Healing (Johannes's recovery journal)
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Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: Spartanburg, South Carolina
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Thank you, Dee and Steely.
I don't know what to write tonight--but I still want to write at least a few words in this journal; when I'm not speaking, expressing myself, then I'm on the way to acting out.
One thing I struggle with right now is how many things I need to change in my life; it can become paralyzing. Let me just mention one thing tonight; a small thing, and what does it have to do recovery? Anyway, I mentioned before I have some physical limitations--okay, who doesn't???--which make my daily life often difficult. The limitations are due to me living with cerebral palsy. So one change I'm trying to make is how I use my left hand for typing. It's really hard to relax my wrist, and let the fingers move over the keyboard. But I'm trying as I'm writing this. If this gets better, I may also be able to play piano again.
Back when I lived in St. Louis, I didn't have internet at home; I just couldn't handle it. I still can't handle it! But I do need it for work, and with COVID, going to coffee shops hasn't really been an option.
Let's all recover and heal,
Johannes
I don't know what to write tonight--but I still want to write at least a few words in this journal; when I'm not speaking, expressing myself, then I'm on the way to acting out.
One thing I struggle with right now is how many things I need to change in my life; it can become paralyzing. Let me just mention one thing tonight; a small thing, and what does it have to do recovery? Anyway, I mentioned before I have some physical limitations--okay, who doesn't???--which make my daily life often difficult. The limitations are due to me living with cerebral palsy. So one change I'm trying to make is how I use my left hand for typing. It's really hard to relax my wrist, and let the fingers move over the keyboard. But I'm trying as I'm writing this. If this gets better, I may also be able to play piano again.
Back when I lived in St. Louis, I didn't have internet at home; I just couldn't handle it. I still can't handle it! But I do need it for work, and with COVID, going to coffee shops hasn't really been an option.
Let's all recover and heal,
Johannes
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Hey Johannes 
I also have CP, but my hands work pretty well.
My limitations are mostly mobility- based. Its really hard for me to walk too far so that kind of exercise is out - but I have a stationary bike I can do 30 mins on.
(I'd love to say I'm motivated to do that daily, but...I'm not)
My point is we all have struggles and we all want to improve. Sometimes that means thinking outside the box.
I put my recovery first tho - I had to be securely sober first. because I put all my other self improvements, dreams and schemes at risk while I was still drinking.
D
I also have CP, but my hands work pretty well.
My limitations are mostly mobility- based. Its really hard for me to walk too far so that kind of exercise is out - but I have a stationary bike I can do 30 mins on.
(I'd love to say I'm motivated to do that daily, but...I'm not)
My point is we all have struggles and we all want to improve. Sometimes that means thinking outside the box.
I put my recovery first tho - I had to be securely sober first. because I put all my other self improvements, dreams and schemes at risk while I was still drinking.
D
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Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
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Glad you're back Johannes. It's so easy to spend excessive time online, or for that matter just glued to the phone or computer these days - there is an endless supply of apps, games, forums, shopping, porn and information sources all vying for our attention and clicks. It is all designed to be extremely addictive, and for those of us with addictive personalities or disorders who are easily distracted, stimulated, compelled, or otherwise sucked down the rabbit hole, I think it is very damaging to our health. Especially those who have quit one addiction like alcohol, and have dopamine receptors looking for a quick fix. Just looking at a screen is known to light up certain receptors in the brain.
As an IT professional who began working with computers in the data center in 1980, and was on the internet by 1985, I never cease to be amazed at the rate of technological change, adoption, and level of integration into the household within a few decades. I myself have 3-5 devices plugged in most days and am very disturbed by the pull it exerts on me, the time I waste, as well as the anxiety I experience when I am out of touch for too long. So yes, based on that definition alone it is another addiction to deal with for some of us. The only solution I can think of, is simply terminating my broadband connections completely, and unplugging from the whole thing. Moderation, as with all addictions, is almost impossible.
As an IT professional who began working with computers in the data center in 1980, and was on the internet by 1985, I never cease to be amazed at the rate of technological change, adoption, and level of integration into the household within a few decades. I myself have 3-5 devices plugged in most days and am very disturbed by the pull it exerts on me, the time I waste, as well as the anxiety I experience when I am out of touch for too long. So yes, based on that definition alone it is another addiction to deal with for some of us. The only solution I can think of, is simply terminating my broadband connections completely, and unplugging from the whole thing. Moderation, as with all addictions, is almost impossible.
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Dee,
I used to have a stationary bike, too--but I somehow managed to destroy the pedaling mechanism....I now do chair cardio and chair yoga.........my mobility used to be fine; sure, strange gait, but no problems getting anywhere. It's in the last 15 years--I'm 55 now--that my walking gradually deteriorated, and I now have to use a walker. I am grateful I can still live independently.
And you know, I find there's a recovery connection: for instance, in chair yoga I'm trying to learn how to move in different ways, instead of falling into the well-worn patterns of CP. Does this make any sense? Just like recovery for me is so much about learning different patterns.......
advbike,
I'm so glad you responded!
Yeah, the task of responsibly living with the internet is freakin' hard for me. I've been trying to work with access filters (but then the addict genius in me learned all about browsers that circumvent filters.......). For a while I used a time filter where I gave my best friend the password, but I then found ways around the filter again. I've now installed the Freedom Filter, which is great--when I use it.
Because that's so hard for me, to experience the world when the computer is turned off--I'll initially feel such dread and loneliness and fear and anxiety, and I don't want to feel that. I think for me, recovery is all about learning how to sit with my feelings.
I use a flip phone instead of a smart phone, so that's helpful.
I'm sorry, this again isn't the kind of detailed journal post I'd want to write. But, at least I'm here.
Let's all recover and heal.
Johannes
I used to have a stationary bike, too--but I somehow managed to destroy the pedaling mechanism....I now do chair cardio and chair yoga.........my mobility used to be fine; sure, strange gait, but no problems getting anywhere. It's in the last 15 years--I'm 55 now--that my walking gradually deteriorated, and I now have to use a walker. I am grateful I can still live independently.
And you know, I find there's a recovery connection: for instance, in chair yoga I'm trying to learn how to move in different ways, instead of falling into the well-worn patterns of CP. Does this make any sense? Just like recovery for me is so much about learning different patterns.......
advbike,
I'm so glad you responded!
Yeah, the task of responsibly living with the internet is freakin' hard for me. I've been trying to work with access filters (but then the addict genius in me learned all about browsers that circumvent filters.......). For a while I used a time filter where I gave my best friend the password, but I then found ways around the filter again. I've now installed the Freedom Filter, which is great--when I use it.
Because that's so hard for me, to experience the world when the computer is turned off--I'll initially feel such dread and loneliness and fear and anxiety, and I don't want to feel that. I think for me, recovery is all about learning how to sit with my feelings.
I use a flip phone instead of a smart phone, so that's helpful.
I'm sorry, this again isn't the kind of detailed journal post I'd want to write. But, at least I'm here.
Let's all recover and heal.
Johannes
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hey Johannes
Yeah I think those ‘well worn patterns’ , the stress and strain on joints and muscles mean a lot of us have greater mobility issues later in life.
I’m ok in the house but I have to use a scooter or powered wheelchair to go anywhere now.
Eh…It is what it is
I shall investigate chair yoga
I think you’re right tying it into recovery too
I had to think about what over ways I could live my life because doing everything drunk or stoned was not working at all.
I wrote over those old neuro pathways eventually - I’m sure you can too
D
Yeah I think those ‘well worn patterns’ , the stress and strain on joints and muscles mean a lot of us have greater mobility issues later in life.
I’m ok in the house but I have to use a scooter or powered wheelchair to go anywhere now.
Eh…It is what it is
I shall investigate chair yoga
I think you’re right tying it into recovery too
I had to think about what over ways I could live my life because doing everything drunk or stoned was not working at all.
I wrote over those old neuro pathways eventually - I’m sure you can too
D
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Dee,
I think there's another analogy: overwriting those neuro pathways, something to do both in improving CP and overcoming addiction.......one thing I find fascinating about CP is that in theory I should be able to do everything in a "normal" way--it's not that anything is "mechanically" broken; it's all in the brain, as it were......
"Progress not perfection." I'm not really a 12 stepper, but I love the slogans! Like, "Addiction is the only disease that tries to tell you you're not ill."
I'm doing......okay? Trying addiction bundling, so to speak: while the sex/porn addiction has wrought huge emotional and financial havoc in my life, these days, that form of acting out really only happens when I'm already well down the road of screen addiction. A few years back, my therapist and I rewrote the first three steps:
1. Admitted I am powerless over my screen addiction.
2. Becoming aware of the sacred unity of my mind and body can restore me to sanity.
3. I am making a decision to embrace the sacred unity of my mind and body.
I gotta say, I used to think, sex/porn addiction is like the greatest challenge in my life--it's easy compared to the screen addiction..............
Here's where I am: I've blocked basically everything on my computer except for work e-mail, personal e-mail (I got a new account because blocking search engines also means blocking my usual personal e-mail [which I just noticed gets censured by the discussion board], and a few other things like this board. Because I'm an addict, I can't just happily spend a few minutes on youtube; after like two minutes, the compulsivity sets in. No Netflix. I even cancelled my PeacockTV account (which I had to follow Premier League soccer! I know my team can win even when I'm not following them live!!!!!)
But this freakin' cold turkey approach is hard!!! There's this despair rising, especially in the evening, when all my screen escapes are blocked. I'll frantically go online and like search for streaming TV services I haven't blocked yet. But I need to accept I need to live a life away from the screen.
Day counting is confusing with screen addiction. The past few days were certainly better (and today can be even better after blocking some more sites!!!!)
Ah, yes, you ask, "But what are you going to do instead? White knuckling doesn't really work in the long run." I'll try to answer that question tonight!!!!
Let's all recover and heal.
Johannes
I think there's another analogy: overwriting those neuro pathways, something to do both in improving CP and overcoming addiction.......one thing I find fascinating about CP is that in theory I should be able to do everything in a "normal" way--it's not that anything is "mechanically" broken; it's all in the brain, as it were......
"Progress not perfection." I'm not really a 12 stepper, but I love the slogans! Like, "Addiction is the only disease that tries to tell you you're not ill."
I'm doing......okay? Trying addiction bundling, so to speak: while the sex/porn addiction has wrought huge emotional and financial havoc in my life, these days, that form of acting out really only happens when I'm already well down the road of screen addiction. A few years back, my therapist and I rewrote the first three steps:
1. Admitted I am powerless over my screen addiction.
2. Becoming aware of the sacred unity of my mind and body can restore me to sanity.
3. I am making a decision to embrace the sacred unity of my mind and body.
I gotta say, I used to think, sex/porn addiction is like the greatest challenge in my life--it's easy compared to the screen addiction..............
Here's where I am: I've blocked basically everything on my computer except for work e-mail, personal e-mail (I got a new account because blocking search engines also means blocking my usual personal e-mail [which I just noticed gets censured by the discussion board
], and a few other things like this board. Because I'm an addict, I can't just happily spend a few minutes on youtube; after like two minutes, the compulsivity sets in. No Netflix. I even cancelled my PeacockTV account (which I had to follow Premier League soccer! I know my team can win even when I'm not following them live!!!!!)But this freakin' cold turkey approach is hard!!! There's this despair rising, especially in the evening, when all my screen escapes are blocked. I'll frantically go online and like search for streaming TV services I haven't blocked yet. But I need to accept I need to live a life away from the screen.
Day counting is confusing with screen addiction. The past few days were certainly better (and today can be even better after blocking some more sites!!!!
)Ah, yes, you ask, "But what are you going to do instead? White knuckling doesn't really work in the long run." I'll try to answer that question tonight!!!!
Let's all recover and heal.
Johannes
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Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: Spartanburg, South Carolina
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Alright. Writing in again tonight--and I'm actually trying to work my way into a ritual, where posting here is the last thing I do before turning off the computer for the day.
It's been a good day, and I spent lots of time away from the computer. But the challenge is to leave the screen now. It's almost 9pm. When in acting-out mode, I'd often stay glued to the computer until 3am. Not tonight.
Let's all recover and heal.
--Johannes
It's been a good day, and I spent lots of time away from the computer. But the challenge is to leave the screen now. It's almost 9pm. When in acting-out mode, I'd often stay glued to the computer until 3am. Not tonight.
Let's all recover and heal.
--Johannes
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Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: Spartanburg, South Carolina
Posts: 50
Continuing the ritual: will turn off the computer after this post.
The last 24 hours were hard. I wasn't able to fall asleep last night (I do think this is a withdrawal symptom), and so today was rather out of whack.
And sobriety from screen addiction is freakin' hard--but like last night, I'm pushing myself into it. No youtube, no Netflix, no nothing, no online games (okay, except Wordle....), no nothing. And I'm also putting time blockers in place--I only have internet access between 1pm and like 8pm. Ideally, I'm working toward access between 1:30pm and 6:30pm. I'll set the parameters like that for tomorrow. This means planning to write in here around 6pm tomorrow.
Day 2.
Let's all recover and heal.
--Johannes
The last 24 hours were hard. I wasn't able to fall asleep last night (I do think this is a withdrawal symptom), and so today was rather out of whack.
And sobriety from screen addiction is freakin' hard--but like last night, I'm pushing myself into it. No youtube, no Netflix, no nothing, no online games (okay, except Wordle....
), no nothing. And I'm also putting time blockers in place--I only have internet access between 1pm and like 8pm. Ideally, I'm working toward access between 1:30pm and 6:30pm. I'll set the parameters like that for tomorrow. This means planning to write in here around 6pm tomorrow.Day 2.
Let's all recover and heal.
--Johannes
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 725
Originally Posted by Juve 
Continuing the ritual: will turn off the computer after this post.
The last 24 hours were hard. I wasn't able to fall asleep last night (I do think this is a withdrawal symptom), and so today was rather out of whack.
And sobriety from screen addiction is freakin' hard--but like last night, I'm pushing myself into it. No youtube, no Netflix, no nothing, no online games (okay, except Wordle....), no nothing. And I'm also putting time blockers in place--I only have internet access between 1pm and like 8pm. Ideally, I'm working toward access between 1:30pm and 6:30pm. I'll set the parameters like that for tomorrow. This means planning to write in here around 6pm tomorrow.
Day 2.
Let's all recover and heal.
--Johannes
The last 24 hours were hard. I wasn't able to fall asleep last night (I do think this is a withdrawal symptom), and so today was rather out of whack.
And sobriety from screen addiction is freakin' hard--but like last night, I'm pushing myself into it. No youtube, no Netflix, no nothing, no online games (okay, except Wordle....
), no nothing. And I'm also putting time blockers in place--I only have internet access between 1pm and like 8pm. Ideally, I'm working toward access between 1:30pm and 6:30pm. I'll set the parameters like that for tomorrow. This means planning to write in here around 6pm tomorrow.Day 2.
Let's all recover and heal.
--Johannes
hey johannes, congrats on your progress.
You are taking on a demon I have not been able to face properly, myself. I am nearly one year sober from alcohol. My primary DOC. But I have also had signficant issues with the online world - mostly with gaming/online gambling . I went back to my gaming addiction a few months back - in a weak moment when I was off work w burnout & nothing to do, after being clean from it all for many months. (I tried to quit both alcohol and online ******** show at same time)
The main game I play is the worst of all possible worlds for me. Not only does it feed my addict brain and eat my time until I am almost on there 24/7 - but it is also “pay to win”. So I am knowingly walking towards train wreck.
I have managed to “contain” it so far in that I am not playing the way I used to and am actively trying to exit & sell my account again.but I am under no delusions about gaming “moderation”
drinkign w knowledge is ****. So is gaming/screening with knowledge, huh?
I wish you all the best on your journey and appreciate you sharing your journal.
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Tanky,
Thank you so much for stopping by--that means a lot to me. And yes, I totally get what you wrote about the internet insanity. The ONLY way for me to avoid the 24/7 online meltdown is putting in time and content filters. I'm happy to advise on what filters have worked for me (as I'm also an expert on trying to get around filters...)
If I may ask: could you block the gaming/gambling sites you've been going to?
So......astonishingly good day here!! I did want to write more about it, but I'm coming up against my 6:30pm internet limit.....in brief, despite still not sleeping well, I mindfully moved through my day, doing all the things I set out to do. Having internet access blocked until 1:30pm is terrific. And yeah, once I got online, I had to be careful to stay focused. But I somehow managed and got all the work done I needed to.
I'll write more tomorrow.
Day 3
Let's all recover and heal.
Johannes
Thank you so much for stopping by--that means a lot to me. And yes, I totally get what you wrote about the internet insanity. The ONLY way for me to avoid the 24/7 online meltdown is putting in time and content filters. I'm happy to advise on what filters have worked for me (as I'm also an expert on trying to get around filters...)
If I may ask: could you block the gaming/gambling sites you've been going to?
So......astonishingly good day here!! I did want to write more about it, but I'm coming up against my 6:30pm internet limit.....in brief, despite still not sleeping well, I mindfully moved through my day, doing all the things I set out to do. Having internet access blocked until 1:30pm is terrific. And yeah, once I got online, I had to be careful to stay focused. But I somehow managed and got all the work done I needed to.
I'll write more tomorrow.
Day 3
Let's all recover and heal.
Johannes
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Location: Spartanburg, South Carolina
Posts: 50
Anna,
Thank you so much for your supportive words--they're helping me with my determination today. It's been a paradoxical day--I started really well (also having slept better), did lots of good and healthy things (for instance, now without the internet beast I actually do stuff like working out in the morning), but now, late afternoon, I'm noticing the clear temptation to change my filter settings and stay online beyond 6:30pm. I can tell with absolute clarity, if I did that, all hell would break loose again--I'd forget about this support board, about all the goodness of the past week, and act out ferociously. And there wouldn't be any guarantee I'd return to recovery.
So.............I'm not doing that. And damn, this is hard, because all the addict voices inside me are now piping up, reminding me how awesome it is to act out. And yeah, this would end up in sexual acting out (which so quickly happens after a few hours of general internet surfing.)
I'm acknowledging the voices. And calmly setting them aside. I'll now finish this note, and swiftly stop by the February class.
Day 4.
Let's all recover and heal.
--Johannes
Thank you so much for your supportive words--they're helping me with my determination today. It's been a paradoxical day--I started really well (also having slept better), did lots of good and healthy things (for instance, now without the internet beast I actually do stuff like working out in the morning), but now, late afternoon, I'm noticing the clear temptation to change my filter settings and stay online beyond 6:30pm. I can tell with absolute clarity, if I did that, all hell would break loose again--I'd forget about this support board, about all the goodness of the past week, and act out ferociously. And there wouldn't be any guarantee I'd return to recovery.
So.............I'm not doing that. And damn, this is hard, because all the addict voices inside me are now piping up, reminding me how awesome it is to act out. And yeah, this would end up in sexual acting out (which so quickly happens after a few hours of general internet surfing.)
I'm acknowledging the voices. And calmly setting them aside. I'll now finish this note, and swiftly stop by the February class.
Day 4.
Let's all recover and heal.
--Johannes
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Johannes, good for you for acknowledging the voice and calmly setting it aside. That's how you get through this. I think that trying to ignore the voice can backfire into thinking about it more. Acknowledging it and letting it go is great.
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Anna and advbike,
I'm so grateful for your responses; they help so much. I'm writing in later than usual, meaning, I messed up today--I'm too tired right now to deeply explore what happened. Let me just say, after a good morning and afternoon, I found myself emotionally overwhelmed a bit later, and that led me to breaking both my internet rules and also looking at porn and a phone sex site. For several hours tonight, I was back in compulsive mode.
'm promising right now I won't just vanish, but will write in tomorrow with more reflection on what happened and how I can improve my recovery work.
Let's all recover and heal.
Johannes
I'm so grateful for your responses; they help so much. I'm writing in later than usual, meaning, I messed up today--I'm too tired right now to deeply explore what happened. Let me just say, after a good morning and afternoon, I found myself emotionally overwhelmed a bit later, and that led me to breaking both my internet rules and also looking at porn and a phone sex site. For several hours tonight, I was back in compulsive mode.
'm promising right now I won't just vanish, but will write in tomorrow with more reflection on what happened and how I can improve my recovery work.
Let's all recover and heal.
Johannes
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I promised to write today. I remember someone once saying at a 12-step meeting (SLAA), "I had a relapse and that simply means there's still more for me to learn in recovery."
I'm still wobbly today and really don't want to reflect. See, I was doing so well the past few days because I'd accepted the boundaries, and have also been accepting that I am alone. I can arrange my life around solitude. But yesterday I received e-mails from people I care about, and that opened up again my feelings of loneliness. Am I making any sense? I can arrange my life, but then can get thrown off when those suppressed emotions surface again.
**** it, to be more concrete, I think I was triggered by getting e-mails from J and S. J was my best friend in high school; we're still very close. And--soap opera alert!!!--S is his wife, and also, ahem, the love of my life-I initially introduced them to each other..........for many years, S and I weren't in touch, but for a few years now, we've been writing each other again. So....................this is emotionally fraught for me.............and I need better ******* boundaries if I want to keep in touch with her.
Then of course, when the addiction wheels were set in motion, everything just collapses, and I'm back in this whirlpool of insanity.
So that's where I am right now. I'm planning to write in again later tonight.
Let's all recover and heal.
Johannes
I'm still wobbly today and really don't want to reflect. See, I was doing so well the past few days because I'd accepted the boundaries, and have also been accepting that I am alone. I can arrange my life around solitude. But yesterday I received e-mails from people I care about, and that opened up again my feelings of loneliness. Am I making any sense? I can arrange my life, but then can get thrown off when those suppressed emotions surface again.
**** it, to be more concrete, I think I was triggered by getting e-mails from J and S. J was my best friend in high school; we're still very close. And--soap opera alert!!!--S is his wife, and also, ahem, the love of my life-I initially introduced them to each other..........for many years, S and I weren't in touch, but for a few years now, we've been writing each other again. So....................this is emotionally fraught for me.............and I need better ******* boundaries if I want to keep in touch with her.
Then of course, when the addiction wheels were set in motion, everything just collapses, and I'm back in this whirlpool of insanity.
So that's where I am right now. I'm planning to write in again later tonight.
Let's all recover and heal.
Johannes
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