A letter to my anxiety re: timeshare opportunity
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A letter to my anxiety re: timeshare opportunity
Dearest anxiety,
Thankyou for the incredible work you have done over so many years to keep me safe.
Thanks for always being aware of my triggers before I was, thanks for the raw realness of panic attacks, thanks for the comforting weight of a thousand vipers inside to lovingly caress lonely organs and keep my heart honest, thanks for the awareness of my inability to breathe without your prompting, for teaching me about the dangers of my own skin, for the gritty grounding vomiting in the office toilets , the shaking, the twitching , for the clearing of the mind of unnecessary rational thoughts, for the inability to concentrate or focus on anything but your beautiful self, for the motivation to exercise- hard and fast, for the awesome total crowding out of depression when you were at your strongest, or that moment of switch-flipping for adventures in psychosis, for the thousands upon thousands of drinks we’ve shared, for the indescribable relief of self-harm that you showed me, for the incredibly safe distance you put between me and other humans who may wish to harm me, or well, you know, speak to me.
You did great. really. But here’s the thing. I think I got this , now. I can actually face this world more. I know you don’t believe me, yet. Because, well trauma, right? And well, what’s with this not self-medicating thing, right? But I think I actually can.
So if it’s okay with you, let’s do a deal. You can maybe visit every other weekend? Holidays? look after your side of the street for awhile in between? You can hang out with our buddy alcohol. He’s right over there. I think he wants to party with you. Just that I have some different plans for today, for this hour , okay?
So I will let you do your thing. Don’t feel you need to be here all day for me like before. Because I know how busy you are. We can share the load. Let me and my HP have a turn . sure we may not be the best drivers yet, but we are learning .
And then I promise I will let go, let you lead when you come back. I won’t resist. I won’t even question you. I will trust your instincts, heed your warnings. Because I think I am beginning to understand that I cannot truly break anymore. The atoms can’t be split. I won’t die on your operating table. I think I maybe know that for first time.
So Thankyou, anxiety. Really.
Thankyou for the incredible work you have done over so many years to keep me safe.
Thanks for always being aware of my triggers before I was, thanks for the raw realness of panic attacks, thanks for the comforting weight of a thousand vipers inside to lovingly caress lonely organs and keep my heart honest, thanks for the awareness of my inability to breathe without your prompting, for teaching me about the dangers of my own skin, for the gritty grounding vomiting in the office toilets , the shaking, the twitching , for the clearing of the mind of unnecessary rational thoughts, for the inability to concentrate or focus on anything but your beautiful self, for the motivation to exercise- hard and fast, for the awesome total crowding out of depression when you were at your strongest, or that moment of switch-flipping for adventures in psychosis, for the thousands upon thousands of drinks we’ve shared, for the indescribable relief of self-harm that you showed me, for the incredibly safe distance you put between me and other humans who may wish to harm me, or well, you know, speak to me.
You did great. really. But here’s the thing. I think I got this , now. I can actually face this world more. I know you don’t believe me, yet. Because, well trauma, right? And well, what’s with this not self-medicating thing, right? But I think I actually can.
So if it’s okay with you, let’s do a deal. You can maybe visit every other weekend? Holidays? look after your side of the street for awhile in between? You can hang out with our buddy alcohol. He’s right over there. I think he wants to party with you. Just that I have some different plans for today, for this hour , okay?
So I will let you do your thing. Don’t feel you need to be here all day for me like before. Because I know how busy you are. We can share the load. Let me and my HP have a turn . sure we may not be the best drivers yet, but we are learning .
And then I promise I will let go, let you lead when you come back. I won’t resist. I won’t even question you. I will trust your instincts, heed your warnings. Because I think I am beginning to understand that I cannot truly break anymore. The atoms can’t be split. I won’t die on your operating table. I think I maybe know that for first time.
So Thankyou, anxiety. Really.
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