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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 5
New here
Hi there everyone,
I joined this forum as a way to find resources and to help cope with my boyfriend's addiction. He has suffered from alcoholism for over 10 years (we began dating 2.5 years ago). I realized early in our relationship that his drinking was a problem but it wasn't until his behavior became erratic, unpredictable, and dangerous that I asked him to consider recovery. In the past he went into treatment for drug and alcohol addiction, before I met him. Now, he has decided to go into treatment again after a particularly bad argument we got into which ended with him throwing my laptop and his own cell phone into the woods in over a foot of snow.
He also recently had a doctor's visit and found out he has a fatty liver and will develop cirrhosis unless he stops drinking. He is only 31 years old, and I care for him so much but I feel guilty about his addiction. I struggle with constant anxiety and fear over our relationship. In the past he has engaged in sexual relationships with people outside of our own when he is drunk. His cheating has been devastating for me understand, I want to believe that he actually wants to get better for his own health and to improve his relationship with myself and his family but I have doubts. I have asked him if he considers himself to be a sex addict as well, but he brushed it off and told me that "sex addiction" wasn't real.
My doubts over his seriousness about sobriety have been causing me to lose hope in him, and I want our relationship to work but I also want him to do whatever is best for his safety and health. In the past, we have discussed marriage and starting a family, but with his current behavior it is just not possible for us.
Even venting my anxiety and frustration about his addiction makes me feel bad. I constantly wonder what I can do to help him, but I am also tired and worn down by his addiction. Part of me wonders if I did something wrong or wasn't supportive enough and that was what caused all these problems in our relationship.
Others have confided in me about their concern over his addiction, and I feel like some of them blame me for not doing enough to help him. He has several friends who care about him and his health, but I feel he has far more friends who enable him and encourage his drinking and drug use. I just feel so lost and anxious, and most days I just wish I could go back in time and prevent all of the arguments and fights that were caused by his drinking.
I joined this forum as a way to find resources and to help cope with my boyfriend's addiction. He has suffered from alcoholism for over 10 years (we began dating 2.5 years ago). I realized early in our relationship that his drinking was a problem but it wasn't until his behavior became erratic, unpredictable, and dangerous that I asked him to consider recovery. In the past he went into treatment for drug and alcohol addiction, before I met him. Now, he has decided to go into treatment again after a particularly bad argument we got into which ended with him throwing my laptop and his own cell phone into the woods in over a foot of snow.
He also recently had a doctor's visit and found out he has a fatty liver and will develop cirrhosis unless he stops drinking. He is only 31 years old, and I care for him so much but I feel guilty about his addiction. I struggle with constant anxiety and fear over our relationship. In the past he has engaged in sexual relationships with people outside of our own when he is drunk. His cheating has been devastating for me understand, I want to believe that he actually wants to get better for his own health and to improve his relationship with myself and his family but I have doubts. I have asked him if he considers himself to be a sex addict as well, but he brushed it off and told me that "sex addiction" wasn't real.
My doubts over his seriousness about sobriety have been causing me to lose hope in him, and I want our relationship to work but I also want him to do whatever is best for his safety and health. In the past, we have discussed marriage and starting a family, but with his current behavior it is just not possible for us.
Even venting my anxiety and frustration about his addiction makes me feel bad. I constantly wonder what I can do to help him, but I am also tired and worn down by his addiction. Part of me wonders if I did something wrong or wasn't supportive enough and that was what caused all these problems in our relationship.
Others have confided in me about their concern over his addiction, and I feel like some of them blame me for not doing enough to help him. He has several friends who care about him and his health, but I feel he has far more friends who enable him and encourage his drinking and drug use. I just feel so lost and anxious, and most days I just wish I could go back in time and prevent all of the arguments and fights that were caused by his drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 622
Welcome!
"I constantly wonder what I can do to help him"
In my opinion you can't do anything to help him, it has to be him that decides when enough is enough.
I was him in the past and it didn't matter what I was told or by whom. I lost a lot because of it which included a wife, family and $$$$$.
Edit....I don't blame my ex for leaving at all. She did what was best for her and the kids at the time.
Good Luck!
"I constantly wonder what I can do to help him"
In my opinion you can't do anything to help him, it has to be him that decides when enough is enough.
I was him in the past and it didn't matter what I was told or by whom. I lost a lot because of it which included a wife, family and $$$$$.
Edit....I don't blame my ex for leaving at all. She did what was best for her and the kids at the time.
Good Luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,505
I agree with C0ntr0ls, Marissa.
Your bf has got to want to get sober. Talk with him by all means, but until he is ready it's not going to happen. Get sober, that is.
Do you believe him when he says he wants to enter treatment? If you do, then bravo, when's he going to book in? I'd be wanting to know, as of now.
Sounds like it's really starting to impact you emotionally, psychologically, and when this happens time to consider you own options. You are entitled to a good life. Don't let another person take this from you. Ever.
It usually doesn't get better Marissa, it usually gets worse. I would not say this but for the language you use to describe his behaviour as, "erratic, unpredictable, and dangerous."
He is looking at cirrhosis if he doesn't stop. He is putting you at risk of STD if he is having sex with other people whilst with you. This, plus the emotional insult to yourself. That's not good Marissa. Not one bit. Start thinking about yourself, and ask how much of his behaviour you are prepared to take without statement from him about change.
Marissa his addiction has nothing to do with anything you've done. He's been in treatment before, let's face it. Please do not blame yourself for any of this, you sound like a really concerned, kind, girlfriend. Don't let him take advantage of this.
Time to look after yourself Marissa. Time to get real commitment from him about treatment and recovery.
We have a forum here for "Family & Friends". Maybe check it out and talk with others about how they have coped with similar.
Time to take care of YOU Marissa.
I'm wishing you the best. You deserve it.
Your bf has got to want to get sober. Talk with him by all means, but until he is ready it's not going to happen. Get sober, that is.
Do you believe him when he says he wants to enter treatment? If you do, then bravo, when's he going to book in? I'd be wanting to know, as of now.
Sounds like it's really starting to impact you emotionally, psychologically, and when this happens time to consider you own options. You are entitled to a good life. Don't let another person take this from you. Ever.
It usually doesn't get better Marissa, it usually gets worse. I would not say this but for the language you use to describe his behaviour as, "erratic, unpredictable, and dangerous."
He is looking at cirrhosis if he doesn't stop. He is putting you at risk of STD if he is having sex with other people whilst with you. This, plus the emotional insult to yourself. That's not good Marissa. Not one bit. Start thinking about yourself, and ask how much of his behaviour you are prepared to take without statement from him about change.
Marissa his addiction has nothing to do with anything you've done. He's been in treatment before, let's face it. Please do not blame yourself for any of this, you sound like a really concerned, kind, girlfriend. Don't let him take advantage of this.
Time to look after yourself Marissa. Time to get real commitment from him about treatment and recovery.
We have a forum here for "Family & Friends". Maybe check it out and talk with others about how they have coped with similar.
Time to take care of YOU Marissa.
I'm wishing you the best. You deserve it.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Marissa- Your post breaks my heart.
I hear you blaming yourself in various ways and that is gut wrenching. An outsider, like myself, can say to you that this is not your fault. You have not done anything wrong. Not in sharing. Not in being concerned. Unfortunately, you are in a relationship with an active alcoholic.
He is a grown ass man who needs to get a handle on his addiction. His behaviors and his alcohol abuse are his to own. No one can blame you for his actions. If they are trying to blame you then reject that notion and move forward. You didn't make him drink. Obviously, you cant stop him. He is not your job. He is an adult, Marissa.
It does sound like the addiction is touching every part of you as in emotionally, mentally and with his outburst of throwing stuff....... Is there a chance he would lash out towards you physically?
How are you caring for yourself? Are you making yourself a priority? Are you implementing boundaries with this alcoholic?
Steely suggested the Friends and Family section and there is a lot of good information there. Also, continue to post here. Others will come along with their support.
BTW....You are talking to a giant group of people who have had some serious issues with alcohol. We understand where he is with his alcoholism. We know how bad it is and how much worse it can get. The collective voice here will tell you this is not your fault and to please take care of yourself. Welcome to SR!
I hear you blaming yourself in various ways and that is gut wrenching. An outsider, like myself, can say to you that this is not your fault. You have not done anything wrong. Not in sharing. Not in being concerned. Unfortunately, you are in a relationship with an active alcoholic.
He is a grown ass man who needs to get a handle on his addiction. His behaviors and his alcohol abuse are his to own. No one can blame you for his actions. If they are trying to blame you then reject that notion and move forward. You didn't make him drink. Obviously, you cant stop him. He is not your job. He is an adult, Marissa.
It does sound like the addiction is touching every part of you as in emotionally, mentally and with his outburst of throwing stuff....... Is there a chance he would lash out towards you physically?
How are you caring for yourself? Are you making yourself a priority? Are you implementing boundaries with this alcoholic?
Steely suggested the Friends and Family section and there is a lot of good information there. Also, continue to post here. Others will come along with their support.
BTW....You are talking to a giant group of people who have had some serious issues with alcohol. We understand where he is with his alcoholism. We know how bad it is and how much worse it can get. The collective voice here will tell you this is not your fault and to please take care of yourself. Welcome to SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Steely 
Your bf has got to want to get sober. Talk with him by all means, but until he is ready it's not going to happen. Get sober, that is.
Do you believe him when he says he wants to enter treatment? If you do, then bravo, when's he going to book in? I'd be wanting to know, as of now.
Sounds like it's really starting to impact you emotionally, psychologically, and when this happens time to consider you own options. You are entitled to a good life. Don't let another person take this from you. Ever.
Marissa his addiction has nothing to do with anything you've done. He's been in treatment before, let's face it. Please do not blame yourself for any of this, you sound like a really concerned, kind, girlfriend. Don't let him take advantage of this.
Time to look after yourself Marissa. Time to get real commitment from him about treatment and recovery.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,507
Hi marissa - I'm so glad you came here. I can't add much to what others have said - but I hope talking things over will help relieve your anxiety a bit.
I'm an alcoholic, but many years ago I was in your same position with a husband I dearly loved. He'd been drinking his whole life - but I always made excuses for him. I didn't know of the phrase 'alcoholism is a progressive disease'. I did all the wrong things, trying to be kind - and ended up being an enabler.
I hope you'll continue to post - we care.
I'm an alcoholic, but many years ago I was in your same position with a husband I dearly loved. He'd been drinking his whole life - but I always made excuses for him. I didn't know of the phrase 'alcoholism is a progressive disease'. I did all the wrong things, trying to be kind - and ended up being an enabler.
I hope you'll continue to post - we care.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Welcome to SR Marissa. I'm really sorry for what brings you here.
You really cannot do anything to help him and his addiction and all of his drunken behavior have nothing to do with you and do not, in any way, reflect on your character. His good-time buddies just want you to keep this guy functional so they can keep partying together. Don't listen to them on any issues.
This might not be workable and it may end your relationship, but the best thing you can do for yourself and for him is to step away for now. I would recommend not living in the same place as him for now and definitely not making any plans with him or doing anything at all with him that you might do with a long-term stable partner. Get some distance.
Then do not let any of that distance close until you are confident that he is sober and takes his recovery seriously. Make him demonstrate that to you with actions, not words. Us addicts will **** right into your eye and tell you it's raining. You will know by the way he looks, the way he acts, the decisions he makes. It will be obvious.
I am worried about you and feel like you are in a potentially disastrous situation. Think only of yourself for the next few years and don't let any of the insanity back into your life.
You really cannot do anything to help him and his addiction and all of his drunken behavior have nothing to do with you and do not, in any way, reflect on your character. His good-time buddies just want you to keep this guy functional so they can keep partying together. Don't listen to them on any issues.
This might not be workable and it may end your relationship, but the best thing you can do for yourself and for him is to step away for now. I would recommend not living in the same place as him for now and definitely not making any plans with him or doing anything at all with him that you might do with a long-term stable partner. Get some distance.
Then do not let any of that distance close until you are confident that he is sober and takes his recovery seriously. Make him demonstrate that to you with actions, not words. Us addicts will **** right into your eye and tell you it's raining. You will know by the way he looks, the way he acts, the decisions he makes. It will be obvious.
I am worried about you and feel like you are in a potentially disastrous situation. Think only of yourself for the next few years and don't let any of the insanity back into your life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,505
Distancing yourself is a first step in having him change Marissa.
More importantly, it is a major step in taking good care of yourself, and without which nothing will work. He'll take advantage of your kind nature, and see no reason to change.
My father was alcoholic. Times were different then, my mother less able to "distance", and with kids in tow. Little money. No social supports. Life as a child was awful too.
I wish she had been able to set that distance, and do the things she had only dreamed. Her life was reduced by my father's alcoholism and should not have been so. Don't let your life be reduced Marissa. We only get one.
More importantly, it is a major step in taking good care of yourself, and without which nothing will work. He'll take advantage of your kind nature, and see no reason to change.
My father was alcoholic. Times were different then, my mother less able to "distance", and with kids in tow. Little money. No social supports. Life as a child was awful too.
I wish she had been able to set that distance, and do the things she had only dreamed. Her life was reduced by my father's alcoholism and should not have been so. Don't let your life be reduced Marissa. We only get one.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,445
Marissa, I'm sorry for your situation and I hope you can find some peace.
Sex addiction is real and very destructive and your boyfriend is in denial if he believes it isn't real. You are making a good decision by taking care of yourself. This is the way for you to move forward: I'm going to start considering next steps for myself and stop worrying so much about him. He said he would go into recovery and the only thing I can do at this point is take him at his word and let him do whatever he does.
Sex addiction is real and very destructive and your boyfriend is in denial if he believes it isn't real. You are making a good decision by taking care of yourself. This is the way for you to move forward: I'm going to start considering next steps for myself and stop worrying so much about him. He said he would go into recovery and the only thing I can do at this point is take him at his word and let him do whatever he does.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 280
Slightly off topic and I appreciate your post. But I was wondering how he was diagnosed with fatty liver? Did a blood test come back irregular?
From what I understand, many folks that drink more than the weekly recommended amount will have some fatty liver.
just curious. Thanks!
From what I understand, many folks that drink more than the weekly recommended amount will have some fatty liver.
just curious. Thanks!
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