Aellyce

I considered posting while it was happening, but the whole experience was so weird and disturbing, I just focused on using any method I'd learned to handle a strong urge, just wanted it to be over, and then didn't want to analyze or discuss it any further yesterday.

The story: I have not had strong drinking urges for several weeks before yesterday, but this was actually quite predictable, for those who believe in triggers at least. I wrote on my old thread about how a job (which is a good job but no longer satisfying) I am currently wrapping up can be triggering and that I am very happy about having made a(n overdue) decision to finally quit in March. I think I also mentioned that many of my triggers tend to be positive momentary experiences. I've kept an "urge log" (a tool I picked up from the SMART program) ever since I quit drinking last November and this trend is very abundant looking at it, which is very helpful to see because you can make predictions and prepare for challenges better, plus it can be a good distraction just writing it down and analyzing while craving.

So I had a combination of two of my strongest known triggers yesterday morning: was giving my last big presentation online to a large audience of my colleagues - this is a recurring meeting and progress reports for all of us, but I was asked to do a larger overview of my career and especially last ~10 years of work, discussed accomplishments, challenges, what I've learned from all this, with lots of reflection. I found it stressful to prepare for it last week but really enjoyed the final result, doing the presentation and the feedback. Lots of positive feedback and appreciation for my professional accomplishments and risk-taking tendencies, having the interests, courage and determination to explore areas where many others would not venture. I have not told this audience much of the "dark side" of some of the same drives (fearlessness when it comes to pushing many limits) that led me personally onto the destructive path of addiction, but this audience is familiar with that at least conceptually, since a lot of them were my colleagues from the addiction research I have been doing for many years. Anyhow, it went very well and I felt amazing afterward. Also very relieved because it was a milestone leading up to closing this phase of my career.

Then what happens? Surprise surprise? I got a craving for alcohol pretty soon after I was offline from Zoom. At first it wasn't very strong and I didn't worry about it, just recorded it in my urge log as usually. But then it didn't go away in seconds or minutes like all of my other cravings in the past month, just became stronger with more disturbing thoughts and motivations. Luckily I've learned enough in my last >2 months of sobriety to apply great tools on the craving, but nothing seemed to work as well as they often do. I was pretty much transported back into that really weird "Mr Hyde" state (for those who are familiar with The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde), which has faded considerably in my mind already as I have not experienced it for a while until yesterday... Well, it hit me in its full glory for an hour or so, with the exact same desires, thoughts, starting to calculate how I could get away with getting drunk and lying again. Then it turned into that strange but familiar autopilot action as well. We had the biggest snow storm where I live in years (that's probably another trigger as I would usually enjoy being locked in and drinking during them). I dressed up and went out with a mixed but very clear intention to do some grocery shopping and also visit the liquor store. Who the heck goes even grocery shopping in the middle of a storm when they don't have to? It more felt like a huge battle though though in my mind than the blind autopilot I usually experienced while drinking, I think because I've grown those "recovery muscles" quite a bit in the past two months and they were fighting the AV. Before, there wasn't much that even wanted to fight it in those moments. "I want to get my vodka, no one will know if I get wasted just for that day vs. the rational side suggesting I would get back straight to where I was for so many years with that move."

The most disturbing part for me was a feeling of how weak the rational, healthy "voice" got in those moments compared with how strongly I normally experience it now (with integrity, not fragmented like yesterday) after all the recovery work, including as I type this. I literally walked back and forth several times between the liquor store and my home in the snowfall with this gigantic split and fight in my mind, while very few others were out. It really felt like a very fine line of a decision when I finally turned home and got into the elevator. The good thing was that the craving faded pretty fast once I was inside, all warm and cozy, especially after eating a good and enjoyable meal. Then were the moments I considered posting this here, and wanted to get to a meeting but there was none right then in the programs I mostly use. So I started looking up AA that I don't do these days but then felt very good and what I said above, that I didn't want to spend more thought on listening to addiction stories and/or discussing my craving more. I think I should have done that though before I got out and experienced that very disturbing, very dangerous state walking in circles like some restless animal. This is banality and I know it very well rationally, but still have a hard time reaching out to others in the middle of such a chaotic mental state when I am sober. The good thing is that SMART has taught me many great tools to handle the urges on my own as well, and I think that (plus those new mental "sober muscles") saved me yesterday. Still think using social support better would only strengthen what I've achieved and probably further help prevent similar dangerous situations in the future. I am posting this to hopefully create a desire to reach out more in the future, as writing things down helps me more than just thinking or mentally deciding. Also hope that sharing this story helps someone else as we all experience these crazy mental states, I believe.

Now to the upside: since this work presentation is over now, one big stress is off my shoulders. There will be a few more steps until March arrives but I've also learned some good lessons yesterday. I do understand better now, from first hand experience, why many suggest not to take on big challenges and life changes in early sobriety... but I can't turn this back now and would not want to. I really enjoy the challenge, find it exciting and rewarding. Well, except when Mr Hyde, the AV, or whatever we call it, gets into the driver's seat for an hour that feels like an eternity - certainly hope it wont happen too frequently again. I am in a great mood today and very excited about all of my good perspectives and plans. Plus getting the second dose of the COVID vaccine this weekend, which I also wanted very much since last fall, plus will be done with all the medical appointments I needed by the end of this month (assuming everything goes as planned) - so lots of progress within a short time frame. It would also be progress if I learned how to write shorter posts here, but for now I just do what helps me the best

Hawkeye13

Well done avoiding strong temptation and a terrific share for all of us. I go to my farm alone quite often, and have the exact same urges when the weather is bad. You used your tools, and it works. . .

DriGuy

I never thought about my healthy voice. It's always been my alcoholic voice that I've watched for, but now that you bring that up, I do have a healthy voice. I just haven't focused on it much. Well, no that's not true either. I focus on it so much that it just seems normal... I think... Maybe... I think...

OK so I'm not sure, but one thing I am sure about is that we need to keep that healthy voice right in front of us all the time, so when the AV shows up we can jump on it as soon as it surfaces.

Surrendered19

Thanks for sharing that Aellyce. The part about positive triggers really resonates with me. As I feel better all the time, good things have begun to happen in my life and - without fail - drinking to celebrate enters my mind. Every single time. I loved your post.

Vincent484

Great job avoiding the temptation. I seem to get it every two or three weeks. I try to identify it as my mind being temporarily broken and not to listen to it until it fixes itself overnight.

Anna

You did great, Aellyce, and it sounds like you learned more about yourself. Good job!

Dee74

I am really glad you got through that Aellyce

D

BeABetterMan

Thanks for this post. I too go long periods where cravings are not there at all
or easily dispatched. Recently I’ve been indulging in the fantasy more. “How could I get away with a three day bender?” “Could I manage it, could I accomplish it with impunity?”

It is so discouraging when I find myself indulging it that type of fantasy. I haven’t been able to attend as many meetings because my new life is much more demanding as it relates to time and I’m really feeling it.

I’m glad you survived that brush with calamity. May we all be so fortunate and may we all have enough deposited into our sober banks that we can make withdrawals to cover our asses in times like these.

biminiblue

yep, only thing that matters is you didn't take a drink.

All the rest of it is just the million-MPH-early-sobriety-brain-gyrations.

It gets pretty animated sometimes.

Aellyce

Thanks everyone! We share a lot of the challenges in early recovery but I also find it interesting how different people sometimes have different struggles that keep coming up intensely early on. I see this probably the most clearly in the recovery meetings I attend, what people share and discuss, especially regular members whose evolution I can kinda follow. For example, many talk at length, deeply and repeatedly about the emotional rollercoaster and self-esteem issues they go through - that's something I have not really experienced so far. And some people say their cravings subsided to almost none very quickly, or even completely disappeared when they started working a program. I used to hear that with a lot of skepticism as I can't imagine how that can happen, given my experiences with cravings.... I personally was always pretty good at managing negative emotions such as sadness, anxiety, anger etc, often even while I was drinking, but totally clueless and seemingly powerless over these monster cravings I tend to get sometimes (thankfully not often now). When I talk at meetings about my challenges and progress, naturally it also tends to relate to the urges one way or another - everything else feels relatively easy for me to go through in comparison. The good thing is the reinforcement coming from getting through these craving episodes is also very powerful for me, very rewarding and inspiring. I imagine it's similar for everyone, whatever our biggest barriers tend to be to staying sober initially, and a good sign that what we do is working is this motivational boost. I love this part of early recovery, it's so much more rewarding than getting drunk could have been!

Obladi

*phew*

I sure am glad you got through that, Aellyce. That physical manifestation of ambivalence - back and forth between the liquor store and home - is a spot on description of the battle that can rage in my brain.

I get the snow part. Thankfully, I really haven't had any significant cravings during this storm, but I get it. Do you have any idea why positive experiences are triggering for you? I know the CBT approach is to understand the "what" and be prepared with responses to that "what," and if that suffices, then by all means leave it at that! But for me, understanding the underlying "why" has been a great help in keeping me two steps away from craving.

But really, mostly, I just wanted to say bully for you!
You rocked it.

O

Steely

I was so pleased to reach the end of your post to see such positive outcome Aellyce. You made it through the fire unscathed. Beautifully sober.

Can remember pacing like a caged tiger outside the liquor store many times. It's an awful feeling, but you made it out to freedom, and I'm so happy for you. You won. Defeated the AV. A miserable beast once disarmed.

I too liked reference to "healthy voice", and tend to ignore that part of myself as well. In truth it's the very part we should be encouraging and nurturing. Shifting further from self destruction. Self care instead. Unfamiliar to me, but I'm learning and it feels good.

You did it Aellyce. Well done.

D122y

You are amazing and I am honored to be in recovery with you.

I am sort of weird to feel like that.....?

Love love love.

Thanks.

Suzieq17

I’m so glad you didn’t drink. Your story resonates with me and I understand it so well. I’m glad you shared it with us. Thank you!

Aellyce

I find the comments contemplating the "healthy voice" interesting. I think all of us into recovery have a "healthy voice", even if its successes do not come easily, or it is not trusted so much... I wonder why some people in good recovery feel they are not in touch with it, or not enough? Maybe it depends how we define it and perhaps also depends on how we have experienced this voice throughout our lives. For example, I guess if people grew up and lived a large portion of their lives in oppressive conditions, that healthy voice could become quite suppressed or even associated with lack of trust in one's own good desires and abilities (sometimes even with a lack of sense of self or a form of internal emptiness filling its space). I think I am lucky for not having that sort background, but know from my studies and relationships with other people what negative interference with one's good aspirations can cause. Many psychologists even think this (e.g. early life trauma, abuse etc) is often the direct cause of later addictions, and I believe that myself very much as major causes for many people. But I also think not everyone fits in this theory - addiction, even our sense of self and inner structures are way too complex to be described well using some simple binary concept. Sobriety is binary, but the human psyche and brain is far from it. IMO, the latter is also why recovery is so challenging - we aim for a simple switch but the mechanics of the switch are extremely complex, with lots of individual variation. Surprise it's hard? Of course not.

On the question about why a lot of my personal triggers are positive experiences. I definitely find it helpful to think about this, and can think about it from a variety of perspectives, using different types of reasoning, concepts etc. I would say the simplest and most likely explanation is that it's not different from any other type of trigger, just relates to individual conditioning for me and every person. What life situations, conditions, emotions, motives etc invoked the desire to drink repeatedly historically, in the long run. I rarely drank to ease emotional or physical pain, much more often when I already felt good, in the company of people I liked (including very often virtually, when the others didn't even know I was drinking), after events that felt kinda dull and I desired more excitement. Or even around already exciting situations - just no sense of limits, wanted more and more, until blackout. This can also explain why I was mostly a binge drinker who would get really wasted, until passing out - there was no upper limit to my consciousness, only loss of consciousness. Many other alcoholics develop a style where they don't even like getting wasted and use it more as some kind of maintenance to be less anxious, less inhibited around others/braver, what we often describe as "self-medication". I've heard from many of these folks that they straight disliked being very drunk, where their reality became very distorted. Not me, I enjoyed the altered reality part the most! I feel this is a bit different from simply just celebrating as celebrating has a meaning of desiring validation or acknowledgement in some form. I actually never cared much about celebrating things, it's more that I just want more and more and more or things that I enjoy, including mental states.

I also often drank as an escape from unwanted, boring normal tasks and even complex but unappealing situations I had to deal with, because the intoxication created a momentarily more interesting state, more stimulation, also loss of normal morals so I could procrastinate more easily (against my goals and morals) and get even crazier, experiences more extreme thoughts, feelings, interactions. I definitely didn't drink to numb out, my most appealing memories of alcohol intoxication are also those with the "highest highs", the manic kind of states, not sedation. Sedation only interested me when it meant checking out of reality to dive more into my own mind, into wilder ideas and speculations, more stimulating interactions with others (at last feeling they were that way). I could continue, but guess it's pretty clear already - it was primarily seeking mental stimulation and excitement without the normal inhibitions, even extremes. I also always liked the stimulant other kinds of drugs the best, not sedatives and have a tendency to seek mentally stimulating environments, human company, any experience really. Guess I'm lucky I never got into some of the very dangerous stimulant drugs more that can kill people with a single dose via a heart attack, or cause rapid deterioration... alcohol was bad enough already. I think I even like challenge and stressful situations in a way because I can handle them as new, interesting problems to be solved, situations to try myself in different ways, see what could be even better.

Perhaps those of you who liked to drink because it alleviated some kind of pain created similar mental associations and cues that might have become triggers via your own kind of choices, history and conditioning. I can easily see why the negative feeling triggers may be more common - it's normal that we don't like and avoid pain and too excessive stress, and many people often didn't have choices, especially early in life.

For me, need to learn to recognize and handle normal, realistic limitations better, both my own internal ones and outside ones. Learn what is enough and how to appreciate living with fewer thrills, at least be able to say 'no' to things that are harmful, either for me or for others I engage. Fortunately, I strongly feel that aging and maturation play to my advantage here - the desire for all of those things (and novelty) is definitely not as high as when I was younger.

I can also speculate about some other, more "psychoanalytical" reasons behind the positive feedback and experience triggers, but will save you guys from those, they wouldn't even be very useful for others because they are just related to my experiences and history (and so need a lot of context to make sense). I like the above about conditioning better anyway, it's also something relatively easy to work with in recovery, even while developing new interests, engagements and habits. Building new conditioning is always possible, the important thing is to use the "healthy voice" for it as incentive, not the AV

Obladi

Interesting.

Understanding that I have simply been conditioned (conditioned myself) was certainly helpful.
The natural conclusion is to change the conditioning, as you say.
But it didn't really help me much to know that.

People are so intriguing.

What's important is that it sounds like you're not likely to drink today and I never drink now.

Yay,us!

Aellyce

It didn't help you to know that perhaps you deliberately and habitually responded to feelings or experiences in a way that was not good for you and it is possible to change those responses with more attention and discipline? For me, this helps a lot and I actually enjoy experimenting with new responses - see which ones satisfy me and are healthy at the same time. Then develop routines from the ones that work. I even enjoy the challenge in dealing with some stubborn things, where I struggle with getting into some actions and routines - what method would work better to motivate and engage myself? It's like tinkering with different experimental protocols, but perhaps that's only exciting for a scientist who likes experiments by default

Another reason I like the SMART program is because it has already established methods to do what I am saying above, in its "lifestyle" domain. It's basically CBT-type stuff and I find that much more helpful and a good fit now than complicated analyses (which I can do anytime, but does it help me?).

I agree, the important thing is that none of us will drink, however that is achieved for each of us.

BTW, I had a very weak, short craving today again while I was sitting in the dentist's chair, but I already analyzed the dentist phenomenon on another thread before. It's a plus that I like my dentist and enjoy interacting with him now as it does not induce intense alcohol cravings, like it did in the past. I've had a few appointments since an intense episode and never drank. Like many people, I find that the more I go through previously triggering experiences sober the more those mental associations and cravings weaken (if we want another behaviorist term, it's a sort of "extinction training"). This is part of the reason I was excited yesterday while reflecting on Monday - I think next time I won't have to go through the same mental torture, or probably much milder, as I am getting closer to the end of that job. I really believe these things are part of the reason so many in recovery say the first sober year is critical, because after a year, we must have been through many of our triggers several times, or at least once.

Steely

I dunno. I drank to get wasted. I got sober to be useful. And the more useful I became to self and others, the better I felt about myself. And my healthy voice began to speak, not in the roar of a lion, but the hoot of an owl.

Bespoke, spoke.

We gain, regain, our own voice in sobriety. Practice, learning.

Obladi

Nope, not one whit.
Not until I was able to start healing that central thing within me that was cracked.

The answer is the same for each of us, but I guess some of us start with an abacus and others with a calculator.

Aellyce

Speaking of my positive triggers to induce cravings of various intensity, another good example was when I was walking back home last Saturday after my second COVID vaccine shot on a beautiful sunny morning, in a great mood. Again, very predictable for me that my mind briefly went to thoughts of drinking while feeling so great. That was very mild and brief though, it literally only lasted a few seconds, like most of my urges do these days. I believe a lot of this easing up happens now because most of the situations, feelings or whatever serve as triggers are no longer conditioned ones, just a variety of new good experiences. They do not put me anywhere close to a relapse. For example, the excited, happy, peaceful state of mind after my shot - I never experienced similar before when I acted on it with drinking (e.g. didn't drink after my first dose). I think this is a big difference between what I described in the OP here, where a combination of old, ingrained experiences led to that monster urge, which was quite disturbing and uncomfortable.

Speaking of the effects of the COVID vaccine - another interesting state was yesterday, when I was experiencing side effects from the shot. I first thought it was ~over in the morning, but then felt really pooped out after doing a simple task like laundry, and decided to take a nap. Woke up drenched in cold sweat and my body just welt meh - my mind of course went immediately to the countless memories of similar on withdrawal days... It made experiencing the vaccine side effects both a bit more uncomfortable (mentally) and kinda cool, because I knew the withdrawal is only a fading memory now, and the current sweat was a sign of a positive, much-wanted physiological reaction. It was also nowhere near as uncomfortable as an alcohol hangover or withdrawal. No desire for a drink whatsoever and, after a good night's sleep, now I really feel great and even look forward to the recurring Monday work meeting that triggered so many cravings in the past (including the one in the OP), with the anticipation that it won't happen this time

I personally don't feel like there is anything else troubled and needing to be healed inside, just continue having new experiences and facing my old triggers sober - it'll weaken those associations more and more. But I know it's me, not speaking for anyone else.