DriGuy

None of us wanted to stop drinking. It's just one stop along the way to recovery. I seems like all of us have to try to "control" or drinking before we give it up. For an alcoholic controlling intake is about as possible as reversing gravity. Believe me, I remember not wanting to quit very well. That even lasted well past a bleeding ulcer and into the nightmare of watching myself go into my final downward spiral.

What all us want is to be able to drink without the consequences, but it's not possible. What you don't know yet, is how rewarding it is to quit. I get that too. How can we know until we do. When I quit, I wasn't looking for better. I just couldn't take it anymore. I would have been happy just to quit and nothing more. It was a wonderful surprise to feel good physically, and a bigger surprise to feel so good about myself.

Right now you're focused on not wanting to quit. I know I can't change your mind. I just want you to know that quitting beats not quitting by miles and miles. I know you can't see that yet.

turniptheheat

I used to drink to cope with stress too. Strangely enough, once I was several months sober, I found that the drinking had been causing a lot of stress rather than the other way around. I've since found better ways to cope with stress.

Nonsensical

I was, too, when I drank a depressant every day.
Be prepared for things to turn out differently than you expect.
I am glad you are here, even if you are not!

FiveTries

Thanks for the responses everyone.

Of course it makes sense after drinking a depressant for 25 plus years you might get depressed!

It's not that I think alcohol removes stress from my life, it allows me to forget the stresses of my life for a few hours. Being present 100% of the time sounds like a nightmare. I can't think of anything else that comes close.

So yes it's one more half hearted attempt at sobriety. I want to believe that life will be better sober and all of the other positive things I have read here but I don't. The other option is continuing on until death so not much of a choice there, yeah?

Be123 thanks for the laugh, I am English by heritage but was born and raised in the U.S. 😃
I related to everything you said in your post. The negative approach is just my truth right now. I can't even imagine being successfully sober long term.

sortofhomecomin yeah it has always bothered me how those in recovery circles act as if they never enjoyed drinking. I haven't been drinking the stuff for 25 years because I don't like it! Makes no sense and I can't relate. I still workout all the time that is one thing that makes this hard. Physically I look great there's no outward signs that I have this drinking problem. Since I workout 4 or 5 days a week though it's become another job and not something that relieves any stress.

Maybe I should try knitting?

I am finishing today alcohol free

Hevyn

Hi FiveX - I'm so glad you're here with us to talk things over. Believe me, I felt just as you do when I first joined SR. Yet here I am, 13 yrs. sober after drinking for 30.

I kept at it long after I knew it had become a necessity. It had been part of everything I did. I insisted there had to be a way to manage it. Trying to use willpower to drink less led to complete dependence, health issues, reckless behavior. I had to stop or die. I was resentful at first, but I grew to love being free of it. I hope you can reach that point too. Congrats on your first day sober.

MythOfSisyphus

I loved drinking too but it stabbed me in the back! Who'd have guessed that drinking like a fish for 25 years could be bad for one's health!

FiveTries

I am trying my hardest to stay positive right now, but if I am honest I am a complete emotional train wreck.

Stop or die. This is what is facing me.

Kdon853

Yeah it was fun until it wasn’t. Alcohol didn’t rob me of things that I cared about . I just gave them away freely. When you accept that the party is over and you’re really not missing anything , the lightbulb goes on and your new life starts.

Surrendered19

"So yes it's one more half hearted attempt at sobriety."

Sounds pretty dismissive to me. What do you want here on SR? Everyone can have their own Leaving Las Vegas. But we sure don't want you to do that. We want you with us. But it is up to you. Your real life people need you and it makes me so sad you are in this frame of mind. This is a support site and what we do is try to show you another way. Maybe if you practiced more gratitude, change might be easier.

nez

For myself, I frame it as "Live or Die". In recovery I have truly learned how to live. I am so grateful for the life I have today. It didn't happen overnight, but it happened and my appreciation for sobriety is increasing more and more as time goes by. Drinking is not something I would even consider these days. Drinking has absolutely nothing to offer me. I can do everything I want for myself, completely sober; and that is true freedom!

Stay positive. Emotional train wrecks can be put back together and come out even stronger. It happened for me. It can happen for you!

Dee74

You'll look back at this as a great decision Five.
Keep talking to us and finding support

D

least

That might be me, cause I always say that. I say it cause I first heard it from our beloved forum leader CarolD. She said it a lot and I finally came to understand it and adopt it as one of my core principles.

It also helped me a lot to practice gratitude every day. It makes me happier and more content with my 'haves' and less concerned with my 'have-nots'.

FiveTries

I have no idea.

Surrendered19

I hope you stay here and fight through what you are enduring. We are on your side.

Mizz

Thoughts can change. People change. The one thing for certain is change.

Its okay to be in the space you are in. You may move through it and find some acceptance with sobriety. You may not. Only you can make or break this. Its good you are thinking about it "all" and being honest. Honest with yourself and this forum.

I didnt come here initially wanting sobriety. I was still wanting to test the waters 10 years ago. Then again and again and again. I've really learned a whole ******* lot about my alcoholism.

I had all the thoughts you had or have...
Its good you are here. I hope you stay here, Five. The view is not bad from where I am sitting.

Be123

You be who you are. Not everyone is going to a ray of sunshine sober, and nor should they aim to be. I know the people I turn to when I need support and they're not cheer leaders or good-time Charlie's.

I think sometimes the sheer joy of negativity for us English is misunderstood, or we're pushed to become something we're not. Gratitude is great and all...but I also want to be able to prepare for the rain that is going to inevitably follow the sunshine 😁

Find a few sober people you like and respect on here that have been sober for quite a while (I use 2 years as a rule of thumb) and listen - and more importantly act - on what they say. They don't say it for sport, they say it because it works. It's humbling and odd, but it really helped me take the pressure off myself. My brain was the bit most affected by alcohol so relying on my own thoughts and will led me back to the same place. Inevitably. Relying on someone who had been there and come out the other side helped no end.

Hang around and read the boards a bit. And don't sweat being yourself, you are a welcome addition and if you don't want to be here, but are anyway - that's even more praiseworthy 👍👍👍

Be123

In fact - not wanting to be here but doing it anyway gives you a massive head start!!!!! Because at times you'll want to drink and you'll realise that you are not going to follow what you want.

I reckon you've got this

Hevyn

Thinking of you, Five. Hope you're doing ok today. We care.

Surrendered19

How are things FiveX? I hope you are in one piece and hope your day was a good one.

FiveTries

Thanks for checking in on me. I really appreciate that. Today has been all over the board.

I read Be123's posts this morning and that helped me out a lot. I think I have always wanted to have some false sense of gratitude and try to be the ray of sunshine as it's what everyone expects. I am tired of all that. I do have a lot of things to be grateful for and I acknowledge that but sobriety isn't one of those things. Maybe someday.

It's good to feel comfortable being 'real' about the fact I'd rather not have to stay sober. Yeah I know life sucks for everyone in different ways.

When I was a kid and I found out about drugs and alcohol and altered states of mind I couldn't wait to get my hands on the stuff. I hate reality. Staying sober everything seems so real it's hard for me to deal with.

I have done it so many times. I handle reality as long as I can stand it until I finally come unglued and start drinking again. So I don't have a lot of positive history and my expectations are quite low.

Today was mostly good I worked, hung out with my kids, ran a 5K, swam 1000 meters, and then relaxed in a hot tub for 30 minutes.

Oh and I spent some time thinking on how crazy I am with my drinking vs workouts and diet. Either I am drinking and 'having fun' or I am full on with my workouts and eating. So strict.

I am staying sober tonight thats for sure.