Hello. New here. Closet alcoholic coming out.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,164
Originally Posted by SeaBreezess 
So here I am. Trying to connect with others, since I truly feel alone.
As a side note, SeaBreezess:
You said that your drinking began while boating. For what it's worth, maybe nothing at all, I know about boating, I know about drinking, and I know about putting boating and drinking together. We know we shouldn't because boaters are told not to drink and boat for safety reasons, but we remind ourselves to be careful when we drink on the boat, as if that solves everything. When I quit drinking, however, it had little to do with safety. I just could not take it anymore, somewhat like where you are at now.
I have owned 6 sailboats in my life, each one getting bigger in increments, or sometimes by leaps and bounds, until the last one was the biggest I decided I could single hand. That was a 42 footer that I sailed by myself from California to Mexico, to Hawaii, to Alaska, to Seattle over a three year period. It was certainly my biggest adventure and a dream since I was a teenager, and I finally got the sailing bug out of my system. And I have nothing but fond memories of starry skies, whales, friendly ports, and quiet anchorages. Incidentally, I had quit drinking before that last boat. I never would have attempted the journey if I was drinking. Good things certainly can happen after you quit.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Welcome SeaBreezes, you are among friends here.
Many, if not most of us have fear and anxiety issues, often mixed in with other stuff, like OCD in my case. We turned to alcohol in order to self-soothe, and it is very effective at first, as you have discovered. For those of us who drank for this reason however, it often progresses fairly rapidly to an addiction, just as it does with pain meds or illicit drugs. Because naturally, the brain prefers the buzz over the feelings of anxiety or emotional pain. As you can already tell, this is not going to end well. There is simply no way to drink moderately because once the drug is ingested the frontal lobes which are used to restrain our behavior become diminished. And the primitive brain always wants more - whether food, sex or alcohol.
The only way to deal with it in my experience is to get clean and sober. Then find ways to deal with the anxiety. Western doctors tend to rely on pharmaceutical approaches as you have experienced, but there are other ways also. You did not mention if you exercise, but I have found, along with several others who have posted here that aerobic exercise, being in nature, yoga, meditation, proper diet and other approaches can work wonders. After a while the anxiety will lessen significantly. You just have to find the right approach. For me it is aerobic exercise, diet, and mindfulness. It is a miracle cure for me.
Many, if not most of us have fear and anxiety issues, often mixed in with other stuff, like OCD in my case. We turned to alcohol in order to self-soothe, and it is very effective at first, as you have discovered. For those of us who drank for this reason however, it often progresses fairly rapidly to an addiction, just as it does with pain meds or illicit drugs. Because naturally, the brain prefers the buzz over the feelings of anxiety or emotional pain. As you can already tell, this is not going to end well. There is simply no way to drink moderately because once the drug is ingested the frontal lobes which are used to restrain our behavior become diminished. And the primitive brain always wants more - whether food, sex or alcohol.
The only way to deal with it in my experience is to get clean and sober. Then find ways to deal with the anxiety. Western doctors tend to rely on pharmaceutical approaches as you have experienced, but there are other ways also. You did not mention if you exercise, but I have found, along with several others who have posted here that aerobic exercise, being in nature, yoga, meditation, proper diet and other approaches can work wonders. After a while the anxiety will lessen significantly. You just have to find the right approach. For me it is aerobic exercise, diet, and mindfulness. It is a miracle cure for me.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Hello Ella/SeaBreezes! Coming out here at SR saved my life. I was much older - so congratulations for realizing this in your 40's! You'll be saving yourself so much chaos and misery. I kept insisting I could manage it - and nearly died proving I could not.
We're so glad you joined us. Congrats on your Day 3 today - it's something to be so proud of.
We're so glad you joined us. Congrats on your Day 3 today - it's something to be so proud of.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Welcome SeaBreeze,
My story is very similar to yours, though I was even older than you when I began drinking. Anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia were all helped very briefly with alcohol. That's the hook, right. And, from then on, it was constantly hiding, scheming, lying about my alcohol consumption. I drank at home, alone, too, and it became exhausting to keep my drinking a secret.
Good for you for stopping and seeking support here. If you keep the door cracked open thinking you can drink moderately after you stop drinking for awhile, you are setting yourself up to fail. The addictive voice is very tricky and relentless. It will be easier if you make the choice in your mind that you will never drink again and move on.
My story is very similar to yours, though I was even older than you when I began drinking. Anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia were all helped very briefly with alcohol. That's the hook, right. And, from then on, it was constantly hiding, scheming, lying about my alcohol consumption. I drank at home, alone, too, and it became exhausting to keep my drinking a secret.
Good for you for stopping and seeking support here. If you keep the door cracked open thinking you can drink moderately after you stop drinking for awhile, you are setting yourself up to fail. The addictive voice is very tricky and relentless. It will be easier if you make the choice in your mind that you will never drink again and move on.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Eastern US
Posts: 273
True words there! I am "new" to sobriety again with my first time in this forum May 2019. I have tried to moderate ... made deals with myself that if I quit for 30 days I could drink like everyone else, blah, blah, blah. I am the child of an alcoholic and saw it first hand. I feel that I should have known better. I didn't touch alcohol until I was 40. Now, I'm 61 and regret every sip.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 10
You guys are right. I know it in my heart. I am nearing the 72 hour mark and just got home from work and I’m **REALLY** tempted. My heart says, “no,” and my mind says, “just one.” But like another person just mentioned here, if I could drink in moderation I wouldn’t be here. I know one turns into two turns into 10. And then I’ll have blown it and have to start all over, again.
72 hours was always my goal because I felt that after that I could stop worrying so much about the dangerous withdrawal symptoms. I know they still occur after 72 hours, but from what I understand, it’s generally the time when symptoms and risks subside.
And **STILL** I’m genuinely thinking about pouring a glass. It’s crazy how warped my mind has become and how I can rationalize irrational thoughts.
My sleep is not good. I’m only averaging around 4 hours a night. I’m very tired, so I’m hoping that I can just muster down some dinner. If I can do that I’ll be less inclined to drink, since I always tried to get my drink in before I ate since it hit me faster. I think I’ll go do that now.
72 hours was always my goal because I felt that after that I could stop worrying so much about the dangerous withdrawal symptoms. I know they still occur after 72 hours, but from what I understand, it’s generally the time when symptoms and risks subside.
And **STILL** I’m genuinely thinking about pouring a glass. It’s crazy how warped my mind has become and how I can rationalize irrational thoughts.
My sleep is not good. I’m only averaging around 4 hours a night. I’m very tired, so I’m hoping that I can just muster down some dinner. If I can do that I’ll be less inclined to drink, since I always tried to get my drink in before I ate since it hit me faster. I think I’ll go do that now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 10
You guys are right. I know it in my heart. I am nearing the 72 hour mark and just got home from work and I’m **REALLY** tempted. My heart says, “no,” and my mind says, “just one.” But like another person just mentioned here, if I could drink in moderation I wouldn’t be here. I know one turns into two turns into 10. And then I’ll have blown it and have to start all over, again.
72 hours was always my goal because I felt that after that I could stop worrying so much about the dangerous withdrawal symptoms. I know they still occur after 72 hours, but from what I understand, it’s generally the time when symptoms and risks subside.
And **STILL** I’m genuinely thinking about pouring a glass. It’s crazy how warped my mind has become and how I can rationalize irrational thoughts.
My sleep is not good. I’m only averaging around 4 hours a night. I’m very tired, so I’m hoping that I can just muster down some dinner. If I can do that I’ll be less inclined to drink, since I always tried to get my drink in before I ate since it hit me faster. I think I’ll go do that now.
72 hours was always my goal because I felt that after that I could stop worrying so much about the dangerous withdrawal symptoms. I know they still occur after 72 hours, but from what I understand, it’s generally the time when symptoms and risks subside.
And **STILL** I’m genuinely thinking about pouring a glass. It’s crazy how warped my mind has become and how I can rationalize irrational thoughts.
My sleep is not good. I’m only averaging around 4 hours a night. I’m very tired, so I’m hoping that I can just muster down some dinner. If I can do that I’ll be less inclined to drink, since I always tried to get my drink in before I ate since it hit me faster. I think I’ll go do that now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,550
Hi SeaBreezes,
Just wondering if you were still taking anti anxiety meds?
I took them for a while, but they finished up biting me on the bottom. I don't take them anymore.
I'm not advising not taking them, just wondering so as to get full picture.
I agree with those who say this is one secret that cannot be kept forever. Not just because people begin to notice, but the sheer stress of keeping the secret will eventually drive us/me nuts.
I think too that the giving up of the secret will help reduce your anxiety. Getting real about it is the way forward.
Edit: Just read your last post SB. Congratulations on 72 hours. It gets better.
Just wondering if you were still taking anti anxiety meds?
I took them for a while, but they finished up biting me on the bottom. I don't take them anymore.
I'm not advising not taking them, just wondering so as to get full picture.
I agree with those who say this is one secret that cannot be kept forever. Not just because people begin to notice, but the sheer stress of keeping the secret will eventually drive us/me nuts.
I think too that the giving up of the secret will help reduce your anxiety. Getting real about it is the way forward.
Edit: Just read your last post SB. Congratulations on 72 hours. It gets better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Location: Houma, LA
Posts: 35
Hello SeaBreezes. On day 35 here and just wish I had done this in my 40s. I’m 59 and really want to live a bit longer.
Two or three days a week I used to pull into the car wash on the way home from work and roll down my window and toss my empties (usually 2 or 3 pint and two 750 vodka bottles) in their garbage cans. They would be double and triple wrapped in plastic grocery bags.
I recommend to you an awesome book I just started reading called Alcohol Explained. It goes into the mechanics about just what you were speaking of... the easing of anxiety only to replace it with worse anxiety and how your subconscious mind gets looped into the whole vicious cycle.
On another note, afraid I would relapse, I didn’t tell anyone either, even my wife of 38 years. After 30 days, I showed her what I had been reading on my phone so much lately (this and other sobriety forums) and told her I was sober since New Year’s Day. She simply said “I know dear and congratulations!” So, I guess my secret drinking wasn’t quite as secret as I thought.
Good luck! Life is so much better when you can sleep normally, think straight and make good decisions.
Two or three days a week I used to pull into the car wash on the way home from work and roll down my window and toss my empties (usually 2 or 3 pint and two 750 vodka bottles) in their garbage cans. They would be double and triple wrapped in plastic grocery bags.
I recommend to you an awesome book I just started reading called Alcohol Explained. It goes into the mechanics about just what you were speaking of... the easing of anxiety only to replace it with worse anxiety and how your subconscious mind gets looped into the whole vicious cycle.
On another note, afraid I would relapse, I didn’t tell anyone either, even my wife of 38 years. After 30 days, I showed her what I had been reading on my phone so much lately (this and other sobriety forums) and told her I was sober since New Year’s Day. She simply said “I know dear and congratulations!” So, I guess my secret drinking wasn’t quite as secret as I thought.
Good luck! Life is so much better when you can sleep normally, think straight and make good decisions.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 29
Hi Ella & welcome. I am new here as well! I can relate to some of what you wrote as I deal with anxiety, depression and BPD. I also would experience extremely elevated levels of anxiety when not drinking during my active alcoholism and at times it was debilitating. Since getting sober I have not wanted to go back on medications for my issues due to personal reasons/preference. At least not as of yet. If my symptoms become unmanageable again then I will not hesitate. But I have found things that work for me currently so I am managing it. Meditation has helped the most with my anxiety. It has taught me skills with my breathing and discipline in letting thoughts and feelings come and go and not holding on to them. Acknowledging and then letting them pass. I always have my breath with me and since learning how to use it, it is such a wonderful tool to pull out when in the midst of an anxiety attack. I use the app Waking Up and started with the beginner meditations. Just a suggestion as I am new to all of this as well and learning as I go.
When I got sober a lot of people didn't understand and I have heard more times than I can count "you aren't that bad"..."you aren't an alcoholic"....I still hear that sometimes to this day almost a year sober. They didn't see the warm beers in my nightstand that I kept there to chug in the morning when my hangovers were so bad I literally thought I might have a heart attack and only more alcohol in my system could level me off enough to get out of bed and function. Or the flask I would fill with whiskey to bring to work with me to get through my shift. My father still doesn't accept the fact that I am an alcoholic and that my relationship with alcohol is toxic and was killing me. But I know. When I finally admitted I couldn't do it alone and I needed help so many close to me were confused. I guess I hid it better than I thought. How though I am not sure. I think some people close to me just didn't want to admit how bad off I was because looking back there is no way the signs weren't there. But now for the most part, they are supportive. Since you seem ready to get sober, those around you are going to have to know. At least that is my thoughts because I eat sleep and breathe my recovery now to the point I'm sure some get annoyed with hearing me talk about it. I'm in early sobriety so it's all so new and exciting to me. Lol. But I had to sit my family down and explain to them my drinking had become very very unmanageable and that I was seeking help for my drinking problem. And from there everything began to change for the better. I had admitted it, it was out there and the work could begin.
Don't worry about your track record. I'm sure all of us have many attempts at sobriety under our belts before it finally "stuck". I can't even count how many times I tried and failed. Yet here I am. Taking it one day at a time. A lot of times one minute at a time. WE can do hard things. YOU can do hard things and you just being here and reaching out is a great step. You are NEVER alone. Since becoming a part of the sober community, here and through my online zoom recovery meetings, I feel less alone now than I have in a long time. And I can promise you, getting sober is so worth it. 💛
Sorry for the long post. I am always hesitant to offer my input here because I am so new to this sober journey myself. But keep posting here. If you need any help navigating finding an online meeting or just need an ear I am around! We are close in age as well. I just turned 45 this year. Now (almost) a year sober I feel like my life is just beginning & it's an amazing feeling. You can have that too!!!!!! Sending peace and healing vibes your way!
When I got sober a lot of people didn't understand and I have heard more times than I can count "you aren't that bad"..."you aren't an alcoholic"....I still hear that sometimes to this day almost a year sober. They didn't see the warm beers in my nightstand that I kept there to chug in the morning when my hangovers were so bad I literally thought I might have a heart attack and only more alcohol in my system could level me off enough to get out of bed and function. Or the flask I would fill with whiskey to bring to work with me to get through my shift. My father still doesn't accept the fact that I am an alcoholic and that my relationship with alcohol is toxic and was killing me. But I know. When I finally admitted I couldn't do it alone and I needed help so many close to me were confused. I guess I hid it better than I thought. How though I am not sure. I think some people close to me just didn't want to admit how bad off I was because looking back there is no way the signs weren't there. But now for the most part, they are supportive. Since you seem ready to get sober, those around you are going to have to know. At least that is my thoughts because I eat sleep and breathe my recovery now to the point I'm sure some get annoyed with hearing me talk about it. I'm in early sobriety so it's all so new and exciting to me. Lol. But I had to sit my family down and explain to them my drinking had become very very unmanageable and that I was seeking help for my drinking problem. And from there everything began to change for the better. I had admitted it, it was out there and the work could begin.
Don't worry about your track record. I'm sure all of us have many attempts at sobriety under our belts before it finally "stuck". I can't even count how many times I tried and failed. Yet here I am. Taking it one day at a time. A lot of times one minute at a time. WE can do hard things. YOU can do hard things and you just being here and reaching out is a great step. You are NEVER alone. Since becoming a part of the sober community, here and through my online zoom recovery meetings, I feel less alone now than I have in a long time. And I can promise you, getting sober is so worth it. 💛
Sorry for the long post. I am always hesitant to offer my input here because I am so new to this sober journey myself. But keep posting here. If you need any help navigating finding an online meeting or just need an ear I am around! We are close in age as well. I just turned 45 this year. Now (almost) a year sober I feel like my life is just beginning & it's an amazing feeling. You can have that too!!!!!! Sending peace and healing vibes your way!
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Eastern US
Posts: 273
I just visited this thread again today and your post really resonates with me! I stopped drinking "for awhile" in 2019 and remember the days of clear headedness after many years of waking up foggy and angry because I'd drank more wine the previous evening than I'd planned...only to repeat the pattern almost every day of my life for almost 20 years. Recently, I've committed to trying to quit completely again. I'm on day 12 this time around and have to say I feel so much better in just less than 2 weeks. I recently retired from a high stress job and I'm hoping that with God's grace I can actually get to a state of sobriety. I was raised with an alcoholic father and never touched the stuff until my 40's knowing what havoc alcohol wreaked in my family. I transgressed at a work related cocktail party and the rest is history. Getting back into the Sober Recovery forums helps me when I'm feeling my resolve weaken. I love reading the success stories and I want to be one of those some day!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Welcome back katlin, I suggest you start a thread of your own, or join the April 2021 class so you can get some support. It is very important to stay involved so you don't slip back into it.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-one.html
Congrats on Day 12 - that is really good progress!
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-one.html
Congrats on Day 12 - that is really good progress!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 56
I felt my life crushed by something of an anxiety disorder. So I quit caffeine, and it helped some. Not complete doing of what was needed. So I quit nicotine. Now only is life not the same without it, it is better in so many ways... dear god, nicotine is the evil thing that causes panic reactions and depression. I read about this a a kid, miraculously, and indeed this poison is only present in the |nightshade| family plant for defence against pests. Well I don\t do any nicotine no more and it was a little harsh at first but then the light sets in. Keep on if youre nicotine-free.
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