Healing (Johannes's recovery journal)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: Spartanburg, South Carolina
Posts: 50
Healing (Johannes's recovery journal)
I’m Johannes, a recovering internet/screen and porn/sex addict. I’ve been in recovery for 20 years—but it’s not been 2 decades of sobriety, far from it. I used to be a very active member of several discussion forums focused on porn addiction, but they’ve both closed down.
I’ve recently made a serious push to tackle the internet addiction: I’ve installed a time filter, and given my best friend the password—so now, I only have 2h15min internet time per day, and 3h45min overall computer time (I’m writing this post offline right now). I don’t have a smart phone and no TV.
So this is a huge step. Without the time filter, I’d invariably be online for the whole day and long into the night, and often this compulsivity would spill over into looking at porn. A horrific situation.
But it’s hard. I am slowly trying to learn how to, well, regain a life away from the screen. It’s so scary, especially as I live on my own, and then easily battle with loneliness.
My best recovery times have been when I would regularly keep a journal on a support board. I want to start this routine again. I hope this board can be the right place for me.
Let’s all recover and heal,
--Johannes
I’ve recently made a serious push to tackle the internet addiction: I’ve installed a time filter, and given my best friend the password—so now, I only have 2h15min internet time per day, and 3h45min overall computer time (I’m writing this post offline right now). I don’t have a smart phone and no TV.
So this is a huge step. Without the time filter, I’d invariably be online for the whole day and long into the night, and often this compulsivity would spill over into looking at porn. A horrific situation.
But it’s hard. I am slowly trying to learn how to, well, regain a life away from the screen. It’s so scary, especially as I live on my own, and then easily battle with loneliness.
My best recovery times have been when I would regularly keep a journal on a support board. I want to start this routine again. I hope this board can be the right place for me.
Let’s all recover and heal,
--Johannes
Member
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 637
Welcome to SR. Alot of good tools here to assist with your recovery. Since you are on a time limit for internet access. Probably best to journal write alot then when it's time to get back on you can put it in a post. Even if it's long and descriptive at least you will have some reply to help you get through till you come to check here. Take care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: Spartanburg, South Carolina
Posts: 50
Thank you all so very much for your kind welcome! That means a lot to me!!!
I thought I’d first be writing more about my background—but now it turns out today is already turning out to be way more of a struggle than I anticipated (isn’t it always like that?...). I went online at 11 am, and immediately felt overwhelmed by things I have to do for work, and I was saddened I didn’t find any e-mails from my friends, so with virtually no resistance I went to a chess site and zoned out playing a few games. And sure, if I weren’t an addict, this wouldn’t be a huge problem—but for me it is. Online games are one way I avoid feeling my feelings, and it’s also an easy gateway to then move on to looking at pornography. And once that happens, it’s all over, and I’m in full-blown relapse mode.
So I’m forcing myself now to write in here. And write down what I’m feeling. (The best recovery tool I know.) I feel overwhelmed right now. Even though my work situation has gotten much better………..I recently left my full-time teaching job at a college in the Midwest—I’d worked there for over a decade, and externally it was a successful time: I got tenure, and really learned how to become a fine teacher, and I adored my colleagues. But throughout this time, I felt overwhelmed, and never lost the anxiety of having to go to and be in a classroom, even if teaching went well. And my social life was only briefly reasonably alright.
So I recently decided to move to South Carolina (close to my best friend), and I’m sort of in semi-retirement, still working for my school, developing and teaching online classes.
Back to the present moment……and, see, instead of writing about it, I just went online again for 10 minutes of playing chess and checking news sites…….okay, back here: I have to write a detailed e-mail to my boss about a course development, and I’m just running away from this work. So what I’ll now commit to: spend at least 10 minutes drafting this e-mail.
Looks like I’ll be checking in here more than once a day!
Let’s all recover and heal.
--Johannes
I thought I’d first be writing more about my background—but now it turns out today is already turning out to be way more of a struggle than I anticipated (isn’t it always like that?...). I went online at 11 am, and immediately felt overwhelmed by things I have to do for work, and I was saddened I didn’t find any e-mails from my friends, so with virtually no resistance I went to a chess site and zoned out playing a few games. And sure, if I weren’t an addict, this wouldn’t be a huge problem—but for me it is. Online games are one way I avoid feeling my feelings, and it’s also an easy gateway to then move on to looking at pornography. And once that happens, it’s all over, and I’m in full-blown relapse mode.
So I’m forcing myself now to write in here. And write down what I’m feeling. (The best recovery tool I know.) I feel overwhelmed right now. Even though my work situation has gotten much better………..I recently left my full-time teaching job at a college in the Midwest—I’d worked there for over a decade, and externally it was a successful time: I got tenure, and really learned how to become a fine teacher, and I adored my colleagues. But throughout this time, I felt overwhelmed, and never lost the anxiety of having to go to and be in a classroom, even if teaching went well. And my social life was only briefly reasonably alright.
So I recently decided to move to South Carolina (close to my best friend), and I’m sort of in semi-retirement, still working for my school, developing and teaching online classes.
Back to the present moment……and, see, instead of writing about it, I just went online again for 10 minutes of playing chess and checking news sites…….okay, back here: I have to write a detailed e-mail to my boss about a course development, and I’m just running away from this work. So what I’ll now commit to: spend at least 10 minutes drafting this e-mail.
Looks like I’ll be checking in here more than once a day!
Let’s all recover and heal.
--Johannes
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,231
Not everyone understands addiction. I know my family nor
friends understood why my drinking got me into so much
trouble or why I depended on it as much as I did. I mean,
they didn't, so why should I.
Anyway, when I entered recovery via rehab for 28 days
for my alcohol addiction, I had to be taught, fed some
extremely, important, valuable information about addiction
and how it affected my own heart, mind and soul as well
as those around me.
Once it was broke down to me so I could understand it,
then I was open to learn helpful tools and a guideline to
incorporate in all areas of my life to help me achieve
many of lifes rewarding gifts and blessings.
Tools such as support groups. People just like me who
didnt have to say a word and yet understood me as a
recovery alcoholic, because many of them did the same
similar things I did, or felt as I did. Like they had been
there, done the same similar things as I.
It has always been comforting to me to know that there
are many out there all over the world recovery from
addictions of all kinds. Some one addiction, some multiple.
The formula to recovery is almost the same or similar
and can be achieved by keeping an openmind, willingness,
and honesty by doing the footwork necessary.
If I dont understand something or need help finding
this or that, I ask for helpful suggestions. You'd be
surprised at how many folks will be happy to help
so that you never have to go thru or figure out anything
in life or recovery by ones self.
Surround yourself with as much support, whether here
in SR or outside help and hold onto those valuable lifelines
for dear life as you move forward a day at a time building
a strong solid recovery foundation based on health tools
and knowledge to live on a daily bases.
friends understood why my drinking got me into so much
trouble or why I depended on it as much as I did. I mean,
they didn't, so why should I.
Anyway, when I entered recovery via rehab for 28 days
for my alcohol addiction, I had to be taught, fed some
extremely, important, valuable information about addiction
and how it affected my own heart, mind and soul as well
as those around me.
Once it was broke down to me so I could understand it,
then I was open to learn helpful tools and a guideline to
incorporate in all areas of my life to help me achieve
many of lifes rewarding gifts and blessings.
Tools such as support groups. People just like me who
didnt have to say a word and yet understood me as a
recovery alcoholic, because many of them did the same
similar things I did, or felt as I did. Like they had been
there, done the same similar things as I.
It has always been comforting to me to know that there
are many out there all over the world recovery from
addictions of all kinds. Some one addiction, some multiple.
The formula to recovery is almost the same or similar
and can be achieved by keeping an openmind, willingness,
and honesty by doing the footwork necessary.
If I dont understand something or need help finding
this or that, I ask for helpful suggestions. You'd be
surprised at how many folks will be happy to help
so that you never have to go thru or figure out anything
in life or recovery by ones self.
Surround yourself with as much support, whether here
in SR or outside help and hold onto those valuable lifelines
for dear life as you move forward a day at a time building
a strong solid recovery foundation based on health tools
and knowledge to live on a daily bases.
Erica375
Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: MA
Posts: 493
Johannes, I hope you keep posting here because, like us, you are an addict and you need support and help.
I have alcohol use disorder. I am an alcoholic. My late husband was a porn/sex addict and I can tell you, what's worse than being an addict is being the object of someone's addiction.
I pray that the next time you think of "using," i.e. indulging in your obsession, you remember there is a living, feeling human being attached to that. Please. Be better.
I have alcohol use disorder. I am an alcoholic. My late husband was a porn/sex addict and I can tell you, what's worse than being an addict is being the object of someone's addiction.
I pray that the next time you think of "using," i.e. indulging in your obsession, you remember there is a living, feeling human being attached to that. Please. Be better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Glad you are here and working on your addiction, Johannes. It must be very difficult with the internet such an important and integral part of our lifestyles now. I know I spend way too much time online, my weakness is mostly my hobby forums (bikes, photography, motorcycles.. etc) and sometimes buying more gear. Of course porn and other exploitive material is just a click away for everyone now. I'm sure many people have this addiction and are unwilling to admit it. It stimulates the same reward centers in the brain and can be very damaging mentally and physically.
I commend you for taking action and hope you will stick around here.
I commend you for taking action and hope you will stick around here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: Spartanburg, South Carolina
Posts: 50
Thank you all! I feel very very welcomed.
I’m doing alright today; I did get needed online work done—and now the challenge is to step away from the screen. And I totally agree, the internet is such a part of our lives now, it’s absolutely challenging for me to, well, live offline. In this sense, I feel the screen addiction is even worse than the porn/sex addiction.
But I absolutely hear you, Erica—porn/sex addiction is so devastating for the loved ones. May I ask, was your husband in recovery? I remember when I was a member of various porn/sex addiction recovery boards, it was absolutely heartbreaking to hear the stories of couples. There were only very few stories, where a recovering addict and his/her spouse were able to truly heal.
And for me, one horror has been to realize how this addiction has progressed. I’ve done things I never imagined I would do. Also, the porn/sex addiction is completely opposite to my value system (I call myself a very committed feminist).
Why is it so hard? I remember almost exactly 20 years ago, January 2001, in a moment of despair googling “porn addiction,” and feeling such surprise and gratitude when a support board came up. I had never imagined other people had this problem. I thought in that moment, okay, the worst is over—and was then completely baffled to see that quitting the addiction wasn’t that simple.
I started realizing, wow, there are clear reasons—HALTS—why I act out. Before I didn’t have a clue; I thought I was just disgusting, but had no idea why this was happening.
I got sober July of 2001, and truly thought I’d “beat” the addiction. And yeah, over the following months I certainly became healthier, also worked through some hang-ups I had around sexuality. I didn’t realize at the time I’d been addiction-shifting towards love addiction.
Anyway, I relapsed about 7 months later. Since then, I’ve been struggling. I’ve had extended times of sobriety since then, but none longer than 6 months or so.
And I started realizing the extent of my screen addiction. (This is where in a way I can be grateful to the porn/sex addiction—this being such a horrific form of acting out forced me to choose recovery. If I were merely, say, a video game addict, I might have never realized there’s a problem.)
I moved to St. Louis in 2007 for a teaching position—and careerwise, this really was terrific, and I’m proud of my accomplishments. But there was the dark side, as it were—the constant stress and anxiety I felt caused a serious escalation of my acting out. And let’s face it, the addiction had a way of, well, destroying my emotional life. There’s so much less gladness and hopefulness in me than there was 15 years ago.
Having said that, I did regularly see a therapist who specializes in addiction.
Okay! Sorry this is getting so long. Wanted to try to fill in some background.
A big struggle for me right now is isolation. I should mention that due to a disability I have very limited mobility—these days, I use a walker to somehow get around. It makes being active offline more of a challenge.
Let’s all recover and heal.
--Johannes
I’m doing alright today; I did get needed online work done—and now the challenge is to step away from the screen. And I totally agree, the internet is such a part of our lives now, it’s absolutely challenging for me to, well, live offline. In this sense, I feel the screen addiction is even worse than the porn/sex addiction.
But I absolutely hear you, Erica—porn/sex addiction is so devastating for the loved ones. May I ask, was your husband in recovery? I remember when I was a member of various porn/sex addiction recovery boards, it was absolutely heartbreaking to hear the stories of couples. There were only very few stories, where a recovering addict and his/her spouse were able to truly heal.
And for me, one horror has been to realize how this addiction has progressed. I’ve done things I never imagined I would do. Also, the porn/sex addiction is completely opposite to my value system (I call myself a very committed feminist).
Why is it so hard? I remember almost exactly 20 years ago, January 2001, in a moment of despair googling “porn addiction,” and feeling such surprise and gratitude when a support board came up. I had never imagined other people had this problem. I thought in that moment, okay, the worst is over—and was then completely baffled to see that quitting the addiction wasn’t that simple.
I started realizing, wow, there are clear reasons—HALTS—why I act out. Before I didn’t have a clue; I thought I was just disgusting, but had no idea why this was happening.
I got sober July of 2001, and truly thought I’d “beat” the addiction. And yeah, over the following months I certainly became healthier, also worked through some hang-ups I had around sexuality. I didn’t realize at the time I’d been addiction-shifting towards love addiction.
Anyway, I relapsed about 7 months later. Since then, I’ve been struggling. I’ve had extended times of sobriety since then, but none longer than 6 months or so.
And I started realizing the extent of my screen addiction. (This is where in a way I can be grateful to the porn/sex addiction—this being such a horrific form of acting out forced me to choose recovery. If I were merely, say, a video game addict, I might have never realized there’s a problem.)
I moved to St. Louis in 2007 for a teaching position—and careerwise, this really was terrific, and I’m proud of my accomplishments. But there was the dark side, as it were—the constant stress and anxiety I felt caused a serious escalation of my acting out. And let’s face it, the addiction had a way of, well, destroying my emotional life. There’s so much less gladness and hopefulness in me than there was 15 years ago.
Having said that, I did regularly see a therapist who specializes in addiction.
Okay! Sorry this is getting so long. Wanted to try to fill in some background.
A big struggle for me right now is isolation. I should mention that due to a disability I have very limited mobility—these days, I use a walker to somehow get around. It makes being active offline more of a challenge.
Let’s all recover and heal.
--Johannes
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
I think everyone here is working towards recovery and being who we want to be in the world, Juve.
I am glad you opened up and are here on this forum. You are doing all that you can and so am I. One day at a time.
Please keep posting and sharing your journey. I look forward to reading and participating.
We are here for you!
I am glad you opened up and are here on this forum. You are doing all that you can and so am I. One day at a time.
Please keep posting and sharing your journey. I look forward to reading and participating.
We are here for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: Spartanburg, South Carolina
Posts: 50
I feel recovery is so much about, well, doing things I don’t want to do, but having to do them if I really want to change.
So, I don’t want to check in today. Not that I had a relapse, but I just don’t feel like being accountable today. Why bother? Everything’s fine, isn’t it?
But I guess that kind of thinking is a warning sign. So, checking in!!! I only have a few computer minutes left today, so it’ll be short.
I’m not sure how to count sobriety days for the screen addiction. I mean, every day I certainly spend some time mindlessly online. I don’t think it’s healthy to consider that a relapse. A relapse would be if I went out and compulsively bought a tablet to circumvent my computer time restrictions. (I’ve done that several times—after a few days of acting out I’d end up smashing the tablet with a hammer.)
Porn/sex addiction sobriety is easier to quantify: I have 5 full days. A start. Experience tells me the next week will be the most challenging.
Let’s all recover and heal.
--Johannes
So, I don’t want to check in today. Not that I had a relapse, but I just don’t feel like being accountable today. Why bother? Everything’s fine, isn’t it?
But I guess that kind of thinking is a warning sign. So, checking in!!! I only have a few computer minutes left today, so it’ll be short.
I’m not sure how to count sobriety days for the screen addiction. I mean, every day I certainly spend some time mindlessly online. I don’t think it’s healthy to consider that a relapse. A relapse would be if I went out and compulsively bought a tablet to circumvent my computer time restrictions. (I’ve done that several times—after a few days of acting out I’d end up smashing the tablet with a hammer.)
Porn/sex addiction sobriety is easier to quantify: I have 5 full days. A start. Experience tells me the next week will be the most challenging.
Let’s all recover and heal.
--Johannes
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: Spartanburg, South Carolina
Posts: 50
Clawing my way back here. It’s Day 1 again, and I’m barely hanging on. I used to be better at staying sober! Perhaps because I was more part of a recovery community? I think I struggle so much right now—and have been for a while now—with the question, do I really want to recover? Sure, I tell myself I want to, tell myself my sober life is infinitely better (and it is), but there’s still that part that doesn’t want to give up the wretched pleasure of acting out.
feel it would help if I loved myself more deeply.
Well. At least I’m back here.
Let’s all recover and heal.
--Johannes
feel it would help if I loved myself more deeply.
Well. At least I’m back here.
Let’s all recover and heal.
--Johannes
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Welcome back Johannes. Keep at it.Isolation is hard on all of us right now so don't be too hard on yourself.
Yes it is important to love ourselves. To realize we are human, flaws and all. And to accept it and try to improve, from a place of love.
Glad to have you back here with us.
Yes it is important to love ourselves. To realize we are human, flaws and all. And to accept it and try to improve, from a place of love.
Glad to have you back here with us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: Spartanburg, South Carolina
Posts: 50
Hello all,
Alas, it's been a while, almost a year since I checked in here--and being away didn't mean I was living the happy, recovered life.......on the contrary......but so I'm trying to come back here, and write write write every day. My best recovery times have always been when I simply wrote, expressed what I was feeling. I am feeling sadness and frustration right now--almost exactly 21 years of recovery, and I'm still freakin' acting out. (Oh, I'm new to this board, so I don't know what's the policy on cursing? I like to curse a lot in my journal...............)
Really important not to believe the liar sounding off in my head who says stuff like, "What recovery, Johannes? Looks like fake recovery to me. You're in a much worse place today than two decades ago. So just accept it and simply give up."
But I'm writing in here, nonetheless (NONETHELESS!!!!).
Alcohol isn't my "drug of choice" (sorry, this is such a horrible phrase)--but for me the scariest story in the AA Big Book is the one about the alcoholic who realized drinking was interfering with his work, so he stopped drinking for decades and had a successful career--and as soon as he retired, he started drinking again, and quickly drank himself to death.
I recently went into semi-retirement, also because I finally want to devote myself to matters I really care about. But, yeah, addictions have a way of conquering my freedom.....................
I'm not going to make any promises (I'm obviously terrible at keeping them), but I hope I'll be back here tomorrow to simply write about my day, my challenges, my fears, my hopes. I am glad this board exists--I apologize for having to be "selfish" for the time being, and basically just focus on my journal here for now.
Let's all recover and heal.
--Johannes
Alas, it's been a while, almost a year since I checked in here--and being away didn't mean I was living the happy, recovered life.......on the contrary......but so I'm trying to come back here, and write write write every day. My best recovery times have always been when I simply wrote, expressed what I was feeling. I am feeling sadness and frustration right now--almost exactly 21 years of recovery, and I'm still freakin' acting out. (Oh, I'm new to this board, so I don't know what's the policy on cursing? I like to curse a lot in my journal...............)
Really important not to believe the liar sounding off in my head who says stuff like, "What recovery, Johannes? Looks like fake recovery to me. You're in a much worse place today than two decades ago. So just accept it and simply give up."
But I'm writing in here, nonetheless (NONETHELESS!!!!).
Alcohol isn't my "drug of choice" (sorry, this is such a horrible phrase)--but for me the scariest story in the AA Big Book is the one about the alcoholic who realized drinking was interfering with his work, so he stopped drinking for decades and had a successful career--and as soon as he retired, he started drinking again, and quickly drank himself to death.
I recently went into semi-retirement, also because I finally want to devote myself to matters I really care about. But, yeah, addictions have a way of conquering my freedom.....................
I'm not going to make any promises (I'm obviously terrible at keeping them), but I hope I'll be back here tomorrow to simply write about my day, my challenges, my fears, my hopes. I am glad this board exists--I apologize for having to be "selfish" for the time being, and basically just focus on my journal here for now.
Let's all recover and heal.
--Johannes
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