, even if they are just conversations about non-recovery stuff or simple distractions?
Not very different though is that I've also found some of the greatest help in my online recovery meetings and program and I am also up and down with attending a bit. There has never been a week so far when I have not gone to any, but the quantity and which meetings I attend varies. Also usually feel that I need to get back on track when I've been lagging for a little while and rationalize it with being busy. In addition to these interactions and using the program that works for me great, I personally find it essential for mental balance to have engaging, productive, rewarding occupations in my life other than recovery. For example, I wonder if you have such things? For me, right now these are mostly wrapping up a complicated job, working on a new business, and looking for a new home. I tried to add new hobbies but found it was a bit too much right now together with all the other time-consuming, change-making things, but I think it's important to actually do things that are enjoyable and that relaxing. So I just go on walks, exercise a bit, read books and watch things online for now. Saying this because thinking about and discussing the details of our addiction and its consequences can be quite taxing mentally, so I wonder if you are also doing pleasant things to balance it, even if they are just conversations about non-recovery stuff or simple distractions?
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Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 637
Originally Posted by Suzieq17
I need to incorporate more relaxing activities into my life. I am a mom who works during the day, runs around for sports at night, make dinner, gets kids to get homework done and kids showered and ready for bed—that’s during the week. So, the weekend I find a bit more time for me. I’m working on this—but it’s very hard right now.
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