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I almost drank tonite

Old 02-15-2021, 05:49 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ANM View Post
Hi all,

Thank you for all the kind words, I really appreciate it. I am struggling today. Actually, I've been struggling big time since Friday when I posted. I have not drank but my cravings and AV are out of control. I want to drink. I wanted to yesterday and I want to today. I can't shake it. This is the first time this has happened. I think I was really naive thinking that when I stopped drinking everything would magically be better. It's not. Not at all. Yes, of course it is better that I am not drinking - so yay for that - but I feel like crappy most days. Depressed, empty, sad, lost, bitter, CRANKY, tired, achy. I thought it was supposed to get better? I am going to make an appt. with my doctor this week. I eat pretty well but have been overeating and indulging in the sugar like nobody's business and I think that is not helping. At first, I thought, hell - eat whatever as long as you don't drink. 6 weeks in I need to rein it in bc now I feel like I'm eating not so much due to sugar cravings and more to fill a hollow void that can't be fixed with food. But that's a huge part of it too though. For me, food and wine/alcohol go hand in hand. I LOVE to cook and eat and feed people and go to the market/farmers markets to pick all the fresh seasonal yumminess and make something delicious. And drink wine while I'm cooking, drink wine while I'm eating, drink while I'm cleaning up and putting away, drink wine after dinner watching a movie or tv... It's such a visceral loss all around. I've done really well up until this past Friday.

Why do we drink when we're happy AND when we're sad? It's like - you drink when you celebrate and you drink when you grieve. Some of us (me) drink just because it is as normal as having a cup of coffee. So what do you do when that is gone?

I really don't want to go on medication but I think it's time for some professional medical advice. I need to get out of this rut. There are some moments where I do feel good and happy but also the Covid lockdown does NOT help. Luckily I don't live alone but it's hard I feel like it is much easier to wallow in my own pity party and that is saying a lot because anyone who knows me knows I am super-positive and a glass half-full kind of gal. I believe in acknowledging everything that is going on, feel what you're feeling but then pull yourself up and move forward. I am having a very hard time with that right now.

Sorry for the long post but writing this all down is cathartic in itself. Hope everyone is doing ok today and happy Valentines day
You are doing very well!

It is very hard to get sober. You will not always "feel" this way. It took me a solid 3 months until I actually felt like I was okay. I leveled off. I had faith in the process and the process was EXTREMELY hard at times. This forum saved me from an epic melt down when I was in a quarantine and sober for a few months. I lost it.

The good thing, and something to be acknowledged, is that you are changing the way you cope with life. You got on here and posted your thoughts. You are looking at yourself and taking a healthy approach to your life. You have a great understanding of yourself and will get back to that positive way of being soon enough.

I promise that it does get better just as long as we stay the course. My mental and emotional health are 100% different 4+ months into this journey.

Removing alcohol creates a void. It is important to fill that void with something else otherwise there is an emptiness. At least that has been my experience. I really had to restructure my time and entire life in order to stay the course.
I dont feel a void any longer. The thoughts of drinking come and go but I suspect those thoughts will always be there. Im noticing that they are fewer and fewer. Such a relief.

YOU GOT THIS!!!! You really do!

Driguy is right. Force the change. I believe this process requires less thinking and more doing. Just do the next best thing. It all comes together sooner or later.....It does come together though!
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Old 02-15-2021, 09:47 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
ANM
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Thanks so much Mizz and DriGuy - I appreciate both of you and what you wrote so much. I still wanted to drink today but I didn't (!) and I wholeheartedly agree that as time keeps on and I stay the course things will get better.

Here's to Forcing the Change!
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